


Secrets - A Sayori POV

by NegativeCharge



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Blackmail, F/M, Hearing Voices, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inner Dialogue, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 58
Words: 146,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24832345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NegativeCharge/pseuds/NegativeCharge
Summary: Secrets is a story entirely from Sayori's point of view, of events that happen from immediately after the moment of her confession. The telling of the remaining school year and how the small group deal with unexpected events that unfold. Delving further into some of the characters backstories as the things they didn't want other people to know come to light.Everyone has their Secrets.This is the first fanfic I've ever undertaken and technically also still a work in progress, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I've been enjoying writing it. The script style layout for speech isn't for everyone, simply something I used early on in writing, but it was kept for continuity sake in this story. Up until now I've only been posting it on the DDLC Subreddit, gradually uploading all of the chapters here.
Relationships: Protagonist/Sayori (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 30





	1. Prologue + Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prologue and First Chapter combined, due to page numbering.

**Secrets, A Sayori POV - Prologue**

How could I have been so stupid? I told him everything, everything I had been trying to keep hidden, it all came out. How I feel, how I felt seeing him around the others. He just stood there, staring at me without saying a word. Did he even know what to say? Did I even wait for his response? It felt like an eternity of silence, but truthfully it couldn't have been longer than a handful of seconds.

As I'm running back to my house, I hear him call my name. But I keep running.

_Don't look back, you'll only make it worse._

Arriving back at the house, I can feel the burning in my cheeks and the tears that are streaming over them. Do I even know what I'm feeling?

_Embarrassment, Shame, Loneliness, Guilt._

I had gone over to see how He and Yuri had got on with the banner for the festival, when I got there though... They were stood out the front, so close together...

_You interrupted them, You ruined their moment._

Isn't this what I had wanted to happen though? Didn't I drag him along to the club so this very thing could happen? But then why did seeing it hurt so much? Is it because...

_Because you are selfish._

… I am selfish.

I get up from crying into Mr. Cow. I look around my room, to the digital photo frame he bought me for my birthday last year, it's cycling through images of places we've been to and pictures of the two of us. Each time it flicks to a new picture it brings back memories of all the time we've spent together, all the time I spent lying to him. Hiding what I wanted.

Would he be happier with me out of the way? Would they all? Looking at the floor from the stool I find myself standing on.

_Just one step and everyone can be happy._

S: “I'm sorry everyone, for being a burden. I'm sorry MC...”

I take one step forward. The rope around my neck tightens. It begins pulling tightly on my neck. What have I done? I raise my hands and start to claw at the rope around my neck. It feels like its digging in too heavily for me to stop now. A strange feeling of weightlessness floods my senses, its almost dizzying. The rope around my neck feels like it starts to loosen and I'm able to get my hands in underneath it to try and pull it away from me. Did I do it wrong?

_Hardly a surprise._

But then why haven't I touched the ground?

I open my eyes and look at the rope which is slacking to the right hand side of me. As I look round from my side, I see that my bedroom door is open?

“SAYORI!”

I'd know that concerned voice anywhere, the amount of times I've heard it growing up. Looking down at the ground, my eyes meet his. Is.. he welling up? I haven't seen him like this in years. Since he lost his Dad. A mixed look of confusion and anger, being completely overwhelmed by fear and loss. His arms are around my waist, holding me up to prevent the pull of the rope.

S: “MC.. I...I'm....Sor...”  
  


MC: “I have lost almost everything that matters to me in the last 3 years..My Dad... My Dog.. I am NOT losing the... the... single... most... important one of all..”

  
Am I hearing him right? Most important? My stomach begins to knot.

  
MC: “Take that.. thing off your neck.. Sayori... Please...”  
  
  


Without hesitating I loosen the rope and lift it up and off, letting it fall back down by itself. As I do this MC lowers me down until my feet gently touch the floor. Instinctively I lift my hands and hold my neck. But I keep my gaze low, looking into his chest to avoid looking him in the eyes again.

He wraps his arms around me and holds my head against his chest. We stand like this for a few minutes. Neither of us knowing what to say about what has just happened.

The uneasy quiet is broken by him first.  
  


MC: “You ran away before I could answer.”

  
S: “Just forget I said anything...”

  
MC: “I can't do that, You know I can't do that. You know me better than anyone.”

  
S: “ I shouldn't have said it, I interrupted you and Yuri..”

  
MC: “Interrupted..? Wait what? What did you think was happening?

  
  
Thinking back to it makes me start to tear up again.

  
  
S: “It looked like you.. were about to..”

  
MC: “She was thanking me for helping her Sayori. Nothing more.”

  
  
I look up at him, eyes meeting again, but this time closer together than they have ever been. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, what is happening to me?

  
MC: “Everything you said, I... uh.. I have felt the same way for years... I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I'm sorry for not saying anything when you did. I wanted to, I just didn't know how.”

  
S: “...Really...?”

  
MC: “You of all people know... I'm not very good.. at uh.. expressing.. myself.. and I.. um..”

  
  
Watching him trip over his own words is kind of cute. Before he can finish his sentence, my body acts on its own, catching both of us off guard. My arms that were protecting my neck both wrap themselves around the back of his. I thought my heart was going crazy before, but this. I can feel and hear every beat.  
  
  


S: “Sorry! I.. I don't know why... I didn't mean.. uh...”

  
Before I can finish what I'm saying, he leans in and his lips are on mine. Is this real? My mind goes blank as my eyes close. Just like the awkward silence earlier, I lose all track of time. Except this time around I'm in no hurry for the moment to end.

When it eventually does, our foreheads rest against each other.

  
  
MC: “I love you, Sayori.”

  
S: “I love you too.”

  
Is this what being truly happy feels like? I look over his shoulder and see the rope still hanging from the ceiling. The sight of it makes me feel ashamed and sick to my stomach.

  
S: “MC..? Can I stay at your place tonight.. I..I don't.. I don't really want to sleep here tonight..”

He steps back and notices straight away what I'm looking at. He turns around and takes it down as I turn my glance back to the digital photo frame, the cycling pictures don't hurt this time, they act like a wave of relief, calming, soothing. Just like they did when he first bought it for me.  
  


MC: “Like you even need to ask. You know its only me there. Its almost as much your home as it is mine.”

  
As he turns back around I bury my head into his chest and hug him. As his arms wrap around me I feel safe, warm, happy. The exact opposite of how I felt earlier.

I gather some clothes to sleep in tonight as well as some for the festival tomorrow, after which we leave and walk to his home. On the way there, what starts as him nervously reaching for my hand, ends up me holding onto his entire arm and resting my head on his shoulder.

After arriving at his house, I placed the clothes and other essentials I brought with me in the spare room. We end up laying on his bed watching TV, without either of us noticing we've gradually moved from laying slouched next to each other to me resting my head on his chest. He obviously noticed first, as what was initially the calm steady rhythm of his heartbeat sounds like it has almost doubled.

  
MC: “For all of our differences, I always said I'd be there, if you should come undone”

  
S: “That's a strange way to say that.”

  
MC: “Oh, its.. um.. part of one of my favourite songs.. but I guess its kinda how I feel?”

  
S: “That surprises me, your taste in music is normally so...”

  
MC: “Dark?”

  
S: “Well it isn't how I'd describe it, but yes.”

  
  
After a while of laying together, he has fallen asleep. I should really get up and go to the other room.. But I don't want to. After arguing with myself about what I should do for a while, I drift off myself to the sound of his heartbeat.

Guess that answers that.

**Chapter 1**

After what feels like the best nights sleep I've had in months, I slowly wake to MC shaking me gently, I open my eyes and look up at him.

Did we just...?

The look on his face is as surprised as mine.

I sit up suddenly once I'm awake enough to understand the situation. I can feel my cheeks going red.

S: “um.. Hi? Uh.. Morning!”

  
MC: “Hi to you too.”

  
S: “Sorry.. I meant to.. umm, I..”

  
  
Now who's stumbling over their words. I think to myself. I also notice I'm doing that awkward pose I do when I'm nervous, pushing my index fingers together and the tips.

He begins to laugh.

MC: “You know that pose of yours is adorable, besides you aren't solely to blame, I woke up during the night and found you still here. I could of woke you up then, but you looked so peaceful. I didn't want to disturb you.”

  
S: “Really. That's the reason you are going with?”

  
MC: “Yep, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!”

  
S: “So.. I guess.. we are kind of.. an us now?”

  
  
He stares at me with a stunned expression, I can almost hear the cogs in his head grinding as he thinks about what he is going to say in response to that.  
  
  


MC: “We've always been kind of an us, but if you want to look at it as us meaning couple now, then.. I guess we are... I mean.. if you are okay.. with that, if... We.. Umm.”  
  


To stop him from falling over himself I lean in and give him a quick peck on the cheek. Then rest my head on his shoulder.

  
S: “Right now I wouldn't want anything else”

  
We are interrupted by his phone going off.

  
MC: “Natsuki? Why is she calling me at this... uh oh.”  
  


S: “What is it? What's wrong?”

  
MC: “We overslept! The Festival is starting in just over an hour”

MC Answers his phone. I can hear her shouting at him immediately.  
  


N: “Take long enough to answer why don't you?! Where the hell are you!? We need that banner!”  
  


MC: “Uhh Hi Natsuki, Sorry! I'm almost ready”

  
N: “Idiot! Just hurry up and get here. And try to get hold of Sayori too, we've been trying to call her but she isn't answering!”

  
I check my phone, it's on silent. 12 Missed Calls and 17 messages in the club group chat.

  
MC: “We should probably get ready, the spare room has its own shower, I'll see you downstairs in a bit.”

  
S: “But what about breakfast! I can't start a day without the..”

  
MC: “Without the most important meal of the day, yeah yeah I know. There is pizza in the fridge, I always cook extra to have the next day since it's so easy to make”

  
S: “Pizza for breakfast?”

  
MC: “Is that a problem?”

  
S: “No not at all! I'm all for extending my breakfast experience.”

  
MC: “You mean expanding.”

  
S: “Or both?”

  
  
He rolls his eyes at me and smiles.

  
MC: “Right. Now we really do need to get ready.”

  
He gets out of bed, protectively making sure the sleeves on his long sleeve t-shirt stays all the way down. That's.. strange behaviour to say the least.

Now that I think about it, for the last few years I've only ever seen him wearing long sleeved clothes. Even when its really warm in the summer. I shake my head to clear it as I walk towards the spare room to get ready. I'm sure its nothing.

After getting ready I find MC already in the kitchen eating, he has already got me out some food and poured me my favourite fruit juice.  
  
  


S: “Breakfast waiting for me the moment I come downstairs? I could get used to this.”

  
MC: “Well maybe if you woke up on time more often, you'd wouldn't be rushing around like crazy and be able to enjoy it.”

  
  
I find myself pressing my fingertips together again. It seems to force a smile out of him.

  
S: “This morning wasn't my fault! Someone didn't set their alarm!”

  
MC: “How was I meant to be able to set my alarm? You were laying on my arm and you were closer to both phones. You could of done it more easily, you even know my phones unlock pattern so you could of set both of them.”

  
S: “But I was comfy.. Besides, I'm the guest!”

  
  
After we finish breakfast, we place the plates and cups into the dishwasher and close it. We then gather up what we need for the festival, including the banner that he got yelled at for being late with. As we walk out the door, before we reach the gate he pulls my hand so that we end up face to face. It causes me to squeak in surprise. He then starts to adjust the collar on my jumper. Hiding the marks caused by yesterday.

The thought of anyone seeing it today.. It sends a chill down my spine.

I start to look towards my feet, but just underneath my chin is caught by his index finger as he gently tilts my gaze up until it meets his. The stomach knots come back and I can feel my pulse in my head.

Instinctively we both lean in and find ourselves sharing our second proper kiss as a couple. After we part, we stay standing close together.

This couldn't feel more right.  
  


“So this is why you are late!”

  
Our eyes widen and turn to the front gate, to find Natsuki stood there, arms folded. Monika leaning on the gate, one hand resting under her chin acting as a support and Yuri stood behind them playing with her hair nervously.  
  


N: “And I see you managed to 'find' Sayori.”

  
MC: “How long have you all been there?”

  
M: “Well we were walking towards Sayori's house to check on her, as we were walking past Yuri said this was your place. We heard the door open so we were going to surprise you when you got outside the gate.”

  
N: “But when we heard a girl squeak we just had to see it for ourselves.”

  
M: “So you two. When did this happen?”

  
  
Neither of us know how to answer that, we didn't have time to talk about when we would tell people. Guess we don't need to now. We glance at each other. Both a little red in the face.

  
N: “Well we can see why you are running so late, busy night?”

  
MC: “You could say that... wait no. no no no no not like that! We didn't umm.. Its.. not what it looks like?”

  
S: “Nothing like that happened! We just overslept is all. We didn't set any alarms.”

  
N+M: “What do you mean by 'We'?”

  
  
At this stage both of our faces have gone from flustered to burning. Again we look to each other without an answer, again I find myself doing my usual pointed fingertips, I really need to get a less obvious tell.

Monika and Natsuki are clearly enjoying this way more than Yuri. She looks a little uncomfortable.

Upon seeing our reactions to their previous comment, both of their faces light up.

  
M: “Oh.. OH! You did, didn't you. You slept together!”

  
MC: “I.. We.. uhh..”

  
N: “They totally did.”

  
S: “ehehe..”

  
N: “I don't hear any denials, Do you?”

  
M: “Nope.”

  
N: “So who won the pool?”

  
Wait.. Pool?

  
M: “I think Yuri did.”

  
Y: “I guess I did..”

  
MC: “What do you mean pool?”

  
S: “You all bet on this?”

  
M: “Truth be told, we made this bet before MC even joined the club, the way you spoke about him when he wasn't around Sayori. We kinda all saw it coming.”

  
S: “Eh?! What do you mean?!”

  
Y: “What it means, is they each owe me a book.”

  
N: “Ugh, couldn't you have at least waited another two weeks. Then I would have won.”

  
  
The 3 of them start giggling among themselves, I look to MC for something, anything. He just shrugs and laughs it off. I can't help but laugh a little myself. We all set off towards the school together. I go back to holding onto MC's Arm.

  
N: “I mean I'd tell the two of you to get a room but..”

  
M: “Seems like they already did”

  
MC: “How long can we expect this for?”

  
N: “Until it stops being fun.”

  
S: “Which will be...?”

  
M: “Probably not any time soon.”

  
  
This is going to be a long day.


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter 2**

**2 weeks after the festival**

Sitting in the club room, looking around I can see Natsuki digging out her manga from the closet and Monika at at the front, working on a poem no doubt. But no sign of MC or Yuri yet. Where is he? He should have been here by now. His last class was quite close by, closer than mine. Maybe I should go look for him? Or at least poke my head out the door to see if he's on his way? I find myself fidgeting in my chair, think Sayori think. How can I go and look for him without making it too obvious. I just want him to hurry up and get here, I'm kind of hungry and we could go get a snack from the machine. Now that he's my boyfriend he never lets me pay for them anymore. No more of those embarrassing moments like before. Well the jokes on him! I still use my money to buy more snacks! Why didn't I think of this sooner?!

S: “I'll be back in a couple of minutes, I'm going to go get a snack”  
  


As Natsuki looks up from her seat, she gives a sly grin. Oh I wonder if its yet another joke about...

  
N: “Oh is that what you are calling him now?”

  
Called it.

  
S: “From the vending machine...”

N: “That's an even weirder pet name.”

  
I look over at Monika, she is quite clearly trying not to laugh, but not doing a very good job.

  
M: “Sorry Sayori, still kinda funny.”

S: “If you say so. Anyway, I'll be back shortly.”

Looking out the window as I walk along the hall, I'm quite looking forward to the walk home, it's almost perfect clear blue skies but not too hot. The kind I enjoy most. Over the last 2 weeks, I've loved every walk home with him, just being around him and knowing I don't need to try to hide how he makes me feel, and that he can do the same. I start heading towards the stairs, but notice one of the doors to a class that should be empty is partially open. I can hear people talking inside, I stop for a moment to listen without showing myself. That voice... It's MC? But why is he in there? Who is he talking with?

MC: “So when was the last time you did?”

  
My heart sinks when I hear the female voice replying.. Yuri.. My mind flashes back to when I saw them outside his house. How close they had been standing before they saw me. But he said nothing was going on. Every part of me wants to walk in to that room, but my legs won't move. All I can do is stay here and listen for now.

  
Y: “It has been a little while now, the last time would have been just before we worked on the banner at your place.”

MC: “Well they certainly look like they are getting better.”

Y: “I've been doing what I can to manage it. I'm not very good at putting on new ones though.”

MC: “I told you before, I'm more than happy to help with that, been there done that. Remember?”

Y: “I remember, I couldn't believe it at first when you showed me. Does Sayori know?”

MC: “No, I've never told or shown her. I've tried, but I just don't know how to, I have no idea how she would take it. So I'd like to try and keep it that way, at least for now. It isn't who I am anymore.”

Y: “You should really tell her.”

Isn't who he is anymore..? What the hell is that supposed to mean? What isn't he telling me? How could he tell Yuri and not me? I have to at least try to find out what's going on. I walk into the room without knocking. Is he holding her hand..? No that's not it. It looks like he is applying a bandage?

  
S: “Is umm.. everything okay?

  
I can see it immediately, they both froze the moment they heard me. MC has his back to me so I can't tell what his expression is, but Yuri looks like she has been caught red handed for something. Her eyes widened when she realized I could see her bandaged forearms.

  
Y: “Sayori.. uh.. uhhh.. everything's fine..”

S: “But your arms... What happened?”

  
She has turned away from me and unrolled her sleeves. Is she trying to hide her arms or is she just trying to avoid making eye contact? I turn to face MC.

  
S: “And what did you mean by 'Isn't who I am anymore'?”

  
His facial expression is nothing but pure panic, and his eyes...his eyes are screaming in fear. I've clearly just asked a question that I don't think I want the answer to.

  
MC: “...It..It's nothing important... I.. have to go.”

He turns sharply, picking his bag up as he walks away. I've never seen him like this before. He's afraid of telling me? Why though? What is he hiding from me? I go to follow but feel a hand pull on my arm to stop me. I try to break away but she is determined to not let me follow him. Frustrated I turn back around.

  
  
S: “What's going on, I want to know.”

Y: “Give him time, he will tell you when he is ready”

S: “So how is it he was ready to tell you the first time you were alone together? Yet he still hasn't told me?!”

Y: “Sayori please calm down, it isn't like that. He.. he helped me.”

S: “Helped you? That isn't really giving me any answers Yuri.”

Y: “He.. noticed my arms when we were working on the banner.. I tried to hide them. But he insisted on helping... He cleaned and bandaged them for me.. It was quite endearing.. You are lucky, Sayori.”

S: “Yuri.. what did you do to your arms..?”

Y: “..It helped me cope.. but.. I promised.. I would stop..”

All I can think to do is hug her. I can feel her holding back tears as she buries her head into my shoulder. He helped her with the bandages? I feel a little relieved knowing that. But it doesn't stop what he said spinning around in my head. Been there done that? Isn't who I am anymore? But he wouldn't do that.. would he?

Yuri and I exit the room and head to the clubroom. Opening the door we are greeted by Monika and Natsuki, but no sign of MC.

  
N: “Jeez how long does it take to go to a vending machine? Oh hey Yuri!”

Y: “Hello Natsuki, Monika.”

M: “Neither of you saw MC on your way here did you?”

How am I supposed to answer that with what has just happened?

Yuri cuts in before I can even fathom any sort of response.

Y: “Oh I saw him on the way here, he said he was going to go home and rest, I don't think he was feeling well”

N: “He probably just wants to go home and sleep, who knows what those two get up to at night.”

S: “Ehhh?! No! We haven't yet! I don't stay over every night either!”

  
All 3 of them answer in sync, all smiling slyly.

  
M+N+Y: “Yet?”

N: “So you've thought about it then.”

S: “...That's...a bit...maybe.. I mean...”

Y: “Private?”

I can feel my face burning, but I nod to agree with Yuri. Why can't they just move on from this already?! It has been two weeks of lewd jokes and comments, almost entirely from Natsuki and Monika, with Yuri only really joining in when he isn't with us. In fact The joking is even worse when MC isn't here.

  
M: “Maybe we need to make another pool girls.”

S: “I'd rather you didn't...”

Y: “I'm with Sayori, I think that might be a bit too personal.”

M: “Okay, lets focus. MC might not be here, but we all have poems to share.”

  
We go about the usual club activities, everything seems to be dragging by. The events of what happened in the room down the hall are all I can think about. As Yuri and I finish exchanging poems, she looks over at Natsuki and Monika to check they aren't listening, then leans in to talk quietly.

  
Y: “If you stop by his house on the way home, please don't try to force the answer out of him. Trust me when I say he wants to tell you. He just doesn't know how.”

S: “So I'm just supposed to wait?”

Y: “With you overhearing him earlier, it may be sooner than you think.”

  
We are then cut short by Monika speaking in her loud confident group addressing manner.

  
M: “Okay everyone, its about time for us to get out of here.”

After we all tidy the room and pack away our things, I start my walk home. It feels lonely without MC with me, but without all the silly things we'd do on the way home the walk doesn't take as long. As I approach MC's house, I stop and think about what Yuri said. He will tell me, won't he? Should I ask him?

Opening the front door, I can hear the music from his room already, even with the door closed. It sounds so.. Angry. As I reach his door, I pause. Should I knock? I guess not, like he would even hear it with that playing.

_I gently open the door._

He is laying on his bed, eyes closed and mouthing along to the words. He hasn't even noticed I'm in the house yet. After what I heard earlier, I almost want to shout. I almost want to scream. Then I hear the words he said to me, the night he saved my life. “For all of our differences, I always said I'd be there if you should come undone.” Hearing that makes my stomach somersault and my heart feels like it missed more than a few beats.

What Yuri said before leaving the club then echoes in my head. Give him time. He will tell you. I'd be being a hypocrite if I went in there and accused him of hiding something from me, after all isn't that exactly what I did? I hide how I felt, I hide my depression, and it almost robbed both of us of what we have now. A future worth waking up for.

Before he has a chance to sit up, I lay down next to him and put my head on his chest. Catching him off guard. Trying to hide the fact that I'm really trying to stop him from running away in blind panic again.

  
MC: “Sayori.. I..”

S: “It's okay, I won't ask. I trust you, I know you'll tell me when you are ready.”

MC: “...Thank you...”

  
I lift my head from his chest to look up at him.

  
S: “For what?”

MC: “For being patient with me. I know I'm not the most clued in with things, especially relationship stuff”

S: “Well you spent most of our childhood being patient with me, so I guess its my turn. Right?”

I can see a small smile appear on his face.

He wraps his arms around me and we lay in silence until I drift off to sleep, just as we were two weeks ago.


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter 3**

Later that day

After accidentally falling asleep while laying on MC's chest. I wake to find myself laying in his bed by myself. I sit up slowly and look across his room, he's sat at his computer playing a video game. It looks like quite a slow paced strategy game, not the normal shooting or RPG games I usually see him playing. Whatever it is he is playing, he hasn't noticed I'm awake. I walk over and place my hand on his left shoulder. He reaches his right hand over and rests it on mine.

S: “So, what did you want to do tonight?”

MC: “The same thing I do every night Pinky. Try to take over the world.”

S: “Did you seriously just make that reference? And what makes you think I'd be Pinky?!”

MC: “Well its.. I feel like I'm more like Brain.. and I...”

He stops mid sentence when he realizes I'm glaring at him and that there is no right answer to this question. Slowly he turns back to his game, opens up the menu, saving and exiting.

MC: “You hungry? Was thinking we could go out for food, or order in if you would like?”

S: “I don't mind, I'm happy to do whatever.”

MC: “Helpful.”

S: “You know what I mean, I'll have anything.”

MC: “Really not making this any easier.”

S: “You pick then!”

He gets up and walks out into the hallway to go and get some menu's from the kitchen. As he exits the bedroom, he turns around and pokes his head back into the room with a smile on his face.

Oh you better not be about to say what I think you are.

  
MC: “Making all the choices, this is why I'm Brain.”

S: “Yeah you'd better run”

  
He then disappears back into the hall, running down the stairs before I have the chance to throw anything at him. I catch up to him in the kitchen and wrap my arms around him from behind, resting my head on his back. He is flicking through a bunch of takeaway menus.

  
MC: “I was thinking of ordering in, It's getting a bit late to go out. What do you think?”

S: “The patient hunter waits to strike until the prey least expects it.”

MC: “No no no don't you dare!”

Before he can move my arms away, I dig my fingers into his sides and pull him to the floor. He struggles to break free, but knows he can't without throwing me off of him. The perks of being with someone gentle like him, is that I will always win these moments. Slowly he turns onto his back and I find myself straddling him. I lean down and place my forehead against his. He tries to lean in for a kiss but I move back and place my finger on his lips.

  
S: “No, you don't get that.”

MC: “And why is that?”  
  


I look at the collection of leaflets in his hand, spotting one that I recognise. It's from a small Malaysian restaurant not far from here. I've only ever had from there while I'm with him. Its not really the sort of food my parents enjoy. It has to have been a few months since we had anything from this place. I pull the small orange and red coloured menu from his hand and tap him on the nose with it.

  
S: “You can make it up to me with this. I'll have a Mee Goreng and some Popiah.”

MC: “You want Malaysian food? I thought you said you didn't mind.”

S: “Well you were taking too long to decide, a girl has to eat you know. If you throw in some Apam Balik for after, I might forgive you.”

MC: “Anything else, oh hungry one?”

I start to read through the menu again, I wonder what would make a good breakfast for the morning? After a minute I look back down at him and he is looking at me in disbelief.

  
MC: “You were thinking of ordering more for breakfast tomorrow weren't you?”

S: “No!”

  
I find myself saying this unconvincingly while looking away and pushing my fingertips together.

  
MC: “If you get up early enough tomorrow I'll make you pancakes, but right now if you want me to order you anything, as lovely as this is. You need to get off me.”

S: “Okay, but only because you said the magic word.”

MC: “What? Pancakes?”

  
I smile at him and nod. There are many ways to a girls heart. Pancakes that you don't have to make yourself just happen to be one of them. I stand up and walk over to the phone. After lifting the handset I turn back to him as he gets up. It takes a couple of minutes, he places our order. We're told it will take around 35 minutes. We start flicking through netflix to find something to watch for when our food arrives. Deciding on Food Wars, after we couldn't agree on watching a cooking show or an anime.

As we started to get comfy on the sofa waiting for the food to arrive, we are interrupted by a knock on the door. Strange, it's only been 20 minutes. MC heads over to open the door.

  
MC: “Natsuki?”

N: “Hey.. umm is there any chance... I can stay with you two tonight?”

S: “Natsuki what's wrong?

N: “My dad... he... I.. I just don't want to be at home right now.. Please..”

  
Please? I don't know what is worrying me more, that she is asking nicely or the fact she hasn't stamped her foot and called MC a baka yet. I turn to look at MC, he looks back at me. Both of us wearing concerned expressions. I nod at him, there is no way we could turn her away right now. He steps back and shows her in. She has a small bag with her of clothes. Enough to last a few days at least.

  
MC: “There is a spare room top of the stairs on the left. Make yourself at home, stay as long as you need to. We've ordered some food, you are more than welcome to share it.”

  
After a few minutes she comes back downstairs and joins us on the sofa.

  
N: “Oh you guys are about to watch Food Wars? I've always wanted to watch this.”

MC: “Sayori wanted to watch a cooking show, I wanted to watch anime, This is a happy medium I suppose.”

Its not long before the food arrives, even with sharing it between 3 there is more than enough for everyone. Natsuki seems to switch between savouring the food and eating it like its the last time she will be allowed food. She has definitely calmed down from when she first arrived. I've never seen her that shaken before. The mixture of food she has clearly never had before and an anime that combines many of her favourite things. They are at least helping her to forget whatever happened to her tonight. After binge watching the first 12 episodes. All 3 of us are struggling to stay awake. Before he tries to start the next episode, I take the remote away from MC.

  
S: “I think that'll do for now.”

MC : “Yeah it's getting pretty late.”

N: “Thanks again you guys.. For the food, the room, and for finally giving me the chance to watch that. I've wanted to see it since it came out. If you like, I can make breakfast in the morning.”

MC: “You don't need to do that, I've already promised Sayori I'd make her pancakes.”

N: “No, I'm making breakfast tomorrow, that's final. I can do pancakes and more.”

MC turns to me to see my face light up at the idea of an even bigger breakfast, and Natsuki seems to be more like her cute bossy self. We all make our way upstairs, bidding Natsuki good night and then heading to MC's room. I lay down on his bed as he getting changed in the bathroom, I don't think he realizes he has left the door partially open. Changing out of his clothes into his night clothes, the moment he removes his top my attention is brought to his left arm. Are those bracelets? But he used to hate things like that, yet there they are clear as day. 4 of them.

He glances up and sees that the door is partially open and that I'm looking at him. He repositions himself so that he is hidden behind the door. My thoughts are pulled back to when I walked into the classroom He and Yuri were in. Been there done that, Not who I am anymore. Those two sentences whirling in my head like a hurricane. What aren't you telling me. Why are you afraid to tell me of all people. Closing my eyes, I can see the bandages on Yuri's arms in my head. _Been there done that._ No.. No.. I refuse to believe that.. He's one of the strongest people I know.. He wouldn't.. ...But the sleeves.. the bracelets...

_  
“I have lost almost everything that matters to me in the last 3 years..”_

**_  
Even the strongest of people have breaking points._ **

  
How... How could I have missed this... HOW?! You are supposed to be his best friend. You are now more than that. You of all people saw him more than anyone when he shut himself away.

It causes me to sit up and look to the bathroom door again. I feel uneasy right down to my stomach, almost like I want to cry.

I shake my head, stop it Sayori. You don't know for sure. Don't automatically assume the worst. If there is anything wrong, past or present, he'll tell you.

When he's ready


	4. Chapter Four

**Chapter 4 - Three weeks later.**

Natsuki has been staying with us for a few weeks now. Every now and again she sneaks home to get a few more clothes when she knows her dad isn't there. Neither MC or myself have asked her about what happened. She has spoken a little about it, but always seems to shy away from letting out too much. MC did tell me he saw what he thought were bruises when he accidentally walked in on her getting changed. I want to almost laugh about it, she screamed the house down and started throwing anything she could at him, all while he had his eyes closed saying sorry over and over.

In a strange way, it makes me feel better about my problems. Going from feeling like I have to keep up appearances for everyone else's sake because nobody would understand, to realizing that I'm just one of many. Everyone has their own problems. It's a double edged sword, what little comfort it gives me to know I'm not that different, it equally hurts seeing those around me keep their problems to themselves. But I can at least understand why they do.

I'm brought back from my thoughts by my arm being nudged.

MC: “Earth to Sayori? Hello?”

S: “Huh? Oh.. Sorry, was just thinking about stuff.”

N: “You're as bad as Yuri sometimes, I was asking if you wanted a drink while I'm up.”

  
I didn't even notice Natsuki get up from the sofa, we've spent most of the afternoon watching more of that show Food Wars, I don't normally watch stuff like this, but this one has been a little easier to get into. Partially down to what its about, the other part being we've only ever watched it when the 3 of us are together.

  
S: “Yes please. Is there any of the Dr Pepper left?”

  
Natsuki returns to the sofa with everyone's drinks. We unpause the episode and watch the final 5 minutes of it.

  
MC: “So summer isn't too far away now. Either of you fancy going anywhere?”

S: “I hadn't really thought about it. My parents haven't said anything about them booking anything.”

N: “How am I meant to pay for something like that? Dummy.”

MC: “Don't worry about it, I'd sort that. You earn your keep around here anyway. Doesn't matter to me if its a trip away or a bunch of days away different places. We could invite Monika and Yuri too if you like.”

N: “Speaking of those two, Monika wanted me to ask if you both wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow?

S: “I'd love to!” I turn around quickly and hold onto his arm and look up at him into his eyes.

S: “Can we? Pleeeease?”

MC: “What are you asking me for? I didn't think I was going to get a choice in this. Did they say what they wanted to go see?”

N: “Yuri said it was a gallows humor movie? Whatever that means.”

MC: “So not some cliché romantic nonsense? I'm in. Gallows humor is what they call horror movies that are meant to be funny and a bit stupid instead of scary.”

S: “Is that like the one we watched with the sheep?

MC: “Black Sheep? That is exactly the kind of thing it'll be like.”

N: “So it won't be an actual scary horror film then? Good. I hate horror.”

We are interrupted by a knock on the door. MC walks slowly up to the door and opens it. It's a tall but quite scrawny man, with quite a cold expressionless face, that looks like he hasn't slept in days. His eyes seem to be looking straight past MC, directly at Natsuki. She looks terrified, from the moment she saw who it was, the drink in her hand was hidden behind her. There is a long uncomfortable silence before the man speaks up. As he goes to walk past MC, his eyes still fixated on Natsuki.

  
ND: “So this is where you have been.”

N: “...Dad...”

Before he gets too far, MC places his hand on Natsuki's dads chest and pushes him back to the other side of the door frame before stepping into the door to block it.

  
MC: “I don't recall inviting you in to my house, or on to my property.”

  
If I thought she looked scared before, the sight of someone standing up to her father has put her even more on edge. As if its something that has never happened before, and the fact that it has just happened puts her in a position she has never been in before. She mentioned a few nights ago, that his temper and what he would do were predictable, but this has clearly changed everything. Her father seems unsure of what to do either, this really must be the first time anyone has stood between Natsuki and himself.

  
ND: “This doesn't concern you, Boy. I'm here to take my darling daughter home.”

MC: “Oh this concerns me alright, you don't think I know, do you? The bruises, they were done by you, weren't they.”

  
A sickening smile appears on her fathers face. Almost like he's proud of what MC just accused him of. At the same time Natsuki's eyes widen slightly in shock, she must not have known that he saw them.

  
MC: “Natsuki can make her own choices, she isn't a helpless child. And from where I'm standing, it looks like she is home.”

Hearing that seems to snap her out of the hold her own fear has on her, she looks up, at first to MC who is still blocking the doorway, then to me. Her eyes are slowly filling up with tears. I give her a reassuring smile and nod in agreement with what he has just said. Putting my arm around her, she buries her head into my shoulder and begins sobbing quietly. The smile disappears from her fathers face, leaving only cold scowling eyes, which have shifted from Natsuki, onto MC. Another uncomfortable silence follows as they stare at each other. Without saying a word, Natsuki's father walks backwards towards the gate, eyes still locked onto MC, as he reaches the gate, they shift back to Natsuki, who is still crying into my shoulder. I do what I can to make sure she doesn't see the look he is giving her. The twisted smile reappears on his face as he opens the gate to leave, his eyes move back to MC.

ND: “I'll see you soon.”

I can't tell if he is saying that to Natsuki or MC or both. But how he said it... It scares me. Once MC is sure he has left, he closes the door and returns to the sofa with us. He has always been like this, he was never one to pick fights. But was always there to stand up for me whenever someone was picking on me. He just wants to do what's right. Its one of the things I love most about him. A few minutes pass without anyone speaking, Natsuki has eventually calmed down enough to talk.

N: “Why..? Why would you do that.. for me..?”

MC: “Call me old fashioned, I can't stand by and let something happen to one of my friends. I felt like I had to put a stop to it. You make your own choices Natsuki. He doesn't own or control you.”

S: “He meant what he said Natsuki, this is your home, if you want it to be.”

N: “And you're really okay with me living here too? With your boyfriend?”

MC: “I have a name you know.”

N: “7 Days a week, with this dummy.”

MC: “I'm sorry what was that?”

N: “You heard me, Dummy.”

MC: “Do I need to move the baking stuff to the top shelf, or the manga in the club room again?”

I look down to see Natsuki clenching her fists and gritting her teeth. Well at least everything seems to be back to normal?

N: “I blamed Monika for that! You did it?!”

MC: “You kept calling me dummy, and making stupid jokes about Sayori and me being together.”

Yep, definitely back to normal. Can I really leave them in a house alone together? Even if its only for at most two nights a week. I've practically started living here myself. Speaking loudly and clearly enough to break their death staring contest.

S: “ANYWAY, I'm fine with you staying here Natsuki, providing the two of you don't kill each other.”

N: “Hmph, Fine I won't. Unless he walks in on me 'By Accident' again.”

MC: “Well maybe if you didn't have your headphones so loud you would of heard me knock first!”

N: “Did you even knock though?!

MC: “You think I walked in on you like that on purpose!?”

I sigh loudly, standing up and walking over to the kitchen, I can think of one sure fire way to get them to stop arguing for at least half an hour.

S: “I'm going to make a start on dinner”

  
This causes both of them to put their heads up like a pair of meerkats, almost in sync they turn to look at me, then back to each other. They both jump to their feet and come rushing over to the kitchen. I don't know if I should be offended by this, or laugh at the fact they've done exactly what I want them to.

  
MC: “That's alright! I can sort it!”

N: “I'll make something for dessert too! Its the least I can do for earlier. You go ahead and sit down Sayori.”

S: “Oh okay. If you guys are sure.”

I lay down on the sofa, watching the two of them for a minute. Turning my head to look at the ceiling, I'm finding it really difficult to hide an almost smug grin. Living with two personal chefs huh? I'm okay with this.


	5. Chapter Five

**Chapter 5.**

**The following morning**

Ever since that night, the first time we shared a bed, I've found myself being able to sleep easier. Being in his bed, using his pillows. They seem to keep me calm at night, calmer than any stuffed animal I've ever owned. Being here makes me feel safe. At first he was the same. We would sleep right through, waking up next to each other and it was perfect. But since the day I overheard Yuri and him, knowing that I know he is hiding something. His sleep has become increasingly patchy. Some days we wake up together, others I'd wake up to find him either sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. Or he'd be down in the basement using his punchbag. Some nights I'm not convinced he sleeps at all.

I've tried asking if he is okay, or wants to talk. But he just smiles and says he's fine. Who is he trying to kid? He is doing exactly what I had been doing and he can't see it. I recently found one of his scrap pieces of paper from when we write poems for the literature club, we don't do it as often as we used to. On the back of the page of unused ideas, he had started writing what seemed to be a note. Most of the words had been scribbled out, but the few I could make out gave me a rough time frame of when whatever it is he is hiding happened. 16, Dad, funeral. Understandable, it was probably the worst year of his life.

But near the end of the note he used the word Mother. Which was probably the biggest surprise on the page. He outright refuses to talk about her. He despises her very existence. I was always told by my father that they got divorced when MC was 9 years old, that it was mutual. The way it gets to him tells me otherwise. His father never had a problem talking about her in a positive light. But any mention of her used to make MC seethe with anger, he would never shout or be vocal about it though. Except for the day of his dads funeral.

In my head I think back to that morning. MC had been staying at our house in the days after his dad passed. My father had been one of his closest friends and had been in charge of all the legal proceedings and arranging the funeral. He and MC were in his home office, I had just entered the room to check on him, neither of them had noticed me.

SD: “I finally heard back from your mother”

MC: “She's not coming. Is she.”

SD: “I'm sorry MC, I'm afraid not.”

MC: “Why am I not surprised...”

The look on his face, it wasn't the silent anger I'd grown used to when dealing with thoughts of her. He looked wounded, lost. I can't begin to imagine what he was thinking or feeling then. Even just remembering that moment now still almost brings me to tears.

I wake slowly, its been one of those nights where he has managed to stay with me, in no small part to me making sure I fell asleep holding his arm as it was around me. I turn to face him. Seeing him sleep with how he has been lately is a welcome sight. I rest my head against his chest and just enjoy the moment. After about 15 minutes, I feel him moving as he wakes. He tilts his head down and kisses me on the forehead. I open my eyes and look up at him.

MC: “Hey you.”

S: “5 more minutes, I just want to enjoy this a bit longer” I say as I push my head into his chest more.

He wraps his arms around me, resting one on the back of my head, playing with my hair softly and the other further down my back. Those 5 minutes as perfect as they are, pass far too quickly.

MC: “We should really get up.”

S: “No, Mine.”

MC: “Huh?”

I push him onto his back and sit with my legs either side of him, I lay down with my head on his chest hugging him tightly.

S: “Mine.”

After a few moments I sit up a little and look at him, he looks like he is worried about something and blushing? What's he so worked up for? Then it hits me, Literally and figuratively hits me. I let out a small squeak in surprise. My eyes widen a little as I look into his. Okay Sayori, don't freak out. Calm. Collected. You can do this. You've been waiting for this. You know how this works, sort of. You have thought of this happening before, even before he even joined the club. You. Can. Do. This. By now I'm blushing as well, my heart is fluttering and both of us breathing heavier. At that moment the door swings open. Why!? Why now of all times?!

N: “Wakey wakey you two, breakfast will be ready in a few min... Oh...”

MC and I both look at her, all 3 of our faces bright red. There is an awkward silence. MC is the first to speak.

MC: “At least I knocked first.”

S: “Can we please not start that argument again”

Visibly wound up by his comment, gritting her teeth, she stomps off. She doesn't quite slam the door but its close. She knows he won this round and she doesn't like it.

MC: “Well that was a bit of a mood killer”

S: “Just a bit, breakfast does sound good.”

We both get out of bed and get ready to head downstairs. Things are a little awkward after what just happened. The moment just happened so naturally, I can't help but feel a little frustrated. MC and I haven't really spoken about it, we just both assumed that it'll happen when the time is right. That felt right.

A few minutes pass and I'm making my way downstairs, MC is still upstairs, Natsuki is putting the finishing touches on everyone's food. Even when it's just food, she always feels the need to present it well.

N: “Hey, umm... I didn't mean to disturb you like that.. I thought you both were still asleep.”

S: “It's alright. We weren't doing anything.”

N: “Are you sure? I didn't interrupt you? Cause it really looked like..”

S: “No, no. Well, I don't know. I'm not really sure what was about to happen.”

N: “If you say so. Foods ready”

I get the impression she doesn't believe me. MC joins us a minute later as Natsuki moves all the plates over to the table. Looking down at the plate of pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon. It really shows how proud she is of her work in the kitchen. The bacon is finely diced up and arranged to spell Sayori across the top pancake. Held down by a small amount of maple syrup acting as glue. I glance over to MC, who doesn't seem as impressed with the hard work she has put into the decoration as I am. He looks at my plate and then back to his own

S: “How do you make breakfast look so good? It's amazing!”

MC: “You wrote idiot on my pancakes.”

Looking over at his plate, I can see why he wasn't as impressed as I thought he should have been.

N: “Problem?”

MC: “Not if it means you had to use extra bacon to do it.”

N: “I didn't, but Sayori's name needed some more so I took it from yours. Feel free to make your own breakfast tomorrow if it bothers you.”

Through almost gritted teeth he manages to grunt out what sounds almost like a thank you. This might seem like a petty revenge act for his comment earlier, but she knows it has worked and she is loving every second of it.

S: “So what time did they say the movie starts?”

N: “2pm, so hopefully it won't be super busy.”

MC: “Leaves us plenty of time to get ready and get there then.”

**A few hours later, at the cinema.**

S: “So if I get the salted popcorn, and you get the sweet one. We can share!”

MC: “No.”

S: “Awww why not?!”

MC: “Because you don't share. You eat most of yours, leaving all the tiny bits you don't like. Then 'swap' with mine. Just get the bigger size and we can get you a mixture.”

I admit defeat and agree. He sees me looking at what he bought for himself and pouting at him. Shaking his head as we walk towards the screen and meet up with Monika and Yuri, they already bought their snacks while waiting on us. Thankfully Natsuki was right, it isn't that busy this showing, so its pretty easy to find seats and chat for a bit while we wait for the previews to start.

MC: “What's wrong now?”

S: “You didn't tell me they did nachos.”

MC: “Extra cheese, extra jalapeños, the only way to have them”

S: “Can I try one?”

MC: “You have popcorn, several bars of chocolate and an milkshake, but if you must, you can have one. ONE.”

The nacho is absolutely heaven, just the right amount of cheese mixed with the light heat of the diced up jalapeño. I really wish I had gotten some too. I'm just about to ask for another when I can hear someone's phone start to vibrate. MC pulls his phone out of his pocket. Managing to get a quick glimpse of his screen as he goes to answer it. That's my dads number... and not his personal phone. His work phone? But why would he be calling MC on his day off? I don't even get the chance to ask before MC shoots to his feet and heads for the door.

MC: “I'll be back in a few minutes.”

I'm sure he won't mind if I have a few more while we wait, he said one. But I'm sure he meant one at a time.

Y: “Umm.. Sayori? Didn't he say one?

S: “Oh he never means it, besides there is plenty left.”

N: “You sure about that?”

M: “I think he's going to notice.”

Oh crap. I've eaten nearly all of them. Its not my fault, they were too delicious to be left alone. Hide the evidence! And by that I mean eat the last few then deny he ever bought them. Its nearly 10 minutes before he comes back. Please don't be mad at me for this. He takes his seat and looks blankly at the screen, he doesn't even ask about his stuff.

S: “Is everything okay, why was my dad calling..”

MC: “Everything's fine. He just wanted to arrange a time to deal with putting some.. some of my dads old accounts in my name.”

S: “Sorry, I kind of, ate maybe a bit too many nachos...”

MC: “You can have them, I'm not hungry.”

Hearing that, it makes my heart sting. Whatever it was they spoke about, it has quite clearly bothered him. He is doing it again, exactly what I did. Hiding behind a false smile, pretending everything's fine for the sake of everyone else around him.

I have to try to stop this.. before it goes too far... but how?


	6. Chapter Six

**Chapter 6**

The movie itself was quite funny, but MC didn't seem to be paying much attention. Things that I know he should of laughed at got nothing from him. Like he was staring at the screen but taking nothing in. He starts to come around a bit on the walk home. As if whatever he has been thinking about has cleared in his head. I can't tell if its him suppressing what was in his head, or if he has been able to resolve whatever was bothering him. He has always been a little difficult to read when he wants to be, even more so since his dads passing.

As we approach the edge of the street both his and my parents houses are on, he is the first around corner. Without warning he spins on the spot, pulling me into a tight hug.

  
MC: “All of you, stay where you are. Especially you Natsuki.”

S: “What's going on?”

MC: “Just trust me, do not come around into view.”

N: “It's.. he's there isn't he...”

MC: “Yes he is. Sayori, do you remember the way we used to use into my places garden from the alleyway?”

S: “Yes? The one by the streetlight?”

MC: “When I let go, walk that way. It still works. All of you go inside and wait for me.”

  
He kisses me gently on the lips followed by the cheek and then smiles at me, as he lets go I step back around the corner and start to make my way towards the alleyway. Trust in him Sayori, he isn't going to do something stupid or reckless. That isn't him. I find myself turning around and looking behind me out of concern. He's not there...

  
S: “No no no.... What is he doing..”

N: “Sayori.. Focus, we need you to show us where to go.”

M: “Can one of you please tell us what is going on?”

Y: “I have to agree, MC isn't usually so stern, And who did Natsuki mean?”

N: “Sayori and I will tell you when we get inside, but right now I do not want to be out here. Sayori please.”  
  


She's afraid, and after what her father said as he left before I'm not surprised. Every part of me wants to follow him, to make sure he will be okay. But Natsuki is right, without me they won't know where he meant. Why do you have to be doing this, why couldn't you just come with us too.

It takes us just over a minute to reach the spot he meant. Telling the others to follow my lead, I climb the first fence, landing between it and the fence into the garden. It has been a few years since I did this, the gap feels a lot smaller than it did back then. I move my hand along the fence panels counting in my head as I go. 8 and 9, pretty sure it's these two. Just like he said, the bottom parts had not been reattached, and they can be pushed apart to fit through. I stay by the fence to help the others through. Yuri almost tripped stepping into the garden, but I manage to steady her. I swear this girl is too top heavy.

Entering the house, I run straight to his room, it'll have the best view of the street outside. As I reach the window, I freeze. What is he thinking... The others join me within a few seconds and Natsuki looks out the window then steps back looking horrified.  
  


MC and her father are stood almost face to face. Eyes locked onto the other. They seem to be talking, but we can't make out what. I can't help but feel a little sick with worry watching this. I want to run out there and keep an eye on him. He sent us the other way on purpose. To appear alone and if I go out that would give away that others are in the house at all. Whatever MC has just said to Natsuki's dad has triggered an angry response. Watching in horror as he strikes him on the left side of his face. I'm not the only person surprised by this, Yuri covers her mouth with her hand and Monika's mouth opens slightly, like she wants to shout but can't.

  
M: “Is.. is he laughing at him?”

N: “That idiot he's going to make him angrier..”

But they were right, almost immediately after being struck, MC had stood back up straight and speaks to her father with what looks like a mocking tone on his face as he steps towards him, causing Natsuki's dad to take a step back. The look on his face and in his eyes.. Something's not right here... That phone call earlier.. I don't know what he spoke to my dad about.. the sickened feeling in my stomach gets worse... It's causing this.

None of us can stop watching despite how much we want to go outside and stop this. As Natsuki's dad takes a second swing, MC leans back and avoids it. Following up with a single swing of his own, which connects much harder than the one that hit him. Sending Natsuki's dad stumbling back as he almost loses his footing. This time MC speaks loud enough for us to hear.  
  


MC: “What's the matter?! Not used to people fighting back? Things not going your way this time?!”

  
Before he can answer MC strikes him again, this time causing him to fall onto his side. Followed by a kick to the stomach before he can get back up. This anger, its as if he is lashing out after someone mentioned...his mother... The phone call must have been about her... and it must have been something bad... Instead of keeping it to himself he's reacting. This isn't him. This isn't my MC. In his mind he probably thinks he is protecting people. But his actions are being warped by how angry he is.

MC: “How does it feel?! Knowing this is what you do to her?!”

Before MC can do any more a third person steps in breaking the events up. That.. that's my dad.

SD: “That's enough. Go inside and cool off. Now, And you. Get up and leave. I saw the whole thing and you struck first.”

MC walks past as Natsuki's father slowly makes his way to his feet. Neither of them breaking eye contact.

MC: “I'll see you soon.”

SD: “I said go inside.”

Hearing the front door, I'm the first to rush downstairs followed by the others. I throw myself at him and wrap my arms around him but he won't stop looking down at the floor. He knows he went too far.

S: “You idiot, what the hell was that?”

MC: “I didn't want it to go that way.. I was just going to talk.. I was trying to tell him she isn't here. But when he hit me, all I could see was him doing that to Natsuki. I lost control...”

S: “There is more to it than that. I know you. You don't lose control like that. That phone call earlier.. It was about her wasn't it..”

SD: “Sayori, all of you. Upstairs for a moment please. MC and I need a word.”

S: “No I'm not going anywhere.” Tightening my grip around MC.

MC: “Its fine... Sayori can stay.”

N: “Yuri, Monika, lets go upstairs. You guys asked what was going on, right?”

  
The three of them disappear upstairs. Once we hear the door to Natsukis room close, my dad ushers us into MC's dads old office and locks the door. It has been a few years since I've been in this room. It is exactly how I remember it. MC hasn't changed a single thing about it, other than try to keep it clean.  
  


SD: “It is just as well you messaged me to come over MC. Mind explaining what that was all about?”

S: “When did you do that?”

MC: “Just after I left you to go to the alley, I sent a message. In case things went badly. So there could be someone to stop it.”

S: “That man was the father of the pink haired girl you saw in the living room. Her name is Natsuki. She has been living here with MC for nearly a month.”

SD: “And you, it seems. What you think your mother and I wouldn't notice you had all but moved out? Why is she staying here then.”

MC: “When she first moved in, I caught a glimpse of her upper arms. They were bruised pretty badly. When he came round yesterday and knocked on the door, the way he reacted all but confirmed that he had been the one to do it.”

SD: “And what about you? Sayori is right, that reaction is very unlike you. It's because of what we talked about earlier isn't it.”

MC: “I stand by what I said earlier. I want her cut off.”

S: “What do you mean?”

MC: “One of the accounts being left to me. My dad had left it paying money monthly into an account in America. In her name. Even after all she did, he was both blind and stupid to the fact she was milking everything she could out of him.”

SD: That's enough! Do not speak of your father like that. He was a kind man, who cared greatly about those he deemed his family. I'm not saying I agree with his choice, but it was his choice to make and he clearly still loved your mother.

MC: “She isn't part of this family. There IS no family anymore! ITS. JUST. ME.”  
  


Hearing that hurts. He isn't wrong though. Both of his parents were from single child families so he has no aunts or uncles. But I need to do something. Anything. I can't let him feel like he is alone. I step towards him and place my hand on his cheek, looking into his eyes.

  
S: “You have me”

I can feel his arms wrap around me. He calms down a little hearing that.

MC: “I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that.. I don't know where I'd be without you.”

S: “Not just me, you have my family, Natsuki, Yuri, Monika. All of us. We are here for you. Just like you are for us.”

I can hear my dad chuckle behind me. Both MC and I turn to look at him.

SD: “I guess I owe you a beer in his place MC. Final year of high school, your dad was right.”

MC: “Right about what?”

SD: “The two of you.”

We both freeze in place. I haven't spoken to my parents about how MC and I are a couple yet. Then again like my dad said, Its not like me staying over here almost every night of the week has gone unnoticed. MC's grip on me loosens a little, but he doesn't let go. In response to that I hold him tighter.

SD: “You don't need to worry about it dear. Your mother and I both saw this coming too. Its getting late. MC please sleep on what we talked about. I know you say you've made up your mind already. But I can't deal with the paperwork until tomorrow morning. Let me know your answer tomorrow.”

MC: “My answer won't change. I want every last trace of her gone.”

SD: “You do realize by doing this, she might come here looking for answers.”

MC: “That's a risk I'm willing to take.”

SD: “Good night, both of you.  
  


With that, my dad leaves to go home. We call the others downstairs and start immediately arguing among ourselves about what type of take out to order. The rest of the night is spent explaining the events of how Natsuki ended up staying here and the events from earlier today. When it comes to the topic of what we spoke about in the office, MC leaves out the part about his mother, telling them what he told me in the cinema.

I can't help but feel there is a hidden agenda to his choice to cut her off completely. Does he want her to come here?


	7. Chapter Seven

**Chapter 7**

**  
Two days later**

  
  
Dr: “That'll be all for today, Sayori.”

S: “Thank you, Dr Aiza. I'll see you next week.”

  
Its took some convincing, but MC managed to push me into trying therapy after what happened. This is the end of my fifth session. At first I wasn't so sure, it took a few sessions for me to feel comfortable opening up to somebody other than him. But it has helped. It feels less like I'm constantly under a rain cloud, more like its partly cloudy. And he is the sun that helped break through the endless clouds. There are still plenty of days that are hard. Sometimes I still don't want to get out of bed in the morning. But they are far less often than the good days. Besides, its much easier to get out of bed in the mornings when you have someone willing to scoop you up and walk you to the bathroom in his arms.

Walking out of the office, MC is waiting for me outside. I can't help but walk over to him quickly and throw my arms around his middle.

  
Dr: “So this is who you mean when you said MC, Sayori. Hello MC, its been a while since I've seen you. Feeling better these days I hope.”

S: “Huh?”

MC: “Umm yeah.. I'm good..”

Dr: “Excellent, You haven't done it again since then have you?”

MC: “NO! No no, I mean No I haven't.”

Dr: “Well if possible. I'd like you to join us for next weeks session. It's unusual for two such cases to know each other, let alone share the bond you both have.”

S: “What do you mean?”

Dr: “Oh. You don't know do you? MC, I'm now going to have to insist you join us for the next session. Try to find the time to tell her before then.”

MC: “I uhh...I'll try... I mean I will...”

Dr: “Great. I will see you both next week.”

  
So he has a week to tell me? I guess I should be thankful to Dr Aiza for giving him this ultimatum. I've wanted to for a while but didn't want to force the issue too much.

After Dr Aiza walks away, I turn to look into his eyes. I place my hand on his cheek and pull his gaze to mine to help him calm down. He looks absolutely petrified by what's just been said. But regains his composure and looks me back in the eyes when he feels my hand against his him. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a kiss. I love moments like this. Just me, him. The rest of the world doesn't matter. It still gives me butterflies even now. Every time.  
  


“See I told you he would have a girlfriend.”

  
We stop what we are doing to turn to see who had spoken about us. Its two girls that I've only ever seen about the school but never spoken to. The one who spoke has shoulder length dark chocolate hair parted in the middle and thin framed glasses. The other who hasn't spoken yet is slightly taller than me, her golden hair in 2 long plaits either side and seems almost as well endowed as Yuri.

MC: “Sayori, this is Jessi and Miko. Members of the music club.”

  
MC had been in the music club briefly a few years back, but left shortly after his fathers death. He might not have any talent with an instrument, but back then at least. He could sing. One of the first moments I realized I was starting to get feelings for him, I had walked into his room and saw him singing along with his music as he tidied. Back when his music taste was a lot mellower than it is now. Hearing him then it felt like someone had grabbed hold of my heart with both hands.

It was me to push him to join the music club both times, the first time because I was in awe at how he wasn't using such a gift. This time around it was one of the conditions for me starting therapy. I'd do this if he started to sing again. Thankfully it doesn't meet on the same day as the literature club.

The golden haired girl is the first to speak.

  
Mi: “Pleasure to meet you Sayori.” Why do I get the feeling she already hates me.

S: “Yeah. Likewise.”

J: “Well we better get going.”

Mi: “See you at next weeks club meeting MC.”

MC: “I'm not going to be able to make the next meeting, I got some stuff I need to take care of next Tuesday.”

Mi: “That's a shame. Maybe the week after then.”

MC: “Yeah. I'll be there.”

  
Waiting for the two of them to leave, As Miko turns to walk away. I feel her stare at me, almost like she is sizing me up. As she does this I make sure to pull MC in tighter, judging by her expression shift as I do, she did not like that one bit. Good. Waiting for them to reach the end of the corridor, we turn and head for the exit. Looking up and MC, he seems completely oblivious to what just happened.

S: “So you seem to be making new friends.”

MC: “Eh? That is probably the most I've said to either of them just now. The music club has a lot more members than the literature club. Its kinda hard to speak to everyone.”

S: “How is the music club going for you by the way?”

MC: “I got a bit lucky, my first day back there, one of the guys who was there from a few years ago recognised me and pulled me into his group. They have to divide up into smaller groups due to the member count. It can be quite competitive.”

S: “Are either of those two in your group?”

MC: “Who, Jessi and Miko? No they are both vocalists as well. So they are in another group together as a duet. If anything they are the ones I'd be competing against, if I choose to perform at the talent show next month, But I don't think I will.”

S: “Well in order to keep your voice rested, we are getting ice cream on the way home. Dr Sayori's orders.”

MC: “Uh huh, and this has nothing to do with you wanting ice cream at all then.”

S: “Whatever do you mean. I have a vocalist to look after I'll have you know.”

  
We make our way to our favourite ice cream shop, it's a small family run place just outside a park. Several of the pictures in my digital photo frame at home have us eating ice cream from this place. Its a 15 minute walk there from school, it also means we need to cut through the park to reach it. There are very few clouds in the sky today and it's quite warm. We've both already taken our school blazers off.

The park itself is in full bloom, birds singing, all the flowerbeds tended and full of life. We pick out a spot to go to after we visit the ice cream place. Nice and shaded under a tree, somewhere we have sat often together in the past during summer holidays. Reaching the shop I can't help but get a little excited.  
  


S: “MC look at all the new flavours they have!”

“What can I get for the two of you?”  
  


I look up to see the familiar sight of the stores owner, the man who's father founded this place. They sell all the usual flavours but also make some of their own recipes which are constantly changing. The home made stuff has always been my favourite. I love trying something different every time I'm here with MC.

  
S: “Can I have 1 scoop of maple pecan and 1 scoop of cinnamon and walnut please!”

SO: “And for the young man?”

MC: “You do milkshakes now too? I'll have a large honeycomb icecream shake, please.”

MC turns to look at me, and notices how I'm looking at him as he finishes his order. I put on a pretend sad face and open my eyes extra wide. Any moment now.... He rolls his eyes at me and turns back to the owner.

MC: “Better make that two large honeycomb shakes.”  
  


Success! I hug his arm and rest my head on his shoulder, as he looks down to me I wink at him and stick my tongue out a little. He smiles and leans down and kisses my forehead. As he pays for our stuff, I turn around again and take in the scenery. Before all of this, before we were an us. Even on a day like today, I would have felt lost under the rainclouds in my mind. But now, right now I can smile for real, no hiding behind a mask. I don't feel lost all the time. I have him to thank for this. All of it. The boy I grew up with, my best friend who became the man who saved my life.

We make our way to the spot we picked out earlier, sitting in the shade against a tree. The two flavours I picked are a perfect match, I eat them slowly to savour them. The honeycomb milkshake is also just right, what can I say the man has good taste. We sit for a while, with MC leaning against the tree and me with the back of my head on his leg looking up at the sky. His hand running through my hair, taking care not to knock my bow. As perfect as this is, I can't help but feel a little guilty, for all he has done for me. I get up then sit sideways on his lap, leaning into his chest as he wraps his arms around me. Try as I might, I can't stop a lone tear from falling, praying he doesn't see it, but no such luck.

  
MC: “Sayori? Whats wrong?”

S: “It's nothing. I'm just being silly.”

MC: “Come on, you can tell me.”

S: “MC... Thank you. For everything you've done for me. Growing up, and especially since that night...”

MC: “Hey, stop that. You don't need to thank me. I did all of those things because you matter. To me, to all of those around you.”

S: “You saved my life.. I owe you everything...”  
  


At that comment, he looks away for a moment and closes his eyes. From where I am it looks like he is arguing with himself in his head. After a small silence he turns back to me and looks me in the eyes.

  
MC: “Then we are even. Because... you did the exact same thing for me. Even... even if you didn't know it.”

  
I sit up at what he has said trying to process it.

  
S: “What are you talking about?”

MC: “I know you found that note Sayori. I've been trying to tell you for weeks. Dr Aiza has kinda put me on the spot here you know.”

S: “What did she mean earlier by since then?”

MC: “I'll tell you, and show you when we get home tonight. I promise.”

  
At that he pulls me back down against his chest.

  
MC: “For now, lets just enjoy what we have right now. Okay?”

  
  
I don't question it any further. I don't want to spoil what has been a perfect afternoon together, just MC and myself. He tilts my head up to look at him, just like he did the morning after we became a couple. We start to share another kiss. I find myself wrapping my two arms around the back of his neck, to keep us together.

As much as I want to know what he is going to tell me tonight, right now in this moment. I don't want what we have to end. It truly has been the perfect afternoon.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song choice used as background music in this chapter can be found here.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qLL2Gx3I_k

**Chapter 8**

Almost the whole walk home from the park, MC is quiet. Although I expected this to happen after he promised me he'd tell me when we got back to his. I can tell that he is trying to think of how. He's finally going to tell me what happened. But I can't get the unwanted thoughts out of my head. Do I really want to know? What if it changes everything? Is knowing really worth it when it puts him through this?

What did he mean by I saved him too? I've never done anything like that. I've never needed to. He's always been the strong one. My rock that I can depend on. I can't remember me having to pick him up even once. Yet the way he said it, there was so much sincerity in his voice. Like a weight was being lifted off his chest. Something he had been wanting to, needing to say for a while.

Arriving home, we make our way slowly to his room. I sit on the edge of his bed, hoping he will join me. But he begins pacing from his window to the other side of the room. Stopping at his computer and opening up his music player. The song choice was definitely not what I was expecting. I know the song but I've never heard this version of it.

MC: “I hope you don't mind. But right now I need this. It helps me focus.”

S: “Not at all. You can tell me later if you are uncomfortable right now.”

MC: “No, I said I would... I should have told you back then... It's been a long time coming.”

He stops facing his wall mounted mirror. He isn't looking at himself. He is using it to watch how I'm going to react.

MC: “I want to stress before I do this... That this isn't who I am anymore....This... This is me when I fell to my lowest... The lowest I've ever been.”

Hearing these words sends an intense sharp pain to my heart. Before I can say anything to stop him, to tell him its fine. He pulls his shirt up and over his head. First revealing his right arm, then his left as his shirt slides down his left arm and onto the floor. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath he places both his arms by his sides.

I can't help but gasp quietly in shock when I see it. Both of his forearms.. They are littered with small faint white lines... From his elbow to near his wrists... This can't be real. This is a bad dream.

As he turns to face me. I get another sharp pain in my heart. Its not just his forearms. While very few in number there are some of the faint white scars on his chest as well. I can't help but walk over and place my hand on his chest. Followed by using my other hand to trace the lines on his left arm, all the way down to the bracelets. I'm waiting on him pulling his arm away when I go near them, but he doesn't. He clearly wants to. But is fighting with everything he has not to run.

I place my finger gently underneath the bracelets and slowly move them until they come off. Turning his arm back around, I almost feel sick immediately, if I thought the two pains in my heart before hurt. They are nothing compared to right now, instead of a sharp instant twang, it's a constant ache. Removing the bracelets revealed one more scar. Much larger than all of the others and nowhere near as faint.

This one... was done with intent...

As I run my finger slowly over it, I can feel myself tearing up. How could he have hidden this from me. I could have lost him and I never knew. All of this could never have happened. I'm trying to speak, almost choking on my own tears. So many things I want to say. But I can only force out a single word.

S: “Why...”

MC: “After the funeral.. I waited.. and waited.. She said she would call to check on me..”

His mother.. This is her fault.

I can't help but feel a sense of burning anger towards her, much in the same way he would.

MC: “I waited.. Isolating myself from everyone.. Just to make sure I didn't miss any attempts she might make to contact me... She.. never called... The one time in my life I needed her... The one time I would have welcomed her back...”

His words are tearing my heart apart. I can't help but feel guilty for not trying harder to be around him back then. I can't help but cry for him right now. I would of help carry this burden had I've known.

S: “I'm so sorry. I should have been there for you and I wasn't”

MC: “No, this isn't your fault. I pushed everyone away.. You tried harder than anyone else but I hid myself away. It was me that didn't let you in when I should have.

He lifts up both arms and looks at them.

MC: “I started doing this... I felt like there was something wrong with me... That there had to be some reason she didn't want me in her life.. That I was the problem... After a while I felt like I was numb... and the only time I felt anything was when I did this...”

I throw my arms around him and hold him as tight as I can, crying softly into his chest. I can feel tears of his own landing in my hair. I turn my head and look at his left wrist, seeing it up close hurts more than I thought possible, yet I can't look away.

MC: “Eventually.. I got to the point where... where I didn't want to feel anymore... I didn't want to be anymore... I just wanted all of it to be over.... But as I did this... You called me... saying you were worried about me.. offering to come over and spend time with me...”

My eyes widen sharply, I remember that conversation. He sounded panicked on the phone, saying that I shouldn't worry about him. That he wasn't feeling well so was going to go to the hospital. I offered to go with him but he refused saying he'd be alright by himself. I spent the following days trying to get hold of him but I couldn't.

MC: “You were the last person I wanted to find me... To see me like that... I couldn't let that happen... I called an ambulance straight after I hung up on you.. I did everything I could to slow it down.. but I couldn't stop it... I blacked out before the paramedics arrived... and I woke up in the hospital four days later. When I said you saved me earlier I meant it. Your phone call stopped me before I went too far.”

I can't get out any words. Knowing how close I had come to losing my best friend, my rock. The tears won't stop coming. Even though he is right here in front of me. He wraps his arms around me and holds me as I continue to cry into his chest, we stay like this for a few minutes.

After we let go, I lean down to pick up the bracelets off the floor. What I thought was only 4, underneath the dark colours of the black and blues is one more that is more worn than the others. A very faded red, a single letter on it. In a faint blue is the letter S.

MC: “That was the first one I bought. To hide this. To remind myself why I'm alive. For who I have to live for. I love you, Sayori.”

He tilts my head up gently to look at him. Both of our eyes red and bloodshot from how much crying has just happened. Yet I still get butterflies everytime he does this, even in a situation like this.

MC: “I wish I had been strong enough to tell you then how I felt, what you did for me and what you mean to me. But I was too afraid. Afraid of how you would react when you saw them. That it would scare you away from me.”

What he is saying is exactly how I had felt for years. Hiding my depression away in case I lost that which meant most to me. Remembering how much it hurt when I told him, thinking I had just lost him completely doing so. Right now he must be afraid of the same thing. After putting the bracelets back on he then puts his shirt back on. We sit on the edge of the bed next to each other and I rest my head on his shoulder and place my hand on top of his.

S: “I love you too MC. Nothing you could do or say could push me away. Now more than ever. But promise me one thing.”

MC: “Anything.”

S: “No more. No more secrets, not from each other.”

I find myself tearing up again at the thought of what we could have lost, what keeping things from each other had almost cost us.

MC: “I promise.”

We lay down together, the way we normal would. With me resting my head on his chest listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat. It calms me more than ever. Each beat I can hear is like he is whispering into my ear. I'm. Still. Here. It makes me hold him that much tighter. I'm not going anywhere either. Its quiet for a few minutes, just the two of us holding each other. But there is one more question I need the answer to.

S: “Who else knows?”

MC: “Only Dr Aiza and now you know everything.”

S: “So when you showed Yuri?”

MC: “I only showed her my right arm. She was freaking out that I was able to guess why she was being so defensive about her arms. It's all I could think of doing to try to calm her down.”

S: “By showing her you had done it too?”

MC: “By showing her she wasn't alone. My reasoning for doing it at first was very like hers. I had to try and stop it before she went too far like I did.”

S: “You made her promise to stop?”

MC: “I didn't make her promise, but I did do my best to convince her nothing good ever comes of it. I think the message got through, I was the voice of experience she needed to hear instead of clueless judgement. She made the promise herself.”

S: “If she ever breaks that promise. I want you to show her.”

He looks at me quietly for a moment, trying to take in what I've just asked of him.

S: “If you have everything you need to stop someone who needs help, someone who is close to you. From doing what you did. You should do it, right?”

MC: “Alright. If she ever breaks her promise to stop. I will show her, but only if you are there too.”

The music MC had left playing had been continuing to cycle through things similar to what he had put on initially, suddenly changes to something incredibly loud and angry. Startling us both and making us sit up. He jumps to his feet and turns it off.

MC: “Sorry about that. I guess I need to make that playlist a bit longer.”

S: “Its probably about time we thought about what to have for dinner anyway. I'll go ask Natsuki.”

I check myself in the mirror on my way to the door, I've at least calmed down enough so you can't tell I've been crying. I stop to fix my hair and bow so they don't look as messy. As I step out the door I turn back into the room.

S: “Hey MC?”

MC: “Yeah?”

S: “Thank you. For showing me, for being here. You are my everything.”

A small smile appears on his face, he closes his eyes and nods in agreement.

MC: “The same goes for you. Thank you for pulling me back from the edge when I needed it.”

I smile back and turn to head down the hall. Knowing what has happened. I understand what Dr Aiza meant by sharing a bond. She didn't just mean the fact we had been childhood friends.

Despite all the crying, how much finding out hurt. I feel closer to him now than I ever have before.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Chapter 9**

He pulls his shirt up and over his head. First revealing his right arm, then his left as his shirt slides down his left arm and onto the floor. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath he places both his arms by his sides. Both of his forearms.. They are littered with small faint white lines... From his elbow to near his wrists... As he turns to face me. Its not just his forearms. While very few in number there are some of the faint white scars on his chest as well.

All of them change from the faint white lines I first laid eyes on to freshly open wounds, blood starts coming out of every single one of them, flowing down his chest, pouring down his arms and dripping from his hands onto the floor.

S: “This can't be happening...”

He doesn't reply, he just stands there. Smiling. Like he is enjoying what is happening to him. Looking down at his left wrist, it is also open beneath the bracelets, dyeing them all red as it flows much faster than all other wounds. The floor itself now becoming a large pool of red beneath him.

I'm doing everything I can to run to him. To help him stop the bleeding. But I can't move. My feet aren't touching the ground? Followed by a sudden familiar tightness around my neck.

MC: “I wish I had been strong enough to tell you then.”

I'm trying to scream. To him, For him. But no sound can escape. The now tear soaked noose is making sure of that.

MC: “No more secrets, right?”

He is just standing there, with an unnerving smirk on his face. Holding his arms out by his sides, forcing me to watch as he is dying right in front of me. Out of reach.

At that moment I spring awake screaming and clawing at the noose that isn't around my neck. I turn to look at him laying next to me, I've woken him by screaming. He sits upright immediately and hugs me. I bury my head into his chest sobbing as I try to shake off the tears brought on by what I've just seen.

MC: “You had it again didn't you?”

I can do nothing but nod softly against him.

MC: “It's alright. Neither of us are going anywhere. You're safe. I'm safe.”

  
I wish I could say what he showed me didn't bother me. That I accepted what I was being shown, thinking that in knowing we could move forward. The first 2 nights everything was normal, but since then. For the past 3 nights I've been woken by the same nightmare. The horrible thought of how close I came to losing him won't go away.

  
S: “Have you.. ever had a nightmare about that night..?”

At first he is quiet, which almost gives me all the answer I need.

MC: “Of course I have. More than a few times. I could have lost the single most important person in my life that night, but I don't get them as often anymore. Especially now that you are right here with me at night.”

S: “How do you make them stop..?”

MC: “Honestly. I haven't. I just remind myself that you are still here and it helps makes things better.”

He leans down and kisses my forehead. Which helps to calm me a little. He is right, Sayori. He's still here. That's what is important. Don't focus on the past. What he did to himself was over 2 years ago. Everything is how it should be right now.

_  
If he had of died back then, I would have followed him._

Stop it! Stop thinking like that! He didn't leave you. He is right here. Holding you in his arms.

_What if it had been the other way around? He would have been the one to find me. What do you think he would have done then? He just admitted to still being haunted by what he found._

All the more reason I need to make sure it never happens again. For both our sakes. We aren't just childhood friends anymore. I need to be stronger, if not for me, for him. Almost like he can sense the argument I've having with myself, he pulls me in closer and rubs his hand on my back. It's very soothing and helps me to relax a bit more.

  
MC: “Try to get some more sleep, yeah?”

S: “What about you?”

MC: “Don't worry about me, how about we sit like we did at the park? We both should be able to sleep like that.”

I move and sit across his lap and lay my head on his chest as he almost cradles me in his arms. Gently playing with my hair. Very few things make me feel this safe. This loved. It doesn't take long at all before I find myself drifting off.

We wake to the sound of his alarm, I reach over and silence it then fall back down to how I was sitting up against him. Looking into his eyes. My favourite thing to do every morning, shortly followed by a good morning kiss.

MC: “We should probably go get ready.”

S: “I'm fine here for now, thanks.”

MC: “Have it your way then.”

He moves his left arm so it goes under my knees and supports my back with his right. Lifting me, as he edges to the side of the bed then stands up. He can hear me make tired frustrated noises as I kick my feet to show that I did not want to get out of bed just yet. He walks over to the bathroom with me and opens the door, before its fully open I push it closed with my foot playfully. We do this a few times.

MC: “Really?”

S: “Yes.”

He spins me in his arms so that I'm facing him and to stop myself from falling to the floor I'm forced to wrap arms around his neck and my legs around his middle. I don't think he thought this through. Advantage, Sayori.

MC: “Now you can't push the door closed. Now we can get ready for school.”

S: “Wanna bet?”

Before he can respond I pull him into a passionate kiss, catching him completely off guard. After the initial surprise he starts reciprocating. I have no need to push the door closed anymore as I'm currently being held up against it. We break for a small pause, both of us breathing slightly heavier. He walks me back over to the bed and I use my legs that are still wrapped around him to pull him down too. Laying face to face staring into each others eyes, we then fall back into passionately kissing. Much more vigorously than before.

Breaking again, the air itself becomes intoxicating. Our breathing becomes even sharper, we both want more. We both need more. Of each other, of all of this. It's finally here. The moment I've been waiting for. I don't think I've ever seen two people get undressed in such a frenzy. He wasn't sure about taking his shirt off, given what it was hiding. But I didn't care, I ripped that thing off him before he could protest.

He starts by gently kissing down my neck, down towards my chest. His lips do not keep up with his hands. By the time he reaches my chest his hands are already hard at work on me below.  
  
  


**20 Minutes later.**

  
  
I don't care if by other peoples standards it was sloppy, or if they thought it could have been better in places. For our first time together I couldn't care less. It was exactly what I wanted it to be. What I needed it to be. With who I had dreamed of it being with for longer than I care to admit.

After we both shower and dress for school, we make our way downstairs to see Natsuki putting away her plate she used for breakfast, with ours sitting ready on the table.  
  


N: “Morning, you guys are running late this morning.”

MC: “Yeah, sorry we had a hard time getting up this morning. I mean getting out of bed this morning.”

N: “Well the second part is true, the first part it sounded like you managed just fine with.”

Oh god no. Please tell me she didn't...

N: “And you. Madame, really need to work on not being so frickin' loud. I get it, you were having fun. But I'm surprised your dad hasn't come over from next door to kill MC yet.”

S: “eheheheh... Natsuki, please don't tell the others” I find myself pressing my fingertips together nervously.

N: “I don't need to tell them.”

MC: “Please tell me you haven't...”

  
I look at my phone and to my horror the literature club group chat has exploded with congratulation messages and jokes about MC and I.

N: “I decided to be nice this morning. I gave you both extra eggs and bacon after your little work out. I hope you appreciate it, because I know I morning wood.”

She can't help but giggle at her own joke, I roll my eyes at her remark, MC just scowls at her.

MC: “Remind me, why do I let you stay here again?”

N: “Because someone needs to keep an eye and ear on you two. But then again that won't be too hard if..”

MC: “I hate you sometimes.”

N: “Right back at ya, doofus.”  
  


Since Natsuki moved in, the two of them have developed an almost sibling like relationship. Seeing as they were both from single child families, it was kinda sweet to see them like this. If they weren't making jokes at each others expense, they were arguing. Given how they are both as stubborn as the other, those arguments could last days. But it gave the place a strange feeling of being a home. Almost like being a family.

Home... I guess I really do live here now.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Chapter 10**

**  
Start of the summer break**

Its been a few weeks since the joint session with Dr Aiza, she helped try to make sense of the nightmares. That it was residual guilt from feeling like I should have done more at the time. I still get them, but like MC said they had for him, they are becoming less frequent and less extreme. But still very much there.

We also told her about our first time together. I felt like I was going to get told off like a child after it, but surprisingly she actually encouraged it. Said it works well to help with depression due to what she called natural neurochemical changes in the body brought on by sex. Not that either of us minded, it just gave us more of an excuse that we already didn't need.

Its a relatively cool afternoon, we've all gathered at MC's in the back garden to try and make some plans of what to do during our time off school. It's quite nice to see people outside of their school uniforms more often. Yuri is wearing one of her usual jumpers, this time in a dark blue. She doesn't seem too fond of wearing bright colours.

Monika on the other hand seems to make just about anything work. Light blue jeans with an orange t-shirt, with an open front light grey zip up hoody. With all the people she knows from her previous club activities, I still find myself wondering why she chooses to spend time with us instead of more popular people. But also very grateful she does. Despite the early jokes, she has been one of the most supportive people when it comes to MC and myself. Natsuki is currently finding what she likes, having the freedom to buy whatever clothes she likes now. Today looks like her lazy day, black sweatpants and a baby blue ¾ length sleeved t-shirt. I never really thought much about what MC was wearing until both Monika and Yuri seemed to make a big deal over it.

  
M: “Is that a Witcher hoody?”

MC: “Huh? Ah, yeah it is. I got it with the collectors edition of Assassins of Kings.”

Y: “I thought I recognised the image, but didn't want to say. I've read all 5 of the books. I love the design of the wolf. I didn't know you could get it on clothes.”

MC: “I got this with the newest one.”

  
He pulls out a chain from around his neck, revealing the same logo as his top on the end of it. Both Monika and Yuri are staring at it looking a little jealous. Yuri reading the books doesn't surprise me in the slightest, but I never had Monika down as someone who would play many video games.

  
M: “Did you guys know that in other parts of the world, the school year starts in September or late August, not April? The summer holidays normally mean the school year is over.”

MC: “That kinda makes sense.”

Y: “It seems a little more practical to use the biggest gap to signal the end of the school year.”

MC: “So does anyone have any ideas of what they want to do?”

N: “Well it seems you and Sayori have plenty of...”

MC: “Can you not?”

N: “That depends, can you two?”

MC: “Everyday, every single damn day its the same thing”

N: “Funny that, that's exactly what I was thinking.”

MC: “Can you please give it a rest.”

N: “Only if you do. I mean look at the poor girl, she's tired.”

  
At this stage I look around at Monika and Yuri, I can see Yuri's mouth twitching where she wants to laugh but is trying her hardest to keep her composure. Monika on the other hand is choking on her drink from what Natsuki has said. Natsuki and MC are basically eye to eye glaring at each other, we really need to make some plans or one of them is definitely going to kill the other.

  
MC: “Wait, hang on let me make this a little more fair.”

  
He squats a little so that he and Natsuki are level and almost butting their heads together. The look on her face when he does this, If looks could kill I'm pretty sure everyone within a 3 mile radius would have gone instantly. She follows this up by punching him squarely in the gut. Causing him to recoil and almost bang their heads together.

  
N: “Oops, my hand slipped.”

Y: “Natsuki!”

N: “He started it!”

M: “I don't think he did Nats.”

MC: “I'd say that was a low blow. But that's a given.”  
  


The last comment makes her hit what I can only describe as critical mass. Letting out a small angry growl, she goes to lunge at MC, If it wasn't for Monika and Yuri leaping off their chairs and grabbing an arm each and pulling her back to stop her, she almost looks like she is getting the better of them, until they lift her feet off the ground.

  
N: “LET. ME. GO.”

M: “Only if you promise to calm down.”

Y: “Don't give it if you can't receive it, Natsuki.”

  
Seeing that she isn't going to get to attack him now that the others have stopped her, she sighs loudly and stops flailing.

N: “Hmph, I'll deal with you later. Dummy. This isn't over.”

  
Once everyone has sat back down, despite MC and Natsuki remaining in an angry staring contest, we try to get back to figuring out how we want to spend our summertime. Flicking through endless amounts of day trip leaflets Monika and Yuri picked up from the train station on their way over here. So many different things to pick from, old temples, nature stuff. But two catch my eye more than all the others, with both of them being quite close together, we could probably see both of them in one trip.

  
S: “Is.. IS THIS BUILDING A GIANT CHOCOLATE BAR?!”

  
Everyone looks up at me. That's not really a sentence you hear everyday, it certainly captured their attention. I can't help but feel a little embarrassed, maybe I got a little too excited about it? I place the leaflet down in the middle of the table and start to push my fingers together as I start to blush.

  
S: “It looks kinda cool, you can do a tour and everything!”

Y: “Oh that's one of the Meiji chocolate factories, that one is in Osaka, right?”

M: “That's half a day away on trains. We could do that.”

MC: “I'm sure I can find somewhere for us to stay overnight easily enough.”

M: “I could help chip in for that if need be.”

MC: “One or even a couple of nights isn't going to be that bad, I can sort that.”

M: “Quite the gentleman you have here, Sayori.”

S: “He has his moments.” I find him looking at me as I say this, in return I throw him a wink.

N: “Offering to find us somewhere to stay, bet it'll 'only have one bed', Pervert.”

MC: “Never heard of house renting then have you? Don't worry I'll make sure it has accommodation for our yappy little dog as well.”

Natsuki jumps to her feet and slams her hands on the garden table.

N: “Say that again, I dare you.”

S: “Can the two of you PLEASE stop fighting for 5 minutes!”

  
The sound of me shouting a little seems to snap the two of them out of it and they sit back down, I don't like to raise my voice. But unless we are actually doing something to keep the two of them occupied, even something as simple as watching TV. This is how it always seems to end up.

  
S: “We could make a few days of it if you like. This is nearby too.”

I place the second leaflet I chose on the table, Its for a nearby zoo. It's one MC and I went to with his dad and my parents when we were both 11 years old. One of the pictures of us I love most is from there. Its one that rotates in my photo frame, which I've brought with me and placed in what I guess you could now call our bedroom. Of him giving me a piggy back, looking back at me, while I point over his shoulder. I'd love to retake that photo of us doing the same thing if we go.

Glancing over the two leaflets, everyone seems to be on board with my suggestions, MC is already slouching on his chair with his legs up on the nearby wall, phone in hand flicking through potential places to stay in the area. All this time fending for himself for the last 3 years have made him pretty resourceful, this is easily something we could ask my parents for help planning but he wouldn't have it any other way. It doesn't take him long at all to find 3 places and suggest several dates.

  
MC: “I think I like this one the most, It barely costs anything more for 3 nights than it does 2, it has 4 bedrooms, all connected by one outside balcony, its own garden and Natsuki look, its says pets welc...”

N: “I am going to take that phone off you and shove it up your...”

S: “Ugh. We get it. I'm going inside to get the stuff for the barbecue, Yuri, MC can you give me a hand?”

Y: “Me? Sure.”

  
They both follow me inside. Yuri starts by taking some of the meat and other bits out of the fridge, MC starts to fill up a pitcher with some ice, then takes a small container out of a cupboard and begins putting some spoonfuls of the powder into the pitcher. The design of the container seems to catch Yuri's attention.

  
Y: “MC, What is that stuff?”

MC: “It's flavoured fruit teas you can make by dissolving it in water, hot or cold.”

He now has her attention more than ever after mentioning the magic word, Tea.

Y: “I've never seen tea like this before, where is it from?”

MC: “It's stuff my dad used to order in from a company from England, I found one at the back of the cupboard a few months back and ordered some new ones. It had been a while since I had them.”

S: “You'll love them Yuri, they do so many different flavours!”

After closing the container, he slides it along the counter to Yuri, who picks it up and begins reading it intently. That girl can take interest in reading anything, but it certainly doesn't take her long to read the whole thing.

Y: “Lychee and Mango? Sounds delightful. Oh I have heard of this company! I didn't know you could order things from them online.”

S: “While we are all here. Yuri, he told and showed me.. them.”

  
The mood in the kitchen suddenly shifts, from a happy mood to a tense uncomfortable one. Everyone picking what they are going to say next with extreme caution. This isn't a topic I wanted to be bringing up today, but it's very rare we get moments of just the 3 of us, not since Natsuki has been living here too.

  
Y: “I..I see. How.. How did you take it..?”

S: “Not brilliantly, there was a lot of crying. You didn't know it was both arms and his chest, did you?”

Y: “He only showed me his right arm.. But.. I guessed as much about the left.. If you do it a lot.. you end up needing to use both.. your chest as well? MC how much did you actually do?”

MC: “Too much, do we really need to talk about this now..?”

S: “Yes, We do. Yuri, how have you been doing? I've been a little worried about you since I saw them.”

Y: “Ah... I'm.. doing okay.. I haven't done it since the time I mentioned before..”

I can hear MC breath a sigh of relief, knowing he doesn't have to show her it. It was hard enough for him to show me. Remembering the night he showed me still makes me shiver a little.

MC: “Do you still need bandages on them? I can help change them if you like.”

Y: “That would be nice.. I do still use them... but I... probably don't need all of them covered anymore..”

MC and Yuri head to the bathroom to change her bandages. I continue to put bits and pieces for the table on a couple of trays ready to be taken out. It doesn't take long before they are both back and helping again. MC reaches into drawer and pulls out an unopened apron, it's still in its plastic wrapper. Did he buy this just for today? He throws it over to me lazily, I manage to just about catch it.

MC: “If you are going to insist on me teaching you how to cook things out there, you need that.”

  
Opening the wrapper and unfolding the apron, Its a light blue apron with large white text on the front saying 'BEST GRIL'.

  
S: “Isn't grill meant to have two L's?

MC: “Swap the R and the I.”

S: “oh. OH! I get it!”

I can't help but blush slightly and hug him, then turn around so he can tie the apron string behind me. As he finishes tying the string, he puts both his arms around my middle and hugs me. Kissing the back of my neck before whispering in my ear.

MC: “It's true though. You really are the best girl.”

  
I can't stop a beaming smile from appearing. I spin around in his arms and put mine around the back of his neck. An all too familiar scene these days, the two of us being face to face, and yet I wouldn't change it for the world.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Chapter 11**

With the awkward conversation out of the way, we continue to gather things to bring outside.

MC: “So we have 3 different types of skewers, beef, chicken and tiger prawns . I also made some burgers from scratch last night because Sayori insisted on it.”

S: “Ehehe I like all the different types of barbecue food.”

MC: “Did you get the bread rolls and cheese like I asked?”

S: “Of course I did! You can't have a burger without them!”

Y: “What about Monika? She's a vegetarian remember?”

MC: “I know I know, I have a solid heat plate I can put on the grill to stir fry her some stuff. Just in case she wants her rabbit food cooked.”

S: “I told you last night, stop being a meanie and calling it rabbit food! When I got the rolls I got her some Hal.. Haloo..?”

MC: “Halloumi”

S: “Yeah that. They had those shaped like burgers too.”

Y: “I think we're all set then.”

  
We carry the trays outside, setting them on the table. MC begins moving the plates of food over to the grill which is heating up. Monika seems to be inspecting what we have for her, she seems to be relatively happy with the selection. Picking up the Halloumi burgers and reading the packet.

  
M: “I've not seen it prepared like this before, who picked these up?”

S: “I did! I thought you might like them, seeing as the rest of us have stuff like this I didn't want you to feel left out.”

M: “They look great! I look forward to them. That's really thoughtful of you, thank you Sayori! Nice apron by the way”

  
I give her a wide smile, I'm really happy she liked the idea. Picking up the last of the bits we need I skip over to the grill next to MC. Looking around, he seems to have two buckets next to the grill, one with water and another half full of sand. He is busy attaching the plate over one of the side parts of the grill. Once he has finished he puts his arm around me and slowly moves me in front of him.

  
S: “I thought I was going to watch you cook the stuff?”

MC: “Nope, you my dear are going to learn by doing. I'm going to be right here.”

S: “Are you sure? I don't want to make everyone sick.”

MC: “I'm going to be right here Sayori. I'll step in only if I need to.”

  
We stand together and start to cook the first lot of things, MC sticks to his word and only advises me, getting me to turn and move things if they need it, teaching me what to keep an eye out for. He places two of the halloumi burgers on a raised up shelf above all the other items. Its the first thing he has to stop me with. I went to turn them after a while but he stopped me and handed me a clean pair of tongs. Telling me to use them only for the vegetarian stuff.

He starts to fry up a small amount of different vegetables on the hot plate, onions, peppers, mushrooms and a small pile of bok choy that he has put garlic chips and seasoning on. Its not long before the first load of food is ready to go. Plating things up for everyone to take what they want, we then start loading up the grill with the next round of food.

  
S: “So these little skewers take about 10 minutes?”

MC: “Yeah that's right, you just need to turn them every now and again.”

S: “So if I put it closer to the heat, it'll cook faster?”

MC: “No Sayori don't do that, if you do that the stick catches...”

  
Too late.

  
S: “It's on fire! What do I do?!”

I start waving it around trying to put out the stick, but it won't go out. Almost catching him with it multiple times. It kind of reminds me of one of those sparklers you used to get at Halloween as a kid. Spinning them around trying to trace out the letters of your name.

  
MC: “What are you doing?! Stop waving it around like crazy! “

S: “Awawa what am I meant to do?!”

MC: “Put it in the bucket!

S: “Which bucket?! There are two!!”

MC: “It doesn't matter which one!”

  
I throw it into the water bucket and turn to face him as I can hear the hiss of the stick being put out. Behind him I can see the others staring, looking half confused as to what just went on and half trying not to laugh. My face is bright red and I feel a bit stupid for waving the flaming skewer around. He can see that I'm feeling bad about what just happened. He places both hands on my cheeks and kisses my forehead.

  
MC: “It's okay, its only one thing. Everything else is alright, see? I told you it would be learning by doing. Don't be upset Sayori, remember, you're my best gril, right?

I can't help but laugh a little bit as he says it like that. We get back to tending the remaining food. Again with him guiding me but I'm doing all the actual work. It isn't that difficult, but I'm still learning how often I need to move things. Almost 10 minutes later, everything is ready to go to the table. We plate up and join the others eating.

  
MC: “How's your stuff Monika? Can't say I've ever done it that way before.”

M: “It's great! It turned out really well. The Halloumi burgers were also delicious, good call Sayori.”

Y: “Everything is cooked really well, good job both of you.”

N: “Yeah good job Sayori.”

  
Natsuki then turns to MC and just silently glares at him. Thankfully he doesn't take the bait and ignores her. He's far too busy concentrating on making a massively over stacked burger, taking several of the things off skewers to add to it.

As we eat we decide on what date suits us best for our trip, agreeing on going during the week to avoid crowds of families waiting for the weekend. Yuri seems a bit nervous going somewhere with so many people, we kept having to reassure her that unless inside the place we are staying we are going to be together at all times.

  
MC: “I'm going to make a refill on the fruit tea. Seeing as you drank over half of it, Yuri.”

Y: “I'll come too, you can show me what other flavours they make”

  
The two of them disappear into the kitchen. I glance over after a minute and they have multiple different containers of instant tea in front of them, they aren't paying any attention to them at all. They seem to be talking about something else entirely. Yuri almost looks scared. While MC looks a little surprised. I get up to join them in kitchen, leaving Monika and Natsuki to continue talking about clothes.

  
Y: “Does it ever go away? I want you to be honest with me MC”

MC: “ I can't give you a yes or no to that. Everyone is different Yuri. It gets easier to deal with. A lot of the time it will feel like it's gone.”

Y: “You didn't say it goes away...”

MC: “Because for me it hasn't. The moment anything bad happens, and I mean really bad. They come back. But it's still easier to deal with when you haven't been doing it. I haven't in over 2 years.”

Y: “How have you fought against it for so long?”

S: “Show her.”

MC turns to look at me, eyes wide. He had no idea I was in here with them. He begins to shake his head side to side.

S: “You said to me you had been able to deal with it because you had a reminder of why you don't. She just asked you how you deal with it. Show her it.”

Y: “What does she mean MC?”

  
I really don't like being this forceful about it, but if this can help her, he has to do it. He closes his eyes and grits his teeth, he knows I'm right.

S: “I'm sorry to push you into this MC, but after hearing that, she needs to know why.”

Without opening his eyes, he rolls his sleeve up partially and moves the bracelets up to the palm of his hand. Turning his arm slowly to face Yuri. Her face drops. She reaches out and grabs his hand and inspects his wrist in shock.

Y: “What did you do...”

MC: “This is what happens when you go too far, Yuri. I'm not going to go into the details, lets just leave it at I'm very lucky to be here right now. I had been in a bad place. As Sayori said, this is my reminder. This is why I don't. I can't go down that road again.”

  
He takes his wrist away from her and covers it over again. Folding down his sleeve after. Without saying a word he begins making up another pitcher of instant tea. He's not happy about what just happened. I walk over and place my arms around one of his, resting my head on it and looking up a him. He pauses what he is doing for a few seconds, closing his eyes and taking a long slow deep breath.

  
Y: “I'll... wait for you both outside..”

She can sense that things aren't alright. Taking the now refilled pitcher outside, Yuri closes the door over behind her. There are a few seconds of uncomfortable silence before he turns to speak to me.

  
MC: “Why did you do that.”

S: “You heard what she was saying, It sounded like she was struggling with it.”

MC: “She hadn't done anything.”

S: “So we were just meant to wait for her to harm herself again? You know as well as I do that was the right thing for her.”

MC: “For her yes. I'd agree there.”

S: “But not you...”

MC: “It was hard enough for me to show you. You of all people it should have been easier to show than anyone else.”

He again lets out a long drawn out sigh.

MC: “At least it's done now. Hopefully that should be enough to stop her from doing anything.”

S: “You told me that it wasn't who you were anymore. But just then.. You said that it comes back when bad things happen.. Since you stopped me that night.. You haven't done it have you?”

MC: “You've seen yourself that I haven't. But.. I'll admit there have been a couple of times, especially when the nightmares first started that I've been close.”

It feels like there is a huge lump stuck in my throat. Making it difficult to breathe properly. But I need to push forward with this. I need to know.

S: “How close exactly?”

  
He turns and walks to his room, I follow him up the stairs. As I enter the room he is standing by his desk, the same desk I've woken up and seen him sitting at during the night. When he knows I'm watching, he moves a book that is laying on the back corner of the desk, along with what looks like part to the top of the table. From the small hidden compartment he lifts out a small intricate handle. As he sets it down on the table top, he presses a small indent on the side, which at first glance just looked like part of the design. In an instant a small but extremely sharp looking blade springs out from inside the handle.

  
S: “How long have you had that for?”

He doesn't reply, he is just staring at it, like he is ashamed of having it. Walking over to him I grab hold of his wrist. I don't know if I should be more upset or angry right now.

S: “Did you use that to do this?!”

He looks away from me but slowly nods his head.

S: “Why.. Why would you keep this?!

MC: “I've been meaning to get rid of it for a while now...”

S: “I said no more secrets... You promised me no more.. All those nights you were sitting here. Did you have this in your hands?”

MC: “Only when the nightmares first started..”

S: “I want you to get rid of it. Now. I.. I can't sleep in the same room as that thing... knowing what you did to yourself with it.”

MC: “I will..”

S: “I mean it, its collection day for the trash tomorrow. Go put it in a bag and hide it in one of the bins, right now.”

  
He puts the blade away and picks it up, I follow him downstairs and watch his every movement. As he wraps the handle in a small bag and heads out the front door. He walks to one of the bins in the alley nearby and drops it down the side of it, so it falls all the way to the bottom. He seems to breathe a sigh of relief after doing so.

  
MC: “Thank you.”

S: “For what?”

MC: “I should have done that years ago, thank you for making me do that.”

As he walks back towards me, I place both my hands on his cheeks and look him in the eyes.

S: “Only forward from here. Yeah?”

MC: “Yeah.”

S: “Lets get back to the others.”

  
We make our way back to the others, I'm hoping they don't ask what took so long. We find the 3 of them giggling to each other as we arrive at the table. MC lifts up the already empty again pitcher. Looking up at the 3 of them, Monika and Natsuki are pointing at Yuri.

  
MC: “I'm beginning to think you have a Tea problem Yuri.”

Y: “I didn't drink that much of it! Only 2 and a bit glasses.”

MC: “Yuri, yours is a pint glass. 2 of these glasses is over half the pitcher.”

N: “Seriously, how did you not notice how much was missing after you poured it?”

M: “We did try to tell you this.”

Y: “It was very moreish...”

MC: “Well I think we need to switch you to the half pint glasses.”

Y: “What? Why?!”

Please don't tell me he's going to say what I think he is...

MC: “Half pints aren't so bad Yuri, One even made my breakfast this morning.”

  
Well that didn't take long. Natsuki stands up slowly and silently, eyes burning and fixated on MC as he walks back inside to make yet another refill. She walks into the kitchen slowly, instead of charging in like she normally does. Maybe this won't be so bad?

Or not.

I can hear MC yelling about why she punched him, and now they are shouting at each other. I really, REALLY hope they aren't like this while we are away.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Chapter 12**

  
The week seems to fly by, before we know it the five of us are meeting at the train station with a backpack each, with MC carrying an extra bag of stuff Natsuki and I couldn't fit in our own bags. The three of us are the first to arrive, the station is pretty quiet, with the morning commuters all being in work already.

  
MC: “Remind me why I'm the one carrying the extra bag with exactly none of my stuff in it.?”

S: “Because you're a gentleman and you love me.”

N: “Stop whining and be a good pack mule.”

  
Before he gets a chance to snap at the obvious bait Natsuki has laid out, Monika arrives, followed behind by Yuri, who seems to have a small book bag with her as well as her backpack. Which seems to be slowing her down by throwing her balance off. How many books does someone need for 3 nights?

Before she has a chance to say anything, Natsuki takes the book bag from her and ties it to the extra bag MC is holding.

  
MC: “Seriously?”

N: “Yes, now be a good pack mule and shut up.”

Whatever obscenities MC then hurls at Natsuki are drown out by a train passing through the central tracks of the station at high speed.

Y: “I don't mind carry the books if its a problem...”

N: “Its not a problem Yuri, at least not for you. MC just needs to deal with it.”

M: “Sorry we're late, I had to stop off and get my fix.” She holds up a large iced latte while smiling.

S: “Its fine, our train isn't due for another 7 minutes.”

  
Boarding the train, we put our bags above our seats on the overhead storage. Apart from us the carriage is empty, which by the looks of it is helping Yuri relax. She really doesn't do well in busy places. MC takes one of the seats next to the window, which causes yet another problem.

  
N: “Move.”

MC: “What?”

N: “I said move. I want the window.”

MC: “Sit there, its at the window too.”

N: “Uhh no? Then I'm going backwards.”

MC: “This sounds a whole lot like not my problem?”

N: “Its about to be all your problem if you don't move.”

S: “The train hasn't even started moving yet! Can we please try to get through the next few hours without this please?!”

MC: “But I'm not even doing anything!”

N: “That's the problem, Move genius.”

S: “MC just swap seats with her and end this.”

M: “So Sayori, how is parenthood treating you?”

S: “Awful, they won't stop bickering over nothing.”

MC and Natsuki turn to face me with a slightly confused look on both of their faces as they are swapping seats. Monika and Yuri begin giggling at the idea of me having to act like a parent when dealing with the two of them.

  
Mercifully the rest of the journey is argument free, mostly because the first time the two of them were about to start I threw a pair of headphones to MC. He can't argue with her if he isn't listening to her after all. It also gave the four of us to have some much needed girl talk without him listening in. Which is quite nice up until the topic shifts to our relationship.

  
M: “If you could change any one thing about him. Just one, what would it be.”

S: “His music taste.”

Y: “You didn't even need to stop and think there.”

N: “That's because its really that bad.”

M: “It can't be that bad, Hey MC what are you listening to?” she says nudging him and signalling him to unplug the headphones.

He looks up, making sure we are still the only ones in the carriage and unplugs his headphones, pressing play on his phone as he does. It's not one I've heard him listen to before, its seems to be a long drawn out introduction, building up to the actual song.

_  
It's like I'm daydreaming at night and sleepwalking at day_

_I can't find my pace nor the strength to stay_

_You always said I should be open, honest and sincere_

_I guess this is a start_

_So for the next 40 minutes, I will speak from the heart_

_And the truth is, maybe I don't deserve to be happy_

As the song begins and things start to get louder, he pauses it again and looks around at the four faces staring at him in a mixture of legitimate concern and shock.

  
MC: “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

M: “That's... certainly not what I was expecting.”

Y: “Is all the music you listen to like that song?”

N: “You mean depressing as hell? Yes nearly all of it is.”

MC: “Mainstream pop trash is what I find depressing, not stuff like this.”

S: “You can put your headphones back in hun. You proved my point.”

MC: “I've done what now?”

S: “I'll tell you later.”

  
Shrugging, he plugs the headphones back in and goes back to staring out the window. We wait a moment for him to zone out while listening to his music before we go back to our girl talk. A few hours later and our train is about 5 minutes away from our stop. Looking over at Natsuki she seems to be giggling to herself about something, which hasn't gone unnoticed, even by MC who is turning off his music and putting away the headphones. The angle she is holding her phone, it looks like she may have been taking pictures of him.

  
MC: “What are you laughing abou...YOU'D BETTER NOT BE.”

N: “Or what?”

MC: “You better not be taking pictures of me, that's creepy and weird.”

N: “Oh its much better than that.”

  
She goes back to pressing some buttons on her phone, within about 10 seconds everyone's phone has gone off at once. We all look at our phones at the same time, five images received in the group chat. It doesn't take long at all and the four of us are borderline crying with laughter, MC on the other hand looks like he is about to go nuclear.

  
MC: “You...This... I'm going to get you back for this. Ten fold.”

S: “Relax sweetie, you make a pretty cute kitty cat and walrus.”

M: “And a bunny.”

Y: “And a lamb.”

N: “But a pretty ugly Racoon.”

MC: “You think this is funny? I hate those stupid filters! Why are they even a thing?!”

  
Arriving at the station we all start getting our bags down, MC clearly forgetting about the book bag when lifting one of our bags. As it lands on his head before stopping. Keeping his eyes closed from the impact, he takes a long slow deep breath to try and calm down. Yuri seems to feel bad about it starts apologizing constantly while trying to see if he is okay, but he just laughs it off.

We share a taxi to the place we are staying, Its a 20 minute drive from the station. Arriving there we are greeted by the owner, MC shows him all the normal booking arrangements and he begins to show us around the house. Letting us know where all the essentials are before leaving us to look around by ourselves.

  
N: “This place is huge!”

MC: “Everything's huge to you.”

  
Just as Natsuki punches him in the arm for what is probably the 17th time this week. Monika and Yuri join us after putting their bags in their rooms.

  
M: “Are you sure you don't want us to help chip in for this place MC? Natsuki is right its a pretty big house.”

MC: “Nah its fine. You guys cover the transport to and from the tour tomorrow or food tonight and we'll call it even.”

S: “I fancy Pizza tonight.”

Y: “We passed a place on the way here. It couldn't be much more than a 5 minute walk from here, but the sign said they delivered too.”

N: “I don't really feel like waiting for everyone to get cleaned up to go out. Ordering in is just so much simpler.”

  
The place Yuri mentioned had a website we could use for ordering online, we spend quite a bit of time arguing over toppings, until MC points out that we are ordering enough to get a pizza each if we do one of the party deals. He might not seem it at first, or when we are in school, at all. But he can be pretty savvy when he wants to be. Listening to him as he places the order, he makes it seem so easy. That might sound stupid to anyone else, but he isn't stumbling over his words, or having to ask people are they sure that's what they want. The last time I tried to order us food, I got confused and hung up on the place before telling them the address.

He glances over to me, I can't help but shoot him back the puppy dog eyes. He knows what I want. Say those magic words you know I want to hear. He smiles back at me and playfully rolls his eyes.

MC: “Can you add cheese stuffed crust to all of them? And some extra dips.”

Aww yeah. Perfection.

**  
  
Later that night**

  
  
Checking my phone, its 2.39am. I find myself struggling to fall back to sleep. Thankfully it wasn't a nightmare that woke me. I guess it's just the change of scenery making it a little harder to drift off. I get out of bed to get a drink. Stopping and looking back at MC as I'm about to step through the door to our en suite, seeing him sleep makes me feel at ease. He is now finally comfortable enough about things that he doesn't sleep with a shirt on like he did when we first got together. He does still sometimes try to keep his arms hidden by the bed covers though, or if he is laying with his arm around my middle like we just had been, he keeps his arm close to me so that I can't look at it without moving. It doesn't bother me though, after all, it's him. Just Him, My MC. That's all that matters.

Getting back into bed, doing everything I can not to wake him. I edge closer to him until I can place his arm around my middle again. Apart from when I'm laying listening to his heartbeat, being the little spoon is my favourite way to lay together. It makes me feel so safe. Settling down into my pillow, I close my eyes. Taking the the silence of the room.

  
S: “Haaah.”

I guess I wasn't as careful getting back into bed as I thought, he is awake. That involuntary noise brought on by his fingertips delicately skating across my skin after he tucked his hand under my shirt.

Tracing small circle patterns across me, leaving me guessing and waiting as to what he is going to do next. This might seem strange to other people, but not to me. I don't know if its the fact we have so much history together, or if he is just a quick learner. But in our time together like this, it didn't take him long at all to figure me out. He knows exactly what buttons to press and when.

His hand still dancing around my middle, they brush downwards as he begins kissing the back of my neck. The downside of having hair as short as mine is I have absolutely no guard against this and he knows it. In a passing motion several fingertips slide briefly under my panties, before continuing in their teasing circular motion. I shake myself against him to vent my displeasure at being made to wait.

He rolls me onto my back and I turn to look at him, his eyes as gentle as his touch. In one motion he tuck his finger under one side of my panties and slowly lowers them, I do the same on the other side. Before long I'm flicking them off my ankle. He disappears under the covers and begins kissing my middle, I go to unclasp my bra thinking that is where he is going with this. But he begins going down instead. Before long he arrives down there. Pausing. He knows I hate being made to wait, using this to his full advantage. I place a hand on the back of his head trying to encourage him but he isn't budging.

  
After what feels like an eternity, I find myself breathing in sharply as he begins, everything tenses up, from my toes all the way to my head. My hand on the back of his head clenching and gripping a handful of hair. Covering my mouth with my other arm, I can't help but bite it in an attempt to stay quiet.

This is new, and I could definitely get used to this happening more often.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Chapter 13**

I'm the last one awake, not really a surprise to anyone. Sitting up and looking around, MC is not in the room. I feel a slight breeze come in, I don't remember either of us opening a window? Turning my head I can see that our door onto the shared balcony is slightly open, and MC is slouching in a reclining chair with his feet up on the railing. By the looks of it he has headphones in, and is quietly singing along with what he is listening to. I don't think he realizes he is doing more than just mouthing along anymore. This is how I heard him the first time as well. He had completely zoned out and had no idea he was doing it.

As I lean out the balcony door, I can see Monika is already leaning out of her room onto the balcony, also listening to him. She glances up at me with a surprised and almost impressed look on her face.

_Was there something holding you back?_

_Have you had to cover your tracks so long._

_You lost your identity?_

_Is there something dragging you down._

_Crippled under the weight of the crown._

_What are you waiting, oh, what are you waiting for?_

_I'm reaching out please take my hand._

_The water is getting higher and I can't understand._

_Why I can't pull you in._

_Do you even care, do you even want me there?_

Wait... I know this song. He turns his head to look towards our room and sees me standing there. A smile appears across his face as he continues.

_For all of our differences._

_I always said I'd be there if you should come undone._

I may not care much for most of his taste in music, but those lyrics make my stomach flip every time I hear them. They bring me back to the first night we spent together at his. I can't help but smile back at him, blushing slightly. He doesn't know she is there as well.

M: “Awww, how sweet.”

Hearing a voice other than mine, MC almost drops his phone when pulling the headphones out of his ears. As he flicks his feet off of the railing, coming close to falling out of the chair. I was kind of hoping when I pushed him back into trying the music club at least 1 day a week, he would gain a bit more confidence in his own ability. He's not there yet it seems.

MC: “How long have you been stood there?”

M: “Longer than Sayori has. Where have you been hiding that talent?”

MC: “I.. umm..”

S: “He's always been able to do it, as far as I know. First time I heard him was the year before we started high school.”

MC: “I'm not that good. Its just something I do when I'm thinking.”

M: “Not that good? I'm sorry but you mustn't hear what the rest of us do.”

S: “I bet you are better than those two girls from the music club who basically followed you.”

MC: “I doubt it. They are used to performing in front of people, they even enjoy it. That's not really me.”

M: “Two girls? Is one of them Miko Aiza?”

Aiza? As in.. Oh... Oh no... I feel my chest tighten, am I worrying about this? After how she looked at MC and myself back then as he met me outside the therapists office, I could tell she liked him and really didn't like me. But there was more to it than that. Something about her seemed very off. Like she wasn't used to not being able to have what she wanted or not getting her own way.

I hadn't thought about it at all until now. Maybe it's just coincidence?

  
MC: “Aiza? Is she related to the school therapist?”

M: “Yes, she's her Daughter.”

  
It's easy to forget sometimes just how many people Monika actually knows. But right now after hearing what I was worried about being confirmed. I have a horrible feeling in my gut. What if she is in her mothers office and reads my file? Or His? She would know everything. About both attempts, how long we have been close for, that we have. After the last session, it wouldn't be difficult to trace one file to the other, if she reads one there is no way she wouldn't find the other.

Moving my eyes up from the ground, I notice Monika looking at me. She tilts her head slightly and widens her eyes, as if silently asking me what's wrong. She can tell what we've just been told has bothered me, and knowing her, in private later she will ask why.

Calm down Sayori. You are letting your mind run away by itself. Those files are locked away, and any copies on her laptop will be passworded. They have to be. If she does read those files it could cost her mother her job. It's nothing to worry about.

  
MC: “Hey Monika?”

M: “Yes?”

MC: “Can you please not say anything about hearing me to the others?”

M: “What do you have to be nervous about? You're very good you know.”

S: “I've been trying to tell him that for years.”

M: “Judging by how he looked to you as he did, MC would I be correct in guessing that Sayori is the only one you are comfortable performing in front of?”

MC: “I guess so? I mean I do bits and pieces when I'm at the music club, but its generally in the side rooms and not directly to or for anyone. But it's different when its Sayori. I don't feel nervous or like I'm being judged. Like it doesn't matter if its bad or not. But again please don't say anything to Natsuki or Yuri. Or anyone.”

M: “Wow you really are shy about this aren't you. Ahaha, alright I won't tell.”

  
I can feel my heart swell a little at what he just said. Even though part of why I pushed him into trying it again, hearing that I'm the only one he is comfortable to do that in front of makes me feel a little giddy. Only me. Maybe I should keep this one all to myself? Was it wrong of me to push him to rejoin the music club if he is really not comfortable doing it in front of others?

  
MC: “I don't really know how to describe it. Like if I were to go into a random karaoke place, I'd be fine as I wouldn't know anyone there and what they thought wouldn't be important to me. But when it's people I know? I kinda just freeze. Too worried about if it'll be good or not to even start.”

M: “Sounds like an anxiety problem. But then what makes it different about being in front of Sayori? Surely what she thinks is the most important, right?”

MC: “Well yeah. It is. For lack of a better way of putting it, Sayori is like my spot light when I do.”

S: “I'm your what?”

  
He turns to look at me again, showing me the smile I fell in love with. He isn't one of this wide toothy grin people like me. To those who don't know him it would just come across as a cocky half smile. But that's just how he is and always has been, and I wouldn't change it for anything.

  
MC: “She lights up the world around me, making me shine. Bringing out the best in me.”

I can feel the water slowly pooling in the sides of my eyes. I wasn't expecting something quite so poetic and sweet. Maybe this time spent in the literature club has done him some good.

M: “Awwww how precious you both are. MC I think Sayori is going to need a hug, and I don't mean from me.”

MC: “Huh? Oh... Sayori your.. Did I say something wrong..?”

As he stands up and hugs me, I dry my eyes on his shirt as I bury my head into his chest. He starts to run his fingers through the hair on the back of my head. Gently scratching as he does. I can feel it sending a tingling sensation down the back of my neck. Closing my eyes I tighten my grip around him.

S: “No you big softie, It was just right.”

M: “I'll leave you two alone, Natsuki might want some help in the kitchen. We should probably think about getting ready to go out soon too”

She shoots us both a smile as she disappears back inside her room.

**A few hours later.**

The tour was a lot of fun, we got plenty of goofy pictures of us as a group. Surprisingly even Yuri joined in for them. She really is slowly but surely coming out of her shell. At the end of the tour everyone received gift bags, each meant to contain random items, which we all agreed to open together when we got back to the house. We begin browsing the gift shop after the tour, they have types of bars you can only get while here. I wonder if he will be mad if I get a few more.. I'm sure he'll understand. He can't say no to little old me if I do the thing with my eyes.

We all start putting our stuff through together, when he isn't looking I put my stuff up and then pack them into a bag before he turns around. As he goes to pay he stops and looks at the price, saying nothing he pays then starts reading over the receipt. Turning his head slowly to look at the four of us. I can see from the corner of my eye that the others look a little confused.

MC: “I'd ask who bought 24. Yes you heard that right, 24 bars of chocolate. But I'm pretty sure I know who it was. Sayori.”

S: “But but but but, they had things you can only get here! And if I liked them I would have been sad only having one... so..”

MC: “So how many of each did you pick up?”

S: “Four... Stop making me feel bad! It's not everyday you visit a place like this!”

I push my bottom lip out a little, pressing my fingertips together and show him the saddest eyes I can muster. I can see him stalling, I slowly walk up to him and continue. Come on... any second now...

MC: “Okay fine, geez. Stop pouting.” He leans forward and kisses me on the forehead.

M: “Wow, that easily?”

Y: “Can you even say the word No to her, MC?”

N: “You have him trained well Sayori.”

S: “Ehehehe.”

MC: “Oh she will make it up to me, she just doesn't know how yet.”

M: “That's a bit forward of you, MC”

N: “Can't you wait until we aren't on vacation?”

S: “Well we already did so...”

N: “Seriously, Can you not? For a few days?

Yuri looks like she wants to say something but ends up just going red in the face due to the sudden turn the conversation has taken.

MC: “I never said it would be like that now did I? How dirty minded are you to think like that. Shame on you all”

After a short taxi ride back to the house. We all gather in the living room to open our gift bags. Everyone has gotten a random mixture of things, Natsuki got some bars of chocolate and a small chocolate cupcake plushie, Yuri got a few different bars, some try at home recipe books and a small chocolate quill pen that comes with a little pot of dark chocolate sauce for ink. Monika opening hers to find a small notebook that was made to look like a bar, the usual mixture of bars that the rest of us received and a gift voucher for online orders. MC on the other hand...

MC: “They gave me like 5 boxes of different type of Pocky, the guy even winked at me as he handed me the bag.”

M: “Maybe he thought we'd let you play the Pocky game with us all. Ahaha.”

MC: “What's the Pocky game?”

Y: “You don't know? Its when two people eat from the same stick, almost like a competition, but normally ends up with the two meeting in the middle for a kiss.”

N: “Every time you open your mouth I swear you get dumber MC.”

Please don't remember. Please don't remember. I can almost hear the cogs in his head grinding together unwillingly. His expression breaks, mouth partially opening and eyes widening. Followed by him slowly turning to face me after a few seconds. He remembers.

MC: “You tricked me into doing that when we were 14!”

S: “I don't know what you are talking about.”

MC: “Do you have any idea how many tests I failed in school because THAT was all I could focus on?”

N: “Wow and it only took you 4 years to do anything about it. How slow are you?”

M: “I'm with Natsuki on this one, how did it take either of you so long to make a move after that happened?”

Now that is a question that is too complicated to answer right now. The last few years hadn't been kind to him. Even more so than I ever realized now I know what he was hiding.

S: “It's... been a rough few years. Lets leave it at that.”

I can see the look of curiosity on their faces. But they seem to realize not to press for answers. After about 20 minutes of watching TV, I turn to look at him, he is eating a chocolate bar. Wait a second didn't he say they only gave him Pocky?

S: “Where did you get that?”

MC: “Oh this? This is the chocolate tax, and you had to pay it.” I can see my bag from the gift shop open next to him.

M: “Eating a girls chocolate? You're a brave one.”

Y: “Or he doesn't get it.”

MC: “Get what? I said she would make up for it didn't I? ”

Before he can ask any further questions, I've already marched over to him and grabbed him by the ear. He jumps to his feet making small noises.

MC: “Owwwww what gives?”

S: “You've made me angry and now you need to make it up to me.”

I began stomping towards our room, pulling him along behind me. On the way out of the room I grab a box of Pocky and bring it with us. Hopefully he can see where this is going.

MC: “Yes Ma'am!”

  
Good, it sounds like he does know where this is going. I can hear the others giggling in the room behind us, with the exception of Natsuki.

N: “One day without this, That's all I ask.”


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Chapter 14**

Again I'm woken by a slight breeze, He and I are going to have to have a little talk about closing doors and windows properly. Sitting up I take a drink from a bottle of water on the night stand on my side of the bed. Judging by the small gap between the door frame to the balcony and the curtains, it's very early morning, still dark outside. I notice that his phone and headphones are still on his night stand. Normally if he was going outside he wouldn't leave those behind.

Peering through the gap in the curtain covering the door from the bed, I can see him standing leaning on the railing. He only ever gets like this if something is bothering him. Before I get the chance to get out of bed to join him, I hear another door open further down the balcony.

  
N: “Couldn't sleep either?”

MC: “Something like that.”

N: “Anything you want to talk about?”

MC: “It's nothing, just a little distracted. That's all.”

N: “Okay, what's up? This isn't like you.”

MC: “Just what was said earlier. About not acting on things back then. I wanted to, I really did. But a lot happened not long after that. I know it wouldn't the right time for me, I could have screwed everything up with how I was.”

N: “Your talking about losing your dad, right?”

  
He's looking at his wrist. It might not look it from where Natsuki is standing. But I can see it, his left arm is twisted enough for him to be looking at it through his shirt. I watch his eyes shift from his sleeve to looking out over the darkened street below. Turning his arm back to rest it back down on the railing.

He isn't ready to tell her.

  
MC: “Yeah... I wasn't exactly in a great place for quite a while after that. Hell I'd probably still be in that place if Sayori hadn't dragged me to the club at the start of the school year. I spent years trying to keep others out of my problems by pushing them away, but she wouldn't give up on me.”

The two of them are stood in silence for a minute, Natsuki looking like she is searching for the right words. Several times she goes to speak but stops herself. Finding what she wants to say, she is the first to speak again.

N: “I kinda know how you feel... I lost my mother when I was 8. It's what caused the change in my dad... We used to be a normal family.. Do normal family things.. Take vacations just like this.. Any and every friend I had then he slowly drove away.. I hated that feeling of isolation, of being alone when I could do nothing about it.”

  
I can hear the pain in her voice. I feel like I'm tearing up as well. I just want to run out there and give her tight hug. But I can't spoil this moment, this is the first time she has opened up to either of us properly. Going out there might stop her, she needs to get these things off her chest. To know she isn't in this alone anymore.

Continuing to watch, she has walked over next to him and his hugging him. Trying not to cry into his shirt. He looks a little surprised at what's going on at first, but eventually puts an arm around her to comfort her. This is the first time I've seen him hug somebody else in quite a while. Deep down there is a very small nagging part of me that hates this. Seeing him like that with someone else. But I'm well aware of the situation here, I know he is doing it to comfort her, the same way he would do for me or any of the others.

  
N: “I never did get to say thank you. To you or Sayori. You've both been so good to me. You let me into your home, even if I didn't deserve it for how I treat you sometimes.”

MC: “Hey hey, no, don't be like that. We couldn't have just turned you away when you showed up that night, and you do a lot round the house for us too. I can cook and look after myself well enough, but I can't do half the things you do.”

N: “But I've been nothing but trouble for you guys. I watched my dad hit you. Do you have any idea how much worse that was than if it had just been me instead? You got put in harms way because of me.”

MC: “And how did that work out for him?”

N: “Your missing the point, he'll be back. After what you did it won't just be me he wants, and that's what scares me the most. That you'll get hurt because of me.”

  
Her voice is shaken and cracking as she speaks, hearing her so vulnerable like this physically hurts, this isn't the cocky unwavering Natsuki we have come to know at all. I'd be lying to myself if I said that thought of her father returning hadn't crossed my mind before. But to hear it from her just now makes it so much more real. The idea of his cruelty being directed at people other than herself is terrifying to her, and also to me. What if MC does get hurt, or worse? It wouldn't be Natsuki's fault I know that, but I couldn't bare to lose him. I need him. I can see her grip around him get firmer. She really is afraid of this happening, and now so am I.

  
MC: “We'll deal with that if and when it happens. You need to stop blaming yourself for something that is out of your control Natsuki, Especially for something that hasn't and may not even happen.

N: “How can you be so calm about this...?”

MC: “Because I learned the hard way what blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault can push someone to do. It's not a road I want to go down again. So I do what I can not to let things get to me.”

N: “You aren't afraid at all...?

MC: “Sure I am a little, if something happened to Sayori or You. Or Yuri and Monika, I don't know how I'd take it. But I'm always just one phone call or one text away. Always. Plus Sayori's dad is right next door and he knows the situation after what happened before.”

N: “You didn't mention yourself at all.. If something happened to you.. I don't know what I'd do, or how Sayori would take it, or the others.”

MC: “Let me be the one to worry about that.”

N: “That's the problem.. you aren't worried about yourself..”

  
He doesn't answer her. I find myself agreeing with Natsuki, he didn't mention himself. Does he not care if he is the one to get hurt? They stay standing together for a few minutes, Natsuki doing everything she can not to cry without much success. Once they let go of each other, they go back to leaning on the railing. It takes another moment for either of them to break the silence.

  
N: “I'm sorry if I give you such a hard time about you and Sayori.”

MC: “Don't be, You share a home with us after all. I can see how it might seem all in your face sometimes.”

N: “It's not just that.. I guess I can get a little jealous of the two of you at times..”

MC: “Is that so?” I can tell that was hard for him to say while trying to keep a straight face.

N: “Don't flatter yourself idiot. Not of you. I mean the fact that you two have been friends for as long as you can remember. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't for him.. would I have had a friend like that?”

He's looking down at his arm again. He doesn't do it when he is around me, but that's twice in under 10 minutes I've seen him do it. With having to tell me and then being made to show Yuri as well, have I made it weigh on his mind more than it did before?

MC: “I'm just lucky I suppose. To have her in my life. She was the only one to pick me up when I was down, kept me going when I wanted to quit.”

  
She glances over at him a little puzzled at what he means by that. It looks like she wants to ask what he meant by quit, but is deciding against it.

  
MC: “If you ever feel like you need to vent like that again, you know where to find me, or Sayori. Don't let it build up too much, yeah?”

N: “Yeah.. Thanks again.. for everything you've done.”

MC: “All I did was open a door and let you stay in a room that wasn't being used. The rest is on you. Good night, Natsuki.”

N: “Good night Du.... Good night MC.”

  
With that he comes back into our room and closes the door behind him. Turning to see me sitting on the edge of the bed, wide awake and trying to hold back tears. He walks into the bathroom, splashing some cold water on his face then drying himself off before returning to the bed.

  
MC: “So how much of that did you hear?”

S: “All of it. I wanted to go out and hug her so badly, but I thought if I did she would stop talking.”

MC: “Your right, she probably would have stopped, good call.”

He stops and looks at me as he is about to get into bed. Cupping my face in his hands and taking time to carefully wipe the pooling water from around my eyes.

S: “She is right though. You don't seem worried about your own safety.”

MC: “Like I said to Natsuki, Let me be the one to worry about that.”

S: “How am I supposed to not worry after hearing that... What would I do if you got hurt or worse?”

MC: “Sayori, everything will be fine. I won't let anything happen to you or her.”

S: “Stop it, you know damn well that's not what I'm afrai..”

He gently places his finger on my lips, still cupping my face from when he dried my eyes. Following up with a kiss to my forehead.

MC: “Everything will be fine. I promise. Now lets get some sleep. You want to retake that picture later today, yeah? Can't have you being all tired in it now can we, or you'll make me take you back here and do it again.”

S: “Alright. I trust you. Sleep does sound good.”

  
Before he moves his hand from my face, I put my hand up and grip his fingers in mine, holding it still for a few seconds. As we settle down, I tap his chest with my finger, he smiles back at me and nods. By now he knows what that means. He lays on his back, propping himself up with both sets of pillows. I rest my head against his chest and he puts his arm around me, hand resting on the back of my neck, swapping between gently scratching the bottom of my hairline, running his fingers through my hair and rubbing my neck. I was worried I'd have trouble sleeping tonight after what I heard. But he is determined to make sure I'm asleep before him, again he is putting my well being before his own. At least I know that while laying together like this he can't go anywhere. Despite my best efforts to try to stay awake, what he is doing along with the steady rhythm of his heartbeat in my ear. Its not long at all before I'm asleep.

**Later that day**

Come on, where is it. The layout of this place has changed a little since we were last here. Some new buildings and changes to the enclosure have made it difficult to remember exactly where we took the picture before.

MC: “Stop pulling me around by the arm Sayori. We will find the spot, but it will be easier to do if you slow down.”

S: “I've been looking forward to this happening since we planned the trip. I'm not waiting any longer.”

MC: “Do you have the original picture on your phone?”

S: “Of course I do! See!.”

  
We both stop and look at picture, seeing me being given a piggyback by him always brings a smile to my face. Just one of many memories we have. It has become increasingly difficult over the last while to get any new pictures of the two of us. He doesn't like his photo being taken much unless he is in the mood. Yesterday on the tour was one such day. He also knows how much recapturing this moment means to me.

  
MC: “Look, in the background is the blue fish statue, which is back towards the aquarium, and can you wait for the others to catch up first?”

S: “But I want to go take the picture now!”

MC: “And if we don't wait for the others, who exactly is going to take the picture?”

S: “Okay you got me, but we passed the fish after we got separated. So we should head that way!”

MC: “We didn't get separated, you ran off and dragged me with you, but yes we need walk back that way.”

S: “Come onnnn, at least walk quickly”

  
We meet up with the others on the walk back, making our way back to near the entrance of the aquarium. I hand Monika my phone and tell her what I'm trying to do. Thankfully she has the same type of phone I do, so at least the camera won't be the problem here. Jumping onto MC's back, he grabs hold of my legs to stop me falling, turning to look at me as I lean over his shoulder pointed excitedly like in the original picture. I really hope this turns out alright. Without warning he kisses me on the cheek. There is an ever so slight pause before I feel the biggest smile appear on my face.

Inspecting my phone after, I notice that Monika had put it on rapid picture mode. Creating almost a video but with no sound. It captured everything. From the photo recreation moment I had been waiting for, MC kissing my cheek, my expression breaking out of surprise followed by a big smile as I close my eyes.

  
MC: “Your digital frame should be able to play that to look like a slightly slowed down video, as well as show any you choose separately as normal photos. I can set that up when we get home.”

S: “They can really be shown as both?

MC: “We might need to get a bigger SD card for your frame, but yes they can be both. If you like we can put all these on my computer and I can put one of the new pictures of your choosing side by side with the original, so you see both at once as a single picture.”

  
Looking at all the different images, I already know which of the new ones I'm picking. One where he is still kissing my cheek, the moment after I started smiling with my eyes closed. I was so focused on recreating that wonderful memory, that I didn't take into consideration the two biggest changes since then. The two of us. We aren't just best friends anymore.

This whole trip turned out better than I could have hoped.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Chapter 15**

The train ride home was much like the first, MC listening to some music, but not for as long as on the way there. Other than taking advantage of an empty train carriage to play MC's awful music bingo, which wasn't as bad as the last time. Any minor arguments between him and Natsuki seemed almost for appearance sake than anything else.

The rest of the summer goes by pretty quickly, We take a few more day trips, two more as a full group, two with just myself, MC and Natsuki, and several days out relatively locally just the two of us.

We are all gathered at his, last chance before the end of the break.

  
MC: “ I need to head the store quickly for some bits and pieces.”

S: “I'll go too!”

Y: “I can stay with Natsuki, we can pick some stuff to watch for when you get back.”

MC: “I swear if its another cheesy romance film again this time, I'm going upstairs and playing games.”

M: “The last time you did that, We couldn't hear it over you yelling at the game. I'm assuming you were playing Diablo, seeing as you went on a several minute rant about why Arcane Sentries are bullshit.”

MC: “Well they are, and yes it was. 25 hours on a hardcore character gone.”

Y: “I consider my vocabulary to be fairly broad, but I have to admit. Those were some colourful word combinations you used, I mean who would have thought you could call something a purple laser ball throwing piece of hot...

S: “Okay that's enough of that. MC if you could not pass on your terrible competitively driven foul mouthed habits to Yuri, that would be fantastic.”

N: “You should hear him when he is playing other things against actual people. Talk about having an ego problem.”

MC: “Well when your this good...”

  
He is interrupted by me slapping him on the back of the head. I know exactly what Natsuki is talking about. He doesn't go out of his way to be rude to people. But the times that I've heard him, its been when someone he is beating calls him out. Then he is more than happy to tell them about what they are doing wrong and why they are bad. There is such a thing as being a bad winner.

  
MC: “Alright alright, we should get going anyway.”

N: “Can you get some sugar and flour while you are out as well? Oh and Sayori remember to put away that glass bowl you used earlier. You know you shouldn't use those for cereal”

S: “I'll do it when we get back.”

N: “No do it now, Don't just walk out the...”

  
I close the door behind myself to see MC smiling at me but also shaking his head. As we walk towards the store, I wrap my arms around one of his and lean against his shoulder. It's a shame summer is almost over already. I'd love more time for just the two of us without having to worry about school for a bit longer.

  
MC: “You probably should have put the bowl away, you know how protective she is of her kitchen.”

S: “Her kitchen? Last time I checked it was your house.”

MC: “You know what I mean.”

It doesn't take us long to arrive at the store, the list of things we need is fairly small so it doesn't take long to gather up everything and make our way to the checkout.

MC: “Did we get everything?”

S: “Plus the few extras Natsuki asked for. I think she wants to make cupcakes for the first club meeting.”

MC: “Seeing as Monika and Yuri are currently with Natsuki, do you reckon they will want to stay for food tonight?

S: “I'm sure they will be up for it, depending on if we can agree what to have quickly enough.”

His phone starts ringing, taking it out of his pocket he looks at the screen, its Monika calling.

MC: “Huh, talk about timing, Hey Monika we were just talking...”

M: “MC Please get home right now. Please please please. He's here.”

MC: “I'm on my way”

Panicked, the only word I can think of to describe how Monika sounded. I've seen her when she is cross, worried, nervous. Many things. Never Panicked. He hands his phone to me in a rush and drops the bags he's carrying on the floor.

MC: “Call your dads work phone, he has one of his work partners with him right now and is right next door.”

Before I can even answer he begins sprinting home. I do as I he asks, trying to explain to my dad the situation. By the time he gets there MC should already be there. Picking up the bags he dropped, I begin making my way back to the house as quickly as I can. Thankfully we didn't buy too much.

Arriving back at the house, I find the front door is open, closed over but not locked. Entering the living room I can see one of my dads work colleagues holding Natsuki's father down to the floor. My dad is knelt next to Natsuki who is laying on the sofa but isn't moving... I rush over to her but he stops me from getting too close.

S: “What happened..”

Nobody seems to be willing to answer me. I start to scan the room with my eyes to try and find something, anything. As I walk nearer the kitchen I'm stopped by Monika.

M: “Sayori... please do not go in there.”

Why would she be trying to stop me? The redness around her eyes shows me she has been crying, quite a lot. Looking past her I can see a large long shard from the bowl I didn't put away resting on the floor, It's stained red... I spin around and look over at Natsuki but she doesn't seem to have any visible injuries? By now Monika knows what I've seen.

M: “It's not hers...Sayori please come away...”

  
Looking at her in the eyes, her emerald green eyes sparkling for all the wrong reasons. She has started crying again, her face is pale. Why is she so determined to stop me from seeing what's in the kitchen? I can hear more crying from in the kitchen, which lets me know Yuri is alright, the only person who is missing right now is....no....no. NO.

I push past Monika to find Yuri kneeling over MC holding a towel against the right hand side of his torso. Half of the towel is red... Running around to the other side of the central kitchen island, dropping to my knees and bringing my trembling clenched fists up to cover my mouth. I can already feel the tears burning down my face. His head is resting on another towel, which is also slowly turning from its normal magnolia to an extremely unwanted red. Just above his temple on the left side of his face, you can tell where he had the glass bowl smashed against him. I'm trying to scream, trying to let out the pain. But no sound will come out.

I slowly turn my head to look over to Yuri, tears streaming down her face and dropping onto her own partially stained turtle neck. Her hands are also red from holding the towel against him, trying to slow down the bleeding. I break down and start crying uncontrollably into his chest, holding myself up enough that I'm not pushing down on him. He's breathing but its very jagged, even though he isn't awake he's in agony..

I can't stop crying, my heart feels like it has just been ripped out. I can't bare to see him this way but I can't leave his side. In between sobs I force out what few words I can bring myself to say.

  
S: “Don't... don't you dare... don't.. you.. dare.. leave me.. Masato Chousokabe don't you.. dare...”

  
What feels like an eternity is only a couple of minutes after I arrived, paramedics arrive and begin seeing to both Natsuki and MC. I had to be pulled away from him by Monika and Yuri. Within the next few minutes, police officers arrived, some take Natsuki's father away while others take statements from all those who saw anything.

Zoning in and out while staring at him. I hear only bits and pieces of what people tell them.

  
M: “Her dad knew he was coming and was waiting for him. But didn't expect him to come through the back garden. He knows how to jump the fence from the alley.”

Y: “Coming through the back caught her dad off guard, he looked like he had the upper hand until..”

M: “When he was hit with the bowl he stumbled and hit the back of his head on the edge of the worktop. As he stood back up, Her dad used the big shard that was still in his hand to..”

The glass bowl. The one I didn't put away. This.. this is all my fault.. if I had just put it away like she asked me... He would still be here.. stood next to me... and not...

As the paramedics begin to move him from the kitchen to the ambulance outside, I hold his hand the whole way out. Squeezing it tightly. He isn't awake and can't reciprocate. I'm about to step into the ambulance to go with him but I'm stopped by my father.

SD: “I know your worried right now. But if they need to ask anything about him, you won't be thinking straight. Stay here and I'll go.”

S: “But..”

SD: “No buts Sayori... Before he lost consciousness, the one thing he asked of me was to not let you see him like that... Which I failed to do. Stay here. Please.”

  
By the time I go back inside after watching both ambulances leave. Monika and Yuri have already cleared up the remaining glass from the floor. My head is pounding, I haven't stopped crying from the moment I saw him. I walk into the kitchen and slump down with my back against the cupboards, pulling my knees into my chest. Staring at the floor where he had been. Seeing this both Monika and Yuri come rushing over, dropping to their knees next to me and collectively holding me.

  
M: “It's alright Sayori, he will be alright. He will be, you'll see.”

Y: “He'll be back before you know it. He's come back from worse, remember?”

S: “...if I had just put it away...”

M: “No, absolutely not. You are not blaming yourself for this.”

Y: “Nobody could have known this was going to happen, This isn't your fault Sayori.”

As they lean backwards to try to coax me to stand up, I grab hold of Yuri's wrist, surprising her, she tries to pull her hand away the moment she knows what I'm looking at. Her hands are still red, the floor is still red. The towels are still red.

S: “I did this... I caused this...”

  
Folding my arms across my knees I bury my head into them and begin to break down again. This time I've found my voice. Screaming about how stupid I am, that because I was so pathetic that I couldn't even put a stupid bowl away. He got hurt because of something I didn't do. For all I know, the two of them could be trying to calm me down, but I can't hear or see the world around me.

I don't know how long I'm down there for. Did I fall asleep crying? One of them must have put a blanket around me. I sit up and see the two of them sitting at the table.

  
M: “I knew his name was Masato from being in a class of his last year, but I had no idea what his full name was.”

Y: “I didn't even know that much. He's always just gone by MC. I assumed it must just have been because he didn't like his name.”

S: “...its not that...”

  
They both stop to look at me as I stand to my feet and make my way over to the table. Monika begins pouring me a large mug of hot chocolate that they've only just finished making. Sitting down at the table with them, I look at Yuri, she has changed out of her turtle neck into one of MC's long sleeve t-shirts. She notices me staring at it.

  
Y: “Ah.. I hope you don't mind... It's just my sweater was... and I don't think yours or Natsuki's clothes would...”

S: “its... alright.. just be careful with that one... its one of his favor...”

**  
But what if he doesn't need it anymore. Because of you.**

  
Stop it. Stop it now. I can't afford to think like that anymore. Especially not right now.

  
Y: “I will. I will. I promise.”

M: “Sayori, you were saying about why he goes by MC?”

S: “It's.. its because when we first became friends.. I couldn't.. pronounce either one of his names properly.. So instead of just.. going and making friends with someone else.. He told me just to call him MC... I guess it just stuck from then...”

I amount of time I spent practising to say his name properly. Yet I've only ever called him it a handful of times. Chousokabe, Masato Chousokabe... Sayori Chousokabe... I'd like that...

**  
Except now that might not happen, You weren't there. You have no idea how bad his injuries are. Injuries that only happened because of you.**

  
Stop.. please...

**  
He promised you everything would be fine. Is this fine? Or maybe this was his escape plan. To get away from you.**

  
STOP.

**  
Even if he does recover, you have no way of getting in touch with him. Lucky him.**

  
His phone... I still have it.. I lift it out of my pocket and place it on the table. Entering the unlock pattern, the phone opens to an icon free page, the wallpaper is the photo of us from the zoo at the start of the summer. The moment I see him I can feel the water building around my eyes, blurring my vision. Until I can't see his face anymore.

  
  
...Don't leave me.....


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Chapter 16**

It's been three days since it happened. Three sleepless nights. What little sleep I've had has always been interrupted by the nightmares, one is the same as before but now with the new wounds as well. The new one though, its what keeps me awake a night, afraid of falling asleep.

Every girl dreams of her wedding day, where they want it. How they want things to be. Since I was 14, anytime I've ever had a dream about it. It was always to him, Always. Those dreams have been some of the greatest comfort I've ever held onto, especially since the night he saved me.

But now the scene is different. Tormenting me anytime I dare to rest my eyes. Sometimes it's him, wired up to the machines like he was just as the ambulance left. Other times it's just the red stains on the floor surrounded by shards of glass. What was the dream I clung onto so tightly for years on the nights I needed them most. I cannot face anymore. But I need to be strong for him. To be here when he gets back. I will not let those thoughts consume me again.

**  
If he gets back.**

  
My dad won't even talk to me about what happened. He won't tell me what part of the hospital he is in, or Natsuki. He thinks he is protecting me doing this. I know he goes there every morning before work. This morning I'm waiting for him there. I will not be kept in the dark. I'm not a child anymore, I need to see him. To know he is still there.

Yuri and Monika are with me, they need to know too. About both of them. Watching as my dad enters the hospital, I follow behind at a distance as he navigates the corridors. Until he reaches what is the intensive care ward. Making a note of which room he went into, sitting down with the hood of MC's jacket I'm wearing up. After a few minutes he exits the room speaking with a doctor. Seizing the opportunity, I slip into the room.

Seeing him like this almost breaks me. His middle is covered in bandages. His shirt has been removed, meaning both of his arms are on show. Oxygen mask on his face and his eyes closed. I can see the stitches on the side of his head from where he was struck. I take his hand in mine and hold it tightly, the warmth of his hand is comforting. Exactly what I needed right now.

**  
You caused this.**

….I know...

  
Hearing people in the hall, I pull the curtain slightly and duck in behind it. The door to the room opens and my dad and the doctor enter the room.

Dr: “He's lucky, due to the shape of the glass used, it missed all the important bits. The size of the wound inflicted was larger though. Had the shard been straight instead of curved, there would have likely been serious spinal damage.”

SD: “That's good to hear. You said he woke up last night for a small amount?”

Dr: “It wasn't very long at all I'm afraid. Not long enough for him to say anything. I'm amazed he was even able to at all yet. He certainly seems like a fighter.”

SD: “But he is going to make a full recovery?”

Dr: “It's still early, but if things keep going the way they are, yes. I'll be honest, After treating this young man for those wounds before, I had hoped to never need to see him in here again. Those aren't cases you forget. His injuries this time around are as bad if not worse. At least this time they weren't self inflicted. No need to put him on watch like before.”

SD: “Back then was different. He had just lost his father and was not in any frame of mind. I should never have let him move back into that house so soon. I may not be his Parent, but I was his legal guardian at the time and I let him down. I had to do something.”

  
What...? He knew? I don't know if its the lack of sleep, or the fact my emotions have been all over the place for days. I cannot think quickly enough to stop myself from revealing I'm there. Pulling back the curtain and staring my own father in the eyes.

  
S: “You.. knew... about this... about what he did to himself”

SD: “Sayori, how did you get here?

S: “You kept this from me.”

Sensing the tension in the room, the doctor leaves us alone and closes the door.

S: “He told me only the school therapist knew before I did.”

SD: “I was contacted about it when he was first admitted, legally they had to tell me. He has no idea that I know. How the hell was I meant to explain what he had done to himself to you?”

S: “I could have lost my best friend. The one person in this world I need more than anything else, and you hid it from me!”

SD: “I did what I thought was right Sayori, why do you think I kept subtly pushing for you to spend time with him. You were the only person he would let in close to him. I needed someone to be around him to make sure he was okay.”

S: “You could have told me, I would have spent all that time with him regardless, even more if I had known.”

SD: “How do you know that though? Knowing then might have changed everything.”

S: “Knowing then wouldn't have changed how I felt at all! I've been in love with him since I was 14!”

  
I freeze when I say that. Covering my mouth with my hand. I've never told anyone that. Not even MC. Yet in my slept deprived state I just yelled it at my own father. The tears I've been fighting back from the moment I entered this room begin to fall freely. He steps forward and wraps his arms around me. I return my dads embrace, trying not to cry onto his shirt.

S: “I...I just want him back...”

SD: “So do I, Sayori... So do I.”

  
As I get ready to leave the room, I place his phone in the bedside drawer along with a charger and a note telling him to call me the moment he is awake. I take his hand into mine again, rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb. Kissing him on the forehead, as I go to move my head away I stop by the stitches on his temple. I don't know if he will be able to hear me right now. I really hope he can. Softly, I speak into his ear.

S: “I love you, Masato Chousokabe, I love you with all my heart. Please.. come back to me.. I need you..”

Exiting the room I check my phone. Monika has text me a room number. Glancing over my shoulder, he reads my screen.

SD: “So you are going to see her next I take it? We can both go then. I need to speak to her anyway.”

  
Following my dad through several more corridors, exiting the intensive care ward and to the recovery ward, where patients go before being discharged after being in intensive care. Natsuki must have been in there to begin with too. I start to understand why I wasn't told where they were at first.

After a few minutes, we are entering another small but single patient room. Monika and Yuri are already inside. Natsuki is sitting up in her bed, staring out the window. In the reflection she sees us both enter and turns to look at us. Her face and arms are bruised, with some small bandages covering cuts on her cheeks. Her left arm also seems to be in a sling, but it doesn't seem like it is in a cast.

  
SD: “Seeing as you are all here, it'll be easier to tell you all at once.”

M: “Tell us what?”

SD: “MC had me drafting up what would have been a restraining order against your father Natsuki. To try to keep him away from you.”

N: “He had you doing what?!”

SD: “But, that is no longer the path we are going down. With recent events, regardless if you are willing to testify against your own father or not. He will be getting charged with attempted murder.”

N: “What?! My dad is an abusive asshole sure, but he has never tried to kill me. From what Monika and Yuri told me, after he hit me I fell down the stairs.”

She doesn't know yet...

Y: “Natsuki, he didn't mean you...”

Natsuki tilts her head slightly in confusion at what Yuri just said. She looks around the room and makes eye contact with everyone. With me being last. I'm trying my hardest to keep my expression from breaking. Given how I haven't slept more than a few hours in the last three days, I don't think it mattered.

Her eyes slowly widen and her bottom lip trembles slightly. Her eyes slowly filling.

N: “Where is he Sayori.... Where is MC....”

  
I don't know if its the sight of her cracking, or the mental images of him laying on the floor from the other night that my mind keeps feeling the need to make me relive. But she now isn't the only person in the room about to cry.

**  
Go on, tell her. Tell her that the thing you refused to put away almost made him bleed out on the floor. How well do you think she would take that.**

  
SD: “He is alive. But it was close, had it not been for Yuri doing everything she could to slow the bleeding down.”

Yuri begins to play with and hide behind her hair. I really need to thank her in private later. What she did saved his life. But I get the feeling that she would rather have never had to go through the experience at all.

N: “Where is he, right now. I want to know.”

SD: “He was in the room right next to yours in intensive care.”

  
Hearing that, Natsuki flicks herself out of bed and begins marching towards the door. I notice behind the hospital gown she has on, she still has the clothes she had on the other night. Unlike MC's they didn't need to be cut out of the way or removed.

We arrive outside MC's room. Natsuki grabs the handle and is about to walk in... his arms... think Sayori think.

  
S: “Wait!”

N: “Why should I?”

S: “He doesn't have clothes on like you. Let me at least make sure he is covered up properly first, Yuri can you help me?”

Y: “uhh... I guess... so?”

N: “Just do what you need to and be quick about it.”

Entering the room and walking over to MC, seeing him again like this hurts just as much as the last time. But right now this isn't about you Sayori, you don't have time for this.

S: “Please tell me you have bandages in your bag Yuri.”

Y: “I do.. But what do you need them for?”

S: “Yuri, look at him, his arms are on show. We need to cover them so that Natsuki and Monika don't see them. I'll do his left, you get his right.”

  
We hastily bandage an arm each. After which I walk over to the door and let the others in. Natsuki walks slowly over the side of his bed. Yuri joins Monika standing at the foot of the bed, Monika is also having trouble looking at him. Like the other night, its in times like this she doesn't know what to do, feeling helpless and powerless. I know all too well how both Natsuki and Monika are feeling. Neither want to believe what they are seeing. But for Natsuki to know that it was her father that did this to him must hurt even more. Especially after what was said on the balcony when we were away. This outcome is what she was most afraid of.

Looking over at her, she is fighting with everything she has not to make any noise that might dare sound like she is crying. But those tears flowing down her cheeks tell us how she really handling this.

N: “My dad.. did this to him....how.. how did it happen?”

SD: “A glass bowl was used as a weapon against him. First he was hit on the left side of his head and then stabbed in the right side with what was left of it.”

She closes her eyes for a moment, as she opens them. The look she briefly gives me... before turning her attention back to MC.

**  
She knows it was your fault. That you are responsible for this.**

  
N: “I tried to warn you... That this could happen.... But you just stood there... with that stupid grin on your face...”

She has no fight left in her to stop it. Each breath she takes is laden with sobs. The sight Natsuki like this is hard to deal with, for all of us. Yuri and Monika have both started tearing up as well. I don't even know what to say to her.

N: “You have been... the closest thing to family I've had in years... You welcomed me into your home... gave me a place free of him... You didn't deserve this... Just for doing what is right...”

SD: “Does that mean you will?”

N: “Yes. I will do whatever I need to. To keep that monster out of mine, his, all of our lives.”

  
After a few minute of silence, apart from the constant beeping of the machine monitoring his pulse. The door opens and we are ushered out of the room so the staff can change his bandages. Back in her room, Natsuki had some checks of her own and was given the all clear to leave after being given painkillers.

  
S: “Ready to go home, Natsuki?”

N: “Yeah...”

  
As we make our way home, being given a lift by my father. That look she gave me earlier is all I can think about. This isn't over, not yet.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Chapter 17**

I'm glad Monika and Yuri decided to stay with us right now. I'm dreading the moment we enter the house. For what might happen. As we get out of my dads car, we walk towards MC's house. This is the first time we have all been back here together since it happened. I stop outside the front gate, looking up at the house. This doesn't feel right, without him. Nothing feels right about this moment, from the dark grey clouds covering the sky as far as the eye can see, the unpleasant warmth of the mugginess in the air, right down to the uneasy feeling in my stomach.

M: “Looks like there is going to be thunder.”

  
Don't I know it. That look Natsuki shot me after hearing what had happened to him. She is going to blame me.

**Well, it was your fault after all. All you had to do was spend a few seconds to put it away and all of this could have been avoided.**

…I know...

**You better hope he is awake and able to get out of bed before next week. That's one of the most important days of the year to him, It'll be exactly 3 years to the day his dad died. If he can't make it to his grave.**

…it'll be my fault.. oh god what have I done...

My chest tightens and I begin to struggle to breathe. The thought of coming back here and what I have potentially done to him is bringing me dangerously close to a breakdown. I feel a hand on my shoulder, I turn to see Yuri looking at me reassuringly. Taking a few long deep breaths to regain what little composure I've had over the last few days, it's at least just enough for now.

Opening the front door and walking into the living room, despite everything being tidied and no trace of what happened being here. I don't think I'm alone in having my mind make me relive what I saw.

Natsuki on the sofa, MC on the kitchen floor, Yuri covered in his blood while crying, Monika looking lost and helpless with tears streaming down her face. I only saw the aftermath, MC didn't arrive until about a minute after Natsuki had been knocked down the stairs and out cold. Monika and Yuri though.. they saw everything. I can't even begin to fathom how horrible it must have been to see happen. Finding it after was bad enough.

I keep going, until I reach his bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed, again I find myself taking deep breaths. Drying the water pooling around my eyes to prevent myself from starting. I look up to notice I'm not alone in here. Yuri is stood just inside the door, her two arms crossed on her chest, she's holding onto his shirt she wore after changing out of her clothes the other night.

Y: “I.. I washed it after I wore it.. I was going to put it back sooner.. but...”

S: “That's alright Yuri. It.. It's been a difficult week...”

She nods quietly, staying still instead of going to put his shirt back.

Y: “This.. I.. I don't want this to sound silly.. but wearing this.. was oddly... comforting... do you think.. he would mind if I held onto it for now..? Not for good.. Just until he is back..”

I look at her trying to process what she has just asked. Given what she did that night, I can't really say no.

S: “Well.. I said before.. That is one of his favourite shirts.”

Y: “Ah.. I'll.. put it back..”

S: “No, hold onto it for now Yuri. If you find it helps. Actually I might join you.”

Instead of one of his long sleeve shirts, I opt for one of his zip up hoodies that I bought for him for his 14th birthday after finding him looking at it online on more than one occasion. Black with icy blue pull cords and hood lining, with a video game villain on one side of the zip. I think he called this guy the Lich King? Despite this being over 4 years old, it's still way too big on me. But Yuri is right, this is a little comforting. I turn to look at her, she has already changed into the long sleeve shirt again.

S: “I never did get to say thank you Yuri.”

She begins to look at the floor and hide behind her hair again.

S: “I overheard the doctor talking to my dad earlier, he said that MC was a fighter, and that he already woke up once. That he will pull through. Because of you.”

Y: “That's excellent news.”

As a smile appears on her face for the first time in days. I walk over to her and throw my arms around her, catching her by surprise. She doesn't struggle or try to push me away in a panic, eventually returning the hug.

S: “You are the reason he's going to make it.”

Y: “He.. would have done the same for me... Ah... um... I mean he would have.. done it for any one of us.. not just me..

S: “Yes.. yes he would.. that's who he is..”

**Or who he was. You left out the part about it still being early.**

Letting Yuri go. We both head downstairs to find Natsuki cooking, but not with the normal finesse she usually displays in the kitchen, with Monika trying to get her to stop.

M: “You have only just been discharged Natsuki, at least let us do this for you.”

N: “NO.”

M: “I know you are angry, but please let me help you.”

N: “Angry? You think this is me being ANGRY? If I was Angry I'd be throwing things, at MC... and... his.. stu...pid... stupid... grin...”

Without taking time to think I run into the kitchen and pull her into a hug, it's only a few seconds before she has begun crying into my shoulder. It isn't long before Monika and Yuri both join me. The last time we had any form of group hug was before MC even joined the club, which took a lot of convincing to get Yuri or Natsuki to join in But this is completely different, there is nothing happy about this. It starts with me following Natsuki in crying, then Yuri and Monika almost at the same time.

S: “Maybe.. coming back here so soon was a mistake..”

N: “But where else can I go.. I can't go back there.. I can't.. This is my real home..”

M: “We can do this, all of us. Together. I can bring over some air mattresses my parents have laying around. We can all be here to welcome him back, because he is going to recover.

Y: “That sounds like a good idea..”

S: “School starts in two days..”

M: “All the more reason we need to stick together now, for him. It isn't going to be easy, people will likely ask about it. I've already checked with the school, we can use the club room on extra days and during lunch, so that we can avoid any unpleasant situations.”

She might have fallen apart when it happened, we all did. But now Monika is back in control, looking out for all of us. While the rest of us are struggling to do more than just get through the day, she is looking ahead trying to make everything easier.

N: “It's not going to be the same without him.”

M: “It won't be, you're right. But he wouldn't want us sitting around here all upset and skipping school, would he Sayori?”

S: “No.. he wouldn't.. The last time I tried to skip school he came into my room carried me to the bathroom and told me to get ready.”

Remembering this brings a slight smile to my face. The first time it happened was when we were 14. He got fed up waiting for me outside and let himself in. He woke me by throwing a teddy at me from the doorway, I was having one of my heavier days in terms of rainclouds brought on by the fact I was constantly having to repress how I felt about him, but I couldn't let it show. I rolled over to face away from him and said I wasn't going because I didn't feel like it. Before I knew it, he had scooped me up and we were in the hall heading towards the bathroom.

Every part of me wanted to fight against it, but being that close to him when you are trying to hide how you feel, I couldn't move or speak, a prisoner of my own inner conflict. I both wanted what was happening and hated it at the same time. Since then, I've done it several times, with no intention of skipping school, I just needed to be close to him. Doing this even led to our first time together.

Y: “Sounds like you have quite the dependable alarm clock.

N: “You mean alarm co..”

S: “Natsuki please.”

M: “See, we can do this together. It'll be an adjustment, but its only temporary one.”

Even I can't help but join the others laughing a little at what Natsuki was going to say. I guess right now a little normality is what we all needed. It might not be perfect, but at the moment it's all we have.

**Later that evening.**

Monika brought round the air mattresses like she said, we thought about having someone in each room so that Natsuki or I weren't alone. But agreed that a little space wouldn't be a bad thing. With Monika taking the living room and Yuri in order to have a room of her own, using the space in his dads old office.

Saying goodnight, Natsuki and I head up the stairs. She heads for her door without saying a word to me.

S: “Natsuki.. Why haven't you blamed me yet..”

She turns to partially face me, again without saying a single word, but her expression matches the one I saw in the hospital. Is she purposely not speaking to me? She hasn't said a word about what happened, which has been bothering me since we got home. Slowly turning to face me and walking over until we are almost face to face.

  
N: “Do you blame yourself for what happened?”

S: “Of course I do..”

N: “I know he would tell you not to blame yourself if he was here, or for me not to blame you. But he isn't here. When I was told what happened, I did partially blame you. I just didn't want to in front of the others. But at the same time how could I not blame myself? It was my dad who did it to him.”

She turns and walks towards her door again, and I'm still no closer to knowing.

S: “Do you still blame me..?”

N: “I haven't decided yet.”

I watch as she enters her room without looking back at me, I open the door to MC's room and sit down on the edge of the bed. Looking up at he photo frame as it cycles, landing on the image he put together of both the new and old photo together. Lifting the frame and pausing the cycle. I stare at the picture for what feels like hours, until I break. Setting the frame down on the side again, I lay down on my back to stare at the ceiling. Tears begin streaming down over both temples and into my hair, instead of down my face.

Pulling his hood over my head, it reaches far enough around to cover my eyes. Pressing down on the outside to both dry my eyes and to catch everything that is about to happen. What if he isn't able to make it next week? He'll never forgive me if he misses it.

**And why should he? You wouldn't deserve it.**

..No, Natsuki is right.. He would tell me not to blame myself.. He wouldn't blame me..

**People say what they don't mean for the sake of others every day. You did.**

..He isn't like that.. He wouldn't do that.. To me or any of the others..

**You may know him better than anyone. But you knew nothing about what he did to himself. He already has done that to you. To Us.**

..Get out.. of my head...

I can feel the dampness of the hood against my hands as I shift them from around my eyes to the sides of my head, pressing heavily. It feels like I'm trying to shake the thoughts from my own head, before I know it I'm on my side, all of the movements I've made has lifted the hood slightly, allowing me to see the paused picture frame out of one eye. Pulling the hood up just enough so I can see it properly. It almost feels like a weight being lifted off me, making things a little more bearable.

For him, not for me. I need to keep it together, to be stronger than this and keep going. For him.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Chapter 18**

The first day back at school is a blur and before I know it, I'm standing outside the clubroom door after classes. Taking a deep breath and letting my shoulders slump down for the first time all day, I push open the door. It looks like I'm the last one here. Setting my bag down and almost falling into a chair, I fold my arms on the desk and rest my head on them as I stare blankly at the front of the room. Gradually I begin to look around the room at the others. The room is unusually quiet considering we are almost all here. Almost..

I've checked my phone what feels like almost every 5-10 minutes since I left him his in the bedside drawer in his room.

Nothing.

I even check every form of social media I can think of, looking for his last activity date and time, praying it will change.

Again nothing.

  
Letting out a long drawn out sigh, I stand and head over to the closet to get some paper, phone still in my hand. As I'm picking up a few sheets, I accidentally knock one of the buttons on the side of my phone, causing the screen to come back on. Losing focus I drop the paper and stare at my background, its a picture Yuri took for us on the train home from our trip, MC is asleep with his headphones in and I'm resting my head on his shoulder, smiling.

All of these pictures, right now they are bittersweet. They both hurt to look at knowing that he isn't here, but also they are what gets me through the day. One by one I'm flicking through the album he made on my phone. I can hear what he said to me when he was getting the photos off my phone,

_  
  
“Jeez Sayori, do you not label any of these? Your gallery is just one big mess. It'll be easier to find things if you do this.”_

He sat up for hours with me going through everything and moving them into albums for me. I've had the one that is pictures of just the two of us open for days.

Please don't be gone for long..

I hear the door to the room open and a female voice speak to the others, is that Dr. Aiza?

  
Dr: “I'm sorry for the unannounced visit, I've been sent to check in with you girls to see how you are doing. Truth be told the school only told me of what happened 20 minutes ago. So the details I have are pretty limited. They haven't even given me your names, just that it would be 4 girls here and 1 boy who was hospitalized with a serious injury.”

At first nobody knows how to answer her, after a long silence Monika is the first to speak. This is the first time any of us have properly spoken about what happened outside of when Monika and Yuri gave their witness statements.

M: “He almost died.. trying to protect the three of us.. from her father..”

Y: “We were at his house.. just before the end of the summer.. The two of them had just gone to the store to pick up some things when he showed up..”

M: “Natsuki tried to calm him down so her father wouldn't hurt either of us.. By this stage I had already phoned him and he was rushing home..”

N: “From what I was told.. after my dad knocked me down the stairs, He arrived home and exploded when he saw me on the floor..

Dr: “His reaction to be that way, does that mean you and him are close?”

N: “Well... yes.. but not like that! He's been like a brother.. since he let me stay.. She's his girlfriend.”

I edge slightly out of the closet, looking partially at the floor before lifting my head to look at Dr. Aiza.

  
Dr. “Sayori? Then that means the boy was.. oh.. I'm so sorry to hear that.”

All I can bring myself to do is nod gently.

Dr: “Were you present when it occurred?”

S: “No.. I didn't see any of it.. Just how things were when I got home..”

N: “Which might not have happened in the first place if you had just put the stupid bowl away.”

  
Natsuki stands slamming her hands down on the table, her eyes misty and yet angry and the same time.

  
M: “Natsuki that's not fair, it wasn't her fault. Nobody knew what was going to happen. It may have been even worse if something else had been used.”

N: “And he might still be stood right here in this room with us, but he isn't.”

I can't speak. Everything they are saying is true, yes it could have been worse, but it also may not have happened at all. What did happen was my fault. I'm trying to force out an apology, but I can't. I'm choking on my own guilt. I did this..

Y: “That's enough! Yes Sayori didn't put it away, but neither did you, or Monika, or MC or me. We were all there. The only person to blame here is your sick psychotic father. He did this. And hopefully being locked away where he belongs for it.”

  
Angry is one thing I've never properly seen Yuri, I've seen her have heated debates with Natsuki about poetry, but this is new to everyone, to the point where nobody answers her, we are all too stunned. But this isn't just anger, her expression is a mixture of angry and upset.

  
Y: “Do you have any idea what he said as he lay on the floor?! Are you all okay? Did he hurt you? Is Natsuki breathing? Has Sayori got home yet? Not once, NOT ONCE did he ask if he was going to be okay. He didn't show a single shred of concern for himself. The last thing he did before blacking out was to put his hand on mine and say Don't worry about me, I'll be alright.”

With that she storms past Dr. Aiza and out of the room. Once the shock of Yuri's outburst has passed I chase after her into the hall, leaving the others behind in the clubroom. Up ahead I see her go into the room I first overheard her and MC in before the summer. When I make it to the door I enter without knocking. She is sat on the same desk I saw her on before. With one of her sleeves pulled up. Her arm is bandaged still, but by now she shouldn't need them? Now that I think about it, why did she have some with her in the hospital the other day?

Looking at her arm I get my answer, I can see the red lines in the bandages.. With everything that happened how could I have overlooked this.. Of all of us, with what she had to deal with was easily the worst. I should have seen this coming, but I was too wrapped up in my own loss that I didn't take how the others would be coping into consideration.

  
S: “Yuri...”

Y: “Leave me alone...”

S: “I can't do that.”

Y: “I just want to be left alone..”

S: “So you can harm yourself even more...?”

Y: “If that what it takes to make it stop..”

S: “He means a lot to you doesn't he.”  
  


She nods slowly as tears begin to drop onto her blazer. Stepping forward I put my arms around her, she doesn't lift hers. Instead just resting her forehead against my shoulder.

  
Y: “He's the only boy in this entire school, who hasn't judged me for my appearance, or my interests.. or that I struggle with the simplest of social encounters with strangers.. The only one I know who understands what I've done... Who doesn't think I'm a freak because of it.. He's done so much for us in such a short space of time.. helping me with this.. Natsuki with her father..”

S: “He saved me as well..”

  
Lifting her head to look at me in confusion. I guess I dropped myself in this one. Speaking without thinking again. She already knows more than the others about our secrets, as we do hers. This isn't exactly something I wanted to be remembering today. I take a few deep breaths to try and brace myself for the inevitable wave of horrible memories.

  
S: “The day I found the two of you outside his house, just before the festival.. I was overcome with jealousy.. I'd been wrestling with my feelings for him since we were 14. I brought him to the club originally for one of you to grow close to him, so he would have someone there after I was gone..”

The look of horror on her face tells me she has already figured out what I'm saying.

S: “After you left, I confessed everything to him. How I felt, the fact I struggle with depression.. Which is how Dr. Aiza knows my name. But after I confessed, I ran home. Stupidly not even giving him time to answer.. It's just as well he followed me, or I wouldn't be here.. He walked in on me as I was hanging myself.. He stopped me, saved me..

Y: “Sayori.. you.. tried to kill yourself..?”

S: “I thought I had ruined everything, for everyone.. But he didn't give up on me.. Just like he wouldn't on you, or any of us.. He might not be here right now, but if I need to act on his behalf to stop you. I will, gladly. He convinced me to see the therapist, it helped him after his attempt, and it has helped me Yuri. Please consider trying it, if not for you or me, try it for MC.”

Y: “..I'll try it.. I've thought about it in the past. But his help had been enough up until..”

S: “It's been a pretty difficult week.. For all of us. I was planning on going to see him after the club, but if you like we can speak to the others about going as a group”

She leans back down and rests her head on my shoulder again, nodding against me. It has definitely been a difficult week. Telling her about it did hurt, but it wasn't as bad as I had been braced for. Maybe all the therapy sessions have made it easier to talk about as well? Not that it matters, I only told her much for the same reason MC had shown her his arms. To help her see that she isn't alone, and certainly isn't as damaged as she believes herself to be.

We both head back to the clubroom, Dr. Aiza isn't there anymore. She had an appointment with another student to go to. Probably for the best right now. Things turned pretty quickly when we started to speak about it. Running the idea by everyone about going to visit, it was a pretty resounding yes before I had even finished my sentence.

Leaving the school building with the others, we make our way to the hospital by taking the bus. Staring out the window of the bus, it's still as gloomy as it was the day we arrived back from seeing him the first time, right now I'm not even sure if that is what the weather is even really like, or its just how my mind is making me see things without him.

Arriving at his room, we all stop. Hesitant to enter, knowing how it was last time.

  
N: “This is going to hurt again. Isn't it.”

M: “I'd love to be able to say no it won't, but..”

Y: “I'm going in, regardless. He would do the same.”

  
What else can I add to what they have just said? Collectively they have all said exactly how I feel about being here. Closing my eyes I turn the handle on the door and step forward. Greeted by the steady almost comforting mechanical beeping of the machines in the room. We take up the places we had last time, Natsuki and I either side of his bed with Yuri and Monika both at the foot of it. I check the drawer, his phone is exactly where I left it, the drawer beneath that one seems to have a few of his clothes in it, my dad must have brought them in for him. I'm not sure why, but he seems to be taking what happened to MC extremely personally, remembering what he said when I overheard him talk about his previous visit to this ward.

_  
“I may not be his Parent, but I was his legal guardian at the time and I let him down.”_

  
Taking his hand in mine, I hold it tightly. The room is still quiet apart from the machines, nobody knows what to say. Just knowing he is still here is reassuring enough for all of us. Placing my other hand around the back of his and looking at his face. I will never let you go Masato. Just like you would do the same for me.

  
My eyes shoot open in surprise and I let out a small squeak in shock. Looking down at my hand at what had startled me. He.. he is squeezing back... and I'm not the only one who sees it. I'm the first one to start crying, but it couldn't have been by more than a few seconds. I turn to look back at his face. His eyes.. They are flickering open.. ever so slightly and he is looking right at me... He manages what seems like the smallest of lip movements to try and form a smile, but just like that he is gone again, his hand losing its grip on mine as he falls back to sleep.

I feel myself standing up straight for the first time in as long as I can remember. That's all I needed. He's still there and he is coming back. I don't care how long it takes. I will be here.

Because even if I have to carry you, I will be here.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Chapter 19**

  
After seeing him wake on Monday, I've managed to sleep a little better. I still wake up a lot, but I'm not getting as many nightmares as I was. I don't think I'll be able to sleep a whole night through until he is back here with me.

With the exception of my usual Tuesday session with the school therapist, we have gone as a group to the hospital everyday instead of going to the clubroom, today is going to be no exception. But first we all stop off at MC's house first, on the way out of school it rained pretty heavily out of nowhere, with his house being the closest we ran to it instead of going to get the bus.

M: “Ugh, the weather report didn't say anything about it raining. I can't go to the hospital like this!”

S: “You can borrow some of my jeans and one of MC's tops if you want, I planned on wearing that hoodie of his again.”

Y: “I brought a change of clothes with me, I was going to get changed at school first, glad I didn't now.”

N: “Everyone do what you need to, it's Friday so we don't need our uniforms tomorrow, I can dry them later.”

M: “Shall we book a taxi to avoid getting caught in that again?”

Agreeing to Monika's idea, we all split up and get changed out of our rain soaked uniforms. She took me up on my offer of a mixture of mine and MC's clothes, Yuri changed into the shirt she had borrowed before, she seems to be comfortable in long sleeve shirts the same way he is. Maybe now she won't wear jumpers most of the year.

Regrouping downstairs, we leave our uniforms in 4 separate piles on the kitchen side, so they don't get mixed up. Monika then sets about sorting out our taxi, the rest of us join Yuri in the kitchen, who has already made each of us a hot drink using the fruit teas MC introduced her to at the beginning of the summer. Holding the warm mug in both hands, lifting it to take a sip, stopping to enjoy the smell of it first. Blackcurrant and Elderflower.. this was the first one he made for me, years ago. It's also one of my favourites, closing my eyes and taking several small mouthfuls, enjoying both the flavour and the memories. A small respite from how things are, but a welcome one.

I find myself staring into the bottom of my half full mug, half listening to Yuri and Natsuki talking about our other visits this week. How that he had woken up a few more times but we had missed each one as they had all been during school hours or during the night. He's fighting to come back, but I'm worried that he won't be well enough in time for next week. What if he is awake but can't make it? What if he isn't awake for it at all? Would he forgive me, or more importantly would he forgive himself? Now that he has shown me where his lowest point took him, the one I thought to be the strongest person I know, was hiding how fragile he really is.

I get snapped back out of my thoughts by a hand waving over the top of my mug. Jumping up slightly to see Natsuki in front of me trying to get my attention.

N: “Did you even hear any of that?”

S: “Huh? Ah, no sorry. I was a bit lost in thought, what did I miss?”

M: “I said taxi will be here in about 20 minutes.”

We talk amongst ourselves to pass the time until the taxi arrives, mostly reminiscing about some of our trips away over the summer. The discussion pausing a little on Natsuki and Monika trying to figure out why MC was so against going to the beach, with Yuri and I trying to get the conversation away from it, knowing full well why he didn't want to go.

N: “Maybe he doesn't like being topless because he is a pasty daylight hating nerd.”

S: “He's not that pale, I mean sure he could probably do with some more sun but.”

Y: “Maybe he's just modest?”

S: “Yeah that's the word I'm looking for.”

M: “Maybe he hates sand? Should I call him Anakin?”

N: “Hah, bet he would love being compared to someone from Star Wars, being a massive nerd and all.”

S: “He doesn't even like Star Wars, and he isn't a nerd anymore. Much. Okay maybe a little bit. But who are you calling a nerd? You like most of the things he does.”

Y: “That would be like us calling you Cupcakes because you like baking.”

N: “Yeah no that's not becoming a thing.”

M: “Whatever you say, Cupcakes.”

The taxi arrives just in time to stop Natsuki from stamping a hole in the floor. We all get in, nobody really talking much on the way apart from Monika to the driver, letting him know where to go and dealing with payment. At least the rain seems to have stopped. Walking into the front entrance of the hospital, this place still feels as unwelcoming as ever. The pace to his room is slow, with us once again pausing outside his door until we know we are all ready.

_I gently open the door._

The door slowly continues to open after I've let go of the handle, unable to walk forward.

He's awake.. and out of bed.. leaning against the wall looking out the window.. With his headphones in, so he hasn't heard the door open.

I'm waiting for the moment that I wake up, and this is some sort of cruel dream, but it doesn't happen. Once the initial shock has worn off I don't think I've ever ran across a room so quickly in my life. Stopping next to him, still not believing what I'm seeing. He turns to look at me and smiles, taking out his headphones but not moving away from the wall.

MC: “Hey you.”

His voice couldn't sound any sweeter. How I have missed it. Stepping forward, taking advantage of the fact he is leaning down, I press my forehead gently against his. I've cried so much over the last week. Now is no exception, but these aren't tears of sadness. Wrapping my arms softly around the back of his neck, instead of pulling him to me, I move to him until our lips meet. I've missed this so much.

He's finally back..

As we separate, he lifts his free hand to dry my eyes, it lacks his usual firmness and accuracy, but I don't care. It's his touch, and I've needed it all week. I lift my hand to hold his against my cheek. As he smiles at me, he looks down at the hoodie I'm wearing, before glancing around the room at the others. Apart from MC, There isn't a dry eye in the room. I watch as he looks at Yuri, then Monika and Natsuki before turning back to me.

MC: “This is the worst cosplay I've ever seen. I don't cry anywhere near this much, and Natsuki did you even try?”

N: “And here I was hoping you wouldn't wake up still being such a smartass..”

MC: “Well I thought about pretending I had amnesia for a while, but seriously, why is almost half my wardrobe in the room?”

M: “We got rained on coming out of school, Had to make do with what was at yours.”

Y: “I.. uhh.. I've had this one for a few days.. I had to borrow it because my sweater was covered in...”

MC: “Yeah sorry about that. I can get you a new one when I'm allowed out, or keep that shirt if you like it.”

Y: “..Really? Sayori said it was one of your favourites.. Are you sure that's okay?”

MC: “I don't mind, I can always get new clothes, besides your sweater got ruined because you got me on it? Does that sound weird?”

I know what he is trying to do, deflect an awkward situation by trying to use humor, his natural defence. Cupping his face with my hand to turn him to face me, I look deeply into his eyes so that he can see the concern in mine. I know he doesn't like it much when I call him this but..

S: “That's not funny Masato, don't say things like that.. I almost lost you.. again..”

N: “Again?”

Damn it Sayori, what is wrong with me lately? I keep saying things out loud that I really shouldn't. How can I fix this? What can I say to fix this..

MC: “I had an accident just over two years ago and ended up in here then too, I think I was out for a little longer this time though.”

He's is barely standing on his own two feet and he is already back to picking up after me. I need to be more careful with what I say. I really haven't been able to function properly at all without him around.

M: “Should you really be out of bed yet?”

MC: “No, not at all.”

S: “Then why are you! You should still be resting!”

MC: “I realized that when I made it over here and couldn't make it back.”

I put his arm around my shoulder and support him, Natsuki taking his other side as we help him back to his bed. It takes a few attempts, but we finally are able to help him onto his bed, but I can see it in his face. With nearly every movement from standing to sitting to laying, he was trying to hide it. But he is in pain, and not just a little bit. Yet he again is only focused on the rest of us, ignoring his own well being. I need to put a stop to this, I can't go through something like this again. I turn to face the others, hopefully they will understand.

S: “Is it alright if I have a few minutes alone with him?”

N: “Seriously? We're in a hospital Sayori.”

S: “Not for that, I just need to speak to him alone. Please.”

M: “Of course Sayori. We'll be just outside if you need us, come on Yuri, Cupcakes.”

MC: “Cupcakes?” I can see the smile creep across as he tries to keep a straight face.

N: “I said that's NOT becoming a thing.”

The three of them make their way to the door, Monika and Yuri giggling, while Natsuki stomps her way across the room. Once the door has shut behind them, I turn to face him. Resting my hand on his chest as he lays on his back.

S: “You need to take it easy. You're over doing it, all you are going to do is hurt yourself.”

MC: “I know that. I just want things to get back to normal.”

S: “You are laying in a hospital bed after almost being killed, Masato. There is nothing normal about this.”

MC: “That's twice now. Why are you using that?”

S: “To try and get it through to you that I'm serious! Do you have any idea how hard its been without you? I've barely slept, I can't eat. And not just been hard for me, but for all of us. Yuri has worn and cleaned that shirt of yours nearly every day since.. Telling her you would be okay, while bleeding on her. What part of that says I'm going to be fine?! She harmed herself again because she was so sick with worry..”

Leaning back down to him until my forehead meets his again, what I've just told him has obviously gotten to him. Maybe I shouldn't have told him yet. I know him too well, he's going to blame himself for it. What would he do here.. Take control of this situation Sayori.

Placing my index finger under his chin, like he has done to me so many times. I lift his gaze to meet mine. I lean in and give him another kiss.

S: “I know you want things to get back to normal, and they will. But it's going to take time, starting with you getting better.”

MC: “How did you find out she had been harming again?”

S: “It's complicated, I'll explain it when you get better and come home. Just don't blame yourself for it. I know you.”

MC: “The same goes for you. I know you too. You've likely been beating yourself up all week about me being here. What happened wasn't your fault.”

S: “But what if you aren't out in time for..”

MC: “I'll be going even if I'm not, I'll arrange something. Would.. you come with me?

This catches me off guard. He's never asked me to join him there before. He knows that I go with my father to pay our respects, but only after he has been himself. His previous two visits have been him, alone. Because that is how he wanted it.

S: “Of course I will. But wouldn't you rather go by yourself first?”

MC: “I don't know if it was the pain medication, the blood loss, a combination of everything or if it was even real at all. Before I woke up properly for the first time. He told me it wasn't my time, that he was proud of me. Of us. That I was to go back to you and never let you go.”

He saw his Father..? How close to losing him was I..? Those words.. They sound like something he would say. Proud of us? Of me as well? To come back to me.. and never let me go..? I've lost count of how many times I've cried this week. But to hear those words.. How could I not, If what he is saying is true, I've just been given the highest seal of approval possible.

Never letting go.. Exactly what I told myself that I would do for him. There isn't anyone I'd rather stand beside.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Chapter 20**

It's been a couple of days since we found him awake in his room. Tomorrow is the day I've been worrying about, if he can't get out of the hospital even for a few hours. It'll crush him, he doesn't need that right now. His recovery has been steady, he can manage to be up and about for a little while, but moving is still clearly painful for him despite his best efforts to hide it.

I've actually managed to sleep. Not the whole night through, but for the first time in just over a week I don't wake up feeling worse than I did the night before. Checking my phone, I see that I've missed a few messages from him during the night.

“Hey beautiful, can you bring me something to read or something to play games on next time you visit? I'm so bored here.”

“I take your silence as a, Yes MC, I can certainly do that.”

“I messaged Natsuki to ask why we now call her Cupcakes, I don't know if its cause I woke her up or what I was asking, but she was very rude. I also hurt my side laughing. Productive day so far.”

  
I find myself giggling silently at the last message, until the realization hits that we are the ones who now have to deal with an already annoyed Natsuki. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, sitting up in bed and stretching, I turn my phone sideways to start my reply.

“My silence was a, Its 3am and I'm sleeping, maybe you should have tried the same.”

“If she does something to my breakfast cause you made her mad, I'm holding you responsible.”

A couple of minutes pass with no reply, so I decide to leave it for now. He should be resting anyway. I make my way downstairs, even with me waking up early I'm still the last one awake. Last night was the last time Yuri and Monika are going to stay over. Natsuki is laying on the sofa watching TV, her legs dangling over the arm and her head resting on a cushion which seems to be half on Yuri, who is sat with her arms out either side resting on top of the back of the sofa. Did she sleep in MC's T-shirt? I swear she had brought night clothes with her. My train of thought is interrupted by Monika coming out of the basement in what looks to be work out gear.

M: “Morning all, we should probably start to get ready soon. Mind if I go first?”

N: “What were you doing down there?

M: “Sayori mentioned before MC kept some exercise stuff down there, figured I'd use some of them. I couldn't get back to sleep when I woke up, beats laying around doing nothing.”

I disagree. I'm quite happy to do that when I'm able to. While Monika uses the bathroom in the hall, I use the one in MC's room. After I've finished I stay standing under the water, thinking about tomorrow. Trying to let it wash away the worry. Letting out a long drawn out sigh due to the fact that it isn't working, I turn the water off and and begin to get ready for school. As I'm dressing I find myself humming to a tune that I can't place? I physically stop what I'm doing trying to think what it is and where I heard it. Looking over at the bed, its cover not tucked. If he was here it would drive him crazy that I've left it like that. Smiling slightly as I think of what his reaction would be, we really are quite differ...

_For all of our differences._

_I always said I'd be there if you should come undone._

That's what the song is. The one he sang on the balcony on our trip, the one he quoted the first time we shared a bed. This bed. It hits me like a wave, taking the smile with it. The feeling of how lonely I've actually been at nights without him. I know he is recovering, I know he is coming back, slowly. Even when he gets out we more than likely won't be able to share it right away, not with his injury where it is. I'd be too afraid of hurting him during the night.

I need a distraction. Booting up his computer to put on some music, I know he has some of my songs on here, since I complained he had nothing I could listen to. Flicking through the different playlists he has made, all the way down to S.

Sayori's Playlist, of awful radio friendly garbage.

Real mature MC. I go to double click the playlist to start it after rolling my eyes, but accidentally hit the playlist beneath, stupid sensitive mouse. Why can't he have a normal one?! I can almost hear him in my head, The average mouse is 800 blah blah, This one can do 16000, but I keep it on 4500 with my custom blah blah, Who needs this many buttons! A mouse is a mouse, right?

File not found? This file has changed location? But he would never keep his music in a different location. He's insanely proud of his music being laid out correctly, album covers, every minor detail he can add he does. One of the CD's he transferred onto here of mine, none of the songs had details or names. He deemed it unacceptable and deleted it, buying me a digital copy online and downloading it, not that I'm complaining.

Okay Sayori, you know how to do this, you've seen him do it countless times. Search for the file name. Breathe Underwater? Its in a folder called S220518. Is that a date? Its just over a week after we became a couple. Two text documents and the song are all that are in this folder. I click the song for it to play and open the newer of the two text documents, Simply titled I'm sorry.

Before I even start reading, the sombre tone and lyrics of the song have already hit me in the stomach. What the hell is this.. This is the kind of song you would listen to if you were going to.. Starting to read the note, line by line I feel more and more sick.

_If this note is being read, Then it's because I couldn't give her what she needed._

_I did everything I could, but I still couldn't put a smile on her face or in her heart._

_My best was not good enough and it cost me the light in my life._

_She picked me up when I was down, but I couldn't do the same._

_I wasn't strong enough to carry her when she needed me._

_To whoever finds this and in turn, finds me. To you and everyone else._

_I'm Sorry._

_Masato Chousokabe_

The moment I've finished the note, I can't keep it in any longer. Almost sprinting to his bathroom I make it just far enough to the sink before I'm sick. Looking up at myself in the mirror, my eyes have gone red and puffy and I'm trembling. My hands shaking violently because of what I just read. That note was about me. About what he would do if I had tried again and not have been stopped. He said he had suffered nightmares about that night, as I had after he showed me. Had they really frightened him this much? That the surrounding what if scenarios in his own head drove him to plan this just in case? As my breathing begins to calm, I make my way back over to the computer. Looking at the second text document, date created 17th of November 2015. That's around the time he..

I'm struggling to bring myself to open it. If the other note is anything to go by then this is what he wrote from back then. Don't read it Sayori, it's in the past. Nothing good will come of this. Walk away. I turn off the computer to make sure I don't read it. I finish getting ready, rinsing out my mouth with water then brushing my teeth. This certainly isn't how I saw my morning going.

The whole walk to school is pretty silent, or at least I think it was. I was in a world of my own, with those words on the screen playing over and over in my head. Every time I come to the same answer. It was more than just nightmares, and I did that to him. Class goes more or less the same as the walk here, I'm there in body but not mind. Drifting through the halls between classes, thankfully not being singled out by teachers for spacing out. By now news of what happened has gone round most of the school, avoiding people in the club room during lunch break was a pretty good idea by Monika.

Walking towards the building the clubroom is in, I stop before I reach the door, under a tree. Looking at the ground in front of me, this is where we used to have lunch together. Being in our final year, people had habits and routines, this was ours. Even with him not here, people didn't sit here. Stood here I can painfully see moment after moment playing in my head. From us eating together, laughing together, to him leaning against the tree and me leaning against him.

_I'm Sorry._

I can't take this, I have to see him. To tell him I had found it. Turning away from the clubroom building, I head to the exit. Normally we aren't allowed out of school during hours, but with what happened. The four of us had been given temporary permission to go home should we find things becoming too overwhelming. We had agreed that we would try not to use it, up until now none of us had. Arriving back home, I change out of my uniform and quickly into some light blue jeans and a strawberry red ¾ length sleeve top, before long I've grabbed everything I need and closing the door behind me.

The bus ride seems shorter than normal, likely down to the time of day. Stopping only at the door to his room. Reaching out for the door handle has never been harder than it is right now, wave after wave of doubt and worry weighing my arm down. Eventually I manage to force my hand to the handle and pushing open the door. Entering the room and walking to his bedside, he's asleep. I can wait, they have a chair I can rest on while I do.

  
Slouching down into the chair, I rest my head against the wall. Opening my eyes and checking my phone to find just over an hour has passed since I arrived. Standing up I walk over to his bedside table, taking the things he had asked me to pick up for him on the side. The sound of the book hitting the table causing him to stir and open his eyes.

MC: “Hey you. Is it that late already? Guess I slept a bit more than I thought I would.”

S: “I brought the bits you asked for.”

MC: “You're the best, I knew I could count on you.”

I can't help but smile at how legitimately grateful he is. I can imagine being stuck in here is driving him crazy. Should I really tell him? Would it not be better to wait until he at least gets home first? Sitting up a little, he checks his phone for messages from the others, noticing what time it is as he does.

MC: “You should still be in school right now, is something wrong? Are you alright?”

S: “Are you?”

MC: “I'm stuck in a hospital room and struggle walking to the bathroom, I've never felt so alive, barely.”

S: “Why do you turn everything into a joke? Especially this.. There isn't anything funny about this..”

MC: “What's wrong? Normally me joking about stuff doesn't bother you this much.”

S: “I..found your notes.. On your computer.. in the folder with that song..”

There are no jokes, nothing to try and hide behind. He is sat there with his eyes closed, either gathering his thoughts or hoping that he'll wake up again. Taking a deep breath and almost sighing as he breaths out. He reopens his eyes and looks straight at me.

MC: “I knew I shouldn't have kept them. You read them I take it?”

S: “I listened to the song and read the one from this year. I didn't read the older one. Why? Why didn't you tell me things were that bad.. I could of helped you..”

MC: “You would have blamed yourself for it Sayori, which would have led to exactly what I was afraid of. The last thing you needed then was to know about it. Its why I didn't tell you about the nightmares until you started getting them. I could not let anything push you back there. Especially not after what I had been wanting for as long as I can remember had finally happened. I'd been thinking about it since you did that stupid pocky thing to me. I was not about to let you go.”

With everything going on lately, I'd almost forgotten this feeling. Hearing that he had been wanting us to get together for almost as long as I had, I can feel the warmth being sent around my entire body by my heart. Reliving the memory of me convincing him to try the pocky game by playing to his competitive side, I was doing it for two reasons. The first being me properly trying to understand how I felt, the other being me taking a chance on what I thought was a vain hope of me trying to awaken those feelings in him. A chance that of his admission actually worked.

MC: “When you get home, I want you to delete them. All 3 of them. I'm not going to argue about why I chose to write it in the first place. Look at this week for example, what if I hadn't reached here in time? What would you have done?”

I can't reply to that. If anything had happened to him I'd... I can feel the realization snap in my head. I'd have done exactly what he was prepared to do... He's right... he really does know me too well..

There is a long awkward pause. I don't even want to look away from my own shoes. He knows he is right but doesn't want to say it. I know he is right but don't want to admit it. Breaking the silence, he changes the topic.

MC: “Your dad and I managed to sort out arrangements for tomorrow, he knows you are coming with us too when you get out of school. I'm being allowed to go given the reason, under the condition that one of the staff who know my case comes with us to keep an eye on me.”

S: “I was worried sick that you would miss it. Are you sure about me standing with you though? I'd understand if you would want to be alone first.”

MC: “Just let the others know not to come here tomorrow during club time, as you and I won't be here, and of course I'm sure about it. How else am I going to tell him he was right?”

Final year of high school, just like he said to my parents. His father had more faith in me than I had in myself. So I'm going to do everything I can to make him proud. Of both of us.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Chapter 21**

Waiting outside the school gates for my dad to pick me up, its certainly been a while since I felt this anxious about something. I know nothing bad is going to happen, Why am I so worried? I just need to be there. Like he has asked me to, I let the others know what was going on, so that they wouldn't make the trip to the hospital to find him missing. As the car pulls up, I see MC sitting in the front passenger seat in some clothes my dad has gotten for him, and what looks to be a male nurse sitting in the back seat.

It's a quiet trip to the cemetery, nobody wanting to make small talk. Thankfully its a clear day, small clumps of white and grey clouds swirling together across a bright blue canvas. Its not long before we arrive, parking up at the bottom of a small hill. Exiting the car first, I move round to MC's door to help him out of the car. I get the impression he wants to do it himself, trying to ignore my hand at first. But I am not about to let him do anything stupid, not now. Grabbing his arm as he slowly stands up, I put it around the back of my head so he can lean on me. As he stands up, he begrudgingly begins leaning on me slightly, why is he so afraid of coming across as vulnerable?

We slowly make our way up the slight incline, stopping when we are about half way there. Given that he has only had the level flooring of the hospital to walk on since getting back on his feet, MC is struggling a little, having to lean on me more than he wants to. Not that he would admit it. I turn to see my father lifting two bouquets of flowers out of the boot of the car, the nursing staff speaking with him but they are slightly too far behind us for me to make out what they are saying. Watching as the two of them begin making their way up the path behind us, I turn back to MC.

S: “You ready to keep going?”

MC: “Yeah. You don't have to carry me though. I can walk.”

S: “I don't have to, I choose to.”

Taken aback a little by the serious tone of my comment, he knows he isn't going to win this one. Pressing onward, we continue up the path until we are near the top. Turning off the main path up the hill into one of the smaller side paths that separates some of the rows. My father has caught up with us. Speaking with MC and the nurse about where they will wait for the two of us, agreeing that once we have finished, he will take a few moments himself at MC's fathers grave. Sometimes its easy to forget how close the two of our fathers used to be. Especially after his mother left. All of the bottled up emotion that neither of them would show around the two of us. I can't help but wonder what it was really like when we weren't around.

Taking one of the bouquets from my father, I turn around to find MC has already started to walk along the side path slowly. It doesn't take long to catch up with him and lift his arm back over my shoulder. I will not let him do this alone. Reaching his fathers grave, I lift his arm down from my shoulder so that he can stand, I run my hand down his arm until it reaches his hand, slowly linking my fingers through his. The slight squeeze I get in return lets me know that it's appreciated.

I can feel his grip on my hand tighten as he silently stares at the engraved marble. Despite it being a clear day, being on a hillside there is a strong cool breeze. Glancing over to him, watching as his hair flicks gently into and out of his eyeline. It would normally bother him, but he is completely unfazed. It's at times like this you can't help but reflect on things. For him it will be memories of his father.

For me though, seeing him stand here I'm flooded with thoughts of the two of us. How we have grown. From those two kids who live next door to each other, an almost unlikely friendship. Into kids who shared everything together. It feels like I'm rewatching him grow into the man he is now right before my eyes. Including all of our highest and lowest moments. From many of our trips away with my parents and his dad. To the moment he told me about his spiral into depression and attempt on his own life and back again to our trips this year with the others. His demeanour changing from the smiling happy go lucky childhood friend, to the less expressive but still warming smile I know and fell for. To right now. His expression is almost blank as he keeps everything inside. But I know all too well that you can't keep it inside forever. Closing his eyes for a few seconds, breathing in deeply and slowly letting it all out again.

MC: “It's hard to believe its been three years already, Dad. I used to feel like I'd wake up and find you downstairs in the kitchen already with your coffee. But it's been a while since I felt like that. It.. It has been a crazy year.. I started using all that old exercise stuff in the basement and looking after myself a bit better. I don't see the therapist anymore, I haven't since near the end of the school year last year. It took some convincing but I don't just hide away in the house, I even joined a club, made some new and already close friends, I even started singing again. I have Sayori to thank for all of it. You were right about us too. Final year of school, just like you said. I wish I had your confidence Dad. With all these good things happening this year, I should have acted on things sooner. Instead like the stupid child I am, I buried my head in the sand and it almost cost me the most important person in my life.”

He looks away from the grave, at the trees further up the hill. Pausing as he tries to keep his composure. As heart warming as it is to hear him thank me for all of those things. Does.. he blame himself for my suicide attempt..? Taking another deep breath, he gives me a small nod and a smile before continuing.

“But it didn't, and I have everything I could ever want. An actual social life, Great friends. A special someone who gives me the strength to keep going. I don't live alone anymore either. Sayori moved in, it wasn't every night to begin with, but it is now. And Natsuki too, you would have loved to meet her, she's become like family. I know you would have done the same thing, I try my best to be like you”

Another pause. This time he's tilted his head down to the floor with his eyes closed tightly. Holding back what few droplets I can see forming in his eyes. Don't do this to yourself Masato, I have an uneasy feeling I know where he is going with this, but I don't want to interrupt him. Not here of all places. With a silent reassurance I grip his hand tighter and rest my head against his arm. As he is about to continue, he lifts his left arm up and looks at his wrist.

“I'm not you though, and I don't think I can do it. I can't forgive her like you did. I blamed myself for this for too long, when she is the one that drove me to this, with her false promises. When I needed her most, all she did was lie to me. So when those accounts were moved into my name, to find out she still had links to my life at all made me feel sick and angry. I had to do it, cutting her off. I needed every trace of her gone. I'm sorry Dad, but I can't do it, I can't forgive her. I want to be a man like you.. that you can be proud of.. But that is the one thing I can't do..”

I can't let him beat himself up like this. I turn on the spot, moving to stand in front of him. Looking him in the eyes, I've seen him upset before. But to think he isn't someone his dad would be proud of hits him harder than almost anything. The last time I saw a look like this in his eyes, was when he saved me.. Letting go of his hand so I can rest mine on his cheek, drying his eyes with my thumb.

S: “He is proud of you, and always will be. He told you himself didn't he? Think of all the good things you've done this year. You saved me, You were there for both Natsuki and Yuri when they were in need. You threw yourself into danger to save people you care about, and you did save them. But you almost got yourself killed doing it. I've never met or known of anyone as selfless as you. Of course he would be proud of you, and you are going to keep making him proud.”

Turning back to how I was standing before once I'm sure the message got through, moving my hand from his face and wrap my arm around his, resting my head against him again, but so that I can stay looking up and him. That defeated look in his eyes seems to have faded.

MC: “We. We're going to keep make him proud.”

There is a calming quiet after he says that. Watching as his hair continues to flow in the wind, I can't help but feel a pleasant warmth in my chest at his choice of words. Letting go of his arm, I step forward and carefully place the bouquet in the small pot that rests in front of the headstone. Before slowly rejoining MC and taking hold of his hand again.

MC: “I miss you, Dad. You've left so much behind to me. But I'd give it all away if it meant I could have you back. I'm going to do my best to live like you did. To not let what I have define me. Possessions mean nothing without memories attached to them. So I'm going to do everything I can to make them worth remembering, then one day I'll tell you all about them. I do know one thing for certain though. We're going to need a lot more picture frames for all those memories.”

Turning to me with that smile I love on his face, letting me know that he wants to make those future memories with me. I can only bring myself to nod quietly, trying to fight back tears. I wasn't prepared for what he said. This whole moment has taken me by surprise, but I know for a fact it is exactly what I want too. To hear it from him has made me the happiest I've been for a while. After a few more minutes in silence, He squeezes my hand twice in quick succession to let me know he's done.

Lifting his arm around my shoulder again, we begin to make our way back along the the path towards my father. As we pass him, MC nods to him, to thank him for helping him make this happen. Nodding back, my father begins walking down the path to pay his respects. After a few questions by the nurse and a quick check of his bandages, the three of us begin heading back to the car at a pace suitable for MC. Waiting next to the car when we reach it, we turn to look back up the hill.

MC: “Thank you, for today.”

S: “You don't need to thank me, I'd stand with you through anything, you know that.”

MC: “It's not just the standing with me, it's everything. Even down to helping carry me up there.”

S: “You would carry me up there and more. If I can do anything to lighten your burden even a little I will. No matter how difficult.”

He pulls me into a tight embrace, cautiously I put my arms around him as well, making sure I don't go too near his injured side. Resting my head against his chest. I've missed this, the soothing rhythm of his heart beat. Closing my eyes as his hand playing with my hair just like when we lay together. I just want this to last forever..

The car journey back is as quiet as the one there. That moment before getting back into the car as comforting as it was, just reminds me how much I miss having him around, and how lonely I'm going to be tonight. I take my time getting out of the car when we arrive back at his house. Dropping me off before taking him back to the hospital. I move around to his passenger window and he puts it down. Leaning through his window I turn him to face me and give him a quick goodbye kiss followed by as best a hug as we can manage in this position.

S: “You better not over do it when I'm not there.”

MC: “I won't, I promise. I love you Sayori.”

S: “I love you too. Make sure you get some rest, yeah?”

MC: “Yeah.”

I can see my dad smiling slightly behind him. He stops the moment he knows I've seen him. Trying to put on an over protective father face instead. Stepping back, I stand on the footpath waving and watching until the car has turned at the end of the street, before letting out a quiet drawn out sigh. Turning to look up at the house that I'm about to enter alone.

You better come home soon.. I need you here..


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Chapter 22**

What he said to me at his dads grave has been playing on my mind for the last several weeks. It's now almost the second week of October, the summer holidays ended just over a month ago and he still isn't home. We have been trying to make sure he doesn't fall too far behind by bringing things in for him to do at the request of the teachers, much to his horror. I don't think Natsuki would ever live it down if he had to repeat the final school year because of what her father did to him.

Since Yuri's outburst in the clubroom about what happened, Natsuki hasn't been cold towards me. She might not blame me anymore, but that's not how I feel about it at all. I still feel like I'm to blame, even after he told me himself I'm not. Natsuki and I spent the evening just watching TV after visiting MC, he seems much better and is even a lot more mobile. They kept him in for longer due to the irregular shape and depth of the wound. But we still aren't sure when he is getting out.

We've been watching several episodes of one of Natsuki's cooking programs, specifically one based around desserts. Realizing that its now just after 11pm, we decide to call it a night. Heading upstairs and going our separate ways. Opening the door to his room, sighing quietly to myself as the door continues to open slowly as I let go of the handle. Even in my own head I can't bring myself to call it our room without him here. Getting changed for bed, I lay on my back staring at the ceiling, Unable to fall asleep.

Shifting my eyes to look around the room for something to blame, maybe its the amount of light coming in from the street lights outside? Sitting up and adjusting the blinds, moving them to sit facing the other direction. Pausing when they are open to look at the street below, lost to thoughts of us growing up together. From where I'm sat, in my head I can see a seven year old me and MC, walking along the wall, arms out either side for balance. He managed it with ease, jumping off the end of the wall and walking back a long to cheer me on as I struggled. I never could keep up with him, but he would never leave me behind. Losing my balance and falling off the wall into the street, only to be caught by him, who ended up grazing his knee in doing so. Yet I was the one who cried. Was I scared from the fall? Did I feel bad because MC hurt himself because of me?

I can't help myself from smiling, every memory, every moment like that lead us to what we have now. Smiling at how lucky I've been in life, to meet and grow up with the one I want to spend forever with from such a young age. Someone who would never allow me to feel like I was in their shadow. He always did hate being the centre of attention, which is exactly where he has been since the end of the summer.

Pulling the string of the blinds, finishing closing them over, I fall back down to stare again at the ceiling. I can't keep doing this.. I can't keep going to sleep alone.. I need him here.. Forcing myself to close my eyes and think of times we had spent together to try and calm myself. The comforting thoughts slowly give way to sleep.

I'm one of those people who dreams are heavily influenced by what they were thinking about just before sleeping and how they feel. Some nights I can have incredibly enjoyable trips and times that can put me in a good mood for the whole day. But it can be a mixed blessing, it is also heavily responsible for the awful sleepless nights, where I wake most of the night or outright refuse to go to sleep knowing what will happen. Tonight is one of those good nights, dreaming of that special day. Stepping out of a car, walking slowly across loose stones towards a large open wooden door at the top of a few steps. Looking down at myself, at my patterned white dress. My heart begins to race as I approach the door. Only to be interrupted by a loud noise.

Awakening to what sounded like a door almost slamming shut, I sit up and check my phone, 1.37am, well at least its a Friday night I don't need to worry about being kept awake. I takes me a moment, but I edge my way to the door to the hall, peeking my head around it slowly to see Natsuki doing the same from hers, the noise obviously woke her as well. Quietly stepping out into the hall, joined by Natsuki near the top of the stairs, she looks a little afraid, not that she would ever admit to it. Before we can even speak to each other, the TV downstairs comes on and its on a music channel. Followed by every speaker in the house coming to life and playing what was on the TV in every room. Looking at Natsuki, who is as confused as I am, the sudden change of her expression tells me she has come to the same thought I have. Only one person has this much control...

Running down the stairs as quickly as I can, stumbling a little as I reach the bottom. Managing to just about keep my balance, I freeze staring at the sofa. Immediately trying to fight back tears.

...He's finally home...

Sat as slouched as his injury will allow, with his feet up on the table that he has moved closer to the sofa which has two pizza boxes on it. He is sat looking back at me, with an even bigger pizza box sat on his lap and a slice hanging out of his mouth, one hand with another slice in it and the other he has his phone in that he used to control every speaker in the house, with it he gives me a playful half wave half salute. Throwing myself at his left side, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my head into his shoulder. Almost knocking the box off his lap, which he quickly grabs hold of and steadies.

S: “It's about time..”

He nods in agreement, mouth still full of pizza. Natsuki who also has a smile on her face starts to open one of the other pizza boxes.

N: “It's good to see you out of that room. We we're wonder how long it would be before... Hey what gives?!

MC has moved his foot to push the pizza box closed and shakes his head, followed up by pointing at the kitchen table. As we both glance round to see two more pizza boxes on the kitchen table.

N: “You bought five pizzas? And you plan on eating three of them by yourself?”

Nodding as he finishes his mouthful, as he goes to take another bite, I lean forward and take a bite of the slice he was holding. Only to find a very unimpressed MC looking back at me.

MC: “I've had to live on hospital food for almost a month and a half. I'm eating three pizzas. Those ones over there are yours. I dunno which is which, they did put your names on the labels though.”

N: “Did you really need to close the door so loudly though?”

MC: “Have you ever tried to close a door with your foot while carrying and balancing five pizzas?”

Hospital food in Japan is by no means bad, but I can understand where he is coming from. I can't remember the last time he went that long without some form of junk food. Natsuki walks over to the kitchen table and lifts both of them, bringing them over to the sofa. Looking at the labels on the end of the boxes as she walks back over.

N: “It even says what's on them. Chicken, bacon and roquito pearl peppers on sweet chilli sauce and stuffed crust for Sayori, and Steak, peppers and nacho cheese for cu.. you son of a bitch.”

MC: “Pretty sure that's not what it says, but yes I am and you're welcome.”

N: “Your home not even 10 minutes and you are already trying to find reasons for me to put you back in that hospital.”

MC: “Well if we want to get technical about this, I did this before I got home.”

Gritting her teeth and glaring straight at him, Natsuki closes her eyes, and breathes out loudly before smiling and opening her eyes again.

N: “It's good to have you home, Dummy. I've almost missed this.”

MC: “Is it now?”

S: “Yes, yes it is. More than you know.”

Settling down on the sofa either side of him, he turns off the speakers in the other rooms. MC decides on putting on something called Monty Python, after almost seeming disgusted that neither Natsuki or myself had ever seen or barely even heard of it. Not that we made it very far into the film at all. Putting his arm around me as I cuddle in a close as I can. After we finished eating it wasn't long before I drifted off to sleep again, I finally didn't have to be alone.

Waking the next day to giggling, lazily opening one eye to see my dad standing near the front door with Monika and Yuri the other side of the table. He must have seen them outside and let them in. Monika is holding her phone sideways in her hands, pointed straight at us. Having a picture taken of this scene doesn't bother me, but I know of two people it would. Tilting my head just a little so I don't wake MC, I can see he was half leaning against me, while a cushion is propped up against his leg with Natsuki's head on it, the rest of her curled up in almost a tiny ball the other side of him. I can feel my lips shaking as I try not to begin giggling myself. They are not going to like this one bit.

Carefully taking his phone out of his hand, checking what time it is. To my surprise its almost 10am, I guess having him here really did help me sleep. Even with how we were on the sofa I didn't wake up once. Doing what I can to stand up without disturbing either MC or Natsuki, I join Monika and Yuri on the other side of the table, pointing out the label on Natsuki's pizza box, which Monika quickly adds to the small collection of pictures taken. Tapping a few more times on her screen before hearing Yuri's, Natsuki's and MC's phones all ding within seconds of each other. Watching as Natsuki sleepily pulls her phone out of her pocket, not realizing where she is. The sight of her newly received image seems to wake her up, sitting up quickly and looking around for somebody to blame for this. Lifting the cushion she was resting on and hitting MC with it. Causing him to jolt awake, which by the looks of it hurt as he starts holding his side. Natsuki showing him her phone screen out of anger.

MC: “What did I do?!”

N: “Why couldn't you come home at a normal time?! Now look what happened!”

MC: “Why were you sleeping on me?! You have a bed you know!”

N: “I'm not the one who woke the whole house up at nearly 2am!”

SD: “That's a good point, why did you leave during the night? I thought you wanted to come home later today?”

S: “You knew he was getting out today?”

MC: “I was keeping it a secret so I could surprise you, but I just needed to get out of there the moment they said I could, I was going crazy.”

N: “So you decided to wake both of us up the moment you got home?”

MC: “I brought you food didn't I?”

SD: “Fair enough, thank you for at least letting me know. Now if you'll excuse me, Sayori, if you need me I'll be with your mother, call either of us. We're heading out for the day.”

S: “Will do.”

As my dad closes the door behind him, suddenly remembering what it said on her label, Natsuki jumps to her feet and grabs the empty boxes, pretending she is doing it to tidy up. Bringing the boxes over to the side, she separates the boxes, putting what MC didn't finish into a single box and into the fridge. With an almost look of relief on her face as she makes her way towards the bin in the back garden.

M: “I already got a picture of the label.”

Stopping as she is about to step out the door, turning her head slowly to face MC, what was a look of relief is now a very familiar scowl. She doesn't say a word, but she doesn't need to. That expression tells us all we need to know. That she will get him back for this. Sitting back down next to MC and cuddling back in next to him as he puts his arm back around me. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Yuri turn away and head towards the kitchen. With it now being October, she is back to wearing her jumpers. I'm not going to deny that how strangely possessive she became of that shirt bothered me a little, but it did seem to help her cope with the situation. He told her himself she could keep it. Did that give it even more meaning than it just being borrowed way to cope?

Watching as Yuri stands making drinks for everyone, I can't help but notice her glance over her shoulder several times. Is she looking at the group? Or just..? Stop it Sayori, you are just being silly. Yuri wouldn't do anything like that. She is happy for you both. She's just glad he's home. That must be it.

I hope..


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song used in this chapter.  
> Starset - Halo

**Chapter 23**

Saturday, Sunday and Monday night, the three best nights sleep I've had since we became a couple. After sleeping in a single hospital bed for over a month, he was happy to lay on his back, I swapped to his left side instead of the right where I normally sleep. I thought at first it might take some getting used to, but getting to lay on his chest and listening to the harmonious beat of his heart. Much like on the sofa the night he got home. I slept right through, no waking due to horrible dreams.

It might be a while yet until things are back to normal, he's still a good bit slower than he was. He did however want to try going to school on Monday. It was certainly a struggle for him, starting right at the beginning of the day. When he had to try and ignore a lifetime of wearing his backpack by a single strap over his right shoulder, he ended up giving up before leaving the house and switching to a shoulder bag that he could wear on his right shoulder and rest on his left side. When we got home after he wouldn't admit how tired he really was. I know he is pushing himself too far for a sense of normality. I warned him of this the first day I saw him awake. Hoping that by telling him not to he might listen.

The bell finally rings to signal the end of classes for the day. Being a Tuesday I begin making my way to the therapists office, only to find a note on the door saying Dr. Aiza is off sick today. Maybe I should just go home? MC will be there after all, I said to him not to bother with the music club until he felt more like himself. Walking past row after row of lockers, I see Natsuki at her locker speaking to Yuri. Natsuki is the first to see me and waves as I come closer.

N: “Hey Sayori, we were about to go to the library for Yuri to pick something up before heading home. Fancy joining?”

Y: “We won't be long. I know what I'm looking for, so it will a couple of minutes.”

S: “Sure, lead on Yuri.”

Walking further down the hall we find Monika, who agrees to go with us. As we get closer to the library, we can hear some of the music club performing in one of the halls. I can hear a guitar gently being strummed, getting the first few cords of a song like someone else is preparing to start to join in. I've heard from MC that this is generally how they decide what song they are going to perform next. Sure enough its joined by a gentle drum beat and what sounds like violin. Finally the vocals start....

That voice... I'd know it anywhere.. He's supposed to be at home resting!

A quick glance to Monika tells me she recognises it too. As we approach the hall the song restarts for everyone to start together. I've never heard the song before, but the lyrics are unlike anything I thought I'd ever hear from him.

_I can see you running, running_

_Every night from the same darkness_

_It's coming, coming_

_But you are not alone_

_If you just say the word_

_I'll be there by your side_

_You make me more_

_You make me superhuman_

_And if you need me to_

_I will save you._

N: “Who is that? Whoever it is sounds cute.”

Y: “I don't believe I've heard this person before, they must be new. I normally hear them a lot on my way to the library.”

M: “They sound cute do they Nats? You can tell that just by sound can you?”

S: “No I'm with Natsuki on this, whoever this is I bet they are cute.”

Another glance at Monika shows that she is trying her best like myself not to reveal anything just yet. As much as I want to charge in there and drag him off the stage so he can rest, I cannot wait to see the look on her face when she gets to see who it is. As we approach the door it gets harder to keep a straight face. Resting my hand on the door to the side of the hall, this door should bring us to the side of the stage, where she will be able to see clear as day who it is. Oh this is going to be good..

I gently open the door.

N: “Jeez hurry it up a little Sayori, You might have a boyfriend already but some of us want to see the cute guyaaagghhghgh WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING THERE?"

S: “I dunno Natsuki, I think you were right. He is pretty cute.”

N: “Shut up. I didn't say a thing.”

M: “Really? Cause it sounded a whole lot like you said they sounded cute.”

N: “Not a word. Any of you. He can absolutely not know what I said.”

M: “That depends, what do we get out of it?”

S: “Some baked goods for the club meetings would be great.”

M: “Now that is a good idea.”

N: “I will bake for every club meeting for the rest of the year if you both promise not to say a thing.”

S: “Deal.”

Now that could not have gone better, her reaction was priceless and we get Natsuki baking for us! Smiling as we continue to watch from the doorway, listening to him sing. I'm going to have to ask him what this is, unlike everything else he listens to this is actually quite sweet.

_Send out the signal and I'll fly low_

_If it means the death of me, I won't let go_

_And if I'm lost in the worlds shadows_

_I'll use the light that comes to me_

_From your halo_

_When you're backed against the wall_

_I could be the one who's always there to break your fall_

_You are not alone_

_You're the sun, you're the day_

_The light that guides me through_

_Never run, run away_

_I will save you._

Save me.. You've already done that. I really have to ask him to sing this for me at home. Taking a quick look around at the others to see how they are reacting, I feel oddly proud that they have finally all got to see his hidden talent. Monika seems to know the song as she is nodding along to the beat and mouthing the lyrics. She already knew from our trip away, but on the balcony he was keeping his voice down, this is the first time she and the others have had the chance to hear him properly.

Natsuki despite her scowl is clearly impressed seeing that it is him, its funny and almost adorable how her face says wow! And I can't believe you've done this, at the same time. Yuri is.. breathing quite heavily.. and bright red in the face..? Her hand which she is holding quite near her face is a little shaky.. At the same time as I see her reaction, MC stops, which seems to break her almost fixated stare, her eyes shift to me. She knows I've seen. Her expression is like the one she wore when I walked in on her and MC months ago, like a child had being caught doing something they shouldn't. Turning to see why he has stopped, He is staring back at us. Noticing us seems to have made his performance anxiety kick in. As the others begin to stop playing as well, he steps back and disappears behind the stage curtain, underneath you can just about make out what direction he went. It looks like he is coming to us.

Without saying a word, Yuri turns and begins walking away quickly. Which doesn't go unnoticed by the others, Natsuki follows after her pointing out the library is the other direction. Before long the two of them are round the corner and out of sight.

M: “It's worse than I thought.”

S: “Worse than you thought? You saw it too?”

M: “I've known for a little while.”

S: “A little while? How long exactly?”

M: “Truthfully, I saw it the moment he walked in the club room for the first time. But out of respect for you, she didn't do anything about it.”

S: “Was how I felt about him really that obvious?”

M: “Yes, it was.”

Monika lets out a small sigh, she doesn't like to feel like she is gossiping. Its one of the main reasons she founded the literature club, to get away from all the faux politics and rumour mills the other clubs had become. She looks at the floor for a brief moment before looking back up to me. Like what she is about to say is stirring thoughts in her head of things she doesn't want to remember.

M: “The night.. it happened.. when he was..”

S: “Yeah..?”

M: “Afterwards, when you had fallen asleep.. when the two of us were at the kitchen table.. She mentioned something about how MC had been helping her with something. She wouldn't say what.. But it was pretty clear it meant a lot to her, and I mean A LOT.”

S: “I know what she is talking about, what he helped her with, but that doesn't explain the sudden change in how she feels.”

M: “Sayori.. in the nights after, when we were all staying over at MC's so we could all be near each other.. I could hear her crying in her sleep... and while she was awake.. That night was bad for all of us.. and I think it did more damage than she is willing to tell us..”

S: “But she is the one responsible for him still being here. That should've made her happy, right..?”

M: “Whatever MC had been helping her with, it was more of an inspiring presence sort of help, than a physical help. At least that's how it sounded. I think.. the reality of almost losing that presence. Has played havoc on her emotional state. I don't think she knows how she feels right now.”

This is not what I needed to hear at all. But what am I supposed to do about this? I can't tell Yuri she can't see or speak to MC or vice versa. They are friends after all, and I dread to think of what harm she would inflict on herself. Do I do nothing? Would that be worse? Does she feel like I'm rubbing how close I am to him in her face?

I have no idea what to do. I feel like I should speak to MC about this.. but what if..

**What if he likes her more than me.**

Stop it, you know how he feels. He has felt the same way as you for years.

**Maybe I'm not what he thought I'd be.**

That's not true.. He knows you better than anyone Sayori.. Don't do this..

Pulling me away from the self depreciating voice that had starting to take hold. Like a lifeline when I need it most, I'm brought back to the moment by his hand on my shoulder. Jumping a little at the sudden touch.

MC: “Are you alright? You looked like you had spaced out a little.”

S: “Yeah... Yeah I'm good.”

MC: “Where did Natsuki and Yuri go? I swear they were here a second ago.”

M: “Yuri needed to get something from the library, Natsuki went with. They said not to wait around, you know what she can be like around books.”

MC: “Fair enough. Who's up for going out for a milkshake?”

S: “Oh!! Me!!”

M: “I'll pass, its a bit cold for..”

MC: “It's indoors and they do a coffee one.”

M: “Sold, I'll text the others and invite them to join us when they are done.”

As if she can tell that would make me uncomfortable after what we had just talked about, she looks at me and nods. It is the right thing to do. She's right, she's always right. I can't let this get to me, not only for my sake but the groups sake. Feeling his fingers interlock with mine, followed up by a gentle peck on my cheek. He begins to lead the way out into the corridor and towards the exit.

MC: “Come on, that place has a pain au chocolat and a cinnamon swirl with your name on them.”

S: “I love it when you speak French to me.”

MC: “Sayori the only French words I know are the pastries I end up ordering for you.”

S: “And that's all I need.”

Hugging his arm tightly we both end up laughing as we walk towards the exit. Monika joining in, trying to hide her laughter by shaking her head at us.

He really does know the best way to my heart.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**Chapter 24**

It's been a few weeks since the others got to see MC performing. Even though they know now, it hasn't done anything for his performance anxiety. Of his own admission its unusual, he can perform in front of the others in the music club, because what they think of him doesn't bother him, but change that to somebody he knows and he struggles.

Yuri has been a little distant from me in both club meetings and outside of school. She hasn't been cold or hostile towards me though. She definitely knows that I noticed. Natsuki and Yuri didn't join us after school that day, Natsuki messaged saying she felt something was bothering Yuri, so she spent the rest of the day with her. Not coming home until after 10pm, MC walked to meet her to make sure she got home alright, she insisted she met him part way home and not wait for him to reach Yuri s place, playing it off as her own stubbornness, but it was clearly for Yuri's sake. MC has his moments of when he can be quite tuned into things and be able to tell what's going on relatively easily. This isn't one of them, the fact it took the two of us four years to even know how the other felt is a pretty solid testament to that.

I want to ask Natsuki what Yuri told her, but it doesn't feel right. Prying for answers like this. Maybe I should meet up with Yuri and talk about it? I'm still as confused about how to approach this as I was then. I think I'll message her, see if she'll meet me for lunch. Laying on my back staring at the ceiling, I finally decide to get out of bed, MC must have let me sleep in instead of waking me, he's not in the room at all. As I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, my feet have only just touched the floor before the door swings open.

N: “Sayori, I've tried to tell him to stop but he won't listen.”

S: “Stop what? What's wrong?”

N: “MC he's in the basement using his punchbag.”

S: “....Not again”

Leaping to my feet, and heading down both sets of stairs as quickly as my still asleep legs will carry me. This is the third time this week I've had to stop him doing this. Reaching the bottom of the basement stairs, just as she said, he's stood there, striking the back with varying speeds and strengths. I push past him and stand in his way, forcing him to stop.

S: “Again, Really?”

MC: “I'm fine, Sayori.”

S: “You aren't fully recovered and you know it.”

MC: “Well maybe I wouldn't need to be recovering at all if I could have just dealt with it there and then.”

S: “Are you seriously blaming what happened on yourself? You weren't responsible for what happened at all.”

MC: “Neither were you, but you still blame yourself for it.”

S: “I.... You... You got hurt.. because of something I didn't do.. So Yes I blame myself..”

MC: “That's like me saying I got hurt because I wasn't able to stop it before it went that far.”

He puts his arms around me and brushes the back of my hair with his hand, the gloves he is wearing are quite coarse, but it's a strangely satisfying feeling. But it isn't enough to stop me thinking of what he said. He is blaming himself because he feels like he failed to protect Natsuki, beating himself up over what he said to her during our trip away. As he moves his arms to let go, stopping and resting both hands on my shoulders and looking me directly in the eyes, smiling. Before turn away and beginning to take off the gloves.

S: “Just promise me you'll try to stop over doing it. I don't want to see you get hurt again.”

MC: “Stop worrying so much, I'm fine now.”

S: “No you are not, You are far from it. I still see you flinching in pain at times.”

MC: “I'm getting there, but please try not to worry so much, You'll go grey and that'll be my fault too.”

S: “I'm serious, I know you think you feel fine, but a full recovery is going to take a while. I don't want to keep nagging you like a mo...”

You idiot Sayori. You absolute idiot. Of all the things to say, especially to him. Even though I stopped myself, it wasn't quick enough. He could tell what I was going to say and I could physically see him wince as I stopped.

S: “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.. I didn't mean it like that.”

MC: “It.. It's fine.. You'd be an infinitely better mother than her anyway.”

I'd what?!

Without giving me a chance to react, he continues up the stairs and out of the basement. Completely unaware of how impactful what he just said would be. I want to run up those stairs and argue back, how I think I'd be terrible and that the idea of it scares the hell out of me. It scares me that much that I'm rooted to the spot. Does this mean... He's thought about having a family of his own someday..?

When you harbour the kind of resentment he does, it must only be natural to think about things like this. That refusal to ever allow something like that to repeat itself. Did he really mean what he said? He thinks that I'd be.. Do I even want..? I have no idea how long I've been stood here or how long since he went up stairs. Thoughts running rampant in my head to the point where I feel like I'm having to remind myself to just breath. Looking down at my own hands as they shake violently, slowly curling up into unclenched fists as I lower them to my sides. Closing my eyes and regaining control, one deep breath after another. I begin to make my way back upstairs. If I ever did decide to, there is nobody I'd rather walk that path with.

Once my hands have stopped shaking, I message Yuri, to arrange to meet up. Looking at the timestamp on our last messages to each other outside of the club group chat, the last time we messaged each other was before she saw him on stage.

_“Hey, I know this is a little out of the blue, but do you want to meet me at the cafe near the park? We kinda need to talk.”_

It takes a few minutes, but she does reply. If she was anything like me, those minutes were probably spent writing and deleting messages over and over.

_“I know. I can meet you there around Two, if that's alright?”_

_“Two is good, I'll see you there.”_

Almost immediately I'm second guessing myself. Is this really the right way to go about this?

I'm the first to arrive, but only by a couple of minutes. Greeting Yuri as she approaches from the park exit nearby. I'd be lying if I said the mood wasn't tense or awkward. We make our way inside, ordering some warm drinks. Myself going for a Hazelnut hot chocolate, Yuri ordering a new kind of green tea she's never tried before, Genmaicha. The drinks don't take long, but it feels like we are waiting for them to arrive before we start.

Cupping the mug in both of my hands, thinking about how to start this. This is Yuri I'm talking to, too direct a comment and things could spiral. Like me, she doesn't deal with conflict brilliantly. We don't have Natsuki's ability to stand her ground in an argument, or Monika's experience from the debate club.

S: “I want you to be honest with me Yuri, that day before the festival. Did I interrupt the two of you?”

Y: “I've asked myself the same thing, and if I'm being honest, to both you and myself. No, I don't think you did.”

S: “You mean the two of you weren't going to..?”

Y: “As much as I wanted it to happen that day. I've come to accept that it wasn't going to be.”

S: “You wanted it to happen.?”

Y: “Given that in my head I thought I'd finally found someone who understands me, I don't think he picked up on any of the moments that happened that day, even if he was the one to cause them.”

S: “Yeah.. that is certainly something I've had more than a few times over the years. Sometimes he can seem so sharp and attentive, other times he's so oblivious.” I say letting out a slight laugh as I exhale, thinking back to the comment he made this morning.

Y: “I thought I had things under control Sayori. I really did.. I could see how happy the two of you were, and even if I was a little jealous, I was happy for you both.. But when he got.. I was so afraid. Afraid I'd lose the one person who knows what its like to do this.. The one person who was guiding me away from it.”

S: “I understand, Yuri.”

Y: “You..do?”

S: “You see in him what I do. Don't you. The selfless, caring person he is.”

Y: “I suppose I do.”

We are interrupted by one of the extra chairs at our table sliding backwards, at first I thought it was just someone moving it to another table for them to use. Only to be proved wrong when they sit down at our table and join us, placing their elbows on the table and resting both hands under her chin. Two golden plaits running down either side of her, along with two piercing teal eyes looking right through me.

Mi: “What a sweet conversation, I hope I'm not interrupting.”

S: “You kind of are, Miko.”

Mi: “That's a shame, I was hoping to. Hang out.”

No.. Please no... This can't be happening...She has read my file.. That was not some off the cuff remark. While to anyone else it would just sound like A normal conversation. Her words were chosen carefully. Aimed directly at me to do as much damage as she could with it, and it worked. I've tensed up completely. Trapped watching a smile slowly spread across her face, knowing that it hurt.

Mi: “I just wanted to join in giving MC praise too, so talented. A definite Cut, above the rest.”

Turning her eyes to Yuri, what she has just done to me she has now done to her. Yuri who recently started seeing Dr. Aiza as well. What have I done.. I'm the one that convinced her to do it.. Now I'm stuck watching that horrible smile grow even more as she enjoys another barbed comment.

S: “What do you want..”

Mi: “Well I couldn't help overhearing you both, and it seems like you are having a problem, after all, just like my mother I feel like its my duty to help.”

Y: “We are fine, we do not need your help.”

Mi: “Oh but I insist, and its quite effective help too. By the sounds of it, the root of your problem here is MC.”

S: “Yuri is right, we don't need your help Miko.”

Mi: “Come now, where is the gratitude. Here I am offering to take your problem off your hands. In fact, that is exactly what I'm going to do.”

S: “Oh you think so do you? That is Not going to happen.”

Y: “Sayori calm down.”

I hadn't noticed how angry I had started to get. The idea of her doing something to jeopardise our relationship had caused me to become extremely defensive.

Mi: “The way I see things, MC has one big weakness, and I can use that to get whatever I want.”

Y: “And what would that be? He is a strong, caring man. He wouldn't do what you want.”

S: “So what is his weakness then, Miko. Do tell.”

Watching as the cruel smile on her face grows to become almost smug, as she turns her eyes back to me.

Mi: “You. Both of you actually. But especially you, Sayori.”

I want to lean over this table and slap her. I've never hit anyone out of anger before in my life, but she is making my blood boil and she knows it. I can't act because of what she knows, which is exactly why she is doing this.

Mi: “It's quite simple really. I get what I want, or the whole school finds out about both of you. What you have done. Seeing as he is such a caring, selfless person as you say. He will go along with it too, because as I said. His weakness, is you.”

I look over to Yuri, her eyes are the same as mine. Afraid. We've been backed completely into a corner. Whatever sick game she is playing it feels like its checkmate after one turn. She has been planning this, making sure the time was right before acting.

S: “What is it you want...”

Watching as she lifts her head as she stands to walk away from the table. Her teal eyes almost begin glowing as she seems to revel in the discomfort and pain she is inflicting. I feel like I already know the answer to this question, asking only to hope that I'm wrong.

Mi: “Him.”


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**Chapter 25**

As I get home, those words are swirling around my head like a hurricane. Would this all have been avoided if I hadn't asked Yuri to meet me? I want to believe that's the case, but it's obvious she has been planning this for some time. Going to the trouble of reading my file and Yuri's, who's only would have been made recently.

“Here I am offering to take your problem off your hands. In fact, that is exactly what I'm going to do.”

The look on her face as she answered my question, of what she wanted from us. In her mind she had already won. If there was anything or anyone I would do everything I can to keep hold of and protect, it's him, and I know he feels the same way about me. But that right now is exactly the problem. To protect me, to keep secret the mistake I made. That is how she is going to get to him.

I'm his weakness...

“You. Both of you actually. But especially you, Sayori.”

Especially You.

She knows he is willing to suffer to protect those around him, and with how our relationship is now. The level he would be willing to endure for my sake, could push him to breaking point again. I can't let that happen. Walking in the door, it only takes one look from him as he sits on the sofa, he knows me too well. He can tell something is wrong.

I tell him everything that happened, leaving out the real reason I was meeting Yuri. In his usual fashion he tells me that we will figure something out and that I don't need to worry, despite my protests. He jokingly plays it off that he is just surprised girls like him at all, referring to both Miko and myself. It isn't until we are getting into bed that he fully grasps how afraid this situation is making me.

S: “What if.. you like her more than me..”

MC: “There isn't anyone who could replace you.”

S: “If she tells people.. about Yuri and me..”

MC: “How much does she know exactly?”

S: “She read our files... she knows everything...”

MC: “Has she read mine?”

S: “She didn't say.. I don't think she has.. It wouldn't be labelled MC.”

MC: “Pretty sure she doesn't know my full name.”

S: “I'm scared Masato.”

MC: “Of Miko?”

S: “Of losing everything. Of losing you.”

MC: “That won't happen. I promised I wouldn't ever let you go, and so did you.”

Pulling me in closely, laying as we often do. The normally comforting beat of his heart sends almost deafening worry around my head. I can do nothing but watch him sleep. Every part of me doesn't want to go in tomorrow, but I know me being there or not won't change what's going to happen. Begrudgingly, my eyes shut and refuse to reopen. The next thing I know he is waking me by brushing my hair out of my eyes with his fingers.

The walk to school is as uneventful as always. We walked hand in hand as we have done for months. Natsuki and MC doing their best not to argue for my sake, as unsuccessfully as always. Maybe he is right, nothing to worry about. At least that's how it felt until we reached the entrance. She waited at the gate for us. The sight of her alone makes me squeeze his hand tightly, with him squeezing back trying to wordlessly tell me to calm down.

Mi: “Good morning MC.”

MC: “Yeah, Hi.”

He might have been the one she addressed, but her eyes did not shift from me. Those unsettling Teal eyes, staring right through me. All of the anxiety and worry from last night rising to the surface. Taking hold of his arm both for comfort and in defiance. The last time I did this in front of her was when I first met her. I could tell she hated it then, but this time its almost if she found it amusing.

The day drags in slowly, sitting with MC at lunch in our spot under the tree, the grass is dry but given that it is early November it is quite cold. Without telling me, MC had packed that hoodie of his I used for comfort when he was in hospital, seeing as its too small for him now, it may as well have been mine. Placing it over my legs like a blanket as I sit across his legs to avoid the cold ground. It's moments like this that show me how much he thinks of me, how much he actually cares. He knows he could have brought a blanket, but he chose to bring this, an item that means something to us both personally.

Sat eating our lunch together in our normal fashion. Sandwiches made with left over Tonkatsu. He knows It's something I love that we don't have often. It took Natsuki making extras of the extras for any to last long enough to become lunches. Without even asking, he leaves his last one for me. Leaning in against him, resting my head on his the front of his shoulder, his arms supporting me so that I can finish eating without having to worry about balancing myself. These are the moments I'm afraid of losing.

More classes drag by, I don't think I've ever been first out of a classroom before when the final bell rings, I just want to get home. Waiting just inside the entrance to the building my final class was in, I know that his final class was two floors above mine. I stand watching the staircase like a hawk, finally he comes around the corner and goes to come down the last flight of stairs, smiling when he sees me. As I smile back, something above him catches his attention. He stops where he is, eyes looking upwards. It looks like he is glancing between me and whoever made him stop, he hasn't said anything back. As he turns to go back up the stairs, he signals to me that he'll be two minutes.

He doesn't seem too happy about being stopped, the same sort of facial expression he wore this morning when he replied to... no. no no no no no.

Almost dropping my bag behind me I break into a sprint up the stairs, I can't get to top of this flight quick enough. Looking down the hall to the left and then to the right, I can only see one door that looks like it isn't closed. I begin walking quickly towards it, not being able to tell if the loud noises echoing down the hall are my footsteps or my heart pounding, afraid of what I think might be happening.

Approaching the door, noticing that it is slowly closing. No matter how much I try to speed up the door closes before I get to it. Reaching out my hand to place it on the door to push it back open, as my fingertips brush the door I hear an unsettling click from the other side. No amount of pushing will change what just happened.

I look up from my hand on the door to the thin pane of glass running up the middle, to see two teal eyes staring back at me. Helplessly having to watch as that cruel smile from the cafe returns, reaching up with her left arm, to pull the blind on the door down slowly, methodically slow. Making sure to leave enough room so that I can see that MC is stood several feet behind her, next to the board, with a confused look on his face, which shifts to concern when he notices me in the moment before losing sight of him.

No matter how much I would have loved to have kicked and banged on this door, it wouldn't have changed a thing. It wasn't going to open, and there was nobody around to hear it. I'm stuck waiting. Staring at this door until it opens. I'm stood with tunnel vision on the door, only to be snapped out of it after a few minutes, by my phone vibrating. Staring at my screen, I see that it says two new messages in the literature club group chat. Unlocking my phone and opening the chat. These are two things I didn't want to be seeing right now, a single message from MC.

“I'm sorry.”

MC has left the group.

As the inevitable messages of confusion from the others appear, knowing they all have their phones in hand. I do the only thing I can think of.

“I need help. Right now. Math building, top of the first flight of stairs.”

Monika is the first to arrive, followed by Natsuki and Yuri who arrive together, less than a minute later.

N: “You know you shouldn't really put out a message like that if you don't actually need help, Sayori.”

M: “I'm sure she has her reasons Nats, which she was about to tell us until you cut in.”

Before I can even think of anything to say. The door facing me clicks, everyone turns to face it as it opens. MC is the first person to walk out of the door, eyes fixated on the floor. All of the worry I had been trying to suppress begins to show itself, because I've seen this look on his face before..

Defeat..

He went into today knowing in advance, doing everything he could to try to keep me positive, telling me that nothing would happen. Yet in just a matter of minutes, all that confidence is gone. Replaced by doubt, leaving both of us unsure of how to proceed. Keeping his head down, his eyes shift upwards, looking out from behind his fringe. First to me, then to the others, landing back on me before going back down to the floor.

Mi: “I'm glad you could be made to see things my way.”

Miko appears from behind him, closing the door over as she exits the room. Not wanting to look at her, to see those eyes tear through me again. I look to the others, Yuri's expression is one of horror, she looks back at me knowing full well what has happened without being told. She got to him and we couldn't stop it. Monika is glaring angrily straight at Miko, with an instant understanding, almost like she has seen this situation before. Natsuki is glancing between MC and Miko, gradually looking more annoyed as she misreads the situation.

Without so much as a word, MC begins walking away. His stance and pace matching the look on his face. He doesn't get very far before being blocked by Natsuki, confusion across her face, but on seeing his eyes up close, her annoyed expression gives way to concern. I can see MC mouth the words “Please move” to her, quietly enough so only she can hear. Whatever it was about his tone to her, she steps to the side and lets him past, turning to face Miko. If Natsuki was anything to the people she cared about, it was aggressively defensive. Stepping forward immediately.

N: “What the hell did you do to him?!”

Mi: “Do? I did nothing. All we did was talk.”

N: “No way, I don't buy it. You did something.”

Mi: “Settle down there daddy issues, We had a friendly discussion about some things. Being the nice caring person he is, he quite quickly saw things my way.”

N: “Da... you.. I don't know who you are goldilocks, but you did something to hurt my friend and run your mouth at me. Which I am more than happy to realign for you.”

S: “You think you know him? You know NOTHING about him. You think he will do as you want him to? You aren't worth his time.”

Mi: “And you are? I did try to tell you, I can convince him to see things my way. All because of you.”

M: “So is this going to become your yearly thing then Miko? Try to rip another club and relationship apart because you get off on it? Or is this some sort of messed up revenge plot because you got stopped last time? And for the record, you of all people calling anyone daddy issues is laughable.”

Monikas comment about what she called Natsuki seems to have struck a nerve. Even if it only for the slightest of seconds, Mikos calm and collected state of mind shatters. Anger clearly visible before disappearing as she regains her composure.

Mi: “Oh Moni, you make me sound like such a bad person.”

M: “You are a bad person Miko. I don't know what you said to him, but you are going to stop it, now.”

Mi: “And why should I listen to you? Ishiro and I could have been very happy last year, but you ruined that too.”

M: “So whatever this is, it's to get back at me. Sayori and MC had nothing to do with that, they weren't even part of the debate club. I'm going to say this one more time. Leave. Them. Alone.”

Mi: “Oh it's already too late for that Moni. So no, I'm not going to. Given how spirited he was initially in there, He's probably going to try and argue with me at every turn. He even questioned if there was something wrong with me. So I'm going to enjoy breaking him, then he's all yours.”

The calm exterior for that last sentence disappeared, revealing that cruel smile that taunted me both in the cafe and through the window on the door. As she walks away, she looks away from staring at Monika for a moment, to me. My stomach tightening as that mocking smile widens, before she disappears down the corridor.

Leaving the four of us stood in silence. Monika stood with her fists clenched so tightly that her hands were shaking and her knuckles white. With the exception of the night MC got hurt, she has always been so calm and logical. Right now she is burning with anger.

I need to get home to him. Now.


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

**Chapter 26**

The four of us walk quickly, every step I have to hold back from starting to run. Don't panic, Sayori. That is exactly what she wants. If you panic you'll only make a mistake, and right now I cannot afford any more of those. Part of me was a little relieved to find out this whole thing was to get back at Monika for something that happened last year and that she wasn't interested in stealing MC. But to hear those words, “I'm going to enjoy breaking him, then he's all yours.” frighten me even more than if she was just trying to take him. I've seen where he goes when he falls, that can't be allowed to happen again. Not now, not after how far we've come.

What was a relatively clear day has become a miserable, dark afternoon. With heavy black clouds in the distance, slowly rolling in. Its definitely going to rain, but as Yuri would put it, it does feel like the foreshadowing of something bad. At the pace we are moving it doesn't take long to arrive home. Fumbling with my keys in my hand frustrated, it feels like it takes five times longer to open the door than normal. As the four of us enter into the living room. I can tell something's off. Looking around the room, no shoes, no bag.

Y: “Maybe he's upstairs?”

M: “I'll check, Natsuki can you check the basement? He might be using his punchbag to vent some frustration.”

N: “As if he hasn't done that enough lately”

S: “Stop. Don't bother.”

M: “Sayori?”

Y: “What do you mean don't bother? This is serious.”

S: “He isn't here, he hasn't come home yet.”

N: “How can you be so sure?”

S: “Look around you, none of his school stuff is here, no lights. More importantly, no music. If he was here you would hear it.”

Regrouping in the living room, nobody wants to be the one to speak first. Looking blankly at my phones background of the two of us. I begin trying to call him, immediately it cuts through to voicemail. Checking each message that has been sent to him, none of which are showing as delivered yet.

Y: “Nobody else's messages or calls getting through either?

N: “He must have turned off his phone just after he left the group.”

M: “Sayori, does he always listen to music when he wants to think?”

S: “Always.”

M: “Does he ever bring headphones to school?”

S: “Of course, to him they are almost as important as the rest of the uniform.”

How did I not think of this sooner? His phone isn't off at all. He has set it to flight mode, blocking all signal, leaving him able to listen to music or look at all his photos and videos. Come on Sayori think. Where would he go right now, for some space.

There are too many places to choose from. So many places we would sneak off to as kids, thinking our parents didn't know we were going further away than they said to. The park near school has so many hidden paths that he and I used to use. Then there is the hillside path, completely the opposite direction. They closed it to the public a few years ago, when the people who owned it refused to maintain it anymore.

We decide as a group that it would be better to wait for him here. With the weather turning and it almost being completely dark out already. Nobody really wanted to wait here, all of us would rather have gone out looking, but we all knew it was the wrong choice to do that.

M: “Something has been bothering me since we left school.”

N: “Yeah? Her name was Miko. She got under everyone's skin.”

Y: “I don't think that is what she meant, Natsuki.”

M: “She's blackmailing him. Isn't she, Sayori.”

S: “I.. uh.. I think so..”

M: “But it isn't something about him is it. Not by how she spoke about it. It's about you isn't it. She knows something.”

S: “Monika...”

Nervously I look over to Yuri, who looks as alarmed as I do. This is not a conversation I wanted to have today, even with those who already know. Unfortunately for me, my look to Yuri hasn't gone unnoticed. Turning to see Yuri's reaction, confirms it for her as well.

M: “You know what it is. Don't you.”

Y: “I..well...it's..”

M: “I need to know what it is she knows.”

S: “Monika... it's not that simple..”

M: “Nothing ever is. But if I'm going to figure out how to deal with this before it goes too far I need to know.”

Y: “Maybe we should tell her.. about what Miko knows about us..”

M: “Us? So it's not just something about Sayori? It's You as well Yuri.”

Retreating back behind her hair, hiding her face before she says or does anything else. Right now I'm hoping Natsuki will jump in and try to calm Monika down before we have to say anything, but no such luck. This is the most fired up about anything I've ever seen her. Given why this is all happening is linked to something that happened in the debate club last year involving Monika and Miko. It's no wonder she is taking this very personally. Thankfully for us, she is one of the smartest people in our year, both academically and socially. She can tell by the look on our faces that this borderline aggressive approach isn't the right one.

M: “Look, why do you think MC hasn't come home yet? He is out there doing exactly this. Trying to think of something he can do to fix this, but he has it wrong. He's trying to do it alone because he doesn't want to tell others either. If you tell me, I can work with him to help..”

Y: “She's right Sayori. It would be better for them to find out this way, rather than the alternative.”

S: “The alternative being we do nothing and Miko tells everyone anyway.. right?”

Nodding to my reply, I try everything I can to try and calm myself. I hate talking about this, even just thinking about it can give nightmares and keep me awake. I've been backed into a corner on this, finding myself agreeing with Yuri. It would be better for the two of them to find out this way. Letting out a defeated sigh, I sit down on the sofa and lock my eyes to the floor.

S: “The night before the festival, I came over to see how MC and Yuri were getting on with the banners. One thing lead to another and I ended up confessing to him exactly how I felt. I panicked, I ran home before he could even answer me. I felt like I had just ruined everything and lost my best friend. I tried to... to.. hang.. myself..”

Looking up briefly, I can see the look of horror on both Monika's and Natsuki's faces. Yuri already knows this, but still looks like being told again is making her very uncomfortable.

S: “I wouldn't be here, if it hadn't followed me. He saved me.”

M: “But why would you..?”

S: “It's not as bad now, but for years I've had depression. For the most part I was always able to just about get by. But my feelings for him, spending so much time in the club with him. Things got out of control pretty quickly. Feeling like I had lost the person that mattered the most to me by selfishly admitting everything to him. I snapped, I couldn't take it anymore.”

N: “He really has done so much for us..”

M: “How did she find out though, Sayori?”

S: “He convinced me to try therapy, as it had helped him cope when he...”

Oh my god what have I done, I can't believe how stupid I've almost just been, but now they are looking at me expectingly. I can't tell them about this, he would never forgive me. Before I'm able to try and back track any of this, mercifully Yuri steps in to help. Rolling up her sleeves to reveal her arms.

Y: “When he lost his father. He tried therapy and it worked for him. Which is why he recommended it to Sayori and why in turn, she asked me to try it. Ironically, this dates back to the day MC and I worked on the banner together as well. He found out then and did everything he could to help me stop, and for a while with his help I did. I started again when he got hospitalized, which is when Sayori stopped me and asked me to try therapy as well.”

M: “She read your files didn't she. Whatever was in those files about him, it gave her enough to know she can control him with it, that he would protect you. She must know that could cost her mother her job.”

N: “I don't think she cares if it could.”

M: “I have some things at home I need to sort out, get MC to call me when he gets home. We will fix this Sayori, hopefully before it goes too far.”

Y: “I'll walk with you. Just keep me updated as well, please.”

With that, Monika and Yuri begin to head home, leaving Natuski and myself alone, waiting. Within the hour it begins raining heavily. At first I don't even notice the food Natsuki has made as she places it in front of me, until she waves her hand across my face making me jump. My eyes are fixed onto the front door. Everything has happened so fast today that I don't even know where I stand or what is going to happen to us.

After eating, Natsuki begins watching TV, at first she asks if there is anything I wanted to watch. Trying desperately to distract me. Eventually giving up, knowing that I'm not going to stop watching the door. All I can hear from where I am sat is the rain outside, lashing relentlessly against the house. I hope he is alright, to be outside in this would be insane. It wouldn't even take a minute to be soaked through, not to mention that it's November, even without the wind and rain, our school uniform wouldn't be anywhere near enough to stay warm.

I'm quite glad that he doesn't have an old clock in the living room, the last thing I'd need right now is the constant ticking of a clock to remind me how slowly time feels like it's passing. I keep trying his phone, each time I get the same message that the phone isn't on. No voicemail to leave a message. The more time goes on, I worry less about knowing where we stand, giving way to just wanting to know he is alright. That defeated look on his face is all I can think of as I sit fixated on the front door.

Why, why didn't I do anything about it then.

**Maybe if you had, he would be here now.**

How could I just let him walk away like that..

**You weren't there when he needed you.**

I..

**You're a terrible partner.**

I'm...

**We're a terrible partner.**

I'm a...

**SAY IT.**

Get...out...I can't.. I can't let this happen.. Not now..

**Because he isn't here to pick us back up? How painfully ironic.**

A sudden jolt on the sofa next to me pulls me back into the room. Natsuki has brought down some pillows and a cover for me, but is looking at me with a concerned look. Like she could hear everything out loud. Noticing that I have my hands either side of my head, partially covering my eyes, as I press on my temples. Like I'm trying to push the thoughts out. Given everything that was said earlier. It must just look like I'm crazy.

N: “Sayori, are you.. alright?”

S: “Yeah.. yeah I'm.. just worried.”

N: “Me too. I hope he gets home soon, but you can't stay up all night waiting. It's already almost midnight. If you are going to stay down here and watch the door, at least get comfortable and lay down.”

S: “Thanks..”

N: “I know I'm not normally good in situations like this. But if you need me, for company, to talk, anything. You know where I am.”

Is she.. changing how she acts around me, because of what was said earlier..? Giving Natsuki a nod in response. Watching as she makes her way upstairs and waiting for the door to close before laying down and pulling the cover over myself. Eyes still staring at the door, but it's not long before my eyes close.

Rolling over in my sleep onto my back, I'm woken by a cold feeling. Sitting up and taking my shirt off, the back of my shirt is a little damp? Looking around the room, it takes a moment to hit me. I'm in our bed, not on the sofa. I can see the light on in the bathroom under the door. Sliding out of bed, I tiptoe to the bathroom door and push it open quietly. He is stood in just boxers with a towel covering his head as he dries his hair. His uniform in a pile on the floor, soaked through. How long was he outside in this?

Without giving him a chance to know I'm there, I move in front of him as his eyes are covered by the towel and wrap my arms around his middle and pull myself into him. With my shirt still being on the bed, I can feel how cold he actually is. Making me hold him that much tighter, trying to impart my own body heat to warm him. The towel falls off the back of his head as he lets it go to return my embrace. I can hear him in my ear, trying to blow the hair out of his eyes. Stepping back a little and moving it to the sides for him, twirling one side around with my finger like he has done so many times to me. With everything that has gone on this year, he hasn't had it cut once.

MC: “I guess it's about time I got it dealt with.”

S: “I kinda like it.”

Its obvious we are both trying to avoid the question the four of us want to know the answer to. What happened to him today in that room.

It's not the right time.


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Chapter 27**

Despite how close we were last night going to sleep and first thing when we woke up, as we get ready for school he seems a little off. As if whatever was said in that room yesterday is still getting to him. At the very least the defeated look on his face isn't there, well not on the outside. The closer we get to the moment we need to leave, the more apprehensive he becomes. I guess it's time to tell him.

S: “Monika and Natsuki know as well.”

MC: “How did they find out?”

S: “Yuri and I told them. It.. certainly wasn't easy.”

MC: “Why did you tell them though?”

S: “Because Monika wants to help you. She is blaming herself for this happening to us, and right now we don't even know if Miko is going to tell everyone anyway. Just speak to her about it later okay?”

MC: “I can speak to her while I wait for you. I really don't feel like going to the music club today.”

As reassuring as that is to hear, I highly doubt he will have the final say on that. She was utterly convinced that MC would do whatever she asked of him, in order to protect both myself and Yuri. Making sure he wouldn't skip the music club would likely be some of the easier things. As we all sit down to breakfast, Natsuki can tell he seems off as well. Determined to break the silence with what was on her mind.

N: “I guess I should really thank you MC.”

MC: “Probably, but can we be a little more specific.”

N: “I'm trying to say something nice here, don't be an ass.”

MC: “Alright alright. What for Natsuki?”

N: “For saving Sayori the night before the festival.”

Hearing that almost makes me choke on the bit of toast I was half way through eating. Where exactly is she going with this?

N: “It shaped everything that has happened since. Including me living here, and Sayori, I'm sorry for not saying anything yesterday, to you or Yuri. That can't have been easy to talk about, I was just a little in shock at what was said and we were all distracted by MC disappearing and...”

It becomes more clear as she goes on that what was talked about yesterday is only starting to sink in properly. To the point where she is starting to tear up. I don't know if she is feeling guilty about not comforting me, or if it goes beyond that. Like she feels that other people around her have done so much for her and she is indebted to them. To say it shaped everything that happened after it isn't wrong. Throw a pebble into the water it makes a ripple, the emotional boulders that would have been my suicide followed almost immediately by MC's, would have been an overbearing tidal wave to our friends. Who as we have found out over time, had enough of their own problems to deal with. If anything I should be the one apologizing to her, for even considering taking the selfish way out.

She doesn't like to show it much, preferring to show her abilities through physical actions like baking, but deep down she is quite smart. She might word things simply, but she can be pretty profound when she wants to be.

Finishing my toast, I stand up and walk around the table. Giving Natsuki hug to try and calm her down.

S: “You don't need to apologise for anything Natsuki. I've.. mostly put it behind me. There is no danger of me doing anything like that again. The attempt opened my eyes to exactly what I had to lose, and what I had to live for.”

Turning to look at MC, who is looking back at me. Listening carefully so he makes sure he doesn't miss a single word, quietly nodding ever so slightly in agreement.

MC: “You don't need to thank me either, if what I did has shaped everything since then I made the right call. The way the last 6 months have been I wouldn't change a thing.”

N: “Not one thing? Not even being..?”

MC: “If that meant that someone else would have been hurt instead, then no. Not even that. Plus I got a pretty awesome scar out of it too, see?.”

As he lifts the side of his shirt, just enough to reveal what had happened this year and keeping the others hidden. He knew rightly what the reaction would be.

S: “At the table, really?”

N: “I'm trying to eat here MC, come on.”

The conversation at the very least has brought him around a little. Making him act more like his normal self. It made the walk to school much easier. No arguments, no playful digs at each other. For once its a relatively peaceful journey. It makes me question again what I thought last night. Is Natsuki changing how she acts around me because of what was said? I don't want her to feel like she can't be herself around me.

No sign of her at the front gate either. So far we've managed to avoid the topic of yesterday. I'd rather ask when Monika is around. Breathing a quiet sigh of relief, we make our way to the main entrance to our lockers. My relief is short lived.

Mi: “Hand in hand. Masato, Masato, Masato. Did you not take in a single thing I said yesterday?”

MC: “Don't call me that.”

Mi: “And why is that? It's your name isn't it?”

MC: “There is only one person that I don't mind calling me by my full name, It isn't you.”

I can feel him squeeze my hand, I know he is talking about me, but this doesn't feel like he is doing it to let me know. This is the apprehensiveness from earlier coming back. He wants out of this situation, but knows what might happen should he just blank her and walk off.

Mi: “You haven't forgotten what I said you had to do yesterday, have you? Because I can always...”

MC: “That.. No.. I remember.”

Mi: “Do you really? Because by the looks of it you haven't told either of them yet.”

MC: “I.. I'm working on it.. You are asking a bit much..”

Mi: “Am I? Well. I'm nothing if not fair, Masato. You have until I see you again in the music club to tell them, or I will, along with everyone else.”

Before giving anyone a chance to respond to her threat. She turns to walk away, but not before flashing that smug smile coupled with a single audible mocking laugh. I don't even need to look to him to know that we are right back where we left off yesterday. It feels like he is trying weakly to pull his hand away from mine, I am not going to let go. He needs to know he isn't facing this alone.

During lunch we all agree to meet up in the club room, it's been a while since we have needed to do this. But we still had permission to do it. Pushing some desks together to make a makeshift table for us all to sit around to eat at. Natsuki and I explain to Monika and Yuri about this mornings exchange. MC is silent, not even touching his food. Despite everyones best efforts to get him to snap out of it, he is completely lost to thoughts that he doesn't want to be having.

M: “What did she say to you yesterday. Something has rattled you, talk to us.”

MC: “She.. wants Sayori and Natsuki out of my house..”

S: “...No. I won't go.”

N: “Who the hell does she think she is? She can't tell you who can and can't live with you.”

MC: “She also wants me to.. not spend time with any of you.. Club meetings, Lunch breaks, outside of school.. All of it.”

M: “Do as she wants for now.”

S: “Excuse me? You better not be suggesting what I think you are.”

M: “You'll only be next door Sayori.”

N: “And where exactly am I supposed to go? I don't even have keys to my dads place anymore.”

Y: “If you can't stay at Sayori's, you could stay at mine.”

N: “You sure that's alright Yuri?

Y: “Of course it is.”

There is a awkward silence for a few seconds. I didn't even consider that this could have been an outcome. She made it clear it isn't me she is trying to get to yesterday. It's him, and she is doing it by going for all of us at once. Knowing how pushing us apart like this would effect me, knowing he would have to watch it. She is going to use us to emotionally target him, that's why she called us his weakness. Especially me.

M: “If we can get her thinking she has won. That's when she'll make a mistake again.”

S: “Monika.. by going along with what she is saying.. Your telling us.. to... break..”

M: “Relax Sayori, I'm asking you to make it look like you have. I wouldn't dream of asking the two of you to do that.”

MC: “I better go. She knows where our club room is, its best I'm not here.”

As he gets up to leave, I block his exit. Falling into his chest, drying my eyes on his blazer to prevent myself from starting. Listening to his heart through his uniform, I start worrying more and more. It's less than two months until what was going to be our first Christmas as a couple. We had even talked a little at nights about if we should get each other presents, or go for a getaway, just the two of us for the new year. Looking up at him, my eyes watery again when I'm not against him. He gives me that half smile of his to reassure me. Even now after everything we've done together, seeing it still makes my heart flutter.

MC: “I'll fix this, before then. I know what your worried about.”

M: “We will fix this.”

He glances at Monika, giving her a thankful nod as he wraps his arms around the back of my head. Before letting out a quiet sigh.

MC: “Yesterday, she gave me until the end of the week for you both to be out of the house. Lets make the most of the next few days if we are going to have to play along for now.”

S: “Oh I will.”

N: “Ugh, if that means what I think it does, Yuri can I move in now?”

One by one we all begin to laugh, it feels good to laugh, but I can't help but feel everyone is just doing what they can to hide how much this whole situation is really getting to each of us. It's interrupted by the bell ringing. Neither MC or I want to let go. We both know this forced separation is going to be difficult on us both.

The afternoon classes go slow, not that I minded. I wasn't looking forward to my therapy session, knowing that anything and everything I might say could be turned around on me if she decided to read it again. I wanted to scream at Dr. Aiza, I wanted to blame her for this. But I know it isn't her fault, she isn't even remotely aware of what Miko has done. It certainly doesn't take being a qualified psychiatrist to tell that I'm not being as open as usual during the session. Avoiding talking about MC or any of the others. Even if I told her what has happened, I doubt she would believe me over her own daughter.

Exiting the office, I check my phone to find a text from MC. Go home without me, I don't know how long I'll be. I can't help but let out a disappointed sigh as my shoulder slump down. I had been looking forward to the walk home together. Gathering my things I head out the front of the school. Looking up at the grey blanket above that stretched as far as the eye can see. It might not show signs of raining right now, but the ground is still covered with yesterdays downpour. It's a walk home like this that I can't help but feel envious of MC in a way. Of how he can put headphones in, pull his hood up and seemingly ignore the world around him. Yet miss nothing, completely aware of his surroundings. The last time I tried walking anywhere while listening to music I almost got hit by a car, twice, it was the first and last time I tried it.

Arriving home, Natsuki is in the living room with Yuri. At first they question why I'm alone. We all know why he was held up, or rather who had held him up, but wonder why he chose not to say it. Agreeing that it was likely down to her prompting him to send the message. Joining the others on the sofa, trying desperately to avoid the topic of what's going to happen, but at the same time unable to. Until we hear keys in the front door.

In steps MC, lifting his bag strap over his head and instead of setting it down as he normally would, throwing it to the floor. Something's wrong. That something steps out from behind him.

Mi: “My my, temper temper Masato.”

MC: “I told you not to call me that.”

What the hell is she doing here...

Mi: “What a charming home you have here. I see you have company too, No Moni though. That's a shame.”

MC: “You said end of the week, I've already told them.”

Mi: “That I did. I told you I can be fair, next time though walk with me the whole way. I'll let it go just this once seeing as you seem a little tense about something. See you tomorrow.”

As she speaks, she places her hand on his arm just above his elbow, running it up to his shoulder before letting go as she says her goodbye. The sight of her laying so much as a finger on him makes my blood boil. I go to stand from the sofa, but both Yuri and Natsuki stop me. I can see the smirk on her face from here as she turns around to leave. The sole purpose of her doing that was to get to me.

And I walked right into it.


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Chapter 28**

Without saying a word, MC makes his way up stairs after she leaves. Coming back down only a few minutes later, changed out of his uniform and into dark blue jeans and a grey t-shirt with black sleeves. Headphones already in his ears, he doesn't even stop to look at us on the sofa. Straight to the basement door, half slamming it closed behind him.

N: “Uh.. Sayori? Shouldn't we stop him?”

S: “Yes, yes we should.”

Both of us jump off the sofa before we finish speaking and make our way to the door quickly.

_Click_.

Looking down at the doors lock, the key that is normally on this side of the door isn't there. He took it in with him when he went inside. In a panic I begin banging on the door. What is he thinking?! He knew we were going to try to stop him. He's angry, irrationally angry..

At himself.

Reminded of what he said at his fathers grave. He blamed himself then for my attempt. He blames himself for Natsuki getting hurt. He blames himself for Yuri self harming again after he was hospitalized, and now with everything that is going on right now. Miko reading our files, in the therapy office he convinced me to try. The office I convinced Yuri to try... No no no no.

He blames himself for all of this.

How could I have been so blind to this, I was so afraid of what the two of us were going to have to endure that I couldn't see what he was already putting himself through. I make my way to the kitchen as fast as my legs will carry me, leaving Natsuki and Yuri to continue hammering the door with their hands. Reaching into the bottom drawer, throwing all the things I don't need out of the way until I find the spare key. Pushing the key into the lock until it stops moving, it won't fit.

S: “He's left the key in the other side! I can't unlock it!”

N: “He did it on purpose. He knew you would try the other one.”

Y: “Is there any other way in there? Windows, anything?

S: “No...”

N: “So we're stuck waiting..?”

Y: “I just tried to call him. It's like yesterday all over again.”

S: “This is bad. Really really bad.”

N: “He just needs to vent a little Sayori, it's not so ba..”

S: “You don't get it! He blames himself for everything! My attempt, You being hurt, Yuri's relapse, the therapist he suggested then our files being read. He isn't angry at Miko, he's angry at himself!”

Watching as their silence becomes worry, Natsuki and Yuri had no idea he was blaming himself for what happened to each of them. Yuri's expression is much more afraid than Natsuki's, because she knows. She knows what he has done before. It's then that I feel a tight knot in my stomach, remembering the conversation from before our trip away, just before I told him to show her.

_“You didn't say it goes away...”_

_“Because for me it hasn't. The moment anything bad happens, and I mean really bad. They come back.”_

Slumping onto the sofa, my breathing erratic with worry. I run both hands into my hair, taking hold tightly and holding my clenched hands either side of my forehead. How. How could I have let him down like this. I'm meant to be the one there when he needs me.

**Because you are a terrible partner.**

I'm a..

**Say it.**

I'm a...a..

**SAY IT.**

“I'm a terrible partner...”

**You failed him.**

“I.. failed him..”

A sudden splash of water to my face makes me jump, looking up I can see Yuri stood in front of me looking at me with an expression I've only ever seen on her face the one time she stormed out of the club room. Anger.

Y: “That isn't true at all! Not a single word of it.”

Did.. I say that out loud?

Y: “You are doing exactly what he is doing right now. Putting blame on the wrong person. This is her doing and your are reacting exactly how she wants. You are right, he is down there blaming himself for this, and seeing you wrongly blaming yourself like this is only going to make him feel worse. Neither of you are to blame.”

S: “But..”

Y: “No Sayori. Of everything you said about, all the things he blames himself for, none of it is his fault. Just like none of this is your fault.”

N: “Yuri is right, you let that messed up goldilocks get into your head Sayori. Right now all we can do is wait for him to come back out from there, and when he does, you out of everyone here needs to be the one there for him.”

Resigned to the fact that they are both right, about all of it. This isn't my fault, or his. This is hers. She played on my emotional state and with a simple touch to his arm, lit the fuse. I don't even want to think how things would have turned out had Yuri and Natsuki not been here to pick me up when I needed it. Yuri couldn't have been more right, the sole purpose of her getting to me like that was for him to see it.

Just over an hour passes before we here the lock on the door click again. Stepping out from the basement with his headphones still in and breathing heavily, he really should have worn better clothes for doing this. His entire shirt is drenched in sweat, sticking to him tightly, his hair also soaked and heavy, falling straight down and covering his eyes. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a look I could get used to. Glancing to the others, I can tell Yuri thinks the same. Natsuki on the other hand couldn't be more disgusted.

Looking down at his own shirt, he pulls it away from himself, without much success. Laughing a little to himself, with the first genuine smile I've seen on his face all day. He turns to us and takes his headphones out.

MC: “I guess I over did it a little.”

N: “Don't just stand there you gross idiot. Go take a shower.”

MC: “I'm sorry Natsuki, did you say you want a hug? I didn't quite hear you, I had my music a bit too loud for the last hour.”

N: “You even try it and you aren't waking up tomorrow.”

MC: “Point taken. I'll be back down shortly.

He heads up stairs and closes his bedroom door, not a minute later we can hear the shower running. While the others start working on food, I go and sit on his bed, waiting for him to finish in the shower. It takes about 10 minutes but the water is finally turned off. A few more minutes pass before the door opens and he steps out with just a towel wrapped around his middle. Even with Natsuki living here, since the day she walked in without knocking, she goes out of her way to not go near his room if anyone has used the shower for at least half an hour. With this he has become a little more open in the confines of his own room. Before he would have dried and dressed again before even leaving the bathroom. But here he stands, hair combed back and just a towel around his middle, his chest and arms in full view.

Seeing them doesn't bother me anymore. They are part of him. It took a while for me to get used to, the biggest realization came from me walking into this room on a night he was doing homework, he had headphones in and was quietly half singing along. The lyrics he spoke opened my eyes, in that moment it all just seem to click together and make sense.

_I know you'll never understand._

_That all my scars are stories, of who I am._

Standing up off his bed and walking over to him, placing both my hands on his chest. He puts his two arms around me and holds me without pulling me in too closely.

S: “Hmm, I think I preferred the rough, sweaty Masato. Can you bring him back?”

MC: “Maybe. Depends on if you are willing to help or not.”

S: “That can be arranged, but first. Two things you are to never do again.”

MC: “And what are they?”

S: “Number one, Don't ever do this with your hair again. You look ridiculous.”

Raising one of my hands up to ruffle up his hair and make it fall down over his eyes again. Giggling a little as he closes his eyes and doesn't put up any sort of fight. Placing my hand back down on his chest when I've finished. Sweeping his hand across his forehead to push all the hair to one side so it's out of his eyeline, he reopens his eyes and looks back at me.

MC: “And the second?”

S: “The second is, don't ever lock yourself down there like that again. We couldn't get hold of you, or get to you if anything had happened.”

Tilting his head down because he knows he shouldn't have done it, causing his hair to fall over his eyes again.

S: “If you want to go down there to vent a bit, I won't stop you in future. Don't lock yourself down there for over an hour. We can't let her get to us like this, it's what she wants.”

MC: “I know, I know. It was stupid of me to do, I did let her get to me.”

S: “Talk to me in future. Don't just bottle it up because you think you are protecting me. Seeing you try to carry it all by yourself is worse for me.”

MC: “Monika and I will figure something out, but she is right. We need to wait for her to get careless, and to do that we are going to have to grin and bear it. It won't be for long I'm sure.”

S: “It better not be. She is not going to ruin our first Christmas.”

MC: “That's my job, right?”

S: “Very funny.”

Moving my hands from his chest to around his back, I lean in and rest my head against him. I want this to be comforting, but knowing that by the end of the week I'll be across the street. Not being able to speak to him, see him. To me it feels like it's going to be worse than when he was recovering. At least then I was able to spend at least some time with him. More worrying is that despite me asking him to share the burden, I know he will do everything he can not to. He has always been protective of me. Since the night of my attempt and us becoming a couple, exactly how far he will go to be protective is still something I haven't seen, and that scares me the most. Like he can sense my worry, he tilts my head up and gently pulls me into a passionate kiss. Distracting me in the way he knows has the best effect on me, in response I raise my arms up around the back of his neck.

There's a knock on the door, but the two of us are used to Natsuki's terrible timing, so we don't jump apart like we used to. By now so is she, normally opting to talk through the door instead. Which isn't what happens, because it isn't Natsuki. Yuri walks in and goes to speak but freezes in place when she sees that we haven't stopped what we were doing.

Y: “I..uhhh..Nats...ummm..fo.. food's.. ready”

Turning to see that we aren't alone, I can see that she has retreated behind her hair in typical Yuri fashion, but she isn't looking away. She's looking at him. Slowly making her way out from behind her hair, I can see the disbelief on her face. She knew about what he had done, but this was the first time she actually has seen anything beyond his forearms. Which all three of us seem to have had forgotten until right now.

Y: “Sayori... I.. know you said about it.. but I had no idea...”

Stepping back and turning to face her, he allows her to see his entire chest, turning his two arms at his side, she can see the full extent. He realizes at this stage there is no point in trying to hide it. Her eyes slowly welling up despite her best efforts, bottom lip trembling as she struggles to put how she feels into words. Standing close enough that she could reach out and run her fingers along the lines on his chest, as I had done the first time I had seen it.

Y: “This.. this is why.. You were so insistent on helping me.. You..you...”

MC: “I didn't want this to happen to someone else.”

Y: “But... these have healed less than some of mine... How.. how did you put yourself through this..”

MC: “All the times you have done it Yuri, did you ever feel afterwards that you were done?”

Y: “No..?”

MC: “I didn't at first either.”

At first... The realization of what he just said hits her like a truck. Reaching out and grabbing his left arm and lifting it to closely inspect what he had only briefly shown her before. Letting go only to lift both her hands up to wipe away any tears before they fall down her cheeks, holding her two hands partially over her mouth after.

Y: “That... how... how did you survive..”

MC: “I wouldn't of. Had it not been for a phone call from Sayori, like she could feel something was wrong. She offered to come over, and I didn't want her to be the one to find me. So I did everything I could to live, and it was just enough.”

Y: “You both saved the other..? You really are perfect together.”

Standing in silence, Yuri closes her eyes, smiling. Turning around and making her way slowly to the door, looking back to us to speak as she is about to leave the room.

Y: “It doesn't matter what she throws your way. The two of you have already overcome more. You will be absolutely fine.”

S: “We, we will be fine. That includes you. We are in this together. All three of us.”

Y: “I suppose we are, Now lets not keep Natsuki waiting.

Leaving MC to get dressed, I begin to make my way downstairs behind Yuri. The words she said playing on loop in my head, as I'm left worrying about the end of the week.

Perfect together.

Together...


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

**Chapter 29**

Walking into the club room, I'm the last one here, only because he isn't going to be here today. I've spent the last few days moving most of my things back into my room, much to the confusion of my parents. Asking if everything was alright between us. I ended up telling my parents everything that had happened. They knew about me seeing the therapist at the very least, as if they needed more of a reason to be fond of MC. To find out that he was the one guide me to help when I needed it.

At first my mother wanted to go to the school and have Dr. Aiza fired, but was calmed down by my dad. His profession gave him a better third person perspective on things, he agreed with me that if we did that it would mean everyone would find out. He offered to help if we felt we needed it, but he said he didn't think he would need to, as I was in good hands with MC. If only he knew how much he was already struggling.

The desks had already been arranged for us to sit around, looking over to the side where the others have left their bags. I can see an extra one Natsuki has brought with her. The last of her things to go to Yuri's. She was staying there from tonight. Setting my bag down with the others, I join them at the makeshift table. Yuri already has tea made and begins pouring everyone a cup. Holding the warm drink in my hands, staring into the light golden liquid. All I can see is her. Golden hair framing those piercing teal eyes and that mocking smile. That disgusting mocking smile. As my hands begin to shake, caused by me gripping the cup far too tightly, the ripples in the golden tea don't go unnoticed.

Y: “Sayori? Are you alright?”

S: “No.”

N: “I get that your upset, I didn't want to leave either.”

S: “I want to know why. Why is she doing this.”

M: “Do you blame me for this..?”

S: “I don't blame you, but that doesn't mean I don't want to know why.”

M: “I should have told you all sooner.”

Sighing gently into her cup as she is about to take a drink. Gathering her thoughts as she prepares to speak. The normally confident speaker seemingly lost to apprehension. Opening her mouth several times to speak but then stopping herself. It takes a few minutes for her to break the silence.

M: “There were two people in the debate club, very much like MC and Sayori. Ishiro and Tora. Friends for years, oblivious to how the other felt. Eventually they did get together. Everyone was happy for them, except for one person.”

N: “Do we even need to ask?”

M: “She wasn't interested in Ishiro, but she was never really on good terms with Tora. Seeing her being happy, didn't make her very happy. So she decided to do something about it. It just so happened Ishiro had sessions with her mother, after his parents divorced. It didn't take long for her to start driving a wedge between the two of them. She played on the fact her parents are divorced too, so she could get close to him.”

S: “So how did you stop her?”

M: “Quite a few of us saw it happening. By the time we could convince others to do anything about it though it was borderline too late. She blames me because I was the one to initiate the motion to have her expelled from the debate club. She had friends, but it passed, barely. It caused a lot of infighting after. It's why so many people didn't go back to the debate club this year.”

S: “What do you mean by borderline too late...?”

M: “As far as I'm aware, the two of them are talking again. But it took the best part of about 8 months. Their relationship was damaged pretty badly, I'm pretty sure they are only talking again because Tora saw him going in and out of the therapists office. Ishiro I don't think left his house the whole summer. He was in a pretty bad way.”

That sounds hauntingly familiar. When he mentally tortured himself waiting day in day out for a phone call that never came. The idea of him shutting himself away in his house again becomes all I can think about. If that were to happen again..

...It is about to happen again..

At least last time I could talk to him. Nothing was preventing it. My hands begin squeezing the cup even more, causing the tea inside to ripple so much, a small amount splashes out and onto my hand. Causing me to drop it with the sudden burst of pain. Bouncing off the desk with a clink, thankfully not spilling. Standing and walking from the table holding my hand, standing looking out the windows. I can feel my heart racing, not because of the pain. Fear. Anxiety. Panic. Feelings that he helped suppress, just by being there. Feelings I had largely been able to ignore, with the exception being when he was injured.

M: “MC won't let that happen to you. I know it isn't going to be easy for a little while. But there isn't anything he wouldn't do for you Sayori.”

In any other circumstance, those would be some of the most comforting words to hear right now. Right now however, 'There isn't anything he wouldn't do for you.' is exactly the problem.

S: “I.. need to go..”

Before the others can react to try to calm me or stop me. I've lifted my bag and headed out the club room door. Making my way to the school exit. As I'm walking back towards his house for what will be my last night there for a while.

Up ahead of me I can see MC, she is with him. Like every day since, he has been made to walk home with her. I can see her speaking to him, but he isn't even looking at her. It's reassuring to see that he is doing everything he can to blank her at any given chance. Watching her become visibly more annoyed is almost satisfying. She takes a few steps forward and turns to face him. Pressing her finger against his chest and whispering to him, her scowl giving way to that smile I've come to loathe. Even more so when she notices me. Using her hand already at his chest to push him backwards until his back is against the fence of the house they were walking past.

Visible discomfort across his face of what is happening. My hands clenching in anger as I watch her move closer, mocking him. Moving his head to the side to look away from her, his discomfort becomes shock as he sees me. I'm close enough now to hear them. Turning his head back to face her. Staring at her angrily.

MC: “I said get off me.”

Mi: “Acting like you care now that you know she is watching?”

MC: “I've been telling you not to touch me the whole time.”

Mi: “Have it your way, I'll get off. When you say one nice thing about me.”

MC: “You might be waiting a while.”

Mi: “That suits me just fine, I'm more than happy to keep you here. But does it suit her?”

Both sets of eyes turn to look at me. One set blissfully happy at what she is doing. The other looking lost. He doesn't know what to do. Once she has turned her eyes back to him. I mouth the words 'Just say something.' while nodding to try and let him know its okay. As he goes to nod in return, she reaches her other hand up, placing it on his cheek and turns his head to face her. The sight of her touching him makes me clench my fists so tightly I can feel my nails digging into the palms of my hands. I want to go over there and throw her off of him, but I'm rooted to the spot, for the fact she would tell everyone what she knows.

Mi: “So what's it going to be?”

MC: “You.. are.. a...”

Mi: “A what, Masato? With that tone I can't tell if this is meant to be nice or not.”

MC: “...A Talented vocalist.”

Mi: “Oh really. How talented? Name someone you think I'm better than.”

MC: “Me.”

Mi: “Now was that so hard? Now lets go, I feel like taking a detour through the park today. I'm sure Sayori has things on her mind, lets not keep her.”

Moving her hands away from him and stepping back, his self depreciating answer was exactly what she had hoped for. Knowing he'd attack his own abilities than speak badly of anyone else. As she turns to walk ahead, his head slumps down. Wearing the same defeated look from the start of the week. Unable to even lift his head to look at me. With everything he had been carrying, made painfully visible when he locked himself in the basement at the start of the week. This is too much, even for him. He's cracking right before my eyes and I'm just stood here letting it happen. Stepping forward, getting ready to yell at her, I'm blocked by him raising his hand to the side facing me and stopping me. Uttering the worst thing I could imagine hearing right now. A lie he used to tell me regularly during the time he was hiding his self harming from me back then.

MC: "I'm fine.”

Still rooted to the spot as he turns to walk with her. His shoulders still slumped and his head down as he shoves his hands into his pockets. No you are not, right now you are anything but. As the two of them disappear around the corner, I make my way back to his, walking as quickly as I can. What he said echoing around in my head, along with all the other times he has said it to me in the past. The image of when he first showed me them all I can see, the moment that revealed all of those times he said it to me to be a lie. Changing out of my uniform, into a pair of my jeans and one of his long sleeve shirts and the hoodie I'd worn when he was in hospital. Curling up into a ball laying on top of the bed. Resting my head on my pillows as I grab his tightly in my arms in front of me. Burying my head into it to catch the first few tears. How could I let him do this to himself.. I'm no better than I was then.. I'm worse.. Now that I know it's a lie, I still didn't do anything..

No.

That isn't it at all.

I didn't because he stopped me.

He knows what is at stake.

She did it to me again.

She wants me to react like this. So when he gets home he can see it.

Sitting up on the edge of the bed, looking around at the room in front of me. Almost back to how it was before I moved in. Making my way to his computer and opening the music folder. Searching for the name of the band he told me the night after we all saw him singing on stage. It's nothing like what he normally listens to, even I can listen to this. Putting on the two I've come to love the most. Both acoustic versions, the first being the one we saw him perform. The other a song called My Demons. Laying back on the bed with my eyes closed as it plays out of the speakers around the room at a volume that he would insist on being too quiet. Nearing the end of the second song I hear a voice by the door join in for the final few lines.

_'Take me high and I'll sing._

_'You make everything okay'_

_'We are one and the same.'_

_'You Take all of the pain away.'_

_'Save me, if I become My Demons.'_

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he begins to fix my messy hair with his fingers before laying down next to me. Instead of hugging me, he takes my phone out of my pocket and stands up, walking over to his desk.

S: “Hey, what gives?”

MC: “You'll see.”

S: “See what? You know how I feel about secrets.”

MC: “Well this one will be ours, for now.”

Walking over to him, he is adding a new contact to my video call app.

S: “What are you doing? I don't know that person.”

MC: “Yeah you do.”

Reaching onto his top shelf and lifting down what was the phone he used to use. Opening the app on his phone and accepting the invite before handing me back my phone.

MC: “Can't check for activity between us if she's looking at the wrong phone, can she.”

S: “She.. is making you show her your phone?”

MC: “I only agreed because Monika knew we could get around it easy enough.”

Showing me his contacts on his old phone, the only other contact is Monika.

MC: “We came up with the idea when she asked if I kept my old phone, so long as I'm on a wifi connection I can use it. Plus this way I can still talk to her as well about what to do, more importantly though, you won't need to go to sleep alone. I know it's not the same. But it'll be like we used to when we first got phones.”

S: “We used to be so excited to just have them, I lost count how many times we accidentally fell asleep on the phone to each other. Or how many times we both got yelled for having such big phone bills.”

MC: “Well there won't be any surprise bills this time.”

Falling into him and hugging him tightly, he has no idea what this means to me. Those nights we spent hours on the phone, many of them I would listen to him sleep if I woke up instead of hanging up. Another large contributing factor of how we got to where we are now. I couldn't imagine anyone else doing that for me, yet he did. Because he knew I didn't like the dark. He found a way to be there with me when he couldn't physically be there. Reminding me of what Monika said this afternoon.

_There isn't anything he wouldn't do for you._


	30. Chapter Thirty

**Chapter 30**

Having my phone propped up in bed with me every night so we could talk and see each other had helped quite a bit, at least I could get some form of sleep this way. It did remind me a lot of what we used to do. But it isn't the same. When we did this before, after I had started having feelings for him. Some nights I would have wondered what it would have been like without the phones. Now I know. I know and I want it back. Waking up during the night as I have done every single night since being back in my own room. Looking over at my phone, I can just about make him out in the dark video feed. Turning on my bedside lamp, the brightness change in my room being displayed on his screen, causing him to become slightly more visible to me. Settling back down now that I can see him, listening to him sleep. Just like I used to.

This isn't how things should be.

It has been a full week since. We've been walking to school together, until we get close by. Making it look like we arrive separately. As I walk in the gate, I see she has already approached him. She does not look happy. Walking past, stopping at my locker, I try to listen in.

Mi: “Do you think I'm blind? I saw you with her this morning.”

MC: “You sure about that? You might have been seeing things, being insane and all.”

Mi: “Look at you, being a bit brave all of a sudden are we? Its really adorable. Shall we find out what other people think about your friends?”

MC: “Ah... No.. Miko.. I'm sorry.”

Mi: “Not yet, but you will be.”

MC: “Okay okay, yes we did walk together.”

Mi: “What part of no didn't you understand?”

MC: “I'll stop.”

Mi: “I don't think you will. But don't you worry. I have an idea how to stop it.”

MC: “Please don't. I said I'll stop.”

Mi: “Oh I didn't mean that. It's much better than that. You'll see.”

Miko turns and walks away before he can ask what she meant by that. He looks to me unsure of what just happened. Guilt across his face as he knows that he might have just made things worse with his comment to her.

At the sound of the final bell. I can't bring myself to go to the clubroom. Messaging the others to say I'm heading home early. Natsuki and Yuri protest a little but ultimately understand why. Making my way to the front door, Monika is stood in the way. By the way she is standing, I can tell she isn't going to let me past, she is here waiting for me. Her phone in her hand, she presses the screen and a message comes through in the group.

 _'Change of plans, club day out. I'll meet you all at the front door._ '

M: “You aren't going home Sayori.”

S: “That isn't your choice to make.”

M: “So you can do what? Sit alone in your room beating yourself up about things? I'm not going to let you do this to yourself.”

S: “I'm fine Monika, It's only temporary, right?”

M: “Right now being alone is the last thing you need.”

S: “Get out of the way, Monika.”

M: “I can't do that, Sayori. He asked me to make sure you didn't go straight home. For your sake.”

Why. Why won't he focus on himself. On his well being. Right now he needs to stop worrying about me. He is having to deal with so much more than I am through all of this. Yet he keeps putting me first, like he always has. Knowing that he can't be here to help me, he is making sure those around me do.

N: “Sayori? I thought you said you were going home?”

Y: “Are you going to be joining us?”

M: “Yes she will.”

Begrudgingly I follow along, not for them or myself, for him. He has always had my best interests in mind. It's likely he's trying to avoid a repeat of last week, were I unintentionally caught up to them and it got used against him. So if this was his idea, I should trust in him.

Walking with the others, Monika chose a route through the park, so we could avoid the busier streets. Likely for Yuri's sake, she is much better than she used to be, this seems to be more out of habit than anything else. Every time the breeze picked up it reminds me that I really need to bring a jacket. It also makes both Natsuki and I glad we don't have to fight with our hair the way Monika and Yuri do. After about 20 minutes, we arrive outside what looks to be a new Pâtisserie, Natsuki's eyes light up at the sight of all the different styles of cakes and pastries in the window. As we enter and take our seats, ordering hot drinks to warm out hands after the walk here. Unsurprisingly Monika sticks with her normal coffee, Yuri with her tea. Natsuki and I both order hot chocolates, both with cream, marshmallows and sprinkled chocolate on top. The difference being in the flavour syrup used, I stick with my normal Hazelnut, Natsuki trying the new flavour of chocolate cookie.

As the others talk about what they are going to have, Natsuki again trying something new. She has come a long way since she first moved in. She doesn't like to admit it, but she thanks him for it all. Moments like when I saw the two of them on the balcony, or how she reacted to seeing him in his hospital bed before he first woke up, showed me how much he actually means to her. Like the brother she never had. When it comes to picking out my pastries, I get an uncomfortable knot in my stomach. Normally he would order for me, he knows the ones I like and knows I can't pronounce them very well. Maybe it's better I don't have anything, save me from making a fool of myself.

S: “I'm.. fine thanks..”

N: “What she means is, she'll have a Religieuse and a Mille-Feuille.”

As the waitress walks off to gather everyones choices, I turn back to Natsuki who seems to be wearing a half smile, similar to the way he would.

S: “I would have been alright not eating.”

N: “You? Not hungry? Please Sayori. Like any of us are going to believe that.”

S: “Yeah but..”

N: “I've been out places enough with the two of you to know why he is normally the one to order stuff. So your welcome.”

S: “Thanks.”

M: “Your pronunciation was perfect, I didn't know you could speak French, Nats.”

N: “I don't, but what kind of baker would I be if I couldn't say the names of things I want to make.”

Y: “Have you ever considered trying to learn it? I speak a little, I could teach you some.”

This afternoon was a welcome distraction, helping me momentarily forget what she is doing. It reminded me of the way the club used to be, before MC joined. Just the four of us. Enjoyable, but there wasn't a single second that I didn't wish he was here. Nobody wanted to say it, but I know the others all felt the same way. As the others prepare to head the other direction, Monika living relatively close to Yuri, it would have left me to walk home alone in the dark. Lucky for me, my dad had just finished work. With him knowing what was going on, he was more than happy to pick me up on the way home. Even saying himself that he was proud of me for trying to just get on with things. To not worry about it and that MC would have things under control.

He really is putting a lot of faith in him. Despite all he has seen in the last few years, he still thinks very highly of MC. I want to believe he is alright too, I really do. That moment at the start of the week, followed by what he said on the way home after she cornered him.

Of all the things could've said... Why that...

**Unless that was the point.**

Stop it... I can't think like this...

**Even you can see the hidden message behind that.**

I... need to see him...

It feels like I'm pacing in my room, waiting on our designated call time. I try calling a few times but he doesn't answer... He has always been waiting for me.. I try more and more, Nothing. Why am I suddenly so nervous. I can see the lights on in his house, so I know he is there. Right across the street. Over half an hour after when we normally call, he finally answers.

MC: “Hey.. Sorry about the wait..”

S: “It's okay, your here now.”

MC: “Yeah..”

S: “What's wrong? You seem a little bit distant tonight. I can come over if you like?”

MC: “I don't think that's such a good idea Sayori.”

S: “Who is going to know? Besides it's dark out. Nobody will see.”

MC: “Just trust me on this Sayori, Please..”

S: “Something has happened hasn't it..”

MC: “Mute you microphone.”

S: “Huh?”

MC: “Mute it please.”

He then moves his phone and places it face down on his desk in a hurry. Almost like he was panicking? But he is sat at his computer, what is he worried about? I can hear his computer chair squeak as he turns around in it. Hearing the last thing I wanted.

Mi: “Who are you talking to?”

...Why is she there.. It's dark out.. Almost 9:45pm..

MC: “Just people I play video games with. I told you I don't have much in the way of hobbies.”

Mi: “You better not be trying to lie to me again.”

MC: “How can I forget, you only insisted on staying over to stop us walking to school together.”

Mi: “You really would do anything for her wouldn't you. Just look at these pictures of you, so precious.”

MC: “STOP, Put that down. Right now.”

My digital picture frame...It's been sat on his bedside table since I moved in... I left it behind... I felt like if I brought it with me.. He might miss it..

Mi: “Oh? You are telling me what to do now?”

MC: “When it comes to that, yes. Put it down. Now.”

Mi: “You better watch how you talk to me Masato, you wouldn't want anything to happen to it now, would you? Or for me to tell anyone a certain few secrets. It must be pretty special to you though. Which makes me think it's hers, Isn't it.”

MC: “Yes.. it's Sayori's.. please put it down. Please. I.. I'll do anything... Just please put it down..”

Mi: “Now that is more like it, I'll put it down. But first. I want you to do one of two things, I'll even let you decide.”

MC: “..Which are..?”

Mi: “I've noticed something about you. These pictures, every single time I've ever seen you outside of school. A quick look in your closet earlier showed me I was right.”

MC: “What are you getting at..?”

Mi: “Always, always, always long sleeves. So Masato. What. Are. You. Hiding. So the first choice, show me. What is under here.”

MC: “And the other choice..?”

Mi: “You certainly have a few pictures of you and Sayori kissing. I wonder who took this one, because it looks like you don't know its being done.”

MC: “Monika took that one...”

Mi: “So Moni is the one to thank for this lovely memory you have? I'll have to thank her myself, the other choice is show me what makes you special to her. Do this, with me.”

No.. no no no no.. I know exactly what picture she means.. It's taken just outside his front door.. We were heading out to meet the others and he turned me on the spot like on the morning of the festival.. We lost track of time and the next thing we knew the others were stood at the gate again like when they had first seen us. Monika had already taken the picture before we knew they were there..

The idea of her being anywhere near him at all, never mind doing that with him.. turns my stomach.. But.. surely that's better than the alternative..? She cannot find out about him... It'll just make everything worse.. Give her more to use against us.. That isn't what is going to be on his mind.. He's going to choose what he thinks is protecting me.. He knows I'm still on the phone... Why didn't I just hang up instead of muting?! Now I can't hang up without her hearing it disconnect...

It's been just over two minutes since anyone said a word. He clearly did not like either of those options.

Mi: “So what is it going to be Masato?”

MC: “I'll.. take off my shirt...”

Mi: “I'm waiting.”

I can hear a loud audible sigh from him. I can't let him do this. I can't. I won't. Unmuting my phone I brace myself for the worst.

S: “MASATO STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW. DON'T DO IT.”

There is no sound for a few seconds. A few noises made from his phone as it's being moved and propped up where he had it before on his desk. The first thing I see is her, with my picture frame in her hand. Paused on the image she was talking about. Those teal eyes, those taunting eyes and smile, lighting up with excitement at her discovery.

Mi: “Friends you play video games with?”

MC: “I.. uh..”

Mi: “You lied to me. Again. But I'll let you off, if you do the other option.”

MC: “You want me.. to kiss you?”

Mi: “With Sayori watching.”

MC: “What?! You can't change the choice like that!”

Mi: “You changed the choice, when you lied to me.”

S: “Just do it Masato. It.. It's.. okay..”

MC: “No it isn't. I can't do that to you..”

S: “Just trust me.. I'd rather this...”

Mi: “You would? That means you are hiding something under here. I guess I know what I'm doing next time.”

S: “Please Masato... Just do it..”

Standing face to face with him, the look on her face is sickening. Reveling in the discomfort she is about to inflict. His expression when looking at her is nothing but anger. I can see it in his eyes from where his phone is sat, he would rather be anywhere but in his own house right now.

MC: “I'm never going to forgive you for this.”

Mi: “I don't need you to.”

Watching, I could feel the tears streaming down my face. The longest several minutes of my life. I did everything I could not to break down. This was my choice, not his.

This time it was my turn to protect you.


	31. Chapter Thirty One

**Chapter 31.**

As Miko steps back. I can feel the regret radiating from him. Taking his shirt off would have been easier to endure short term, but in the long run this was the right choice. She cannot be allowed to know about him as well. The look on her face tells me she enjoyed that, and not just because of how it made others feel. Turning her attention to me, staring directly at his propped up phone screen.

Mi: “You made a good choice Sayori, I know I enjoyed that. But you look like you didn't.”

MC glances over at the phone screen, immediately able to tell that I had muted my end again during that so that he wouldn't hear me. I tried as hard as I could not to, but I ended up crying being made to watch that, and he can see it. As if he wasn't feeling bad enough. I can see his face drop when he looks at my tear streak stained face.

Mi: “Now I'm going to leave you two alone for a bit, Yes I am going to let you talk for a little while tonight. I told you I can be fair.”

Almost giggling to herself as she makes her way out of his bedroom. Hearing his door close, he slowly turns to face his desk slumping into his chair and holding his head in his hands. This isn't the reaction I was expecting, given everything that has been happening I knew he would feel bad. Expecting the defeated look she has made him wear so often. But this, right now he is looking like he is ready to tear out his own hair in hysterical guilt.

S: “I'm sorry.. I know that wasn't nice for either of us.. But it was the right choice..”

MC: “How can you say that.. Look at you.. You muted yourself during that so I wouldn't hear you.. didn't you..”

S: “I had to. She can't find out about you. It'll only make things harder for everyone.”

MC: “You chose that.. thinking it was protecting me?!”

S: “Please don't be angry.. But yes.. It was to protect you.. You are already going through enough..”

MC: “Sayori you don't get it. It was a lose lose situation.”

S: “I know that. But the other option was worse in the long run.”

MC: “And what if she tells people what happened here tonight? What I just did?”

S: “I.. didn't think of that.. but it was my choice.. so you didn't do anything wrong...”

MC: “Then why does it feel like I have...”

With how close he is to the phone on his desk, I can see the truth in his slightly watery eyes through the gaps between his fingers, Guilt. Regret. Self Loathing. He knows that the reason his mother left was to be with somebody else, something his father confirmed for him when he angrily confronted him on his 13th birthday. If he wants anything in life, it was to be as much like his father as he could, and as little like his mother. With what just happened, he feels like he has cheated. He feels like he has been like her.

Moving away from his desk, he stands up, letting go of his head. He turns and throws over his chair, followed by immediately putting his hands back to his head. Much in the same way I do when I'm arguing with my own self doubt. This has gotten worse much faster than I thought.

MC: “I need to go downstairs.”

S: “Masato please don't go. Not now. Please.”

MC: “Daijoubu”

S: “No! No you aren't!”

MC: “I'm fine Sayori.”

S: “Stop saying that! It was a lie back then and it still is!”

MC: “I SAID I'M FINE.”

Before I can try to stop him, he cuts the call. He has never snapped at me like that, in all the years I've known him. I've seen him argue and snap at others on rare occasions, but not once has it ever been directed at me. It hurts to have him react like this. In a way I've never experienced. It feels like he is far too close to breaking point. I try calling him back but he has gone offline, his other phone going through to voicemail every time as well. I'm having to fight back the urge to go over there, knowing full well what she will do if I try.

In the end, all I can manage to do is call Monika to let her know everything that just happened. From the moment she answers, she sees how upset I am. Watching as her expression shifts from concerned to enraged at what Miko has done, then back to concerned when she hears about his reaction after.

M: “I have an idea, but for it to work I need him to be thinking straight.”

S: “Right now I don't think he can do that.”

M: “Well hopefully he will calm down in school, my idea depends on him. You know him better than anyone Sayori, how is he coping?”

S: “He isn't. Monika I'm scared of what he'll do..”

M: “What do you mean he isn't? Does that mean she is going to tell everyone?”

S: “No it's.. not that. He'll keep going that way.. That isn't what I'm afraid of..”

M: “You aren't making any sense Sayori. What are you trying to tell me?”

S: “I.. can't say.. I'm sorry.. Just please believe me when I say it'll be bad..”

M: “It should be just a few more days at most. But we need him to go along with it, I'll try to speak to him tomorrow. Try to get some sleep, alright?”

S: “Yeah..”

M: “I mean it Sayori, no staying up all night worrying about this. Good night.”

S: “Night..”

Try as I might, sleep just isn't possible. I can't stop worrying about him. He was already beating himself up over so many things. Things that aren't his fault but he refuses to see them any other way. He now feels like he has cheated, despite it being my choice. Seeing how upset I had gotten watching it, only helped to make him feel worse. I can't get the things she has said out of my head.

_“I'm going to enjoy breaking him, then he's all yours.”_

The next few days go by painfully slowly. I haven't seen or heard from him since he snapped at me. He didn't go to school on the Friday, all weekend there was no sign of him. Only her coming and going. The same goes for Monday and Tuesday, no sign of him. As far as I can tell he hasn't left the house since he was in school on Thursday. Wednesday we have the day off from school due to a burst water pipe overnight causing some damage and preventing the heating from working.

Laying on my bed, flicking through all the pictures of the two of on my phone. Each image just making me want things to get back to normal. To be there, with him. Laying side by side. Enjoying nothing but our own company. I'm worried sick that I haven't seen or heard from him. Right now I have no idea if she is there as well, without knowing for definite I can't risk going to see him.

Snapping out of my almost trance like state, dropping my phone on the bed next to me. To the sound of a door closing, almost like it was being slammed. Sitting up in bed I look out my window, he's stood out the front of his house in dark blue jeans, a short sleeved black hoodie with the hood up with a maroon long sleeved t-shirt underneath. It feels like he is glancing over to my window. Its hard to tell, his hood hasn't turned with his head. From where I'm sitting, just barely able to see out, there is no way he could see me.

Throwing myself out of bed and putting my shoes and his borrowed hoodie on as quickly as I can. Looking out again to see him walking in the direction of the closed off path. That must be where he has been going to think, like the first day she spoke to him. He went missing until after midnight. It makes perfect sense he would pick it, with it being closed off nobody would disturb you.

**Or nobody would find you.**

With that thought playing on my mind, I pick up the pace. He already has a few minutes head start on me and with him walking alone he was always faster than me. The houses and small shops a blur as I run past them. Stopping only briefly to make sure any road I crossed wasn't busy. It doesn't take long until I reach the chained off gate of the path. Following the gate to the right hand side, reaching a small gap in the chain link fence that had been put up behind the older wooden fence. Climbing over and making my way back to the path. I wish I had the time to be nostalgic. How it has been years but the same cut through hasn't been changed. Or to think how the path once was, well kept and tidy. Now it's just overgrown both sides, with grass and weeds bursting through cracks in the path.

I keep making my way up the hill. Still no sign of him, the higher I get up the path the more worried I become. I've ran the whole way, yet I still haven't caught up to him. Stopping at an old lookout spot to catch my breath. Looking back over the path I've come up. There isn't much more to walk until the path ends at the top and rejoins the streets. He has to be here somewhere. As my eyes follow the hill from the start, each time I reach one of the old spots where we used to go off the path, I scan the area around it. Eventually spotting him.

He's sat on an old wall, the spot he is in overlooks the houses below instead of the path. So he must not know I've followed him. Knowing where he is at least eases my worry. Walking back down the path until I reach the spot he came off it. Approaching him as he sits silently. I'm given away by a few dry sticks snapping under my feet. It looks like he has tensed up at hearing that, which means he doesn't have his headphones in. Taking a seat on the wall next to him, I'm about to reach out and rest my hand on his arm before he speaks.

MC: “You've already cost me everything. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Turning to look at me as his hood stays still, I'm clearly not who he expected. His expression of anger shattering the moment he sees it's me, as what he just shouted echoes down the hill. Taking a few jagged breathes, before going to look away. I catch his cheek with my hand to stop him, keeping his one visible eye locked on me. With my other hand I brush the hair out of his view and lower his hood. He looks awful. Like he hasn't slept since what happened. Still wearing an expression of guilt. His breathing still jagged, like he is trying not to break down in front of me. Pulling his head slowly towards me and resting it against my shoulder, he begins welling up.

MC: “Sayori... I'm...”

S: “It's okay. I'm here now.”

MC: “I'm.. sorry..”

S: “Shhhh, you've done nothing to be sorry for.”

MC: “Yes.. I..I have..”

Reaching for his left hand so that I can bring him into a full embrace, he defensively pulls his arm back before I make contact. Looking down at it, the sleeve is damp? But it hasn't rained in over a week. The wall, the ground. Everything is dry. How did...

No..

He wasn't just saying sorry for what I had to watch six days ago..

S: “Masato.. please tell me you haven't...”

MC: “I.. I'm sorry...”

S: “No more.. This can't go on..”

MC: “But she.. she will tell everyone..”

S: “I don't care anymore. Not if this is the price.”

MC: “But..”

S: “No buts, I don't care what people will think or say about me. You mean more to me than anything.”

Before he can speak again. I pull him into a tight embrace, making sure to not touch his arm. Keeping his head rested on my shoulder, with one hand on the back of his head to reassuringly brush the back of his neck. The same way he has done many many times for me. Gradually he seems to calm down, even if it is only slightly.

S: “Do you remember those words you said to me the night you saved me? For all of our differences.”

MC: “I always said I'd be there, if you should come undone..”

S: “That goes both ways Masato. I will always be there for you. Especially in times like this.”

Feeling him relax even more against my shoulder, he sits upright a little more. Moving closer to me. Together we sit looking out towards the residential area we grew up together. All I can picture is her and how much I despise her. Enough is enough. I'm taking back what is mine.

My house, my relationship, my life, all of it.

Starting with my Masato.


	32. Chapter Thirty Two

**Chapter 32.**

Arriving back at his house, there doesn't seem to be any sign of her. With the way he reacted when I found him, she must have still been here when he left the house. Knowing the coast is clear, I make him take off his shirt so that we can treat his arm. Looking at it, as it was the first time he had in over two years. It isn't as deep or long as many of the ones that had left permanent scars from before would have been. I can't begin to imagine how much it must hurt though, the amount of times I've had him look at bumps and scrapes on me as I struggled not to cry. Where as he is stood there, the few tears in his eyes being there out of shame.

He knows full well how to treat this himself, but he can barely even look at his arm or me. Washing it first with warm water and then disinfectant. I expect him to grit his teeth, to inhale sharply, to react at all. Nothing. His eyes fixated on the other side of the kitchen, staring blankly. As if he is lost in thought. Turning to see what it is he is looking at, I wish I hadn't. On the side is the relatively plain looking kitchen knife that he used on himself. To snap him out of it, I place my hand gently on his cheek and bring him around to look at me. Keeping my hand there for reassurance while we are face to face.

S: “You aren't in this alone, and don't you dare tell me you are fine.”

MC: “I'm sorry..”

S: “When was the last time you slept?”

MC: “Properly or at all..?”

S: “Let me rephrase. Since last Thursday night when you know what happened. How much have you slept?”

It looks like he is trying to count in his head by the way his head and eyes are tilted upwards and lips are moving. With how tired he is it doesn't look like he is having much luck even with what should be simple maths. After a few minutes he lowers his head back down to meet my gaze.

MC: “11 hours? I think? I don't know.”

What.. 11 hours sleep? In six days? That can't be right. Even if that was divided equally, that isn't even two hours a day. Is it any wonder he is struggling to keep it together.

MC: “I slept a little on Monday after you came to see me at lunch time.”

S: “Masato.. I was at school then. Everyone was. Even Miko.”

MC: “But we had lunch together, the dishes are still over there.”

Turning to look at the plates he is pointing at, there are two. One looks like it has had food on it, the other is clean and hasn't been used at all. Taking my phone out quickly and looking up the dangers of sleep deprivation, hallucination is one of them. Just how tired is he? How is he even still standing?

S: “Come on, We are getting you to bed.”

MC: “But it's still daytime.”

S: “You just told me you've slept less in six days than I've seen you do in one. You are going to bed.”

He nods his head slowly, almost as if he doesn't understand the severity of what is going on. Guiding him upstairs to his room. Our room. Getting him to lay down after giving him a new shirt to wear. I lay with him, sitting up a little so I can brush his face and hair with my fingers. Things he would do for me if things were the other way around. He moves in closer, almost cuddling into me without putting his arms around me. It's not long at all before he's out. I stay where I am for a while, watching him sleep to make sure he doesn't wake, before moving onto my back and settling in. I know from first hand experience how awful it is to wake up expecting to see someone next to you and find yourself alone. So I'm going to make sure I'm right here when he does wake.

Opening my eyes and checking my phone for the time, it's been 4 hours already. I must have fallen asleep too. I haven't been sleeping well since being back in my own room. Laying here again, with him, despite his current state. Seems to have had a calming effect on me. Turning my head to the side to see him. He hasn't moved from the moment he first fell asleep. That tired that his body doesn't even have the energy to toss and turn as he lays there.

It's a strange feeling. I've always felt like I was the one in need of protection. The one who was so emotionally fragile that he was constantly having to put me back together. Now things are the other way around completely. Seeing him in this condition, I don't even remember him looking this broken back then. This is a different kind of emotional torment he's been put through, last time it was an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, grief and abandonment. Some of which he clearly hasn't gotten over fully. He made himself believe there was something wrong with him.

This time however, he was being pushed. By her. My choice of action last Thursday only gave her more fuel to accelerate things. I don't even want to know what she has said to you. To make you do this to yourself. I've always tried to see the best in people, to try to look past the surface to see the real person beneath. With her though, there is nothing to see, and with what she has done to him. To my Masato. Any thought of her. Her voice, her eyes, her actions. Before today would have given me an uncomfortable knot in my stomach, but now? This must be similar to how he feels at any mention of his mother. Something I never thought myself capable of. Hating another person.

To pass the time, waiting for him to wake. I tidy his unusually messy room. Seeing it like this is just another reminder that he isn't himself right now. I can even hear him in my head, complaining at me for leaving things on the floor shortly after I moved in. Looking back at the bed, watching him sleep for a few minutes. It's the most peaceful I've seen him look since the summer. By the looks of it his bandaged arm has stopped, nothing is visible on his long sleeves. This may have only been the first one he has done, but he is covered in permanent reminders of where this road has taken him before. Taking a slow deep breath, I lift my phone slowly out of my pocket. If Miko is going to tell everyone, it isn't just me this effects.

Making my way quietly out of his room, down the stairs and stepping out the door into the back garden, closing the door over gently behind me without shutting it. Pressing the green call button on my screen, with each ring I feel my anxiety screaming at me to hang up.

Y: “Hello?”

S: “Hey, sorry for calling out of the blue, but are you able to come over?

Y: “I guess so? Natsuki is out with my mother so it's just me. Is everything alright?”

S: “No, Yuri. I'm at MC's. I'll explain when you get here.”

Tidying up around the living room as I wait, I go up and check on him a few times to make sure he hasn't woken up without me. It takes just over twenty minutes for Yuri to arrive, it felt much longer though. I know this is a conversation we need to have, but it doesn't make it any easier. Greeting her as she comes in the door, taking her long coat off to reveal the shirt that MC had given her. Maybe this would be better over a warm drink.

Heading into the kitchen, I begin preparing 2 mugs of instant fruit tea to be made and put the kettle on. Stopping in my tracks at the sound of an audible panicked gasp from Yuri. Spinning to see her stood with one hand on her chest, the other nervously covering her mouth. Next to the same thing he had been staring at earlier. Still laying on the kitchen side was the knife he had used on himself, and if there is anyone who would recognise what the scene was. It's Yuri.

Y: “Sayori.. Where is he.. what has he done to himself..”

S: “He's upstairs sleeping. He looked awful Yuri. He hasn't slept in almost a week. He isn't thinking straight. He thought I came here on Monday and had lunch with him”

Y: “He what..? How bad.. is it..How many.”

S: “It was one, it was no worse than yours were.”

Y: “Why did we let it go this far. We should have known better..”

S: “No Yuri, she pushed him to this. I ended up making a choice, I still think I made the right one. But it got used against him once she realized how bad it made him feel.”

Y: “What did she do to him.”

We take a seat each with a drink in our hands. I explain everything that has happened since last Thursday. The choices she gave him, what he was going to pick. That I stopped him. What she got him to do with me watching. How I found him this morning. That with what has happened it's likely she would tell everyone about the two of us. Her expressions almost matching that of Monika when I told her what happened last week. There is an awkward pause, the two of us staring into our drinks in silence.

Y: “Have you spoken to Monika at all today?”

S: “Not since school. She has an idea, but needs to speak to MC about it.”

Y: “Get her to come here when he is awake. Don't let her find out what he has done. She is blaming herself for this whole Miko situation happening to the two of you. The last thing we need is more people blaming themselves for things that aren't their fault.”

S: “She hasn't told me a thing about her idea though.”

Y: “If people find out about us, then so be it Sayori. We both have seen how this could go.”

S: “I knew you would agree with me about this. It's just more reassuring to hear it. I'll ask the others to keep an eye on him in school for the next while as well. But until he is ready to tell them himself, we can't say a thing about what he has done.”

Her phone goes off, Natsuki asking where she has gone. Probably as good a place as any to leave this conversation anyway. Saying her goodbyes, Yuri puts her coat back on and makes her way home. Making my way back upstairs, it still looks like he hasn't moved at all. Walking over to the window to close the blinds to stop the street lights shining through. Taking my place next to him again. Slowly allowing myself to drift off as I lay watching over him.

Awakening to a sound I used to be so familiar with. The sound of someone trying to hold it together, sharp breaths. Any and all noises being made through gritted teeth. The sound of self loathing. Opening my eyes to see him sitting up in bed, shirt and bandages both taken off, his arm turned and pooling eyes locked onto the only line that isn't a faint white. His other hand tracing his index finger back and forth just beneath it. Slowly moving his hand back, his hand is trembling. Each breath he takes getting faster and heavier, the sound of someone about to snap. I sit up as quickly as my half asleep self will allow, reaching for his hand that is tracing his wound. But I'm not quick enough. His hand opens and wraps around his arm, over the top of what he has done. Squeezing as tightly as he can, letting out an angered cry of pain as he keeps trying to tighten his grip more and more.

Screaming for him to stop through fresh tears of my own, grabbing hold of his wrist. His grip on himself loosens the moment he hears my voice. I stopped him as quickly as I could, but it wasn't enough. As he lets his arm go I can see the red between his fingers. I've seen him bleed more this year alone to last a lifetime, it hurts every time I have to see him in pain, but to see it as he is doing it to himself is almost too much to bare. Turning to face me as he tries to regain control of his thoughts. I do what I know he would do for me. Pull him in close, place his head against my chest so he can hear my heart. Keeping my hand on the back of his head for reassurance and to make sure he doesn't try to move away.

MC: “I'm sorry.. I'm sorry..”

S: “It's alright now.”

MC: “No it isn't.. not after what I've done..”

S: “Don't be so hard on yourself, we are going to get through this.”

MC: “What is wrong with me..”

S: “There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect to me.”

MC: “How can you say that.. after last week.. and now this..”

S: “All I see in front of me is the person I want to spend my life with, Nothing else.”

MC: “Even if it's with.. someone as damaged as me..?”

S: “I wouldn't have you any other way.”

MC: “But..”

S: “No buts. You are Masato Chousokabe, My Masato. I love you because of who you are, all of you. Your highs, your lows. Your qualities, your flaws. All of you.”

We stay sitting up like this for quite some time, I refused to let him go until I was happy he had calmed down. Getting up to make our way downstairs to get him new bandages. Cleaning his wound for the second time today. Carefully wrapping and then tying the new bandage. With what was just said upstairs fresh on both of our minds. He wraps his arms around me as we are stood in the middle of the living room. I place both of my hands on his chest in return. Both leaning in until our lips meet, I move my hands from his chest upwards, until I wrap both my arms around the back of his neck.

_Click._

Turning to see the front door after hearing it click closed. So preoccupied in our moment we didn't even hear it open. To see what was Natsuki's house key being spun around a finger, before the hand opens and snatches the key down, keeping the finger extended and moving it until it points straight at the still shirtless MC. Two teal eyes lighting up with excitement.

Mi: “I knew you were hiding something under there, but I had no idea it would have been this.”


	33. Chapter Thirty Three

#  **Chapter 33**

Miko's timing could not have been worse for us, or better for her. I haven't moved away from his chest to try to at least hide the majority of his scars. As far as I can tell she has only been able to see his right arm from where she is standing. Her eyes glaring at him in excitement, with a smile like a child being told they can have whatever they want in a toy store.

S: “Go upstairs, get a shirt on. Now.”

Watching as she begins to walk in our direction after I've pushed him towards the stairs, making sure he doesn't turn to face her. I move to stand in her way, blocking her from going near the stairs. Her eyes have shifted from him to me, her expression still as joyous. I can feel my fists shaking with how tightly I am clenching them.

S: “You are not going up there.”

Mi: “Is that right Sayori? I'm listening to you now am I?”

S: “You don't speak to him, you don't even look at him.”

Mi: “And why would I do that? I'm free to talk to whoever I wish, especially him. With what I know, right now I might as well own him.”

S: “He is mine. Mine and mine alone.”

Mi: “And people say I'm possessive, but I'm afraid that is where you are wrong Sayori. What I've just seen has confirmed something. Your choice last week got me thinking, why would you be so defensive about what was under his shirt.”

S: “You saw his arm. That is all you are going to see.”

Mi: “But it isn't just his right arm is it. The C in MC stands for Chousokabe doesn't it? A certain Masato Chousokabe that has a file in my mothers office by any chance? It has to be said that it was even difficult to just read about. Both arms, his chest and especially that one on his left wrist.”

I can hear MC freeze as he reaches the top of the stairs, glancing around at him to see that he hasn't turned back around. It wouldn't even matter if he did, she already knows. With him stopping in place from what he just heard, it's the confirmation she didn't even need. That twisted smile slowly creeping across her face.

S: “...Get out.”

Mi: “I'm right aren't I.”

S: “I SAID GET OUT!”

Mi: “Fine, fine. I know where I'm not wanted, but I suggest you come find me tomorrow with an apology Sayori. Or you know where this goes.”

Flashing that smile that I cannot stand in its fullest, tilting her head to the side in an almost mocking fashion, before turning on the spot and flicking her unbraided hair in my direction. You are not doing as you wish anymore. Reaching forward and grabbing the wrist of the hand that has Natsuki's house key in it. She turns to face me again, looking surprised that I would even dare go near her.

Mi: “If I were in your place, I'd let go. For his sake.”

S: “This is staying here. You are not having a key to my home.”

Mi: “Your home? I think you'll find this is..”

S: “I meant what I said. This is my home.”

Mi: “You are making a big mistake, Sayori.”

S: “The big mistake I made was allowing you to go anywhere near him. No more.”

Mi: “Your apology tomorrow better be a grovelling one. Or he'll be the one to suffer more than he already going to for this. Lets not forget who is the one holding all the cards here.”

Dropping the key into my hand as I let her go. She is staring through me with a coldness I haven't seen since the day she made it clear what her goal was. Visibly annoyed that I've gotten in her way. The two of us stood silently glaring at each other, only stopping when her eyes shift to MC as he comes back down the stairs. Watching as she is about to open her mouth, I know before she has said a word it's going to be a barbed comment, aimed at him.

Mi: “All of those must have..”

S: “I said you aren't to speak to him.”

The annoyance on her face growing even more visible by the second, she isn't used to being challenged like this. To have what control she thinks she has ignored. Moving her eyes back to me, she already taken notice that I'm not going to let this go. As she makes her way out the door, she turns for one last dig, this one isn't for him.

Mi: “If you thought what happened last Thursday hurt to watch, just wait until it's in front of a crowd of people. You and all your friends included.”

S: “I will not let that happen. I told you he is mine.”

Mi: “You won't get a say in it. You've brought this on yourself.”

Slamming the door behind her, I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. Immediately hit with a wave of self doubt. Have I just made everything worse? I should have guessed it would only have been a matter of time before she figured it was his file when she started calling him by his first name. His file is over 2 years old, who even knows how many of them she has read. It could be she read it a long time ago and connected the dots when I refused to let him take off his shirt in front of her. If that is the case, then my choice last week was the wrong one. My choice of action and how he was made to feel afterwards by both himself and her. That is why he is in this state..

Unclenching my fists, I turn to face MC as he is stood at the bottom of the stairs. He still looks exhausted, but after sleeping most of today he seems to be more aware of his surroundings. Looking at him I can't help but feel responsible for what he has gone through. Causing my eyes to shift downwards to the floor. Before I get a chance to speak, his index finger is under my chin, lifting my gaze to meet his, leaving me nowhere to hide.

S: “She already knew.. everything..”

MC: “We don't know that for certain. She could have read the file but not known it was me until just now. I know what you are thinking.”

S: “I thought I was protecting you.. I just keep making things worse..”

MC: “You didn't cause this Sayori.”

S: “I made the wrong choice..”

MC: “You made the best choice based on what we knew at the time. It was the right one.”

S: “But it wasn't! You ended up doing this to yourself because of what I picked!”

MC: “Your right, I did do this to myself. It wasn't your choice that did this, it was me.”

S: “How is she always two steps ahead of me..”

MC: “I wouldn't say that. Just now you looked like you were getting to her. She didn't expect you to stand your ground like that. One question though.”

Wrapping his right arm around my waist and lifting me off the ground, forcing me to wrap my arms around his neck for balance. In that moment I realized how much he has changed in the last year. I knew he used the exercise gear in the basement before being injured, but since his recovery he's been using it much more often, despite my best efforts to stop him. Before joining the club, he could never have lifted me with just one arm like this. I know he is only doing it now to prevent putting any pressure on his other arm. But being lifted off my feet so easily by my childhood best friend, he is a boy no longer. Resting a hand on his cheek. It feels like my heart is racing. I'm struggling to even gather my thoughts, lost in his eyes.

MC: “When did I become a possession?”

S: “Ah.. you heard that..”

MC: “I did.”

S: “I didn't mean... it's not..”

Why do I feel so embarrassed? So flustered? I can feel my cheeks growing hotter by the second. It takes a second to notice that the shaking isn't me. He is shaking slightly as he tries to stop himself from laughing.

MC: “Watching you get hot and bothered is still as adorable as ever.”

S: “What, no argument or jokes about what I actually said?”

MC: “I never said I disagree did I?”

S: “Are you sure you don't need more sleep?”

MC: “You worry too much, I told you I'm fi..”

He stops before finishing that sentence, partially because he knows that right now those are not words I want to hear from him. But it's mostly because of the look I'm giving him alongside that I've let go of his neck, put my other hand on his other cheek and began pulling on both of them. Causing him to drop me to my feet and wrap his hands around mine in an attempt to calm me down.

MC: “Okay okay! I get it! Maybe I do need to rest longer.”

S: “Then lets get you back upstairs.”

Letting go of his cheeks, but keeping hold of his hands, I lead the way up the stairs until we reach his bed. Watching as he carefully gets in and lays down without putting any weight on his left arm as he positions himself comfortably. I'm brought back to the reality of today's events. He self harmed, for the first time since his breakdown over 2 years ago. This whole situation involving her, along with everything else that has happened since the start of this school year in April that he has been blaming himself for.

My attempt, Natsuki being injured in his home, Yuri relapsing into self harming after he was injured. Adding in all of her taunting, having him at her beck and call for weeks as he silently endured anything she came up with in order to protect both Yuri and myself from public ridicule. He won't even speak about the things I've seen happen, so to not know the full extent of what she has put him through both scares and worries me. Last Thursday was the tipping point for him and she was more than happy to shove him over that edge without a second thought.

Pulling the covers over him, I can see it in his eyes that he has more questions than answers about what has happened over the last few days. I go to slowly turn away but feel his hand take hold of mine before I've removed it from the cover, stopping me from leaving. An almost worried look across his face.

MC: “You are staying tonight.. right..?”

S: “Of course I am. This is our home.”

MC: “Thank you..”

S: “You don't need to thank me Masato. I want to be here. I'll be back with you shortly, I'm just going over to my parents house to pick up some clothes and things. Try to get some sleep, alright?”

Hearing this seems to calm him, causing him to let go of my hand. Nodding from behind the covers. Making my way out of the room, turning the light off as I exit and closing the door behind me. Come on Sayori, it's only for 20 minutes max. He's calmed down and is currently going to fall asleep, he won't do anything stupid while you are next door. Locking the front door behind me, I don't know if it's because I'm worried or something else entirely, despite only going to the house next door, I end up sprinting the entire time. Around my parents house, gathering some of my things as well as my uniform for the morning, shoving them as quickly as I can into one of MC's rucksacks I'd used to bring my belongings back from his in. Not caring if things got all creased up and needed to be fixed later. Heading for the front door of my parents house, still running around at an almost frantic speed. My dad is blocking the way out.

SD: “You were making a lot of noise up there Sayori, going somewhere?”

S: “Oh uh.. I'm moving back in next door.”

SD: “If that means the two of you have sorted out the problem you were having then good. But why the rush? Shouldn't he be over here with you helping?”

S: “Sorted out..? Yeah, yeah you could say that. He's asleep at the moment, wasn't feeling great. I'm just excited about it that's why.”

SD: “Sayori.”

S: “Yes dad?”

SD: “Don't ever take up poker. You have always been awful at lying. Now what is the real reason you are hurrying.”

S: “I'm moving back in.. to be near him.. He.. needs me.”

SD: “What has happened.”

S: “Our 'problem' caused something to happen.. something I didn't want to ever have to see..”

SD: “He has done it again hasn't he. Sayori if you needed me you should have come to me.”

S: “Yes he did it again. But he stopped himself after one.. I'm going to make sure it stays that way. I'm going to protect him, even if it's from himself. I will not let it happen to him again, ever.”

SD: “Then don't let me keep you. Go be by his side.”

S: “I will.”

SD: “Sayori can you make sure you do one thing though?”

S: “What is it?”

SD: “Never let him go, Sayori. No matter how rough it gets. He needs you as much as you need him.”

I can't even bring myself to speak. Those words are what MC said his dad had said to him before he woke up when he was in intensive care. For my dad to echo them at first is utterly terrifying. He has always approved of him, even with knowing his secret. But this is the first time it has ever been properly vocalized. Nodding my head slowly is the best I can manage at first until the shock wears off. As it does I can feel a warmth in my chest. I had never felt like MC ever had be given permission or acceptance for our relationship, given our life long history together. But it feels like a weight I never knew existed had been lifted with those words. Lifting my head to look my dad in the eyes, I speak the words that I've needed to hear myself say out loud for far too long.

S: “No matter what happens. I will never let him go.”


	34. Chapter Thirty Four

#  **Chapter 34**

Waking slowly to the sound of his alarm, Friday morning. School is reopen as normal today after the repair work had been completed. While I was thankful for the uneventful day yesterday, allowing him to catch up on sleep and just spending time being close to one another after everything that has happened. He even spoke to Monika a little about what could be done about all of this, but he left out entirely what he did to himself. Going back into school today after what happened on Wednesday is easier said than done. Miko was enraged when she left here, so we are both expecting something bad. Even if neither of us wanted to say it.

Sitting up and silencing the unusually calm melody from his phone, to see that the alarm hasn't woken him up. Even though I know the reason he has slept through the alarm. I can't help but smile, I absolutely adore seeing him this peaceful. I begin to play with his fringe, moving his hair to the sides. Watching as his eyes begin to stir as he wakes. Gradually he comes around and opens his eyes to look at me.

MC: “Now this is a sight I've missed waking up to.”

S: “Except I'm normally the one sleeping through the alarm.”

MC: “I did? What time is it?”

S: “It only went off a few minutes ago, we aren't late.”

MC: “Do I have to go in today?”

S: “You've missed enough school this year already. I am not having you fail and repeating.”

MC: “I don't think I could do another year of school, not without you and the others.”

S: “Exactly why you aren't skipping. Lets go get ready.”

MC: “I guess with Natsuki not here, we don't need to take turns in the bathroom.”

S: “Just be careful in the shower, it's probably going to hurt when you clean..that..”

MC: “Sayori, look at me. There is no probably about it, believe me I know.”

S: “Sorry.. I'm just worried about you..”

MC: “I know you are, and no I'm not going to say I'm fine and try to brush it off like it's nothing. I'm not fine. I'm painfully aware of that. But with you back here, I'm getting there. Now come on, lets get ready. It's probably going to be a long day.”

Nodding in agreement, we get out of bed. Gathering what I need, I make my way to the other bathroom at the end of the hall. 25 minutes later, I'm the first one downstairs after drying and brushing my hair. I guess that means it's up to me to make the food this morning, I'm certainly no Natsuki, but he and I have had eggs and toast plenty of times together at my parents place. He even used to joke that it was my signature dish. Which has never bothered me, I can appreciate the simple things as much as the complex things I've seen others make.

Just as I finish frying the eggs, the toast pops. Smiling to myself. Appreciating the simple things, like the time I convinced him to buy a toaster with 4 slots in it instead of 2. Telling him it would be great that we could have things at the same time. He bought it, but was adamant that it was because I wanted more toast at once and didn't like to wait. He really does know me too well.

As I'm half finished eating mine, I can hear movement upstairs. Popping his bread into the toaster and starting his eggs for him coming down. Plating up each as he arrives at the bottom of the stairs. Turning to face him with a large smile on my face, as I open my eyes the plate slips out of my hand and onto the kitchen table with a loud crash. Not breaking as I was in the middle of setting it down, but had there have been anyone else in the house they would have heard it anywhere. He's wearing his school shirt with his sleeve rolled up, wound unbandaged and looking more fresh than it did before he showered.

MC: “I guess I was a little rough around it when washing..”

S: “Do you need help putting a new bandage on?”

MC: “Yeah.. please.”

As he holds his arm out to me, I turn his arm to look at the wound, but it feels like he is partially resisting my attempts to do so. When I manage to look at it I can see why. He may have been a bit rough around it when washing, but clear as day I can see the marks on his skin from where he has grabbed it to purposely cause himself pain. Just like he did on Wednesday night. All the proof that I need to know that he is still blaming himself.

I hate seeing this..I hate what she has done to him. Knowing that I could have prevented this. Both today and at all. For letting it go so far, I should have confronted her the moment I knew what she was trying to do, but I didn't because I'm still a stupid scared child. Trying to be a grown up, playing house. For what? For it to be made to fall apart in a matter of weeks by a messed up sadist and look where it has put him. In the worst mental state he's been in for years.. and its..

**All. Your. Fault.**

I only did as I was asked..

**You could have made your own choice.**

But even he.. this is how he wanted me to do it..

**You put yourself before him.**

I..was scared..

**Your indecision became a decision itself. Your hesitation to act made you weak.**

His.. weakness..

**Take a good look at that cut as you bandage it. You did that to him.**

I don't.. care what you say.. You aren't real..

**The truth hurts doesn't it. That you will be his downfall, for his sake you should let go.**

Get out.. get out get out.. I.. I will never let go..never..

**Then drag him down with you.**

A warm hand touching my cheek sends reverberations throughout my entire body. Easing my thoughts and driving my thoughts back. I'm just stood here holding the bandages around his arm, staring at his wound. I haven't even begun to put them on. Yet I feel like I'm out of breath, almost gasping for air.

MC: “Are you alright?”

S: “I.. don't know.. I think so?”

MC: “Maybe your breakfast hasn't kicked in yet, you looked like you zoned out.”

S: “Yeah.. Yeah I was just thinking to myself. Nothing to worry about. Speaking of breakfast, yours is there.”

MC: “Thanks. As great as a cook Natsuki is, sometimes I just wanted you to make this for us. The Sayori Special.”

S: “Don't call it that.”

MC: “Why not? I love it when we have this together.”

S: “It's just eggs and toast.”

MC: “And you.”

How. How can he still be like this after everything that has happened. Even now he still hits me with things I don't expect, turning a simple conversation about breakfast into this. By now my cheeks are burning, and the worst part is I can't tell if he said that for my reaction, or if he is just that unaware of how sweet he actually is.

After he finishes his food, I finish getting ready. It's an uneventful walk to school. Quiet, peaceful. My hand being kept warm by his as the other is in my pocket to hide from the slight wind. Taking our time to enjoy what few moments alone we have together until we reach the front entrance. As we walk in the front gate, he gets pulled over to the side almost immediately. Looking past him, it's not Miko. Monika?

M: “Sayori, I need to borrow MC for a few minutes. She is waiting for him just inside the building. I need you to walk in alone and act like you are looking for him”

S: “Okay? What are you going to be doing?”

M: “Fixing this mess, or at least finalize how we are going to, but right now I need you to make sure she doesn't come out looking for him.”

MC: “I brought it just like you asked Monika.”

S: “Buy time? I can do that. Especially if it means things can get back to normal”

M: “Great. Thank you Sayori.”

As I watch the two of them walk to a quieter part of the school. Bracing myself for whatever is about to happen. Making my way into the main entrance, towards my locker. As the locker door is open, a feminine figure leans against the lockers next to me, her face hidden behind my locker door. Not that I even need to look to know who it is. The knot in my stomach tells me all I need to know. Closing over the locker door to see those cold, almost angry Teal eyes and golden braided hair.

S: “Should really put a bell on you. So I know where to not go.”

Mi: “If you say so. You're the expert on putting things around your neck after all.”

The already uncomfortable knot in my stomach feels like it just contorted out of control. Straight in with the vicious comments. I don't even know if I should be angry or sad after that. I can see that what she just said has changed how she is looking at me. She knows what she said hurt, and can't get enough.

Mi: “So where is he?”

S: “Like I'd tell you, even if I knew.”

Mi: “Do you really think I'd be asking if I didn't already know you had been together this morning?”

S: “Do you really think I'd tell you the whereabouts of my boyfriend, even if you didn't disgust me?”

Mi: “I disgust you do I? Oh whatever should I do? Maybe I should just give up? I'm sure you or Masato could give me advice on what to do.”

S: “You.. You do not say his name. Ever. Make all the snide comments about me you want, but you do not speak about him like that. He's a greater person than you could ever hope to be. You are sick in the head and clearly need help.”

Mi: “Hit a nerve did I? Like you have the right to say that about anyone. I'm going to make sure this will be a day you'll remember, for all the wrong reasons. You brought it on yourself after all.”

S: “Sounds like just a normal day involving you.”

I wish the silence that followed our exchange was welcome, but as the two of us just quietly glared at each other. Slowly watching that smile appear, tilting her head to the side and back a little. Almost like she is looking down her nose at me while wearing that smug grin. Until the first bell rings.

Mi: “I hope Masato likes cherries.”

Before I can even ask what the hell that is even suppose to mean, she turns on the spot and walks off with an unnerving confidence. Like her name has been called and she is going to collect an award. All I can do is silently watch her walk away.

Classes could not be dragging in any more, I can't focus at all. Trying to make sense of her last comment. It's not like he'd willingly eat or drink anything she willingly gave him. Looking around the room as people anxiously wait for the bell to ring, preparing to leave the classroom for lunch. Out of the corner of my eye I see a girl two rows ahead of me pull a small light blue tube out of her pocket with a picture of a cartoon peach on the lid.

Wait.. She didn't mean..? Lip balm?

_“If you thought what happened last Thursday hurt to watch, just wait until it's in front of a crowd of people. You and all your friends included.”_

Oh god no.. I need to find him first.. I know where he is going to be at the start of lunch, but so does she. As the bell rings, I leap out of my seat with my bag, squeezing out the door as quickly as I can. The corridors filling up with people making it difficult to move at any speed. Trying to push past people as best I can. Approaching his locker I can see Natsuki and Yuri ahead of me heading in the same direction. Making what little ground on them I can in the crowd. Just as I reach them, the crowd of people ahead of us make loud audible noise of surprise, mixed with laughing and cheering, and the three of us were forced to see it happen.

She knew about his bandaged arm, catching a glimpse of it when she saw him on Wednesday night. Taking complete advantage of the fact he would never use violence against a woman or anyone at school. She surprised him by spinning him around and pinning him against the lockers and kissing him. Leaving him unable to push her away as his free hand is trying to pry her hand from his arm.

She is squeezing where his bandage is.. she is knowingly hurting him physically..

I know for a fact he can't push her away because he is so focused on trying to free his arm. Knowing that the fact she is kissing him is the only thing stopping him from crying out in pain, keeping him quiet. I can still feel the tears build in my eyes, a mixture of sadness and anger, this still hurts to see. Before I can even reach her to throw her off him. She breaks away, completely aware of her surroundings. Of who was there to see, that I was on my way to stop her. Everything. Walking the other direction with a spring in her step. Slowing down only to stare at a visibly annoyed Monika, who saw everything from the other side of the group. With that sickeningly smug look on her face. The crowd are already talking, texting. I can hear several people asking the person next to them the same question.

“Doesn't he already have a girlfriend?”

Closing over his locker he walks off in a hurry, clearly nursing his arm. I begin to follow, along with what seems to be a furious Natsuki and worried Yuri. We follow him to an empty room. He didn't look behind himself once, so he doesn't know that we are all following. Opening the door and the 4 of us coming in. The look of horror on his face tells me that he didn't want to be followed.

N: “MC you have 5 seconds to explain why the hell you didn't throw her across the hall before I kick your... arm...”

He has taken his blazer off and was in the process of unbuttoning his sleeve, but hadn't rolled it up yet. White school shirts aren't exactly able to hide any kind of stains, especially not blood stains from the bandage that has seeped through and into the arm of his shirt. The look on Natsuki and Monika's faces when they see his sleeve. Monika's is hauntingly familiar of how she looked the night he was hospitalized, where as Natsuki is a confusing mixture of someone who looks like they are about to explode with rage and about to be sick.

N: “What did she do to you.”

M: “That's where she had hold of you, any wonder you didn't push her away.”

MC: “She didn't do this, I had hurt my arm while at home. She just knew about it.”

S: “She still hurt you..”

Y: “Everyone is going to be talking about this..”

N: “And say what exactly? She forced herself on him.”

M: “But to them it looked like he didn't push her away, because he couldn't.”

Y: “Which they won't know that he couldn't...”

N: “So what? Everyone's going to assume that MC is a cheat..?”

M: “I'd be surprised if it wasn't half way around the school by now.”

S: “Guys stop it, you aren't helping.”

N: “You know a lot of people Monika, surely you can let people know what happened?”

MC: “NO!”

The forcefulness of his answer startles all 4 of us. He didn't need the outer monologue to know how to feel about what just happened. I can see it in his eyes that he is hurting and not because of his arm.

MC: “Nobody can know about this. I'd.. rather people bad mouthed me for what they saw..”

N: “You have got to be kidding. Roll up your sleeve, how bad is it?”

MC: “I am not doing that.”

M: “But you could still be bleeding MC..”

MC: “I said no.”

Y: “Lets give him a few minutes. You both know he doesn't like getting undressed in front of others. Sayori, you can give him a hand, right?”

S: “Yeah, I can help deal with this. You all get out and see what's happening.”

Yuri, not really giving the others a choice, ushers them out of the room. Turning to look at me as she is about to leave. I mouth the words Thank you to her, in return she nods and closes the door behind her. When we know we are alone, he rolls up his sleeve and using bandages from his bag, we remove the old ones and reapply new ones, putting on more than before. Nothing can be done about the patch of red on his sleeve. Both agreeing that he will need to keep his blazer on for the rest of the day.

S: “Are you alright..?”

MC: “Are you?”

S: “We can't let her get into our heads like this. It's what she wants.”

MC: “I know that. But you heard what they said. What people are going to think of me.”

S: “You said you'd rather that than..”

MC: “I'd rather none of this happened at all, but it did. Now we just need to deal with it as it comes.”

S: “Are you and Monika still going through with whatever you spoke about earlier?”

MC: “I don't know, I'll need to talk to her.”

I should have warned him.. I should have tried to let him know the moment the bell rang what she was going to try.. instead of trying to beat her there..Now he has this to carry around with him. Another unnecessary burden.

**Because of you.**


	35. Chapter Thirty Five

# Chapter 35

Watching quietly unrolls his sleeve and fastens up the buttons again. His eyes locked onto the red patch as his expression slowly turns into one of disgust. The thought of him doing any more harm to himself because of this is a unsettling reality, one that I cannot allow to happen. I wish I knew what to say in a situation like this, but I can't put the words together. All these years I've been by his side, I should know what to do here. But this is something neither of us could have seen coming. I'm too afraid to say anything to try and comfort him, out of fear I'll say the wrong thing.

Stepping forward as he finishes putting his blazer back on, wrapping my arms around his middle as his are still up straightening his collar. Lowering them down around me, his right arm doing most of the work when it comes to returning my embrace. If I can't say anything yet, then being here is all I can do. By being here I can stop this from happening again, to stop him before he goes too far again. Exactly what I should have been doing after his dads funeral.

MC: “I was lying to myself.”

S: “What do you mean?”

MC: “When I said that isn't who I am anymore. I was lying.”

S: “You were trying to help Yuri when you said that.”

MC: “What right did I have to try and help her? Look at me. I'm right back where I started.”

S: “But you did help her. She stopped, didn't she?”

MC: “She stopped because of her own effort, I.. just tried to show her why she should stop.”

S: “That's enough. How can you still not see everything you have done for us? You are so busy blaming yourself for things that weren't your fault.”

MC: “I haven't done anything to help.”

S: “You saved my life, You are the reason I am stood here. You helped Yuri to stop self harming by sharing with her your own experiences, giving her someone she could relate to. Someone she could trust. You gave Natsuki a home, somewhere she could feel safe and escape.”

MC: “That isn't what happened at all..”

S: “Yes it is. You have helped all of us in ways we can never properly repay you. And now you are going to help Monika, by doing whatever you need to, to stop Miko from interfering in our life anymore.”

MC: “I should have pushed her away earlier.”

S: “Don't give me that, I could see from where I was standing why you didn't. Despite how much I wanted to throw her across the hall by her braids myself, I know I couldn't have done it without people finding out about your arm. This wasn't you fault.”

MC: “I guess this is what you meant when you said she always seemed two steps ahead at all times.”

S: “We can't let it get to us, either of us. We both have our food with us. Lunch first, then we deal with things tonight. Yeah?”

MC: “I'm not really that hungry.”

S: “Two things are going to happen here, either you eat your lunch, or I make you eat your lunch.”

MC: “Wait.. isn't the third option normally you eat my lunch if I don't?”

S: “That's not an option. It's a given. Now start eating.”

He does manage to eat most of his food, I've seen this reaction from him countless times. If something is on his mind, upsetting or annoying him. He will refuse to eat. Something that I will not allow with everything else going on, he needs to keep his strength up.

Messaging the others, we all agree after what happened to have any and all club activities at MC's house. Waiting until most of the students had made their way either home or to clubrooms of their own before leaving the school grounds. Looking out of the clubroom window, we have all gathered in to walk together. MC had been the first one to arrive, with his final class being the closest at final bell. Looking around at the others, only Yuri knows the full extent of what is going on. I can't help but wonder if its time he told the others, so that they could understand. He was so strongly against it though, when he refused to roll up his sleeve in front of Natsuki and Monika. I'm not about to push him towards something he doesn't want. Maybe I can subtly suggest it to him later?

It was obvious from Monika's reaction earlier when she saw his arm, she was having flash backs to that night. Her usual calm and assertive self completely lost, if I've learned anything from what has happened so far. She is taking what is happening very personally, likely blaming herself the same way that he is. Miko even admitted that her aim was to get back at Monika, by hurting those around her. We thought at first she might just be targetting MC in the hopes that he would leave the literature club, bringing it beneath the five require members and causing it to fold. Things changed though, they became very personal. Monika thinks it is because Miko has become emotionally involved, suggesting she might actually like MC more than she originally thought. It is supposedly what happened last time, but with my interruption by taking back the spare key and refusing to allow her to get near him outside of school. She is acting out more aggressively than she has done in the past.

As we gather our things to get ready to leave. The room is quiet, nobody wants to be the first one to talk about what happened today. What little conversation we've had since arriving in the room, MC hasn't said a word. Stopping what we are doing, turning to face the door as we hear it open. Standing in the doorway is the last person we want to see right now. Arms folded and leaning against the door frame.

Mi: “Leaving so soon? That's a shame. I was hoping to have some more time alone with him.”

N: “You have some nerve showing up here.”

M: “What did you do to him earlier, why was he bleeding?”

Mi: “He didn't show you, did he? I'm hardly surprised. I find myself asking did he not push me away because of it? Or is it because he enjoyed it. What do you think, Sayori?”

Her eyes shift to me as she finishes saying that, giggling to herself. I can feel my hands trembling, my nails digging into the palms of my hands. One by one I take steps towards her, each step I can feel my own breaths becoming erratic. Unable to hear anything else other than her mocking laughter, from that expression that I loathe. I don't feel in control of my own actions. Raising my right hand and opening my fist, face to face with her. I go to swing my hand, but another is holding my wrist. Stopping me. Turning to see his face briefly before he pulls me into his chest and tucks my head down.

What.. am I doing..I've never hit anyone in my life..

But with everything she has done.. I can't forgive her.. She.. Hurt.. Him...

Why.. Why is he.. Protecting her..

I'm still trembling as my arms drop to my sides. Taking me a few moments before I can lift them and return his embrace. Burying my head into his blazer so that it will catch any tears before they fall.

MC: “Get out Miko.”

Mi: “I love it when you try to be assertive. It's adorable.”

MC: “You really think anything about earlier was enjoyable? You're wrong.”

Mi: “You didn't say no. Look at you, in a room surrounded by girls. Don't try to tell me you don't love all the attention.”

MC: “It was awful, made even worse by the fact it was you.”

Mi: “...take that back.”

MC: “No.”

Mi: “I said take that back. Unless you want those in the room who don't already know to find out exactly who you are.”

I can feel his whole body tense the instant she threatens him. The idea of the others being told stops him in his tracks. His confidence gone. Looking down at the floor, he begins muttering what she wants to hear.

You will not submit to her, or anyone. I won't allow it. I will never let you fall like that again.

MC: “I.. I take it ba..”

Watch and learn Miko.

To keep him from finishing his sentence, I lift my arms and wrap them around the back of his neck. Half pinning him against the board at the front of the room as I bring his lips to mine. After his initial surprise of me being so forward with him, he responds by matching me. Parting slowly, our eyes locked together as we keep our foreheads rested together. The look in his eyes showing slight surprise, but they match the smile on his face. Turning my eyes to her as I keep my forehead against his. Throwing her an almost smug look of my own, watching the anger build on her face.

S: “When I said he was mine. I meant it.”

Without a word, she turns and slams the door behind her as she leaves the room. I don't think I've ever been so happy to have someone storm off like that. But I know by now that what I've done is going to come at a price. Making sure this doesn't end up like before is my top priority. I don't want to watch him hurting, he's already been through enough.

Y: “Sayori?”

N: “That was pretty awesome to see.”

M: “Small victories aside, you know she is going to react to this.”

S: “I think a small victory is what we needed right now.”

N: “No disagreement here, seeing her flip out like that was great.”

M: “A bit possessive of a comment though.”

S: “How do you figure?”

Y: “You said he was yours?”

MC: “Again.”

M: “Again? So this has happened before?”

S: “You could say that.”

Explaining to everyone what had happened at his house, that Miko had hold of one of his house keys until I removed it from her possession. Leaving out the details of the morning, of how I had found him. Letting everyone know that I'd moved back in. I could see Natsuki's eyes lighting up as she is almost shaking with excitement. I'm not the only one who sees it, I can tell by the way he is smiling over my shoulder that he's already planned out his response to the inevitable question.

N: “Does that mean.. I can come home?”

MC: “No.”

N: “What do you mean no?!”

MC: “The house is nice a quiet without you and..”

Elbowing him in the stomach gently to stop him. Glancing at him from over my shoulder, he starts laughing the moment I do. Genuine laughter, from his teasing of her. Knowing he would get a reaction out of her. It's been a while since I've heard them like this, I'll admit to even missing it, a little.

S: “Of course you can come back.”

N: “I mean it won't be right away. I need to properly thank Yuri and her parents for letting me stay.”

The change in mood has at least lifted us a little, the walk back to his has more conversation than our time in the clubroom. He doesn't see it, but Yuri and I both do. The way Natsuki and Monika are nervously glancing at his arm when they know he isn't looking. They know something is wrong, Miko made it very clear in front of them he is hiding something. Neither one wants to ask, at least not in public. Arriving in the front door, it's been a while since we've all been here at the same time. A welcome sense of normality. MC disappears upstairs to get changed, as the rest of us gather around the kitchen. Yuri begins preparing mugs of the fruit tea, putting water on to boil.

The calmness being shattered by Natsuki screaming from upstairs. I didn't even take notice of her leaving the kitchen, being here I had felt at ease and lost focus, spacing out momentarily. Monika is the first to the stairs, even quicker again to the top of them. My fears being realized when she turns towards MC's room instead of Natsuki's. This can't be happening, not now. She calls out to Natsuki as she reaches the open door, cutting off mid sentence and taking a few steps backwards. Both hands placed over her mouth and eyes wide in shock. Pushing past her I can see Natsuki sitting on the floor, like she had recoiled in the same way Monika had but fallen backwards. The same look of shock on her face.

He is stood, in just a pair of jeans. Head tilted half towards the floor and half to the side with both eyes closed. The bandage having come off with his shirt. Despite how fresh the red line on his left arm is near his elbow, it doesn't hide the others from sight at all. Jumping in front of him, I know what I'm doing won't change what has happened, throwing my arms around him, acting like a shield. Yuri standing to one side of him as well, trying to obscure their view. She knows as well as I do that what we are doing is out of reassurance from him.

They've both seen everything.


	36. Chapter Thirty Six

#  **Chapter 36**

The silence in the room makes it feel like time is passing slower, what could only have been 20 seconds at most has felt like minutes. Nobody wanting to be the one to break it. Both sets of eyes looking past Yuri and myself. Fixed on him, wishing what they are seeing isn't true. Much like the first time I saw them. I didn't want it to be real, it hurt both physically and emotionally to look at. Your mind trying and failing to fathom how much pain had to have been inflicted to end up this way.

With how close she had grown with him since staying with us, Natsuki is taking what she is seeing much worse than Monika. Standing slowly to her feet and stepping forward, joined by Monika a few seconds later. MC signals to both Yuri and myself to stand to the side, to allow them to see. Baring his arms, the same way he had done previously for me and not so long ago, Yuri. Showing almost the full extent of his scarring.

MC: “This is me. The me I have to hide from others day in day out.”

N: “I.. how.. how could you.. do this to yourself..”

M: “It's not all of them.. Is it..”

Using her right hand to gesture towards the collection on his wrist, he closes his eyes again and almost laughs to himself. Nodding slowly to answer her question. Placing the index finger of his other hand under them and sliding them up and onto the palm of his left hand. Revealing the last but most significant of his scars.

MC: “I was hoping you wouldn't notice. But nothing gets by you, does it.”

M: “That.. isn't like the others...”

N: “The accident.. you mentioned before.. when you were in hospital.. It was this.. wasn't it..”

MC: “It was.”

N: “You could have died..”

MC: “Should have. Someone stopped me though. It took me four days to wake up from this.”

M: “How can you talk like that?! Should have.. Your speaking like you wish you had..”

MC: “I don't mean it like that. What I meant was I got lucky. Despite how it looks with me doing it again recently. I have too many reasons to live to even consider doing anything like this again.”

N: “Someone stopped you..?”

MC: “With a phone call at just the right moment.”

Watching as both of them turning from him to look at me. It feels like I can see the thanks in their eyes, but admittedly it is a little unsettling being looked at by two of my almost crying friends. Smile reassuringly is all I can really think of to do.

N: “So you saved him first?”

S: “I don't really look at it like that.”

MC: “Well you should, even if you didn't know it until a few months ago.”

M: “Wait.. Sayori only found out this year?”

S: “Just before the summer.”

M: “How the hell did you keep this hidden from her? In fact how could you keep this from her?!”

MC: “For the same reasons anyone like me keeps it hidden. Fear. Fear of being judged by those who don't understand. Fear of driving those close to you away. I know I was wrong to hide it from her, but look at me. Thinking straight isn't exactly my thing.”

Y: “I have to agree with MC here. I almost had a panic attack when he figured out why I was being so defensive about my arms. I was about to run away as fast as I could until he showed me his. To have someone know that wasn't going to judge me, someone who understood. It was.. comforting.”

I'm fighting the urge to clench my fists at that remark. I fully understand how MC was able to figure it out and why he showed her his scars. Even if he didn't show her the full extent right away, it still hurts a little to think that I wasn't the first of us to know anything about them. It should have been me.

MC: “That understanding was the difference. I figured it out by experience. I showed Yuri before I showed Sayori. Knowing that I didn't need to worry about being judged or driving her away.”

N: “You told Yuri before Sayori?”

MC: “Don't say it like that. I showed Yuri the smaller ones on my arms only at first. She didn't see the rest until after Sayori knew everything.”

Again I'm struggling to not show my frustration. His own words were he showed Yuri because he knew she wouldn't panic or run away because of them. Meaning he thought I would. The idea that he didn't think I'd stay by his side stings. I do get it, I did the same thing with my depression. Afraid it would drive him away from me. We were so blind to the other at first, misjudging completely how the other would react, or how they felt. It was months ago, but it all happened so quickly. It wasn't until he was able to sleep next to me without a shirt on that I felt he fully trusted me.

**He would have chosen her over you.**

That isn't true..

**He saved you out of pity, now he's stuck with you.**

Stop.

**Your happiness comes at the cost of both of theirs.**

I said stop. Now isn't the time for this.

M: “I'm guessing you didn't take it well at first, Sayori?”

S: “Out of the four of us, I can safely say I reacted the worst.”

N: “Given your history together that was always going to be the case.”

MC: “If we are quite done here, I'd like to finish getting dressed, that last thing I need right now is rumors of me being topless in my own room with four girls at once spreading. I'll be downstairs in a few minutes. If you all want to decide what you want to order in for food tonight, I don't feel like cooking.”

M: “Not exactly a rumor though is it?”

MC: “People already think badly of me after what happened. Can we not?”

N: “If it helps. I've always thought badly of you.”

MC: “Sorry, I can't hear you from way down there. What was that?

S: “Now that things are business as usual, lets go pick what we want.”

Waiting until everyone else has left the room. Watching silently as he lifts a shirt out of his drawer. Sitting on his bed, pausing to look at himself in the mirror, eventually looking down to the shirt in his hand. The look on his face is one I've seen myself wearing in the past, of someone who is wishing they could go back and change things. Now that we all know, it doesn't take a genius to figure out he is lost to thoughts of how things would be without them. Without the need to hide.

S: “I wouldn't change a thing.”

MC: “I would.”

S: “Without them, yes things would be different. Not necessarily for the better.”

MC: “I'll never know normality. I'm stuck hiding these for the rest of my life. There isn't a day goes by I'm not left thinking about the what ifs?”

S: “If you hadn't done this, we may never have got together, You may never have joined the club. You would never have been able to help Yuri or Natsuki. Having them doesn't change how I feel about you.”

His expression doesn't change much, but after a few seconds he begins to put the shirt on. I can only hope that what I've said has sank in. I'm not going to pretend I know exactly how he feels, I do understand how it feels to hide something from people. But for it to be something visible I can imagine only makes it that much harder to keep hidden. To say he will never know normality hurts to hear, even if it isn't too far from the truth. So long as he feels like he needs to keep it hidden, he will refuse to join in things. During the summer, we had talked about taking a few extra trips away, with beach trips included. Which he was so strongly against.

Making my way to the door, taking another look to make sure he hasn't stopped again before continuing downstairs to join the others. Judging by the way all of the takeaway menus are scattered over the kitchen table, they haven't come to a choice yet. It takes until MC joins us before we can even narrow it down to a continent of choice.

Fridays morning and lunch break goes by relatively uneventful, any sign of Miko is just passing glances. Which is almost as bad, she knows the damage to his reputation has been done. All she needs to do is wait. I'm not sure if it is because I'm by his side or not, but its hard to ignore the constant chatter as we walk through the halls. Most of it is about him, with a few others making comments about why I'd stay with him after what happened. Act as he might, this is getting to him.

Meeting up with the others near the exit after the final bell. It feels like more people are looking than before. We knew this could go around quickly, but word spread around quicker than any of us could have imagined. Keeping hold of his hand as we make our way towards the front gate. I can hear Natsuki pointing out to the others she can see Miko near the gate, talking to other members of the music club. It is far too convenient for her to be waiting there. Before I even get a chance to think, the two of us are dragged around the side of the main building by the others.

N: “Take your blazer off.”

MC: “I'm sorry what?”

N: “I said take your blazer off.”

MC: “Why?”

Y: “To put this on.”

Opening her bag, Yuri takes out one of his hoodies, specially one with a larger hood. Judging by the reaction of the three of them, they were all in on this. The opposite could be said of his and my own reaction.

M: “Before you ask, I said to her to carry it around all day. We took it last night.”

MC: “What difference is it going to make?”

M: “As a group, we stand out too much. So you are going to walk by yourself.”

MC: “That didn't work out so well last time.”

M: “Which is why you are going to rewind to the you that walked home every day by himself last year. Head down, headphones in. Just like you used to.”

S: “How did you know he used to do that?”

M: “We shared classes last year. So naturally he came up from time to time in some girl talk.”

MC: “I did? But I never spoke to anyone all year, with the exception of Sayori. Like you said, headphones in and ignore the world.”

M: “Some girls like the silent and distant type. You being the only person, let alone girl who could speak to him didn't go unnoticed either, Sayori.”

S: “I thought you said you hated gossip.”

M: “Oh relax, there is nothing wrong with a bit of girl talk now and then.”

N: “We used to do it all the time in the club room until you brought him along.”

MC: “I'm right here.”

N: “Well you heard Monika didn't you? We stand our too much walking as a group. People had already been talking about the fact you hang out with just us before all this happened.”

Y: “I've got room in my bag for your blazer. It also might be worth you walking a different route.”

What they are saying makes sense. The larger the group the more it stands out. I knew of but had always ignored the locker room talk of him being the only male in the literature club, but its hard to say that it didn't make us stand out even more. It is also true that he was always good at making himself invisible in crowds, a side to him that Miko hopefully wouldn't be able to pick out. So walking alone and even taking a different route home would all make it easier to stay in the background.

Pulling the hoody over his head, he stops with it half way down his chest and beings moving his headphones up from his pocket until they are falling out the front of the hood. Adjusting his top before pulling the hood up and over his head, reaching far enough to hide his hair and eyes as well. An almost nostalgic half smile on his face as he puts the earpieces in. Stood in front of me, a slightly taller version of the childhood friend I'd watched from a distance. Always wanting to get closer to him but feeling afraid that he wouldn't want to. The fact we are having to resort to this bothers me, a lot more than I'm willing to admit to the others. When he finally caved and joined the club, starting walking home with me again. I thought and hoped I had said goodbye to this forever.

Did he only ever walk home with me because I kept asking?

**He did it out of pity.**

He said he felt the same as I did all along.

**He told you what you wanted to hear.**

Get out..

**You saw that smile on his face just now, this is what he wants.**

No.. I will not accept that..

**He wants to be left alone. To be away from you.**

Get out.. out.. out out..

“Sayori?!”

Blinking a few times to force my eyes to refocus, I'm face to face with him, against his chest as he supports me. Looking up at his half covered but alarmed face. I'm no longer standing up. Taking a few seconds to stand on my own again. What the hell just happened?

MC: “Are you alright?

S: “Yeah.. I just felt a little dizzy and lost my balance.”

MC: “I can walk with you if you need me to.”

M: “Right now that isn't the best idea.”

N: “We'll make sure she gets home alright.”

Y: “Just don't take too long to get home MC.”

MC: “I won't take too much of a detour, You sure you are alright?”

S: “I'll be fine. You should get going.”

Watching as he makes his way back towards the front gate. Still feeling uneasy at the fact we have been reduced to doing this. Keeping my eyes on him until he's out of the gate. Not once did Miko turn to notice him. At least it worked.

Our walk is filled with questions to Monika about what sort of gossip there was about him last year. Mostly from Natsuki and Yuri, unsurprising that they would be curious about it. They didn't know him then. Apparently a few girls like how mysterious he appeared, mostly due to the fact he rarely gave anything other than one word answers. Some even felt bad for him, as his home situation wasn't exactly unknown. People knew he had time off previously from when he dad passed away and those who knew of him from middle school knew that his mother wasn't in the picture.

It was strange hearing about him and myself in third person. Even with knowing that all of this gossip was over a year old, to hear about what others thought of him and showing passing signs of interest when they knew nothing about him. Why is this bothering me so much? It is in the past, nobody ever approached him. So why am I feeling.. jealous?

The weekend is thankfully a peaceful one. Getting to spend uninterrupted time with him as Natsuki hasn't moved all of her stuff back in yet. Before I know it, it's Monday. Two peaceful days gone by in a flash. Sitting down to breakfast, he might enjoy my eggs and toast, but I cannot wait for Natsuki to be back. While tidying up my plates as he continues eating, there is a knock on the door. We both look at each other a little confused, we aren't expecting anyone. I make my way over the door, unlocking and then opening it cautiously. The twisting knot in my stomach calming when I see it isn't her. Looking back at me is Monika? Still confused, I open the door and let her in. She seems to be wearing her usual confident expression as she walks past me.

Setting a small box of breakfast pastries down on the kitchen table, before taking a seat facing MC. Her confident expression making way for a more serious and stern look.

M: “I hope you are ready for this afternoon.”

S: “This afternoon..?”

M: “Yes, this afternoon.”

MC: “I don't think I'll ever be ready for what might happen, but it's been a long time coming.”

S: “You are confronting her today. Aren't you.”

MC: “I don't know about confronting, but yeah. All things go well it'll be today.”

M: “So long as you stay calm, it'll be fine.”

S: “I want to be there.”

There is a slight pause as they both turn to look at me. Both a little unsure of what to make of what I've just said. Monika is the first to change her expression, the stern look once again making way to the confident smile she often wears in the clubroom.

M: “It won't be pleasant, you know that right?”

S: “I know.”

M: “If you are going to be there, you can't react to anything she does. She will likely do more than if you weren't there.”

MC: “You sure you really want to be there too Sayori?”

Trying to think of the right words, this is something I've wanted for a while now. To hear that it could be happening today. I can't tell if I'm nervous, excited, scared or all of them at once.

S: “I want to see the end of this, with my own eyes.”


	37. Chapter Thirty Seven

#  **Chapter 37**

The walk to school is slow. His grip on my hand is firmer than normal. I've seen him nervous before, but something tells me this is more than what is happening today. Any chatter between Monika and MC is short, she is still obviously blaming herself for the two of us being caught up in what was originally meant to be Miko trying to get back at her for the events of the debate club last year. A goal Miko clearly lost sight of.

The longer things dragged out, it felt like more and more she never wanted to tell people about us. That would mean losing control, but not control of me. Of him. Her focus shifted away from trying to make the literature club fold to her trying to use social pressure to drive him away from me. Which in turn likely only made Monika feel worse. The attack on the club she could handle, but as someone who has been one of the most supportive people of us. To be made to feel as if you are the reason for what is happening.

Approaching the front gate, the apprehension I can feel from his hand starts to get worse. Returning the grip to try and calm him. He stops for a moment, looking towards the main entrance. Taking several deep breaths as if he's trying to psyche himself up, I just wish I knew for what. They made it clear that if I was to be there to see, the less I knew would be better. That everything would be explained tonight, but for now they needed my reaction to be as close to genuine as possible.

M: “Sayori, I'm not going to lie. What is about to happen isn't going to be easy for you to watch, but please keep in mind that it's an act.”

S: “But you need me to seem like it hurts for appearances sake. Right?”

MC: “I'm not exactly thrilled about doing this. But in order to get her to be where we need her to be this afternoon. The bait needs to be something she wants.”

S: “Something she wants..? You don't seriously mean..”

MC: “Me.”

M: “Be assertive. From what we've seen so far, she weirdly loves a bit of a power struggle. She hasn't been pushing you to break you like she claims. A reaction is what she really wants.”

S: “What are you going to do..”

MC: “What am I going to do? Nothing.”

M: “But you need to imply you will. Or it won't work.”

MC: “I know that. I just don't exactly want to be that close to her for long.”

S: “How close are we talking here..?”

M: “From the outside it'll look like the other day, but with roles reversed.”

S: “You can't be serious.”

MC: “Which is why I said I'm not going to let anything happen. This better work Monika.”

M: “It will. Trust me.”

I don't like this. I don't like it one bit. They didn't tell me because they knew I'd be against it. Monika seems adamant that whatever he is about to do is needed for everything else to work. I have to trust them on this. I just want this whole mess to be over, I want things to get back to how they were over the summer. I want him to smile again..

Walking in the entrance, Monika making sure the two of stay a little distance behind him. Being made to wait close to my own locker, down the hall I can see Miko at hers. MC has stopped, turning briefly towards us. I can see Monika mouth the words “Be Confident. You got this.” to him. He nods turning his head forward again. Taking steps towards her, she hasn't seen him yet.

I can feel my nails digging into my palms at what I'm seeing. The first thing to happen is he has leaned against the lockers with his shoulder. He only ever does that for me.. When he's waiting for me.. The look on her face shows he at least caught her by surprise, I wish I could hear what they are saying. Whatever is going on, her expression is difficult to read. Surprise, Happy, Confused and that confident sneer she has. It keeps changing between all of these as they talk.

I can see her moving her right arm slowly. She's reaching for his.. like she did the other day.. she's going to hurt him again.. I'm not even able to take a step forward before Monika has hold of me, refusing to let me move forward. I'm stuck watching this from a distance. Her hand nearing the concealed bandage on his left arm. Miko's face breaking when he moves his arm and grabs her hand. Pushing it backwards and pressing his hand up against the locker on the other side of her head. She doesn't know what to think. I can feel my stomach knot as he leans forward.

I'm the only one he should be that close to..

M: “Calm down. Remember this is just to get her attention.”

S: “I know.. but this isn't easy to see.. he's..”

M: “Yours? I never pictured you as the jealous type Sayori.”

S: “I.. That's not true..”

M: “She is likely going to walk this way after, I thought I might need to ask you to pretend to be upset. But it looks like you've got that covered already.”

S: “Wouldn't you be watching this?”

M: “He told you he won't let anything happen.”

S: “Its not him I have the issue with here.”

M: “He told me he stopped you from slapping her.”

S: “I still don't get why he protected her.”

M: “He didn't protect her, he protected you. You were about to slap her, in view of others from the hall. Not only that, she's a member of faculty's daughter. It's why she stayed in the doorway. She was baiting you.”

S: “And I fell for it.. Again..”

From the outside, anyone looking at them would think they were together. He seems to have given up caring what others think of him for this moment. Their foreheads almost touching, but it looks like he is making sure they don't. She on the other hand seems to be enjoying this side of him, just like Monika thought she would. Is it actually working..?

The look on his face changes, becoming considerably more serious as he moves backwards, creating space between them. All it takes is one sentence from him to change hers as well. I've seen a similar look on her face before. When I stood against her at home, as she openly admitted to knowing about what his file contained. An almost amused look This is different though, this time there is interest. Something she wants. Someone.

I don't like this..

**_He could have been like this with someone else._ **

But he.. said yes to me..

**_What had he just stopped you from doing? What else would he have said in that moment?_ **

He wouldn't lie to me..

**_Because he is such an upstanding person. How's the view right now?_ **

Stop it.. He has been there when I needed him.. Always...

**_You do have the habit of being a burden._ **

I'm not... he told me himself...

**_Have you always been there for him in the same way?_ **

...No...

**_How much happiness do you have to rob him of before you will be satisfied?_ **

Get out.. of my..

Feeling a nudge in my side, lifting my head to see Monika looking at me in surprise. Unclenching my hands to see that I'd been digging my nails into both of my palms enough to draw a small amount of blood. Looking forward to see that he had already walked away from Miko, who was now heading in this direction. Slowing down to almost a complete stop as she walks past me, looking at the palms of my hands briefly before I drop them to my sides. Fully expecting her to make a comment about what she has seen. It is almost worse that she says nothing, knowing full well that the reason was I had watched what had happened. All I get is a half smile as her Teal eyes narrow slightly. Despite all the noise in the hall from how many people are there, I can hear her laughing to herself. Even without a sound being made. The twitching of her shoulders as she begins to pick up her pace, not breaking eye contact with me until the very last second before having to face forward again.

Monika is looking at her phone screen, waiting for anything to happen. After about 20 seconds, a small message from MC pops up. 3-C. That's the room he has his final class in today, it's only a few rooms away from Monika's last class. I'm on the floor beneath then, but shouldn't take me long to get there. That has to be why they picked today, they've been spending time getting to know schedules to know when gives them the most time to prepare.

M: “So far so good, I have one more thing I need to arrange for later during lunch. Just for today Sayori, go to the club room during lunch.”

S: “Huh? How come?”

M: “Natsuki and Yuri will join you, so you won't be alone. MC will be with me dealing with the last thing I mentioned. It's probably best she doesn't see the two of you together, trust me on this.”

S: “If he had to act as the bait, then I guess seeing him with me would be suspect. Right?”

M: “Exactly, I'm meeting him where we need to go at lunch to avoid being seen walking with him for the same reason.”

S: “Room 3-C after school then, will you be there?”

M: “Sort of. I'll see you later.”

...Sort of?

Each class I find myself clock watching. Both before and after lunch, with the lunch break itself passing fairly quickly. Yuri and Natsuki helped to kill time, the two of them seem to have really bonded during this. Which would explain why she didn't move back in to our home when given her key back. She chose not to to avoid upsetting Yuri. When I asked how it was staying there, Natsuki said was a nice change of pace. Having someone to talk to other than MC or myself. Thinking about it, I did see Natsuki making a few faces at Yuri during a conversation about MC's singing, causing the already blushing Yuri to glow bright red and stutter her words. I get the feeling she has been told what I was going to be told the day I met with Yuri, which ended up being day 1 of this entire mess. How she really feels.

The sound of the final bell ringing, I can't get out of that room quick enough. Being held up by the inevitable end of day traffic as I make my way upstairs against the flow of people. Arriving at the door to the room. Knocking twice before entering, to find MC in the room alone, no sign of Monika. A look of relief on his face when he sees that it is me, taking me by the hand immediately and leading me into the stationary closet in the corner behind the teachers desk. Much in the same way the it is in the clubroom. Without even giving me time to say hello before pressing his finger lightly against my lips.

MC: “For now, I need you to stay in here, you should be able to hear everything easy enough.”

S: “But..”

MC: “Monika told me how you reacted this morning, show me your hands.”

S: “I'm fine..”

MC: “I'm sure you are, but for this to work, I need you to stay hidden for the first while.”

S: “What are you going to do..?”

MC: “I'm going to try to get her to admit how she got access to our files. So it's very important she doesn't know you are here.”

S: “Okay. I understand.”

With one quick kiss, he lets go of my hands and walks back into the room to wait. You can hear the halls emptying as the building becomes gradually quieter. Until you can hear the alone footsteps from the hall as they approach the room. Without any knocking the door opens then closes, followed by an all too familiar and unwelcome click. From where I am I can't see, in my head I can see her wearing that tormenting grin as I can hear her walk towards him.

Mi: “Some alone time with you, now this is a surprise. Decided to take me up on my offer then?”

MC: “I'd need to know more before I consider it.”

Mi: “Hmmm? Was I not clear enough before?”

MC: “The visit to the music club after Christmas. Why are you so insistent I take part?”

Mi: “Why do you think? They are looking for a male and female vocalist to do some cover songs for a local TV show. I know I'd get chosen and so would you if you entered.”

MC: “So enter then, the vocal parts are separate, you don't need me to enter.”

Mi: “They have given very little details on what the show is, which makes me think its bigger than they are letting on. You could potentially walk into a job out of school doing something you are naturally good at.”

MC: “I'll think about it.”

Mi: “And what about the other half of the offer? Been thinking of that too?”

MC: “..Umm.. Well.. it was.. unexpected..”

Mi: “I'm not hearing a no. You, me. One night together. I did promise to tell you all you wanted after didn't I? I even said I'd leave you and Sayori alone.”

...What..? Is.. she seriously offering him what I think..? Trying to convince him she would leave the two of us alone, after he does something she knows full well would drive the two of us apart. Linking my fingers through each other, to avoid a repeat of earlier. Gripping tightly to try and stop myself from reacting. She doesn't even know I'm here and it's like everything she does is to taunt me. I need to see what is happening, peeking out from the closet, the two of them are fairly close to the door. It almost looks like she is trying to corner him. With her back to me I can't see her expression, but her body language makes it look like she thinks she is in control.

MC: “I..need to know first...”

Mi: “Those aren't the terms I put down, are they?”

MC: “How? How did you get access to our files.”

Mi: “Masato, Masato, Masato. Sometimes I wonder what you think of me.”

MC: “What are you talking about?”

Mi: “You are just so predictable at times, its painfully adorable.”

Reaching into his front blazer pocket and pulling out his phone, she takes a single step back. Pressing the lock button on the side, before dropping it at her feet. He hasn't even had the chance to look down to check for damage to it before she drives the heel of her foot down into the screen. Lifting her foot just enough to reveal the screen for a second before giggling to herself, pressing her foot down onto the screen again and flicking it backwards, sending it sliding across the floor and stopping a few feet from me. To see it laying there, screen and case completely destroyed. It hurts to think how many of our memories were on it, now gone. Glancing between the phone in front of me and the two of them. Reaching out and carefully lifting it without making a sound. Looking at it up close in my hand, something doesn't feel right. Turning it over in my hand a few times to be sure.

This is his old phone. The one he used for the video calls not long ago.

Glancing out from the closet to watch the two of them again. He clearly is trying to keep his distance from her, but can only do so much given the limited space he has between her and the door.

Mi: “You know, for that I should really make it two nights.”

MC: “This isn't even about Monika anymore, is it.”

Mi: “I guess it isn't, but in a way it is. None of this would ever have happened if not for her.”

MC: “So why keep going with this?”

Mi: “You. I have to give Sayori credit, keeping you hidden away all these years to herself. Had it not been for you joining Moni's little club, I'd never have noticed you. Then showing up at the music club, being able to count the people who knew of you on one hand. Put you behind a microphone and it all makes sense. Why she kept you to herself.”

MC: “My joining both of them was because of Sayori. I'm glad she dragged me along to that club meeting. I'm also happy that she pushed me to try music again. She wasn't being selfish at all, it's exactly the opposite. She wanted others to see what she saw in me.”

Mi: “Then I guess I owe her my thanks too.”

S: “Keep it.”

Watching as Miko turns on the spot to see me, I.. I didn't mean to say that out loud.. Stepping out and into the middle of the room. Miko takes several steps in my direction, slow methodical steps that seem to make her hair flick with each one. Stopping before we end up face to face.

Mi: “This just got a little more fun, so Sayori. What do you think of my offer? I'm trying to be fair.”

S: “What you said about the visit. That part is interesting. As for the rest, I don't think you could handle him, Miko. I doubt you would last one night, never mind the two you seem to be demanding now.”

Mi: “Is that right? That sounds like a challenge to me.”

S: “You know what, if you tell us how you got access to those files, you can have him for those two nights. You'll see that I was right. Let me even put your mind at ease.”

Taking my phone out of my pocket, showing her the screen to let her know that it isn't recording before turning it off in front of her and setting it on a desk to the side. Emptying out the rest of my pockets, her smiles gradually growing as she confirms I've got nothing on me.

Mi: “You surprise me Sayori. Such confidence in him. Or maybe you are just underestimating me. Both are a mistake.”

S: “So how about it? You tell us how, you get what you want. He picks afterwards who he wants.”

Mi: “Summer job, working alongside my mother in her office. Being around her so much, over time I watched as she entered her password, learning it bit by bit. Until I'd seen it enough times to know it.”

S: “Did you access them in school or at home?”

Mi: “Both, I had all summer after all.”

MC: “Why Sayori and Yuri though. Why not just me?”

Mi: “Yours was the first I read, this wasn't the first summer I've worked for her. I had no idea it was yours until after I'd seen the others. Now. That's all the questions I'm answering. A girl can't give away all her secrets in one sitting.”

M: “That's alright, we heard and saw more than enough. Oh, MC you have incoming by the way.”

No sooner than she said that, the handle on the door shakes almost angrily. MC leaning over to unlock it and stop the door from flying open and catching him by holding it. Closing the door over and lifting his phone from the top of a filing cabinet next to the door, it had been hidden between some books and a potted plant. I make my way to stand at his side. Miko stood speechless and for the first time looking afraid. Afraid of the person now standing in front of her. The door opening and then closing again as Monika steps into the room.

Mi: “Mom.. I..”

A loud crack fills the room, Miko's face jolting to the side sharply. Unsure of it being out of fear or the shame of being caught. Or even the shock of being struck by her own mother, she doesn't turn her head to face forward again. Her eyes slowly filling as her breathing becomes jagged.

Dr: “Do you have any idea the seriousness of what you have done?! I have worked hard to provide for us since your father ran off, and you put all of that at risk? For what? Clearly you inherited your fathers empathy for others. But I suppose you aren't entirely to blame. I'm embarrassed that I could've possible missed how badly you needed support as well. So. Where do we go from here.”

Turning to face the us. Bowing immediately, Dr. Aiza was nothing if not formal. Worlds apart from her daughter. But that question isn't exactly the easiest to answer.

Where do we go from here?


	38. Chapter Thirty Eight

#  **Chapter 38**

The look on Dr Aiza's face is difficult to read, for the very first time in the situation the choice is ours. We are the ones in control. The look on MC and Monika's faces however shows how limited we are for options. By trying to suggest anything too drastic would raise suspicion of other students. Leading more people to ask more questions, at the same time things cannot continue the way they have been. I cannot and will not allow that.

S: “I want her out of our private lives. Monika's, Yuri's, Natsuki's, Masato and Mine. I don't care where you go. Just stay the hell away from us.”

M: “I'd say that is a fair enough request. As much as I'd love to ask to have her moved to another school, without others finding out about what happened here that isn't a realistic option.”

MC: “Bare in mind Dr, the choice to not escalate this is mostly to keep our private lives just that. You personally helped three people in our group, and we know you aren't entirely to blame here.”

Stepping to the side to look Miko in the face, who has gradually straightened her gaze back to us after being struck. MC takes a step forward to stand next to Dr Aiza, who is nodding quietly in agreement to our statements. In moving, he is putting himself between Miko and myself. It takes a moment for her to lift her head to look at him, which seems to be exactly what he is waiting for.

MC: “I've been where you are. You know this as well as I do from what you have read about me. When you spoke of your father to me, I was listening. Even if it didn't seem like it. You were right, the one thing we had in common was our failure to deal with abandonment. The difference being I took it out on myself, you took it out on others. You refused to ask for help because of how involved you felt your mother was to this problem.”

Mi: “You really were listening..”

MC: “Originally it was to try and find something I could use against you. Only to find out how disturbingly similar your thought process was to my own back then.”

Mi: “Your saying that like its a bad thing.”

MC: “It is. You've seen what I've done, most of them anyway. Do you really think that is okay?”

Mi: “I wouldn't do that to myself.”

MC: “And what about others? What if something you did caused someone else to do something like that? You could face some serious consequences if people found out something happened because of you.”

Why is he playing it so passively? Something did happen because of her. Why doesn't he just outright say it? He's actively trying to avoid saying it. Everyone here knows that..

No. Not everyone.

Dr. Aiza doesn't know about what has happened. Looking over his shoulder at Miko, watching her eyes shift gradually from looking into his, to his left arm. Widening when she realizes what he means, the realization that there is no way out of this on her terms. As she lifts her eyes back to his, this is the first time I've seen her showing any signs of regret, but I can't help but feel unsure if her regret is for what she has done or just because she was caught. It strikes me that this approach he is taking isn't passive at all. He is taking full control of what direction we go.

MC: “I was told, when I lost something close to me, something important. It acted as a trigger point for a complete change in who I was. Maybe your parents divorce did the same to you.”

Mi: “What do you know about me? You think that all we talked about means you know how I think and feel?”

MC: “I know that you are afraid. Afraid of being alone. That you have trouble trusting people.”

Mi: “I didn't ask for your opinion!”

MC: “Tell me I'm wrong.”

Dr: “I let you down as a parent, Miko. I was so focused on trying to help both of us get on with our lives. Trigger point for change. Those are the words I told you during your sessions.”

The silence in the room is overwhelming. The exchange just now reminding me of how much I haven't seen during the time we were apart. She really had been trying to get to know him, and he really had been listening to be able to read her like this. He said himself it was to try and have something to use against her. But that seems to have changed when he started seeing his own problems in her. Trying to help even someone like her, someone who has hurt him and those around him. Even if he can't forgive them. He really is just like his father.

M: “So we are agreed, this stays quiet. Other students or faculty will not find out about what has happened.”

S: “We won't let anyone know of what happened with the files.”

Dr: “In return for Miko not letting anyone know what they contained. From a consequence stand point, this outcome suits everyone the most.”

S: “And she needs to stay out of our private lives”

MC: “Choice is yours Miko. Tell others, which could cost you and your mother everything. Or say nothing.”

Everyone in the room is looking to her, waiting for her response. We know what it is going to be, it couldn't be anything else. Miko's head is tilted downward, eyes looking towards MC, but not really at him. Slowly I can see that smile creeping across her face, sending a chill down my spine which gets stuck with the knot now firmly in my stomach. She has found her answer.

Mi: “Alright, I won't say a thing. I'll also won't speak or approach you during school hours or even at home, without your consent.”

S: “You agree..?”

Mi: “Do you? I think what I've said is more than fair for all parties.”

I turn my head to look at both MC and Monika. He might not have noticed how she is grinning, but Monika definitely has and seems to be equally concerned about it. What she has said is fair, and ideally what we all want. I can't shake a nagging doubt that she hasn't finished. Like there is one more twist of the knife left. Miko slowly begins taking steps towards the door, her eyes fixated at looking into his as she passes him. Stopping as she is next to me and looking sideways to me without turning her head.

Mi: “Of course there will always be Tuesdays.”

M: “Tuesdays?”

S: “The music club.”

Mi: “Being a club it isn't considered school time and we both have our own legitimate reasons for being there. Both being vocalists who are going to be preparing for that visit, we'll likely be practising together. ”

S: “Preparing together? Are you sure you can keep up with him?”

Mi: “We'll just have to see, won't we. One of us has to.”

Flashing her half smile, even for only a second. Miko then reaches for the door handle and steps into the doorway, turning on the spot and putting her hands behind her back. Almost like she is mimicking the way Monika stands like that.

Mi: “So I'll be seeing you tomorrow. Masato.”

As she disappears out of the door, closing it over on her way out. The calm relief I've been waiting for is still yet to happen. It is over, right? Then why doesn't it feel like it. All she had to do was agree. She did, but it was in her usual fashion. Even if she didn't say anything that was wrong, everything about it felt barbed. That in even just knowing that she will always be there on the one afternoon I'm not, she wants me to feel uneasy about it and I'd be lying if I said it didn't.

Dr: “I can only apologize for anything that has happened. I'll be keeping a closer eye on her now that I've seen it with my own eyes.”

MC: “We all know it wasn't your fault, but she needs help, even if she doesn't want it right now. The sooner the better, I wish I had asked sooner.”

S: “That makes two of us.”

MC: “I think I might call in for a few sessions. The last couple of months have been...”

Dr: “Eventful?”

MC: “You could say that.”

Dr: “If possible, I'd like to try a few sessions involving everyone who was there the night you were injured.”

M: “We've kind of avoided talking about it until now, I wanted to suggest doing this just before we found out Miko had access to peoples files.”

MC: “I'm not against it, but we can't really make this decision for Yuri and Natsuki.”

S: “Monika is right though, we have avoided talking about it since you got released from hospital. Everyone has been blaming themselves for it in some way or another.”

Dr: “I'm heading to my office now to change all the passwords. This won't happen again.”

Dr Aiza is the next to the leave the room. It still hasn't sunk in that what has been going on for the last while is meant to be over. Looking at Monika and MC, it is the same for them as well. This should be something we are celebrating, but with her final comments she cemented the notion of I'm always going to be here in place.

After another few minutes pass, we gather our belongings and begin to head home. The dull grey blanket overhead, being ripped in places with small patches of blue allowing some light through summing up exactly how I felt today went. Miko's last parting shot playing on my mind heavily.

_“One of us has to.”_

Do.. I really make him happy?

Is he only still with me because he feels he has to?

Wouldn't someone else make him happier..?

It feels like I'm on auto pilot, walking home, getting changed out of my uniform, going back downstairs and even making myself a drink before taking a seat at the kitchen table. Being a little startled by a small almost rainbow of colours landing in front of me before being spread in a line. Lifting my head to find his familiar and comforting eyes staring back into mine.

MC: “Natsuki is at Yuri's tonight, it's just us. So pick anything you want.”

S: “Anything I want?”

MC: “Doesn't matter where from. Whatever you would like, we'll order.”

S: “What about you?”

MC: “What about me?”

S: “What would you like?”

MC: “Sayori, I'm the least fussy person in our entire group when it comes to food.”

S: “But what would make you happy?”

Watching as he leans forward, looking over all the menus. Out stretching both of his index fingers. I can feel my eyes following them as they move around. The way he is moving them is like he knows I'm watching them, purposely not deciding on anything. Eventually he does stop moving both hands, stopping them on the same menu, covering the name entirely. Instinctively leaning forward to try and read past his fingers. Which is exactly what he wanted me to do. Lifting both of his hands off the table and pressing an index finger either side of my mouth, pressing upwards ever so slightly to force a smile to appear on my face.

Lifting my eyes from the table to look back at him. That half smile of his appearing on his face, sending a warmth to my chest, gradually causing the forced smile on my face to become a real one. As it does, he moves his hands back down to the table and rests them on mine.

MC: “Seeing that is what makes me happy, and I'll keep doing whatever I have to do to keep it there. Even if I have to put it there myself like just now.”

S: “That can't be all you need to be happy.”

MC: “Can't it?”

He moves his right hand to his pocket, lifting out his phone. Setting the phone on top of all the menu's, sliding it towards me. Reaching for my hand again he draws it closer to his phone, prompting me to extend my index finger. As his phone lights up, he guides my index finger across his screen, drawing the unlock pattern. I know what the pattern is, but it didn't feel right to interrupt what he was doing. Something about it just felt, right? He's been the only person in my life to make me feel that way about anything.

Opening to the same icon free page that I had done on the night he was taken to hospital. The background image the same as it was then, the photo we had Monika take for us during the summer of us recreating the photo from our childhood. Looking closely at his expression, it's not just the same half smile he is wearing now. It might not be a full smile by anyone else's standards, but for him it's a much more than normal. I can feel myself almost tearing up at the point he is trying to make.

MC: “But if you still don't believe me, then fine. I'll pick the place, you pick the food.”

Lifting an orange and red menu from the pile and handing it to me, before turning around making his way towards his room to get changed. I can't help but notice that it's the same Malaysian place we ordered from the night Natsuki effectively moved in.

Wait...This is what I would've picked tonight.

Turning to face the stairs to catch a glimpse of him before he disappears at the top. Smiling.

Did he.. pick this on purpose.. For me?


	39. Chapter Thirty Nine

#  **Chapter 39**

It's almost been two weeks since the confronting Miko, since then she hasn't approached us at all. It's been nothing but passing glances and silence. The only contact anyone has had with her has been on Tuesday when MC and Miko are both at the music club. Given how many people are in that club compared to our own, there would be too many people around at all times for her to try anything.

That should comfort me, but it doesn't. Just knowing she is there is bad enough, but I can't and won't force him to quit. I couldn't do that to him, not because it was me that pushed him to try it, but because I've seen how much effort he is putting in to this. Watching as he becomes more and more comfortable performing in front of others and not just me. It is both equally frustrating and saddening to see him suffer confidence problems in the first place. The events of the last few years completely devastated any and all confidence he had for performing. Even if he never stopped being able to sing in front of me, there was a time where he wouldn't at all, even in private.

Now that it's December, we've both starting worrying about what to get each other for Christmas. It was difficult enough to decide on what to do for Christmas day. Eventually deciding on spending it at my parents house, with Natsuki joining us. She is basically family now after all. Despite how she might act at times, the words she spoke when first seeing MC in the hospital clearly had significant meaning to her.

Being a Friday afternoon, in an attempt to try to decide on a present for him, we made sure he went home before the four of us headed out. Walking past shop front after shop front, hoping that inspiration might jump out at one of us. The only person who didn't seem to struggle to think of something to get him was Natsuki, she picked out a mixture of anime and manga bits, majority of which went towards a figure for his computer desk. I'll admit to silently nodding along as she explained her choice of a character named Violet who had metal arms to three other people who didn't know a thing about what she was talking about.

N: “You have no idea what to get him do you.”

S: “He's hard to buy for! He usually just buys things if he wants or needs them.”

M: “Even at this time of year?”

S: “He wasn't always like this. It's just.. you know.”

Y: “He doesn't like asking for things. Does he?”

S: “Not one bit.”

Y: “I can understand that. He probably sees it as being independent.”

N: “It's a little more complicated than that, but you aren't wrong.”

M: “I guess the two of you are more similar than you originally thought.”

N: “If you are getting at how we both didn't have anyone to ask for things, then yeah. I guess so.”

S: “But he always had me or my family if he needed anything. He just would refuse to ask. On more than one occasion he went to go buy a new game when it was pouring with rain, I ended up going with him for the sole reason of it meant I could ask my dad to give him a lift.”

Every now and again we would get distracted looking in shop windows for ourselves and each other. By now we had all agreed he was definitely the most difficult to buy for. Despite already having her gift for him, Natsuki was happy to point out how much more stressful it was picking out something for him from that store. Having to walk the fine line of not picking a more risqué character because of me.

Stopping outside a jewellery store, I begin scanning over some large faced male watches. Several remind me of one he used to have. It has been years since I've seen him wear one. The last time being not long after his fathers funeral. He had always had a little bit of an anxious tick, where he would play with the locking clip of his watch. Which became much worse after the funeral, to the point where it wouldn't stay locked. Given his unpredictable moods at the time he ended up throwing it across the room and breaking it.

M: “A watch isn't a bad idea.”

Y: “I think he would like it too.”

N: “Yeah, but look at those prices.”

S: “I know he used to have a watch in a similar style to these, but.. Natsukis right.. I can't afford these..”

M: “Why don't you ask your dad if he can help out? He's quite fond of MC right?”

Y: “That's true, he might be more inclined to help if you say who it's for.”

S: “I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask?”

Taking a few steps away from the group, taking my phone out of my back pocket. It takes a moment for me to press the call button after scrolling down my contacts to reach the number. Ringing several times before my dad picks up.

SD: “You've reached dads taxi, from where do you need picking up from?”

S: “Hi dad, no we don't need a lift, well not yet anyway. Actually I was calling for something else.”

SD: “You're still out shopping? Have you decided on a gift for Masato yet?”

S: “Yes, I was thinking about getting him a watch, but.. the ones I know he would like are a bit.. much..”

SD: “A watch?”

S: “Is that a bad idea?”

SD: “No, actually that is a great idea. In fact I have one I know he will love. Especially if it comes from you.”

S: “Dad I don't want to give him one of your old watches.”

SD: “It's not mine.”

S: “Huh? What do you mean it isn't yours?”

SD: “I was going to give it to him when you both finished school, but with how this last few months has been. No harm in letting him have it earlier. We can pick it up from the deposit box tomorrow.”

S: “Deposit box? What? Since when did you have one of those?”

SD: “For about 6 years, give or take. You'll understand tomorrow. Give me a call when you guys are done and need me, I have to go help your mother with some decorations.”

S: “Yeah, will do. Bye dad.”

SD: “See you later sweetheart.”

I whole point of that call was to ask my dad one question, which I didn't actually get to do. Instead I'm coming away with several more questions that I'm meant to be getting answered tomorrow.

The rest of the shopping trip was a little more successful, Yuri managed to pick up some light novels that Natsuki recommended to give to him. She even picked up a couple for herself, she might not be a fan of manga, but has shown interest at the sound of some of the stories and worlds in them. I've tried to take interest in these sorts of things for him before, but the sheer number of different shows, series and genres was overwhelming. Having Natsuki around to share that with him has really been a bit of a blessing in that regard.

Monika decided to go for some minimalistic band merchandise of things we know he likes. The kind that only have images from album covers on them, without names on them to avoid being labelled as a fanboy. I got a small mixture of both of those, it did take some quite difficult question avoiding when the others asked if I had changed my mind about the watch. These were mostly token gifts, to give him more to unwrap. He often says he hates that I go out of my way to wrap everything individually, but he would never stop me from doing it. He knows how much this time of year means to me.

After dropping Yuri and Monika home, as we are getting out of the car outside my parents house. My dad suggests that we leave what we have bought with him, so that MC doesn't see any of it. Natsuki and I both agree, I had already said I'd wrap Natsuki's for her and I'm pretty sure this is my dads way of suggesting I don't come over often enough.

Meeting my dad the next morning, the car journey is a little slower than normal due to weekend traffic. Eventually we reach a branch of a bank at the other side of town. After speaking to someone behind a desk, we both get led through several secure doors to a small area at the back filled with small boxes. The room itself felt like a ridiculously secure school locker room, but one where the rows of small lockers went about three times higher than normal.

Putting his key into the box in our family's name, judging by the immediate odour that dispersed just as quickly, the box hasn't been opened for a while. Looking in at the contents, nothing in here seems to even belong to us? Watching as my dad reaches in and lifts out a small black box, opening it to reveal a watch not unlike the ones I was looking at yesterday. Comparing the time against his own watch, its then I recognise it. The watch in the box is almost identical to my dads.

SD: “Looks like we need to get a new battery for it.”

S: “Dad..? Does this watch.. belong to his..”

SD: “Everything in this box does.”

S: “But why do we have them?”

SD: “Because unfortunately getting divorced can be messy, Sayori. There were certain things that he didn't want getting taken away. Everything in this box he had planned on giving Masato when he finished high school. With the exception of that watch, I still will.”

S: “But why was none of it in his will?”

SD: “If it was in the will, she may have contested it for being excluded from the divorce. So what do you think then? Are you going to give him this?”

S: “It's perfect.. It'll be from all of us?”

SD: “Just you.”

S: “...Are you sure that's okay?”

SD: “It'll mean more coming from you, but if he does ask, I'll tell him everything.”

This is only going to be our first Christmas together as a couple, the first of hopefully many. But if I'm to give him this, I can't see how at any stage I'd ever be able to top it any time soon.

Just like he suggested, we stopped off on the way home and got the battery replaced. It was another drive to the other side of town again. My dad is nothing if not stubborn, he refuses to go anywhere but one place to deal with anything watch related. The older man in the store seemed to know my father and he definitely recognised the watch. Commenting on that he hadn't seen it in quite a few years, with a brief mention of the day the two of them bought them at the same time and how time flies by if its now being passed on.

Arriving home, I run up to my parents bedroom. It seems to be a yearly Christmas tradition, that I would wrap gifts, both from me and other peoples as well, but it would never be in my own room. Paper, labels and tape sprawled out across my parents bed so that I wouldn't have to be too hunched over while wrapping. First and foremost, the watch.

Taking my time to make sure it was sitting perfectly in its case and that the time and date were correct. It took me three attempts to be happy with how the wrapping turned out. Despite its simple shape, the first two attempts just weren't perfect enough. Everything about this had to be right. The folds on the sides, the ribbon and bow finishing touches to the outside. Even the label, To MC just wasn't going to be good enough this year, scrapping idea after idea from my notepad. This was more difficult than any poem I'd written for the club.

It took nearly two hours, for this one gift. Only 25 minutes of was the actual wrapping, but eventually I stepped back, happy with what I had put on a carefully chosen label to match both the ribbon, bow and paper, written in silver pen.

To My Masato.

Merry first Christmas! Looking forward to many more together! I love you.

Forever yours,

Sayori.

Standing up straight, carefully lifting the only present I'd managed to wrap so far. Knowing what was inside, I wanted to take it to him right now, but the thought of seeing his face on christmas day is what keeps me from doing that. For now, I make my way downstairs to put it safely under the tree. One down, only about two dozen more to go.

**_December 25th._ **

Being woken up by MC moving to check the time on his phone. Through half open eyes I can see that it's still before 9am. Far too early for me today. Pulling in closely to him and resting my head on his chest, we both know full well that this is both because I enjoy laying together like this and to prevent him from going anywhere. I can hear his breathing change, like he is about to tell me we need to both get up.

Lifting my hand from his chest and placing my index finger on his lips as he is about to speak. In my own head I spoke very clearly that I was not ready to get out of bed yet, and neither was he. The reality is that I made a noise you would expect from an angry disapproving toddler that has just been woken up. I can feel his lips curling up under my finger as he tries not to laugh, failing miserably. All I can bring myself to do is stand my ground by moving even closer so that he won't be able to sit up.

This managed to get me at least another forty five much needed minutes. After which we take our turns to both get showered and dressed, we head downstairs to be greeted by Natsuki, who in anticipation of the large meal later has decided not to cook breakfast and just have some cereal. Not a bad decision, my mum has always gone overboard when it comes to Christmas dinner. Even more so the last two years as MC joined us. Now with Natsuki joining us, the amount she made the year before would still have been too much, but I can guarantee she has done more this year.

As the three of us walk towards my parents, each of us carrying gifts from MC for people. It makes me thankful that we kept and wrapped all of the others there. It would have taken a few extra trips for just the presents alone. Natsuki under the present she is helping to carry has a plastic container filled with some secret dessert that she wouldn't let either of us see or even be near as she was making and decorating it, especially me. Once inside, we put the gifts with the others around the tree, Monika's and Yuri's gifts are here as well. They must have dropped them round knowing we would be coming here today. Turning around as I stand up to see a wide eyed Natsuki looking into the next room where all the food was. It's painfully obvious that celebrating Christmas is something she hasn't done for a while.

S: “You alright there Natsuki?”

N: “Is this seriously all for today?”

S: “Yes and no. The next few days will involve a lot of leftovers.”

N: “But this much? Really?”

S: “You are more than welcome to as much as you want. If its anything like last year, quite a bit of this will be going over to the other house after too. Probably more this year since there is three of us there.”

N: “I.. I'm going to see if your mum needs a hand..”

Today is going to be an emotional day by the looks of it. Glancing over to the present that I know contains the watch, I get hit by a wave of anxiety. It's not that I doubt he'll appreciate it, if it is what my dad said it was, its going to hit him pretty hard. At the same time I want to see it, I want to see his reaction. I'm still a little lost in thought as we sit down at the table.

SD: “You've out done yourself again this year dear.”

S: “That was amazing mum.”

MC: “Thanks for inviting me over, it was all delicious Mrs..”

SM: “Masato.”

MC: “Um.. Yes? Mrs..”

SM: “That, right there. You don't need to be so formal when talking to me.”

MC: “Ah.. sorry.. Ko.. Koharu..”

SM: “That's better.”

SD: “Shall we start with the gifts?”

Making our way into the other room, my dad starts dishing out gifts. Opening gifts addressed to me, Yuri has got me a small selection of miniature Me to You bears, Monika has put together a photo album of both club meetings and our trip away, with some pictures being as recent as our shopping trip earlier this month. Natsuki has joined Yuri in getting me the miniature bears, the two of them have done this together to make sure they didn't buy duplicates. Out of the corner of my eye I can see my dad handing him the gift from me.

MC: “To me, Love Sayori.”

S: “That's not what the label says.”

N: “Yeah 'Masato', why don't you read the rest of it?”

MC: “I uhh.. It's just..”

As his face goes red, both my parents starting laughing at how for the most part around my mother he is still the same old shy boy from next door. Yet nobody has told him they already know what it says. Over the last few years he has had plenty of exposure to my dad, while he may still try his best to be his best around my dad. Around her he feels he has to be the perfect gentleman. Putting himself under unnecessary stress.

Opening the paper carefully instead of just ripping it off, it feels like he is taking extra care with it. The significance of this being our first Christmas as a couple evident in his actions. Setting the undamaged paper down on the floor next to him along with the ribbon, bow and label. Lifting the lid to the box upwards so it sits open by itself. His expression almost shattering the moment he sees what's inside. Locked in a state of disbelief as he carefully lifts it out of the box and takes hold of the metal bracelet. Turning the watch face around in his hand, like he is looking for something.

Whatever it is he is looking for is clearly there. Not even a few seconds after turning it over, he begins shaking. Trying to keep his composure in front of my parents. Feeling responsible for his reaction I rush over and hold him, allowing him to hide his eyes from others in my shoulder, looking downward at the watch in his hand. Looking down at it, on the back of the face is an engraving he used to confirm it was his fathers. Something that I hadn't seen myself until now.

Masato

06:39

9/4/2000

MC: “I turned.. my house upside down.. looking for this.. how..”

S: “We had it.”

MC: “You had it..? How? Why?”

S: “Well.. umm.. dad?”

SD: “Your father asked me to hold onto it. He had planned to give it to you when you finished High School.”

MC: “But it wasn't mentioned in his will.. I was afraid she.. had taken it in the divorce.”

SD: “That is exactly why he gave it to me. He wanted to be sure you got it.”

Lifting his left sleeve just enough to push the bracelets he hides behind onto his hand then off entirely. Sliding the watch into his left hand, moving it until it sits with the metal folding buckle where his bracelets would be. Locking it onto his arm, I can see him look at his wrist for a moment instead of the watch itself. With where it is sitting, even with it moving ever so slightly it covers his scar enough that of all the ones he was wearing, the only one he puts back on is the faded red one with the light blue S on it.

It takes a while, but he eventually lifts his head from my shoulder to look me in the eyes. Putting the watch on seems to have calmed him down, but the surge of emotion from before is still visible in his now red eyes.

MC: “Thank you.. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to make this up to you..”

S: “I don't need you to. Being able to see how much that means to you is more than enough.”

Leaning back down into my shoulder, I can physically feel his breathing being jagged. Causing me to hold him tighter than before. I can see his finger sitting just below the face of the watch, gently tracing the lower half of the outside. Regaining control of his breathing for just a moment, enough for him to speak. So quietly that if I hadn't been holding him I wouldn't have heard it.

“I miss you..”


	40. Chapter Fourty

#  **Chapter 40**

Watching his reaction, from the moment he opened the lid of the box to reading the engraving. This watch means more to him that I could of imagined. To the point where he is conflicted on how to express himself. It's like he is refusing to show how this really makes him feel. I have no doubt that if it was just the two of us, he would open up to me. Even if it was the two of us and Natsuki, as she also knew what it was like to lose a parent so young. In front of my parents though, he seems to be forcing himself to hold it together, all while completely aware how much worse it makes him feel.

It's been nearly 10 minutes since he last spoke, eyes only moving away from the watch on his wrist temporarily as we continue opening gifts. Looking like he is going to lose the fight with himself, he stands slowly

MC: “I'm sorry..I.. need a moment, excuse me.”

SD: “Take as long as you need.”

SM: “We're here if you need us as always Masato.”

MC: “Thank you.. I won't be long.”

I feel a little helpless as he walks towards the door to leave the room, holding onto his hand for as long as I can. Feeling his grip tighten ever so slightly before letting go. Listening carefully to where he goes after he exits the room, its unmistakeably the front door. I start to get to my feet, but the looks from both of my parents are telling me to give him more time before following. Sensing that something might be very wrong, Natsuki is the one to ask the question I need an answer to.

N: “Is.. he going to be alright..?”

SD: “He will be, it's no surprise he still gets like this.”

S: “Should I have waited until we were alone before giving him it..?”

SM: “It's not that dear. With everything that happened after the funeral. He never took the time to mourn properly.”

SD: “He was waiting on her to help him through it, which never happened. We did everything we could, everything he would allow us to. Even going as far as depending on you Sayori, to be around him when he wouldn't let others close, but at that time all he wanted was her.”

N: “You're talking about his mother, aren't you.”

SM: “Unfortunately, yes we are.”

SD: “What she has done to that boy is unforgivable, both when she first left and then her false promise to be there when he needed her more than ever. Part of me wanted to contact her when he was first admitted. To tell her exactly what she had caused.”

N: “First admitted? You mean you know about what happened?”

SM: “We were made his legal guardians after his father passed. They had to inform us because of his age. So it's true that the rest of you know as well then, not just Sayori.

S: “All four of us know, and it doesn't change a thing. How I think or feel about him, if there was any change it's that I want to be there for him even more.”

N: “I can't really judge can I.. Look what my own dad did to him..”

SD: “You need to stop being so hard on yourself for what happened, Natsuki. None of it was because of you.”

N: “It's.. hard not to be.. he gave me a home, helped me try to be free of my dad. Looked after me, doing what he believed to be right, and it could have cost him everything.. Even when he was discharged.. he came home and started acting like nothing had happened.. Like he wasn't angry.. like there was nothing to forgive..”

SM: “Because that is what his father would have done.”

Listening to my parents talk about him in this way, you don't need to be a genius to see that they have also never forgiven his mother. It is hard to gauge what gets to them more, the way she seemingly walked away from her life so easily, or what happened after the funeral. I know from seeing how my dads behaviour was just after MC was taken to hospital. As he spoke to the doctor about the previous admission, before finding out I was in the room. He is harbouring resentment and guilt over what happened when he made the attempt on his own life.

Guilt for allowing MC to move back into the house alone too early, which may have been largely down to the fact he knew he had been expecting the call from his mother. Which led to him shutting himself away and eventually spiralling into depression and self harming.

Resentment for how she left things, she didn't just walk away from her family, she walked away from everything. Due to how close our parents had been, both of them likely felt betrayed, as well as angry over what she did. More so for his sake these days than their own.

Looking over at the remaining gifts, only a couple remain. From MC to Natsuki and myself. Natsuki's are mostly clothes she picked out, not trusting his judgement. Any clothing picked out for me, I had chosen myself then had Monika less than subtly help him do his shopping, but those aren't the real present. While Natsuki and the others have no idea what he has planned for new years, I do. He accidentally left an email open when going to the bathroom a while back. Confirming dates of a rental property for 5 days, through the same property owner of the one we used during the summer. He also invited my parents, although due to work commitments they can't stay for the whole time and have to leave early. He did make me promise not to look at the place. So I know when we are going, but have no idea what the area is like, or the house.

Thirty-five minutes pass and he still hasn't come back, Natsuki has joined my mother in the kitchen to help clear up and put away the left over food. I've already been told to stop pacing around the room by my dad. My left leg bouncing up and down as it shows my restlessness. I don't like this, waiting. I should be there. Just like I should have been back then. I knew this could happen, I knew how much that present would mean to him. All that time he spent shut away in his house, hiding what he had done from me. I thought it was he way of dealing with things, of coping. The impression I got from my parents reaction earlier, it's what they believed at first too. Only to be proven so horribly wrong. All because of her. She did this to him. Not once, but twice. It's been nearly ten years since she walked away, yet the damage she inflicted to those around her is still being felt, especially by him.

SD: “You're worried about him, aren't you?”

S: “Of course I am. I know this time of year is hard on him.”

SD: “He won't do anything stupid. What you gave him will make sure of that.”

S: “How can you know for definite?”

SD: “Right now he'll be remembering, good memories. Times he misses but understands he can't have back.”

S: “I thought you said he hadn't mourned properly?”

SD: “This was the part he needed to do. If I had known that giving him the watch would have helped with this process, I'd have done it years ago. He only ever let himself do once a year until now.”

S: “Once a year? Oh.. you mean when he goes to his dads..”

Nodding slowly so that I didn't need to finish that sentence. I want to believe my dad, but with everything I know now compared to back then, I don't like leaving him alone. Maybe I'm being over protective, more so than ever with how our relationship has grown since April.

Another 10 minutes pass before I hear the front door open again, without even thinking I've jumped to my feet and rushed to greet him. Opening the door to the hall and leaning around the frame to look at him. In my head I had an image of him looking upset, but he looked absolutely fine, no red puffy eyes, nothing. In a strange way that almost concerned me more. As he closes the door behind him while he takes off his shoes. I seize the moment to step out from the door frame and wrap my arms around him from behind, resting my head against his back to try and hear his heart. Tightening my grip around him when I realize that he didn't go into our home and had been outside without a coat. He's freezing cold and now so am I.

S: “Hey you.”

MC: “Sorry about that. I only meant to step outside and ended up going for a walk.”

S: “In just a long sleeve T-shirt?”

MC: “It wasn't that bad.”

S: “You're freezing cold, upstairs and into the bath now. We don't need you getting sick before we even tell the others about the trip.”

MC: “I can't just take a bath or shower in your parents house Sayori, I wasn't outside that long.”

The door to the kitchen opens just as he finishes that sentence, we both turn our heads at the same time to see who is coming through to find my mother staring back at the two of us. Without so much as a word, a reaction I've seen countless times over the years of her maternal instincts kicking in, one hand goes straight to the back of his head to pull his forehead against hers as the other feels what his hand is like. Even though she has done this for both of us, the way our relationship has changed in the last year seems to make him both embarrassed and nervous about being that close to someone who isn't me. After a moment to gauge his temperature, my mother moves her head back to speak directly to him.

SM: “Sayori is right. Upstairs now.”

MC: “But I feel fi..”

SM: “No buts. Go warm up.”

MC: “Yes Mrs..”

He barely even finishes the word before the hand on the back of his head is tightly pulling his hair, causing him to cut short. He doesn't need to be told where he went wrong, she has already corrected him on this after we had finished eating and he knows it. Keeping his eyes shut while trying not to laugh he manages to speak just enough to be let go.

MC: “Sorry, Koharu. I'll go now.”

SM: “That's better.”

As he resigns to the fact he cannot get out of this, MC makes his way upstairs after I eventually stop holding on to him around his middle. With nothing left to do but wait for him to come back down, I join the others back in the living room to open the few remaining gifts. Natsuki looked a little confused but very intrigued at the card telling her about the additional gift for when we all met on the 26th. Having gotten to know him, she knows by now that he has something for us as a group.

With MC rejoining us, the rest of the evening passes peacefully, the only notable events being a couple of times he spaced out while looking at the watch as it sits unbuckled around the palm of his hand. Looking considerably more relaxed than when he first held it. Saying our goodbyes and thanking my parents for having us makes it feel like I don't see them often enough. I really should come over more.

Our very short walk back to our house next door almost mimicking the one from this morning, replacing unopened gifts with plastic containers of various left overs. We do manage to make it in one trip, even if unlocking the door while balancing the containers almost caused all three of us to drop what we were carrying. His because of fumbling with keys, Natsuki and myself from trying to not laugh.

A few minutes of playing fridge jenga with all the plastic containers and the kitchen side is finally left over free. Being Christmas day must have put both Natsuki and MC in a good mood, the amount they yelled at each other while trying to make room for everything was still in the single digits, but only just. I used to grow a little tired listening to them argue constantly. Since his recovery they don't argue as often as they did before. Listening to Natsuki talk earlier today was a bit of an eye opener as to how much she still blames herself for what happened, I was so preoccupied then with worrying that she blamed me for the same reason I was, but it ran much deeper than that. She blamed herself for his involvement in her situation from the very beginning, to the night she first came here.

Waking up the next morning to find us laying in one of my favourite ways is always a great start to a day. His right arm running under my pillow, his left arm wrapped around my middle and his legs tucked in behind mine. The back of my head resting against his chest. Both reminding me how much taller he is that me now and making me feel safe from the rest of the world. The only difference being I can feel that he fell asleep still wearing the watch. I may be the first awake, but I'm not going to be the first to move. I'm more than happy to stay like this until the others arrive and more.

As I feel myself start to slowly fall back asleep from my refusal to move, his arm around me tenses, looking down to see his hand grabbing hold of the duvet tightly. A small jolt from the rest of his body coupled by him breathing quickly while trying to stay quiet lets me know he's definitely awake now. His arm releasing the cover and softly embracing me, all while I stay pretending I'm still asleep. I'm normally quite a heavy sleeper, whispering and talking to me wouldn't stir me in the slightest. Knowing this, he speaks quietly behind me as he rests his forehead against the back of my neck for comfort, making staying still extremely difficult.

“Why haven't they stopped yet..”


	41. Chapter Fourty One

# Chapter 41

Hearing him say that sends a chill down my spine. If this were the other way around, waking him would be the first thing I'd do, but he doesn't want to do that. The nightmares I'd been getting had faded, still getting them from time to time. But it not being exclusively ones related to seeing his scars for the first time anymore.

If he is still experiencing the same one, knowing now that his stability can fluctuate wildly. What have I done to him.. I've been so focused lately looking at what I can do to help because of what other people have put on him, leaving me completely blind to the fact he's still suffering because of what he saw me trying to do only a matter of minutes after confessing to him how I felt.

_The alternative wasn't much better._

If he hadn't stopped me, he would have followed me..

_No matter what you had done._

_He was always going to suffer because of you._

Then I have to be there.. So he can lean on me the way I always have him.

_Even if it means seeing him hurt even more?_

Especially because it means that.

Turning under his arm so that my head tucks into his chest, taking him by surprise as he still thought I was asleep. His arm tightening its grip around me when he sees that I'm fighting back the urge to break down and cry.

S: “I'm sorry..”

MC: “..You were awake..? You heard me didn't you.”

S: “If I hadn't.. been so stupid.. You wouldn't be..”

MC: “I could just as easily say the same, Sayori.”

S: “How often..”

MC: “Do I still have them?”

Nodding softly against him, tucking my arm under his and resting my hand on the back of his shoulder, using it as an anchor to hold myself tucked into his chest. My own thoughts seeing fit to not continue arguing with me, but to remind me of the look in his eyes the moment he found me halfway through my attempt to hang myself.

MC: “It's hard to say, sometimes its weeks without, other times its several a night.”

S: “Is it.. always the same thing..?”

He knows what I'm asking, while he has never went into detail of how it plays out. I know from the several different nightmares I've experienced like this, that it would be replaying the events of that night in his head, but making it so he couldn't reach me.

I did this to him.

MC: “It's alright, what matters is right now, because you are here and that's all I need.”

S: “You didn't answer my question..”

MC: “You were likely told the same thing in therapy as I was recently. Its natural for impactful events to affect our dreams.”

Impactful? That isn't the word that was used at all in therapy and he knows it. Again he is avoiding the question, using words to make this less serious. When this was the other way around, he would stay up so that I could get back to sleep, by making me feel safe and secure.. when he was first hospitalized I couldn't sleep at all, even actively fought against falling asleep. So that I didn't have to have those dreams. With my head still tucked into his chest, I open my eyes to look up at him. Before tilting my head to look up, glancing around at my surroundings. I catch a glimpse of the now mostly healed cut on his left arm from a month ago. My eyes stopping and becoming fixated on it, as the pieces of what he just said and how I'd lived it myself not even three months before he had click together.

_“Because you are here.”_

The sleep deprivation, it wasn't that he couldn't sleep, its that he wouldn't. Refusing to fall asleep so that he both wouldn't have to have those nightmares or wake up to find I wasn't there. It's exactly what I did, the difference being he did it for almost twice the length of time, causing himself to snap and do that to himself. Meaning he has been hiding how bad they really are at night from me.

MC: “Now come on, time to get up and ready, Monika and Yuri will be round later.”

It takes a few minutes before I move my hand from his shoulder, preventing either of us from getting out of bed. He's the first to use the bathroom, while waiting I find myself browsing on my phone about reoccurring bad dreams. Not finding out anything I didn't know. He refuses to say it in front of me, but its clear that since walking in and finding me, he's been dealing with and more recently trying to hide the fact that he is dealing with the same things that keep coming up no matter how many different places I look for another answer. Anxiety, Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Inner conflict from earlier in an individuals life that remain unresolved. I find myself having to stop reading, it could be any or even all of them. Closing the tab I'd be using to browse before taking my turn in the bathroom.

Sitting down around the kitchen table after moving all of the plastic tubs carefully to the middle. Each of us filling a plate with leftovers of three courses now rolled into one, with the exception of MC who is pouring soft drinks for Natsuki, Monika and the two of us, waiting for the kettle to finish boiling for Yuri. Making the usual post Christmas day small talk while thanking each other for the gifts.

M: “Thanks again for the jeans MC.

MC: “I don't know why any of you are thanking me, none of you actually let me pick anything.”

N: “That's because you know, you're you.”

MC: “Right... I clearly only pick terrible things.”

N: “I know, right? Your music, your clothes...”

MC: “My lodger.”

I don't know if its just because it has been a while since we had a problem free gathering like this. Even if he only joined the club at the start of the year, there is a strange almost nostalgic feeling about this. The two of them silently glaring at each other while Monika and myself try to suppress laugher. Even Yuri, who this time eight months ago would be silently retreating behind her hair is sat using a tea cup to hide her mouth as her shoulders gently shake from her own attempts to not laugh.

N: “So what was that card mentioning yesterday?”

M: “So it isn't just Yuri and myself that don't know?”

N: “Neither of them have told me a thing.”

S: “I only found out by accident, even then I only know the dates. I was barred from looking.”

Y: “I didn't want to be the one to ask, but I am curious as to what you have planned.”

Placing both a tablet and his phone on the table in front of the others. The phone showing what I already know, dates of arriving and leaving. The tablet showing cycling photos of the place and the surrounding area. Nobody knows quite what to say at first, wide eyes and stunned expressions all around. Monika moving the tablet to show the area map and taking a good look at it

.

M: “I know this area, or know of it I should say. My parents always stop off at the same place on the outskirts to refill the car on the way back from my grandparents.”

Y: “It looks beautiful and a little remote?”

N: “How are we even meant to get there? Yuri is right it looks a bit out there.”

MC: “It's just under two hours away from here by train. With no transfers.”

S: “How far is the station from the place?”

MC: “Fifteen, maybe twenty minute walk at most”

Y: “This place looks expensive MC.”

M: “I'm with Yuri, this looks like it's way too much.”

MC: “It's fine. I dealt with a freeloader problem. It all came from that.”

There is a small silence as none of the others know what he means. I do though, I think it is the first time I've ever heard him openly talk badly of his mother in front of people outside of my family. Monika and Yuri both turn from looking at him to Natsuki a few times. Which she picks up on and her face changing from the wide eyed excitement from seeing where we are going to glowering, resorting to her classic defence of 'If I'm louder than you, I'm right'.

N: “HE DOESN'T MEAN ME!”

MC: “You're right, I don't mean you.”

N: “See?!”

M: “Still, that place looks..”

MC: “It's already dealt with, don't worry about it.”

Y: “We leave on the 29th?”

MC: “Route, tickets, all already taken care of.”

S: “Any bags we don't want to carry on the way or can afford to send home a few days early can go in my parents car.”

M: “Are they coming too?”

MC: “Yeah, but we'll barely see them, their room is separate from the rest of the house, and they have to come home before we do.”

Y: “I'm sure it'll be nice for them to have a break away too.”

S: “It has been a while since they took an actual trip away.”

MC: “Shirahama, we stayed a 10 minute walk from the beach.”

S: “Oh yeah, we went with you and your...”

MC: “It's okay. You don't need to avoid saying it for my sake.”

I'm a little conflicted right now. He seems fine with reminiscing, at least on the outside. Yes they are good memories, but I know from all the nights both prior to our relationship and during it that I've been staring at photos of days gone by. They bring both comfort in the joy of knowing such a time and pain in knowing we can't have them back. That the pictures we took then can never be retaken.

While Monika and Yuri talk about past holidays of their own, I can't stop thinking back to the last one my parents went on, with MC and his father to Shirahama. Enjoying meals out as a group, spending time alone with him on the beach. Being worry free, mostly because he did all the worrying for me. It was the first time I'd gone to the beach actually nervous about my choice of outfit and what he would think of it. Thinking about it, it was the first trip that our parents took a step back. Allowing us to do what we wanted, to plan our own days. Like they had gone out of their way to push the two of us together.

It takes a few minutes of searching, but I do manage to find some pictures from that holiday among all of the older unsorted files on my families cloud storage. Some of our families together, pausing as I notice how much like his father he has grown to look like. The hardest image to see of all though, was a picture of the two of us on the beach. With him in just shorts, topless. Before the scars.

These are treasured memories, for both families. So why does this hurt to see..?

_Because you can't have this back._

Before I have the chance to turn my phone screen off, it gets lifted from my hand by Monika. She managed to catch a glimpse of what I was looking at, noticing that I wasn't about to show the others. It's something that grabs everyone attention, being so far out of her usual behaviour pattern.

M: “My, my. Don't the two of you look adorable.”

N: “Ohh, let me see.”

Y: “Is this from the trip you mentioned?”

MC: “Ah.. Um, yeah. That is.”

M: “So you didn't use to be so pale.”

MC: “I can't exactly go around dressed like that anymore.”

Flicking through image after image from the holiday, stopping on one of our entire group taken on an auto timer. All three of them stop talking to look carefully, MC isn't like me. He doesn't keep a lot of photos on display around the house aside from a few of the two of us. Their sudden silence causing him to look over at the image as well, staring blankly for a moment before smiling.

Y: “You really do resemble him a lot.”

MC: “You think so? I don't think we look much a like there.”

M: “Not then MC, Yuri means now.”

N: “They aren't wrong. If I didn't already know the wimpy kid to his right was you, you could have told me that it was you in 10 years.”

MC: “Sayori?”

S: “Well.. you.. have grown quite a bit since.. I guess.. you do look like.”

M: “Oh come on Sayori, there is nothing 'a bit' about it.”

Y: “It's natural to share appearance traits with your parents. I take after my mother quite a bit.”

N: “I guess you could say I take after mine as well.”

Its pretty difficult to argue with genetics. After all I also take after my mother quite a bit and he knows it. After a while he begins flicking through the photos at a slow pace so we can each see them. Happy memory after happy memory, until it lands on a photo of MC. Completely unaware that a picture of him is being taken, standing with primarily the left side of his body facing the camera, while looking out towards the ocean. Seeing him like this, again I feel that twinge in my chest. Unlike the picture we retook during the summer, this one can never be relived.

_He's gone and you're never getting him back._

M: “Sayori..? Were you sneakily taking pictures of MC?”

S: “What?! No! I wouldn't do that..”

Y: “Are you sure?”

S: “Why would I need to sneak pictures of him.. We have so many of us together.”

N: “So.. the fact that your parents and his dad are in the background, all the way back here means what?”

M: “Sayori, I'm going to ask again. Were you taking pictures of MC?”

S: “I uh... don't.. remember..?”

N: “You really are bad at lying Sayori.”

The others begin giggling at me being exposed as the one who took this image, I'm left to put on a fake sad pout and try to get sympathy from him. Which doesn't seem to be working as he given up looking at the images to go back to eating. Grabbing my phone from the table surface before anyone can continue to browse through the several other pictures of him I'd taken on that holiday. Doing everything I can to redirect the conversation back to where we are going. Looking at places in the area and what we can do, reading about the local new years celebrations as we continue to eat the left overs.

Standing from his seat, MC makes his way to the fridge and back to get a refill for his drink, offering for everyone else while he was up. Reaching his seat again, not sitting right away. Instead clearing his throat like he is about to address us all.

MC: “So.. Exactly how many of those types of pictures of me have you taken?”

S: “Just a couple, at most five?”

A lot.

I've taken a lot of those.

The looks I'm getting tell me that nobody believes me.


	42. Chapter Fourty Two

#  **Chapter 42**

The journey was just as short as MC said it would be. No need to change trains because of the station we left from. We did have to leave the house early, knowing how late he had been up the night before rushing around arguing with Natsuki making sure everything was ready for the morning. It was inevitable he would fall asleep on the train. I took precautions knowing this, applying a small amount of a perfume he had bought for me when we were younger, one that has since become the only one I buy or wear. Making sure he fell asleep on my shoulder, not letting go of his hand the whole time. Anything I can think of to prevent him from having those dreams in front of the others. It seems to have done the trick, at least for now.

The walk takes longer than the 20 minutes we originally thought, it's been closer to half an hour. I'd hate to think how long this would have taken if it wasn't for some of our bags going in my dads car. The town itself is quite small, with only the essentials in it. With work already going into preparing the area where all the new years stands will be. It's hard not to see the child like excitement on Natsuki and MC's faces when they first saw the stands being put together. Immediately being ruined by their competitive nature.

MC: “I bet I do better at the games than you.”

N: “Not a chance. I'm going to crush you.”

MC: “I'd like to see you try.”

N: “Just try not to cry when I embarrass you in front of Sayori.”

MC: “Don't worry Nats, I'm sure Sayori will at least let you carry some of the prizes I win for her.”

N: “Please, the only thing you'll be getting is Yakisoba, to comfort eat all the shame away.”

MC: “I thought you were the one who knew about food. Takoyaki is clearly the superior choice.”

N: “So your taste in festival food is a bad as your taste in manga then?”

M: “Seriously will you both shut the hell up?”

Y: “We aren't even there yet and the two of you are bickering like kids, over games and food stalls that haven't been built yet!”

M: “How do you live with this Sayori?”

Y: “You must have the patience of a saint.”

S: “You just sort of get used to it. If its too quiet it means something is wrong, if they aren't arguing over stupid things, right?”

M+Y: “No!”

N: “Jeez guys, people are staring.”

MC: “Yeah, way to make a scene.”

The mixture of confusion and annoyance on both Monika and Yuri's faces, a face I knew all too well from when we first started living together. Where as the other two are still smiling and laughing as if nothing had happened. Things are fairly quiet after this, the only notable exception being when Monika nudged Natsuki to quietly point out a shop she spotted in town. I couldn't tell which place she meant from not hearing what was said, but it seemed to be exactly what Natsuki wanted to hear as the two of them reacted by grinning in a less than friendly way.

Five minutes more and we reach where we are staying, my parents car already in the drive. Being greeted as we walk to the door. Each taking some time to settle into our rooms and unpack before meeting back up in the living room. This is the bit of any trip I hate most, while I prefer to actually unpack and hang up clothes, he is content to live out of a bag. Arguing they take up less space this way.

Making his way past me as I unpack my clothes, sliding open the door to an outside terrace. He wasn't kidding when he said this place was similar to the last one we stayed in. I stop what I'm doing and turn my attention to him. Standing exactly how he was in Osaka, leaning on the railing, surveying the view of the town. This time though he isn't looking at his arms or wrist, which means he's thinking of something. Hanging up the jumper in my hands before stepping out and standing behind him. Wrapping my arms around his chest from behind and taking hold tightly, comforted a little by him lifting his right hand from the railing and resting it on top of my right.

S: “What's on your mind?”

MC: “That easy to read?”

S: “I'd like to think I've gotten better at it.”

There is a small pause in our conversation. From where I am I can't tell if his eyes are open and he's enjoying the view, or if they're shut and he's trying to put his thoughts into words. To get around this, I slide around to his right, keeping my arms firmly locked around him, ducking under his arm as he lifts it for me. Taking my spot at his side as he lowers his arm down around my shoulders. The answer to my earlier thought being that his eyes are open. His head hasn't moved, but his eyes have, to look into mine before turning them back to the view of the town.

MC: “You're parents.”

S: “What about them?”

MC: “When I went to invite them. They told me everything.”

S: “What do you mean by everything?”

MC: “About being contacted by the hospital when I was first admitted. That they saw how bad things were before I'd woken up. When my bandages were being changed. Up until then I had no idea that they knew anything about it.”

S: “I found out they knew when you were... Before then I had no idea. They had hidden it from me. I'm sorry..”

MC: “They didn't tell you because they didn't want to scare or worry you. Believe me I get why they didn't. It took me long enough to tell you myself.”

I still don't like thinking about that night. Remembering him laying in the hospital bed is bad enough, but any thoughts of how he got there still shake me. Images of when I saw him on the floor still make both my head and heart ache. Judging by how both my parents reacted at Christmas at the mention of his mother. I get the feeling that thoughts of seeing him in hospital back then have the same effect on them as they do for me.

MC: “Even after seeing all that. They still accept me being with you.”

S: “They were prepared for us happening before we were. Plus they knew what you had just been through. My parents love you Masato. They always have.”

MC: “Do you ever wonder about what things would be like if we had acted sooner?”

S: “I do, but would I change anything? Absolutely not. I wouldn't change what we have for the world. I have everything I could ever want right here.”

Feeling his arm tighten around me, drawn in closely by the way we are standing. Resting his forehead against mine as both of our eyes are locked onto the others. I don't think I'll ever tire of this feeling, the knot in the stomach, the almost electric pulse sent through my entire body. The cause being every time our lips meet. Especially in moments like this, the view, the peace and quiet. The icy breeze due to the time of year only adding to the sensation. With the cold wind seemingly trying it's best to extinguish the inner warmth being caused by him.

We've been dating now for approaching eight full months and this feeling hasn't faded in the slightest. I've always put this down to two reasons, always unable to tell which is the bigger influence. The first being that it is with him, I couldn't and wouldn't want to picture myself doing anything like this with anyone else. The second reason being that for years, I'd been telling myself nothing would come of my feelings. That I'd never have anyone like this in my life, that I wasn't worthy of anything like this. That my feelings would go unreciprocated. Each time I get this feeling is a joyful reminder that I couldn't have been more wrong.

Opening my eyes to find his still in front of me as our foreheads touch again, his left hand brushing across my cheek gently as it makes its way to tuck part of my hair over my ear. Lost in each other, we hadn't heard someone else step out onto the shared terrace. He is the first to notice, my attention only being brought to the fact we are no longer alone by seeing his eyes move. Turning my head slightly to see who it is, stood two rooms away looking half out over the railing and half at her own feet is Yuri. Using her hair to shield her eyes, not from us seeing her, but from her seeing us. It's pretty clear by how she is standing that she hasn't just stepped outside. Actively blocking us from her field of view and remaining where she was in the hope that we would see her and stop, speaks volumes for how she still feels. We never did get to finish that conversation.

Stepping out of her own room to speak to Yuri, Natsuki takes immediate notice of how she is standing. Turning her head briefly to see the two of us standing together shooting me a look that I don't know what to make of. With the time she spent at Yuri's, she came to know of how she felt towards MC. With him being completely blind to how she feels in the same way we had been to each other.

N: “I'd say get a room, but it looks like your choosing not to use it.”

MC: “Hey I was the first one out here. So..”

N: “You can't call dibs to a shared area, Jackass.”

MC: “That isn't what I was going to say. Maybe if you tried listening, you'd..”

N: “Maybe if you could take others into consideration when not in private.”

Y: “Must you both always argue?!”

With that Yuri spins around from the railing and walks quickly into her room, in the same way she would walk to avoid contact with people in the school halls. No eye contact made with anyone, followed quickly by Natsuki who turned to look in our direction again before disappearing inside and closing the door behind her. Yuri's tone of voice, that wasn't about the two of them arguing in the slightest and Natsuki and I can both tell. Natsuki may have been arguing with MC, but the points she was making felt like they were aimed at me.

MC: “Did I do something wrong?”

S: “Well, no.. but maybe Natsuki has a point.”

MC: “Okay I get that other people might feel like it's a little in your face, but we were the only two out here at the time.”

S: “I know, but you know those two. Public displays of well, anything. Isn't really their thing.”

MC: “Should I apologize? I don't want people to feel bad, but at the same time I don't really feel like I did anything?”

S: “I'll speak to later. I'm sure they'll understand.”

Why am I lying about this? I'm lying straight to my partner's face to protect someone else, because of how they feel about him. I know it's not my place to be the one to tell him why Yuri reacted like that and why Natsuki became so passive aggressive. Letting out a drawn out sigh, almost in defeat. He returns to his position of leaning onto the railing, the way he had been when I first joined him.

MC: “I wanted things to be.. fine. To be normal. Like during the summer, but who am I kidding. As a group we haven't been alright since it happened.. have we.”

M: “You're right. We haven't been.”

Glancing over his shoulder to see Monika standing in her doorway, the room directly beside ours. She steps out and stops on the other side of him. Leaning on the railing the same way he is, her elbow no more than a few centimetres from his in an attempt to show that we can still be a close group.

M: “Maybe we do need to take up Dr Aiza on those group sessions. We all have regrets from that night.”

S: “It's definitely worth considering. That night still keeps some of us awake at times.”

MC: “I almost feel like I got off lightly compared to the rest of you.”

M: “Don't even joke about that MC. The very idea that we all could have lost you then. For those of us that had to see it happen. Yuri especially.”

MC: “I know what she did for me. I know that it couldn't have been easy to do.”

M: “But do you really understand how it made us feel? To her, you are the one who saved her from herself, and in that moment despite her best efforts, she knew you were dying.”

S: “I could spend days, telling you how that night made me feel Masato. How scared I was, and that would just be my side of things. Wait.. For those of us that saw it happen? Wasn't it just..?”

M: “Your.. dad.. saw it as well.. Just as he arrived..”

S: “Did.. you know..that he saw.. it..”

MC: “I..did.. I'm sorry Sayori, he asked me not to say..”

I don't know if the water in my eyes has been caused by remembering that night, or out of worry and frustration at what I've just been told.

...Why..?

Why would he keep this from me..

Why did they both keep this from me.

_"Even after seeing all that, they still accept me."_

Was he trying to tell me..?


	43. Chapter Fourty Three

# Chapter 43

I didn't want to think that I'd have to try and speak to Yuri about her feelings for him again. We never did get to finish last time though before being interrupted by Miko. She had been seemingly able to cope, so I hadn't thought any more on it. The only thing that comes to mind with what could have changed is when I called her to confide about finding him after he had self harmed during his sleep deprivation. She had seen everything else up to that point, the scars, being wounded by someone else, but it was the first time she had ever truly seen his fragility. As a group we had become so reliant on him, but to see him like that. The natural instinct is to protect. Something she has never been able to act on because of his relationship with me.

I found it borderline unbearable to not be able to spend time with him when he first joined the club. So I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must have felt like you were on the sidelines at a time when everything was telling you that you needed to be there. I need to figure out the right time to bring all of this up. Right now however, after just being told my dad had seen what happened any then asked people not to tell me. I don't even know where to begin.

M: “Sayori, I get that you might be a little angry about not being told. It all happened so quickly at the time we didn't know who had seen what.”

MC: “I didn't find out until he came to see me in the hospital after.”

S: “It's.. fine. I'm sure he had his reasons.. I'm sure he'll tell me eventually.”

I can tell by the look Monika and MC give each other that they don't believe me. If this was the other way around I doubt I'd believe either, but knowing this doesn't change what happened then. Nothing can change what happened. The image of seeing him lay on the floor in that state has been mercilessly burned into my memories. Thinking back to the statements being given that night, I only remember Monika and Yuri giving them. I was spacing in and out helplessly staring at the floor after being told not to go to the hospital with him.

I can't keep allowing what has already happened to get to me so much. I need to focus on the future, not just for my sake. Starting with changing the subject. It might just seem like I'm avoiding the topic and maybe deep down I am, but I am not letting it spoil our trip.

S: “So.. What have we planned for our time away?”

MC: “I think for tonight we are just going to relax, I might go for a walk tomorrow morning if anyone wants to join.”

S: “A walk? That isn't like you.”

MC: “How else am I going to see what is here?”

M: “Normally you of all people would just look it up.”

MC: “Well maybe I want to explore a bit.”

M: “Natsuki and I want to check out some of the places in town at some stage.”

S: “I did see you point something out on the way here.”

M: “Oh that? It looked like a place for live music. They are having at open mic night tomorrow and..”

MC: “No.”

M: “Oh come on, you didn't even hear me out.”

MC: “I don't need to, I'm not doing it.”

M: “MC, if you want to be selected during the visit, you need perform in front of everyone, the school is making an event out of it.”

S: “Doing it in front of a crowd who have no idea who you are might not be such a bad idea.”

M: “You did say before that it being in front of people who don't know you would be easier.”

MC: “Fine, I'll think about it. No promises though.”

After a few moments, Monika slips back through the doorway of her room. Closing the door behind her, leaving just the two of us stood together overlooking the view of the town. Being held in his arms while being shielded by his shoulders from the cold breeze that I can feel as it catches a very slight part of my hair. I know this trip was his way of trying to make everyone forget about what has happened over the last few months. Which means at some stage we are going to have to talk about it, the very thing we have spent almost every day since trying to avoid. It almost feels like bringing us all to a place we don't know is to prevent any of us from running away whenever the topic comes up.

The thought of having that conversation frightens me. More from a point of view of I don't know what the others might say, to find out more things that I didn't know. Even though finding out will not change what happened, my thoughts drift to when he first showed me his scarring. Physically it changed nothing, but mentally it felt like my world was turned upside down. Causing me to be racked with guilt at first over something that had happened years before, being magnified ten fold by my depression. The sort of feeling that would have sent me spiralling out of control before if it hadn't been for him being by my side to prevent it. The way I did whenever he was hospitalized and wouldn't wake up no matter how much I begged and pleaded by his bedside to any deity that would listen. I don't ever want to feel like that again.

The evening is quiet, with everyone taking time to settle into the unfamiliar surroundings. The only disturbance being from Natsuki and MC disagreeing over who gets to sit in the reclining single chair. Resulting in the two of them sitting in it at once, both refusing to move. I don't want to say that it was adorable to watch them argue over a chair like they were both six years old. Each one trying to out do the other by trying to position in a way that forced the other out of the chair. Which they both soon regretted when they ended up almost nose to nose and stuck together to the point where neither could stand up without the help of the other. After calling him every name in her mental dictionary for a pervert, reminding everyone else of the time she had fallen off a chair onto him in the clubroom after accusing him of looking up her skirt. Along with some flailing like an angry stray cat that didn't want to be picked up, resulting in Natsuki claiming the chair.

Waking up the next morning, I can hear the shower running. The biggest problem with waking up after sleeping right the way through the night, is I know that he was still awake as I fell asleep. To be out of bed already, I have no idea if he slept soundly as well or if even at all.

Before making my way downstairs, taking a few seconds to try and fix a severe case of bedhead then checking the time on my phone, 9:52am. a little later than I expected. With the exception of him still being in the shower, I'm the last one to come down the stairs. My parents already having headed out to enjoy what little time off they have together.

N: “So he finally decided to wake you.”

M: “We did send him back upstairs to do it an hour ago. Been busy?”

S: “What? No. We didn't do anything.. an hour ago?”

Y: “After he had breakfast. He went upstairs to wake you to get ready for going out.”

M: “Judging by that look on your face you have no idea what we are talking about. Do you?”

S: “Not a clue. He was in the shower when I woke up.”

N: “So what are the plans for today?”

Y: “I'll go ask MC. He said he had a few places in mind we could walk to.

N: “Your food is in the oven Sayori, it should be still warm. Just don't grab onto the plate with your bare hands.”

The usual morning small talk as I eat the food that had been set aside for me. Carefully selected topic after topic to avoid any real issues. Now is as good a time to force one of the issues out into the open, with both Yuri and MC absent. Seizing the moment in a gap between topics, before anyone has a chance to stop me.

S: “Yesterday on the balcony. I wasn't trying to upset anyone by holding onto him. It had just been us out there. We didn't know Yuri had...”

Looking to each other to see if the other would be the first to speak. It takes a few seconds before getting a response from either of them, both a little wary of this topic, but both also painfully aware that it needed to be done at some stage.

N: “I know you didn't mean it. Yuri being Yuri, she didn't want to be the one to say anything that might make you feel awkward about things.”

M: “She is a little like MC in that regard. As positive an influence on her he has been, it also looks like she may have either picked up or share his negative trait of trying to bottle up and suppress problems. Which..”

S: “Which could be even worse in the long run.. ”

N: “It's not as bad as you both think. When I was staying at hers for a while. She opened up a little. We talked a lot about things. Including him.”

S: “I already know she likes him, we tried talking about this before and she had been telling me how she felt, but we got interrupted by.. her..”

I still struggle at times to force her name out. Like I'm refusing to acknowledge her. The others may have been happy to have things end as a stalemate, as it was the outcome that made most sense for both parties. Still able to see that smile on her face as she walked out of the room that day refusing to admit defeat.

N: “She told me about that too. You don't need to worry about her trying to steal MC though. Yuri is fully aware of what you mean to him.”

M: “But we can't control who we fall in love with. Right?”

N: “Something like that. I'm sorry for getting so defensive yesterday. I know you weren't trying to upset her, but it also can't be an easy position for her to be in either. Yuri thinks the world of him, even now she still feels that she is able to fight the urge to harm herself because of him.”

S: “I'll try to be more mindful of our surroundings.”

M: “While.. we are talking about things like this.. Sayori.”

S: “What's on your mind?”

M: “What Miko said as she walked out of the room that day, everything about it. How she said it with a smile on her face most of all. We aren't rid of her completely.”

S: “I understand how you feel. She hasn't approached us in school just like we agreed on but still.. something feels off.”

M: “That's just it. US. As a group. We aren't there to see what happens on Tuesday, with the event coming up as well, which isn't just for solo performances.”

N: “I wasn't there for this, but MC told me how it went. He wouldn't let anything happen while we aren't around.”

M: “I know that.. Maybe I'm just overthinking things and..”

S: “And it's letting her get inside our heads when she isn't even around..”

N: “We haven't had to deal with her for a month now. Credit where its due, Goldilocks knew exactly what she was doing.”

The sound of a door at the top of the stairs opening brings a sudden end to this conversation. What Monika mentioned about the event is the first I've heard of it not being for just solo performers. It isn't something MC has spoken about much at all. I'd be glad to see him taking his gifts seriously, overcoming performance anxiety would be a big step. One that right now I'm not sure he is confident enough in himself to take. He did almost get cold feet when joining the literature club, I should consider myself lucky. Having grown used to his schedule over time of waiting until everyone had left the room before packing away his things. His way of avoiding any unwanted social interaction when his routine involved not talking to anyone if it could be helped and go straight home. It made it very easy to spring the trap that had been baited with cupcakes that changed everything.

With the three of us turning our heads to see Yuri, turned to speak to him, looking up at him with a smile on her face as she has already descended down the first couple of stairs. Appearing from behind Yuri as she reaches out for the banister to continue down the stairs. The almost familiar sight of dark blue jeans with a grey raglan shirt with navy sleeves that.. are rolled up.. to his elbows...

He's not hiding his arms..

She's not hiding hers either..

Every line on his arms on show bar the one hidden beneath his watch, with no bandage around the most recent addition to conceal it. Healed over but still standing out so much that it seems to hide all of the others with an almost unnatural red glow. Matched almost by two on Yuri's right arm from when she had harmed several months ago during her relapse before he had regained consciousness.

I've seen him looking at it so many times at nights when getting changed for bed, with a facial expression mixed full of regret, anger, self loathing and sadness. The kind of expression I used to give myself when looking in the mirror. A look of someone who is convinced that there is something wrong with them.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, it's clear as day that he's not completely comfortable with this just yet. Looking up slowly at the rest of us, before glancing over to Yuri who returns his look with a slight nod. Still wearing the same smile she had at the top of the stairs in what seems like reassurance. The others picking up on this as well and joining in.

Part of me wants to throw my arms around him in support, the conversation I just had with Natsuki and Monika not being what keeps me rooted to the spot. I can't express how happy I am that he isn't hiding his arms.. but it wasn't me..

I wasn't the one to help him..

What did she say to him..?


	44. Chapter Fourty Four

# Chapter 44

He isn't hiding his scars, both of them aren't hiding them.

That makes me happy. He feels he doesn't need to hide them from us anymore.

_But it wasn't you._

He's moving forward, it doesn't matter who..

_Doesn't matter? Don't make me laugh. It hurts you to know that it was her, a step forward you say? One step at a time. Away from you. From us._

_To the one you stole him from._

I didn't do anything that wasn't meant to happen, I will not let you control me the way you used to. I will not let everything we have break because of you.

_It'll break because of you._

_A history of being picked up and carried by him. You believe that is the foundation of a lasting bond? Theirs is one of feeling alone, isolated, to the point of spilling their own blood, in an attempt to prevent the weight of their burdens being forced onto others._

Burdens..?

_You._

Lifting my head to find him standing closer to me that he had been. His eyes waiting for mine to find their way to his. Unable to prevent myself from falling into my safe space, closing my eyes in a vein attempt to prevent him from seeing into my thoughts of self doubt. Resting the side of my head against chest in search of that calming rhythm. Gripping tightly to his back to be sure that he can't slip away from me.

Taking a step back before re-opening my eyes. The first thing I see is his arms up close. My hands gliding around from his back, only losing contact with him as they move from his sides to his arms, fingertips making sure to not trace any lines as if to bring attention to them as they continue, refusing to stop until they reach his hands. Hands that squeeze back when held firmly.

I know this goes against the conversation I just had with Natsuki and Monika, but this is different. In a moment like this I need to show him that I will always be his biggest supporter. The way I always have been.

N: “So what brought this on?”

MC: “Well.. we had a bit of a talk.”

Y: “Everyone here already knows, of all the things that have happened.”

MC: “Just now, I almost felt like I had to pull my sleeves down in a hurry when Yuri came to the door and for what? To keep hiding away what is no longer a secret?”

S: “So what did you talk about?”

Speaking before thinking has always been an issue of mine. There may not have been anything inherently wrong with what I've just asked, but as I finished the sentence, I could hear the tone of how I said it. With the others distracted with what we are talking about, it seems like it has gone unnoticed. With the exception of Monika. I can see her eyes widen ever so slightly before narrowing. Subtle movements to make sure the others don't pick up on her expression change as well. As it is solely aimed at me. It isn't difficult to see that she can tell that the fact I wasn't the one to help is bothering me.

Y: “At first I asked.. how his arm was..”

MC: “And vice versa.”

N: “That can't just be it, make with the details Yuri.”

Y: “I..umm.. questioned if he felt like he still needed to hide from us..”

MC: “I actually had to stop and think about it.”

M: “Could you think of anything?”

MC: “Not one. Not a single damn thing, I even asked Yuri, why do we hide them in private?”

Y: “I couldn't... justify it either.. Saying that it was to make me.. feel more comfortable.. would sound like I'm not.. That's not true.. but I've always been scared.. of losing the only real friends I've ever had..”

MC: “But we know that those closest to us wouldn't and haven't judged us. Far from it, you've all been nothing but caring and supportive. We can't change what has already happened after all, no matter how much we wish we could. Hiding the truth from those who already know it, is pointless, it's exhausting.”

I can feel additional pressure being applied to the palm of my hands, of him trying to get my attention. Waiting until I'm looking directly at him before speaking again.

MC: “I made you a promise didn't I? No more secrets, right?”

I'd be the first person to admit I can be a bit of a crybaby. With the last time I cried from happiness more than likely being the day we found him awake in the hospital. That comment seems to set me off effortlessly, causing me to bury my face into his shirt. I can't put my finger on exactly why that comment has me reacting like this. Feeling so happy, cared for, wanted. Everything that a year ago I didn't feel any of.

Stepping back when I feel like I have calmed down enough, trying not to laugh slightly at the two small damp circles in the middle of his chest. Gesturing him to look down as he looks back with a slightly confused smile, a smile that doesn't change whenever he finds the two patches on his shirt.

N: “Well, now we have to wait for MC to change and Sayori's eyes to not be red and puffy before we can go out. Good going you smooth talking dork.”

MC: “It's not like I meant to. It's umm..”

M: “You just have that sort of effect on girls?”

MC: “Please don't encourage her Monika.”

M: “I can't promise that I'm afraid.”

S: “I can't help it, I'm sorry.”

Y: “It was very sweet.”

M: “Credit where credit is due MC.”

MC: “But I wasn't trying to..”

N: “Well you won't find me crying over you, ever.”

There is a small moment of silence as Monika, Yuri and myself look at one another. Smiles slowly appearing across all of our faces as we silently nod in agreement. Natsuki might like to act tough, but we've seen her other side more than she is willing to let on.

Y: “...that's not strictly true.”

M: “Yuri's right, we've seen it a few times.”

Y: “When you first saw him in the hospital.”

M: “When you first saw him awake in the hospital.”

S: “When he came home from hospital, when you had to stay at mine.”

N: “Again. I meant again... Happy?”

M: “Honestly I think the only person of us I haven't seen cry is.. you, MC.”

N: “Come to think of it yeah. Neither have I.”

MC: “Time and place for everything I suppose.”

M: “So you are admitting that you have?”

MC: “Everyone does, right?

N: “Recently?”

MC: “What is this, 20 questions?”

M: “That's a yes if I ever heard one.”

Once enough time has passed and my eyes have stopped showing that I burst into tears unexpectedly and he had changed into a different shirt. We set off for a day of walking, marking a beginning to the actual trip. Unlike our previous time away, this one was mostly all unplanned. Following narrow paths to find hidden view points. Not too different from the one we used to visit on the old path at home, the same one I found him at not long ago. Spending time together, exactly how he had wanted this trip to go. No arguments, no awkward situations or topics.

Given that it is only a few days from the new year, it gets dark pretty quickly. Being away from a large populated area is strange, it feels like it should be darker than it actually is. With how clear a night sky it is, coupled with something Yuri tried to explain called light pollution, it just seems so bright. Which led to some amazing views as we made our way back to the small town.

The pace has slowed down, a mixture of being tired but also not wanting to go back inside just yet. Making our way through the dimly lit streets, Monika seemingly taking the lead on the route.

M: “How about we stop somewhere for a drink?”

N: “Sounds good to me.”

Y: “It has been a long day.”

MC: “I could use something... wait where are we going?”

M: “To where I mentioned before.”

MC: “...It's tonight isn't it, not tomorrow at all”

N: “Yep, well technically it's both.”

MC: “But we've been walking all day. I'm tired and..”

N: “Quit your whining.”

M: “You did say you would try.”

Y: “Can someone explain what I'm missing?”

N: “MC is going to sing is what is going on.”

MC: “I said I might.”

Y: “It has been a while since we heard you..”

S: “I guess it has been, hasn't it.”

MC: “Alright alright, one.”

N: “Four.”

MC: “One.”

N: “Seven.”

MC: “That isn't how haggling works!”

N: “Nine.”

MC: “I said One.”

N: “Twelve.”

M: “Two.”

MC: “Two?”

N: “Deal.”

M: “Two it is, pleasure doing business with you.”

MC: “I didn't say I agree... do I at least get to pick?”

M: “Remember what I said, this is about finding a potential song you can use later.”

MC: “I know, crowd friendly. I get it. Pay attention to what others choose as well.”

The pace slows down even more as we make our way to the restaurant, the impression he gives is that he does want to perform despite his protests. What it is exactly causing all of the anxiety surrounding it I'm still not sure on. It isn't that he lacks self confidence in his voice, at worst it would be that he is not aware of just how good he actually is. It feels like something else, that something on his mind is preventing him from enjoying it as much as he used to.

Arriving at the place, you can tell that the open night is something they only do around times of the year that they know they will have the numbers. Almost entirely people not from around here like us in the seats. Despite it being an open mic night, there aren't that many people signed up to sing. Locals who work in the area with the odd over confident slightly tipsy visitor. MC and Monika make there way up to the counter to both order drinks and desserts for people as well as sign him up for the not quite agreed on two songs.

Waiting patiently for a few songs to go by before it can be his turn. Sitting here, with the background music and talking with the others, I don't think I'm the only one who has missed this. We all knew something had been off for a while, so to be out somewhere as a full group again is comforting. It feels like nothing has changed from before. Yuri is drinking tea, Monika a coffee despite the time of day, Natsuki and I with hot chocolates. Her choice of flavouring syrup as usual being something new and far more adventurous than my choice of hazelnut. The only difference being his choice of iced water, which he did say was only different because he was going to be using his voice. Even if it is just two songs in a small place miles away from our normal lives, he is still taking it seriously.

A young waitress comes by to notify him that it will be his turn after the next two songs. I know she is only doing her job and that it is a loud environment, but seeing someone else rest their hand on his shoulder and lean down closely to speak to him makes me feel a little defensive. Standing slowly after nodding and being ushered towards a small room next to the stage, I can over hear a table nearby of what looks like college students home for the holidays making snide and seemingly jealous comments about him as he disappears from sight. How he was the only male of our group. Both of my hands cupped around the mug gripping much tighter than they needed to be. Looking up across the table after feeling my ankle being gently knocked by someone else's foot to get my attention. To find Monika looking back at me, her left arm propped on the table and hand the palm of her hand resting under her chin. I wasn't the only one to notice the other table, as she mouths the words “Don't Bite.” towards me.

As the previous singer makes there way off the stage, MC makes his way on, the two exchanging passing words, what looked like compliments and well wishing as they swap places. The nearby table laughing quietly to themselves at him as the background music to his first choice begins and drowns them out. The moment the track does start, Monika perks up from resting her hand on her chin, clearly recognizing the slow melody of the piano track. Before turning and rummaging in her hand bag and pulling out a small packet of tissues and setting them almost in the centre of the table.

M: “These might be needed.”

N: “By who?”

M: “Possibly all of us.”

First song choice - [Hymn for the Missing - Red](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jMsmy_xt3U)

Table after table fall silent after the first several lines. Even the bar staff either slow down to an almost complete stop. I can't say that I recognise the song, but I've generally always been pretty good at finding the meaning behind lyrics. This one didn't need anyone to explain it, every single one of us at the table can tell that it's a song about losing someone. To him this will be about his Father.

To nobodies surprise I'm the first one at the table to reach for the small packet that had been placed on the table, shortly followed by Yuri and Monika. I wasn't the first person in the room though, that was the young waitress who came to our table to tell him when he was due to perform. Monika laughs a little as she clenches her hand around the tissue she grabbed, as the lyrical part of the song ended as the background track continues.

M: “He did this on purpose, because of what someone said earlier.”

Y: “It looks like it worked.”

N: “Shut... up... I'm.. not...”

S: “Very convincing.”

N: “I.. don't need.. one..”

M: “Are you sure, they are right here.”

Placing her index finger onto the now almost empty packet and sliding it towards Natsuki, who eventually cracks and snatches one from the packet. Dabbing both of her eyes quickly before straightening up in her seat.

N: “I'm fine. See. Nothing to it.”

M: “He saw that you know.”

Lifting her head to the stage to see him waiting for the next track to begin, the moment her eyes met his became easy to spot, as he started wearing a smile that would only make sense to those at our table. One that said “Got you”, cementing what Monika had said of him making that song choice on purpose.

N: “I'm going to kill him.”

M: “I thought the song was touching.”

Y: “It was very moving, not like what we've heard before at all.”

N: “You aren't that attached to him, right Sayori?”

S: “I'm afraid I am.”

N: “But you could get a new one, right?”

S: “I don't want a new one.”

The next track begins, again it isn't one I know the name of, I feel like I've heard it before though. It has a much different tone to the first. The only other person at the table to know of it is Monika, nodding gently to the rhythm with her eyes closed during the acoustic intro.

Second song choice - [My Heart I Surrender - I Prevail](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNfRy-7iEyU)

Recognizing the song after the first couple of versus, I've heard him singing this before, several times. In the times before he joined the club, before he knew the others. What would have been after he first got out of hospital the first time. He never directly sang it in front of me, I only heard it in the times I dropped by to surprise him. Oblivious to the fact that it should have been odd to think of why my dad had a copy of the key to his house. Waiting outside his bedroom door, quietly listening to him sing. Knowing he would stop if I entered the room, I would wait until he finished to find him on his computer playing video games, never truly surprised that I was there. Like he..

He knew I was there.

He always knew.

This song was about me.

This was his way of trying to tell me.

And I had missed all of the signs.


	45. Chapter Fourty Five

# Chapter 45

Watching as MC attempts to make his way back to our table, several people stopped him to speak to him. Asking him if he would do any more. The exposure to people outside of our group or the music club might do his confidence the world of good. It does seem to be a little overwhelming for him, given that the next song is almost over and he still hasn't made it back.

We stay for the next five songs, having another round of drinks before walking out the door into the cold air. The sudden change in the air almost catching all of us by the throat. We make our way back to where we are staying. The slow pace being down to the unusually large amount of walking we have done today, sitting down for a while hadn't helped with that. Everyone laughing at how stiff their legs were as we hobbled through the front door.

The walk home, we had all agreed that it was such a clear night that we would sit out to look at the stars. Choosing to do that in the small garden instead of the balcony to stay out of the wind. Yuri and Monika first going inside to gather some blankets to put down on the large half circle bench made out of carved stone. A seat that the owner of the property had called the stargazer chair in the properties description. Designed so that you sat fairly reclined, able to look upwards with minimal effort. The whole thing being just wide enough for all of us to fit on. MC and Natsuki work together, somehow managing to not argue as they try to light the small firepit in the centre of the seating area. Putting enough on it to make sure it doesn't get too big, but enough to give out the warmth that would allow us to stay outside longer.

The seat is a bit of a tighter squeeze than we originally thought. It wasn't really meant for five people. It takes some extra huddling, but we all manage to fit on. Each of us slightly pressed up against those next to us. I'd feel a lot more comfortable about this situation had it been Monika or Natsuki on his other side. Monika took the outside spot to my left. Natsuki refusing to sit too close to MC, swapped places with Yuri.

I lay back and try to let the clear sky distract me from my jealousy. He wouldn't do anything. Yuri of all people would be too shy to do anything. Just like that time outside his house before the festival. She may have admitted to wanting something to happen, but neither of them were going to act on it.

_Keep telling yourself that._

Y: “The sky is so clear outside of the city.”

M: “It's beautiful.”

Y: “Very. I wish I had my telescope.”

N: “No picture would ever capture this properly.”

MC: “Why don't people do this sort of thing more often?”

N: “Because Kotatsu's exist.

S: “Maybe more of a summer thing than winter?”

MC: “I guess, like that time we sat together on the beach in Shirahama.”

S: “It wasn't as clear as here, but watching the stars over the ocean was amazing.”

N: “It's just a shame you both were absolutely clueless.

M: “Seriously, how did you two not get together sooner.”

N: “You guys could have been dating near five years or more by now, instead of almost nine months.”

MC: “Well.. it's complicated..”

Y: “That second song earlier, did you used to sing it often?”

MC: “What makes you say that?”

Y: “The lyrics.. umm... they are about.. unrequited feelings.. am I right?”

MC: “Music is more like poetry than most people think. It's not surprising you saw the context so quickly.”

I can just about make out over his chest that Yuri has retreated behind her hair while blushing. It makes me thankful that he hasn't stopped looking up at the stars to notice what was going on around him. I can feel my left hand tighten around the blanket that we were all laying on, as I try to hide my jealousy from those around me. Only to have another hand take hold of it. Tilting my head slightly to see two emerald eyes looking back at me. Refusing to let go until it was clear I'd calmed down.

M: “So what made those your two choices?”

N: “That first song was.. something.”

MC: “The second song was because of how familiar I am with it. The first.. the time of year I suppose..”

S: “Masato you don't need to talk about it if you don't want to.”

M: “Sayori is right. If it's something personal MC it's fine, you don't need to say.”

MC: “No it's alright. This time of year, has always difficult. It was a couple of days before the new year when my dad found the note from her. Our two families had always spent new years with each other anyway, but after that. Now that I'm old enough to see it, was probably more about making sure that he wasn't alone at that time of year than anything else.”

Nobody knows what to say to that. Without wanting to push for more answers on a topic that clearly he isn't comfortable talking about. Resorting to laying in silence to enjoy the view above. It could have been anywhere between 5 or 15 minutes before Natsuki is the first to move, sitting up slowly and quietly to make her way back inside. Shortly followed by Monika, who offers her hand out to me after a slight glance over at the remaining people. Taking her hand and forcing myself to sit upright instead of standing right away. Turning to speak to him but stop as I see him looking at me with his index finger on his lips before motioning it in the direction of his shoulder on his other side.

I hadn't realized how cramped it had actually been on his other side. To make room for Natsuki, Yuri had to move slightly further down the seat, leaving her head at the same level as his shoulder. Which she had fallen asleep leaning against during the long silence. What feels like a hand taking hold of both my heart and my stomach, squeezing tightly and leaving me locked in place. A feeling I know all too well from several months ago.

The feeling of fear.

The fear of losing that which I hold dearest to me, the one person I can't be without.

_He's where he always should have been._

Helplessly being led into the house by Monika, watching on as he carefully lifts Yuri up instead of waking her. Carrying her carefully into the house and up the stairs, Natsuki waiting at the top to give him a hand getting Yuri to her room. I want to follow, I try to follow, but am being held in place by Monika.

S: “Why won't you let me go..”

M: “What is going on Sayori, this isn't like you.”

S: “He's.. it should be me..”

M: “Should be you what?”

S: “On his shoulder.. being carried.. all of it.. it should.. only.. be...”

M: “Listen to yourself, Sayori you are over reacting. I know it worries you that she likes him, but this is too much, you have nothing to worry about.”

S: “I stole him.. from her..”

M: “....Care to explain what you mean by that?”

S: “The day I confessed to him.. They had.. just come outside from working on the festival banner... I saw the two of them together.. I thought they were going to...”

M: “You thought something was going to happen?”

S: “I couldn't watch.. I ran in.. I interrupted.. Yuri left.. I couldn't take it anymore.. Seeing him with someone else hurt.. it hurt so much.. I thought I wanted him to be happy... I thought I didn't care who with.... but I did..”

Pulled forward into an embrace and burying my head into Monikas shoulder. It takes everything I have to hold the flood gates back. All of the self doubt, all barbed comments that had been playing over and over in my head having caused my worries and fears to rise to the surface. I didn't mean to say everything I just did to her, but at the same time I didn't have a choice. These doubts, these worries, have been eating away at me for months and I needed an outlet.

M: “You should have come to me about this sooner. Please believe me when I say you do not need to be afraid of losing him to someone else. He's been as crazy about you for almost as long as you have him.”

S: “But..”

M: “Yuri likes him too, we both know that. But she also knows what you mean to him and what he means to you. Yuri would never do anything to jeopardise your relationship, or that of anyone in our group, and you need to stop feeling guilty about this. You did not steal him from anyone. You, him, all of us. We are exactly where we need to be. You are going to make me a promise.”

S: “A Promise..?”

M: “If you ever feel this way again, come to me. Don't let it build up like you have been doing.”

S: “..okay”

M: “Now, I want you to go upstairs and tell him how you feel right now, talk to him. Everything that has been eating away at you since it happened. The last thing any of us want is for you to feel the way you did before.”

It takes a few minutes for me to calm down. Monika refusing to move her arms from my back until I do, just like she had done outside. Doing what she has always being doing. Being the supportive, caring friend she has been since day one.

Stepping backwards and composing myself, this is something I should have already done. Maybe I've thought it unfair to put this on him. Especially now that I know he still wakes up some nights, making him feel like he needs to worry about me again is another weight I didn't want him to bare. To avoid things getting to where they were before though, I have to trust in Monika, telling him is the right course here.

Carefully making my way up the stairs and into our room, closing the door behind me. He's already there getting changed, it hadn't taken long to set Yuri on her bed and leave the rest to Natsuki. I need to tell him, but I can't think of any way to build up to the topic. But I do know how to make sure all of his attention is on me. Although I'd rather be doing this under different circumstances.

Walking up to him and placing my hand on his chest, carefully positioning myself so that the fall directly behind him will be broken and pushing. Using the end of the bed to cause him to trip backwards. Moving in before he has a chance to sit up, using my forehead to keep his down. Trading small glancing contact between our lips in quick succession. I can tell his arms are moving around my back slowly, like he normally would to turn us around, but not this time. Digging in with my knees and planting my hands either side of his head to prevent any movement. Spending the next few minutes in control, with every connection we make getting more passionate as I refuse to give up my position.

But this isn't why I'm here, as much as we both want this to continue I have to stop. Unable to hold back the tide of worry that I've been having, and he can see it in my eyes. Stopping what we were doing completely, leaving the two of us face to face in the position I'd put us in.

S: “Tell me you won't go..”

MC: “Go where?”

S: “Anywhere..”

MC: “..is something wrong?”

S: “No.. yes..”

MC: “Talk to me, what's getting to you?”

S: “I'm afraid..”

MC: “Afraid of me going somewhere?”

S: “Afraid of losing you.. I can't.. do that.. not again..”

MC: “I'm not going to go anywhere Sayori.”

S: “But you might be happier.. with someone else..”

MC: “Stop.”

S: “I'm just a screw up, I don't have anything special about me. You'd be happier with..”

MC: “That's enough.”

Resting his hands against my back in an attempt to bring me to his chest unsuccessfully as I keep my arms locked in place. Refusing to yield until I was finished. Visible concern on his face at my outburst. Monika was right though, I need to get this all out.

S: “I was so scared when you got hurt.. I couldn't sleep.. I couldn't eat.. Seeing you laying there.. I saw it every time I closed my eyes... Then in the hospital.. You wouldn't move.. No matter how much I begged and pleaded..”

MC: “Sayori..”

S: “I couldn't do anything.. for you.. while everyone around me tried their best for you.. I was the same.. stupid helpless child.. that I've always been.. and now I can't stop thinking.. I can't stop telling myself.. that you would be better off with someone else.. after everything I've put you through as well..”

Using every bit of strength I have to try and stay in control isn't enough, I might have been able to keep him where he was if he hadn't insisted in sitting up. Now sitting with his back to the headboard, his arms lifting me closer to him until we are face to face again with neither of us in a dominant position. Resting his right hand on my left cheek to both comfort me and stop me from trying to look away. Reading me like a book.

MC: “There is nobody I'd rather be with than you. There is nothing I wouldn't go through to stay with you. I'm not going anywhere because I'm exactly where I want to be, sharing all it with the only person I'd want by my side at all times.”

S: “But you still.. at nights..”

MC: “Because I'm afraid of the same things you are. Losing the most important person in the world, You. Just like you it's the one thing that the idea of scares and worries me more than anything.”

S: “You wouldn't be happier... being with someone else..?”

MC: “Nobody else, Just you.”

S: “Just..me..”

MC: “Just you.”

It feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders as I slump down against him, all the fight I had in me now gone completely. Letting my inner thoughts play with my head to see things that weren't there. He said it himself, nobody else he would rather be with.

Nobody else.

Just Me


	46. Chapter Fourty Six

# Chapter 46

With the amount of walking everyone had done the day before, it's no surprise that people are having a lay in this morning. Which is fine by me, after my outburst he hasn't once moved his arms from around me. His right arm going under the pillow my head rests on and out in front of me, with the back of my right hand resting in the palm of his. While his left arm is wrapped around the other side and the palm of that hand sitting tucked under my pyjama top and on my stomach. Monika was absolutely right, I needed to get that off my chest. Trying to bury and ignore all of the fear, doubt and worry that has been following me was never going to last.

It has been quite a while since I've had a therapy session, with the last time being before confronting Miko. We both agreed before falling asleep that it would be best if I went back for at least a few sessions again. It also might be a good idea once the new school term has started to go for that group therapy session that Dr Aiza had offered us. I can't be the only one of us who needs to vent about things.

I begin my attempt to get out of bed, taking extra care not to wake him as I lift his hand off of my stomach and then sit up, edging slowly off the side of the mattress. Arriving in the kitchen and finding both my parents already awake and having breakfast. Taking a seat at the table alongside my father as my mother dishes up an extra plate of food.

SD: “First awake? That's not like you.”

S: “I'm not that bad.”

SD: “I never said it was bad, just unusual.”

SM: “That was quite the performance he made last night.”

S: “..you were both there?”

SD: “We do have our own things we enjoy Sayori. The occasional night out is one of them.

S: “It's too early in the morning for your sarcasm dad.”

SM: “Yes we were there. We weren't expecting you to all arrive, or for him to silence the whole room.”

SD: “We haven't heard him sing since his mother used to coach him.”

SM: “I couldn't believe how good he has become. Hands down best of the night.”

SD: “The barman described him as one of the best he had seen in the 15 years he has owned the place, so it's not us being slightly biased.”

S: “It's good that he was able to do it. It's the first time he's sang in front of a crowd outside of the music club. I hope he will start to go places at home to do it too.”

MC: “Maybe.”

N: “If he can get his big head through the door.”

Rotating around on the top of the breakfast bar stool I'm sat on, to see both Natsuki and MC in the kitchen doorway, both looking as if they had rolled out of bed having been woken up by the smell of the breakfasts being made. With how long his hair has gotten, the case of bed head is getting a little extreme.

SD: “He did make the owners daughter cry though, and your mother.”

SM: “Oh stop it.”

MC: “It's not like I made people cry on purpose.. Sort of.. Maybe a little bit.”

Watching as he turns his head to look at Natsuki with a smug grin on his face, trying to keep himself from laughing out loud. The look on his face alone is enough to cause a reaction from her. Spinning on the ball of her foot and planting her fist into his stomach, causing him to double over. Her look of victory quickly changes to show concern when she remembers that he is technically still in his recovery phase. Grabbing onto his arm to make sure he is steady on his feet. This is where I'd normally rush over in a panic, but I can see it on his face that he's still teasing her. Letting her worry for a few seconds before standing back up straight and making his way over to the table to join us for breakfast.

N: “That's not funny.”

MC: “Humour is subjective.”

N: “What is that supposed to mean?!”

MC: “You are the subject of my humour. What else?”

N: “... I hate you.”

SD: “So what do you have planned for the day?”

MC: “I don't think we'll be doing a whole lot of anything after yesterday.”

N: “Not used to all that walking, I don't know about Yuri or Monika, but my legs hurt.”

S: “We could all use a day off of our feet.”

SM: “Well just make sure you have everything packed up that you want us to take with us tomorrow.”

MC: “It's a shame you couldn't stay the whole time.”

SD: “New client keeping everyone busy. What can you do.

The rest of Today goes by slowly after breakfast. One of those days where you are glad to be doing absolutely nothing. Yuri spending most of the day reading, Natsuki doing the same but with manga. Monika and Masato listening to music with a single headphone earpiece each, trying to pick out something he could use for the upcoming visit. I couldn't help but notice the amount of times she would look at him with an expression on her face in disbelief at some of the things in his music library. Listening in to one conversation in particular where he was clearly desperate to skip to the next song, unable to as she had snatched the phone from between them and jumping to her feet and dodging behind the sofa they had been sat on.

M: “This sounds like fun.”

MC: “It won't be that one, lets skip it keep listening.”

M: “The angel on your shoulder says no, but the devil's gonna win.”

MC: “..You know that song don't you.”

M: “It's one of those nights. Maybe I do know it Masato, does Sayori?”

MC: “Well no.. It's not really her sort of music.”

S: “You never know, it might be.”

M: “When the lights go down, She comes alive. The dir..”

MC: “Monika I'm begging you stop.”

S: “I'm sorry what was that? Those lyrics are more than a little suggestive. Maybe I need to go through it too.”

MC: “Oh come on they are no worse than some of the things Natsuki listens to.”

Skipping her way next to me and handing me the spare earpiece that had come with her when she jumped off the sofa. Holding it next to my ear and listening, just in time for the next verse. I can see that he looks terrified at what I'm about to hear, while Monika is looking a little smug, she had obviously grown tired of her potential suggestions being shot down.

Blood red lips, Jean hugging hips man it should be a crime.

Drop dead looks, she's a perfect ten, tattoos are on her skin.

The angel on your shoulder begs no, but the devil's gonna win.

It's one of those nights.

S: “Masato.”

MC: “...yes..”

S: “Is that the kind of girl you like?”

MC: “..no..”

S: “It's not going to be 'one of those nights', is it?”

MC: “..no..”

S: “Good.”

M: “You do have him well trained, in such a short time too. I'm impressed Sayori.”

MC: “Can we please just try to find something I can use.”

It feels like things are getting closer to how they used to be. Natsuki was the first to go back to how things were before. A somewhat normal household is all she has ever really wanted. The living arrangements we have might be unconventional, but it works for us. Monika sticking with her occasional attempts at embarrassing him like she had just now. I do see that Yuri is trying. To feel one way but have to act another can be like torture. Right now the only one not aware of how she feels is the very one she feels that way about.

We have a late lunch at a small local cafe which was barely a two minute walk from the house. Given how busy the town is getting with the celebrations tomorrow, going later was the right choice. The staff were visibly relaxed after having dealt with the rush period and had far more time for the customers. The evening meal we have in the house. A joint effort between Natsuki and my mother. After which we spend time packing things we had bought and clothes that had already been worn to be taken home in the car tomorrow morning. Making our journey by train much easier.

Before long its the following evening, each of us wearing thick clothing, gloves and all but MC wearing hats to keep warm. We never did manage to get to an end of summer or fall festival with what happened. Making our way down from the house we have called home for the last few days towards the town centre, where the main road has been blocked off and either side of the street is covered in strings of small lanterns for the entire length of all the stalls and some of the surrounding streets.

It isn't long at all before Natsuki and MC are competing against each other stall after stall. Most of the time neither of them are even winning anything. It's just constant digs are each others failures. Even when taking a break from the games to have some food from the various stalls, it becomes critique of each others taste in festival food.

MC: “You can't even compare the two!”

N: “And why is that?!”

MC: “One is savoury the other is sweet, that's two different categories!”

N: “Please, you just can't appreciate the balance between the candied outside and the apple inside.”

MC: “I never said I didn't like them genius, but you were comparing the candied apple to Dango.”

N: “Which has a sweet coating.”

MC: “They are dumplings! Why are you even eating the dessert food first?!”

M: “You guys were much quieter when having to concentrate on the games. Can we go back to that?”

Y: “Two different people liking different foods. Congratulations you are both normal.”

M: “Mostly normal, the average person doesn't argue about it for the sake of arguing.”

S: “There is a much bigger variety of stuff here compared to the summer festival back home.”

M: “It's a shame we didn't get to go to that.”

MC: “You could have gone without me you know.”

There is a small uncomfortable silence when he says this. Even with my slight breakdown two nights ago, knowing that he wasn't there to see how everyone was during that time. How fractured and broken we were as a group at first. I know this is him trying to play it off as things are fine now. Trying to look back at what happened and not make a big deal over it as he recovered. I can't speak for the others, but what happened that night will likely haunt me for years to come.

N: “Nobody was in the mood for it. Besides without you who was going to pay for Sayori and my stuff.”

M: “We were advised against going. Not that we would have gone, Natsuki is right in saying nobody felt up to it. But after news of you being hurt spread round the school, people were asking about what happened.”

MC: “I guess I never asked what the school told other people.”

Y: “They said you had been in an accident, but people got suspicious when nobody would say where you were. A couple of people expressed interest in visiting.”

M: “Someone let slip that it wasn't an accident and that at the time you hadn't woken up.

N: “You say 'someone', it was clearly her.”

Y: “Outside of our group, the only people to know were Sayori's parents, Dr Aiza and maybe a select few members of the faculty.”

N: “And she would have read about it.”

M: “While I don't doubt it could have been Miko, it also could have been anything. The faculty talking about it and being overheard, someone related to the staff at the hospital or police that were on the scene. We just don't know.”

MC: “It doesn't really matter now anyway. Not many people have made a big deal of it when I eventually appeared again, most people probably didn't notice I was gone.”

S: “That because you've spent the last few years purposely not standing out.”

MC: “I'll have you know I tried my very best.”

S: “At not trying, you spent the first two years of high school becoming part of the scenery.”

MC: “It wasn't so bad. I did nothing but listen to music and read manga.”

N: “How is that any different to now?”

M: “Yeah that doesn't sound a whole lot different.”

MC: “Because before I didn't have multiple people complaining at me that I don't do anything.”

By the end of the run of game stalls, each of us is carrying some form of prize. Ranging from a chubby stuffed owl to gift vouchers for even more food from the festival that we trade in on our return trip along the main road which had become a promenade for the evening. The arguing devolving from who won more games because they clearly lost count when they started including games neither of them won but thought they did better than the other, to whoever won the better prizes.

A couple of people who had been witness to his performance two nights ago stopping him to talk to him. It's truly amazing how slow some people are to pick up on others social awkwardness. The years of being a recluse and the effect that has had on him being shown to those who know him. He never has been able to take a compliment well. He wasn't the only one either, it took much longer than it normally would have, but Yuri's discomfort at being in a crowd this large had begun to get to her.

Deciding amongst ourselves to watch the new years fireworks from the roof terrace back at the house in peace. Carefully weaving our way through the crowd, each person holding onto the person behind them to prevent being separated. MC and Natsuki at the front, Natsuki holding onto Yuri while he had hold of my right hand. Making it out of the crowd and into one of the side streets so we can cut around the outside. About to head in the direction of the house until Natsuki stumbles and almost falls.

N: “Watch where you are walking, Idiot.”

MC: “Why are you at the front if you are going to walk that slow?”

N: “Ugh, look what you did to my shoe, the sole has come away. What am I supposed to do, hop back?!”

MC: “Climb on.”

Looking to see him turn his back to her and kneel over after Monika and Yuri had taken what he had been carrying, I'm a little jealous. I haven't had a piggyback from him since the trip over the summer.

MC: “Well?”

N: “What, no Princess carry? You did it for Yuri didn't you?”

MC: “That was different, Yuri fell asleep outside.”

Y: “...You... carried me?”

N: “All the way to your bed from the garden.”

M: “You didn't know?”

Y: “I.. didn't really think about it.. What do you mean by.. princess carry..?”

N: “You know, scooped up in front of him. Over the threshold and all that.”

S: “I think that's what it's called for newly weds Natsuki.”

N: “Don't be so old fashioned. I know that the two of you have done it more than a few times.”

M: “Oh really. This isn't something you've mentioned before Sayori. Are you holding out on me for girl talk?”

MC: “Are we really going back to this being the butt of the jokes?”

N: “What was it you said about humour being subjective?”

Watching as Natsuki climbs onto his back, as we set off again on our walk home. On the other side of them I can see that Yuri has retreated behind her hair having gone bright red in the face. Having just pictured what Natsuki had just said. The one thing I can say for certain is that while it absolutely came as a surprise to her, she was one hundred percent okay with it.

After what he said to me that night, I don't feel like I'm having to bite my tongue about this. I'm not going to say that I'm alright with it, but it isn't getting to me as much as it would have. The normal taunting inner voice is for now at least quiet enough to be ignored. Leaving me to peacefully see in the new year with the closest friends I've ever had.

Listening to the crowd counting down the timer to midnight from the rooftop terrace. Resting my head against his left shoulder after wrapping my arms around his arm, placing one hand in the palm of his and the other on the back of his hand. As the countdown hits zero and the sky begins exploding into a fiery rainbow of colours, this is the new years I've dreamed of having for years.

Dreams really can come true.


	47. Chapter Fourty Seven

# Chapter 47

To see the new year in like we did the night before had been perfect. From the trip around the festival itself to watching the fireworks from back at the house away from the crowds. Everything about it felt so right.

The following morning I made sure we did the normal new years day tradition of hatsumōde. Something I've done with my parents every year as far back as I can remember, something he used to join us for. The visit to a local shrine, the buying of new charms for the upcoming year and trading in our previous one. The last time he was with me for this was before his father passed, this is also the first time I've had to spend new years eve and new years day without my parents. I wish they had been able to stay one more day, just so they could join us for this. It's not that it feels wrong without them, there isn't another group of people I'd rather be with. It just feels, off?

The last three new years day wishes have all been about either wanting to spend more time with him or hoping that he would notice how I feel. Since hearing about this trip I've been trying to think of a new. Since my previous ones had come true, it made me consider if I had the right to make any more selfish requests. Placing my two hands together and closing my eyes, thinking of the one request that I could bring myself to hope for.

_I want to stay by his side.._

_Until he finds the happiness he deserves._

Passing through the long line of stalls on the way there and back, the atmosphere being completely different in the daylight. It's lacking the sense of excitement or wonder from all of the different coloured lanterns and lights. The crowd not being any easier to navigate through than it was the night before due to the amount of families compared to the previous crowd of teenagers and adults.

The next few days pass by quicker than most. Another day of walking and enjoying the change in scenery, the next spent preparing to travel. Just like that it's time to get back to reality. The final few months of our time in high school.

Two weeks in a row I visit the therapy office on the Tuesday. Neither session being as open as previous ones after what happened, but it has helped to talk about things out loud again.

After the second session is over, I make my way to the side of the school where I know his part of the music club gather. Throughout the year, while they have stayed one of the largest clubs, just as any other club it hasn't been able to avoid people leaving. With the event just two weeks away being used almost as a celebration of the third years finishing their exams for University admissions. Looking through the window in the door of the room now used by all the vocalists going to be taking part. All gathered around a table talking as the days practice was over, a single sheet of paper sitting in the centre.

It's the first time I've had the chance to see what kind of environment the event is placing him in, the room has 13 people in it. Nearly all I don't recognize from them being in a different year or class. A couple I've seen him speaking to a lunch and one that I wish I could forget, sat right next to him.

Watching as she follows the trial of the conversation around the table, Miko almost seems like a different person. Until her eyes land on the person who is directly in front of the door. A quick glance up at the door and in an instant I'm brought back to how things had been. Eyes narrowing slightly as that smile that I hate appears for a brief second. Her whole demeanour changes as she addresses the group. Keeping it quiet enough for me not to hear as she points to the sheet on the table. Whatever she has said has both confused and interested the group. Turning on her seat and leaning towards him, left arm resting on the top of the chair behind her. Right hand dropping forward from playing with the end of her braid, index finger outstretched and pointing directly at him.

Her eyes haven't moved from him as she moves her hand back to playing with her hair. Others around the table have begun speaking again as they begin to stand up and gather their belongings. Stepping to the side and waiting as the group begins to slowly trickle out the door. I'm not surprised that he is opting to be the last to leave, not making a move until the room had mostly cleared out. He spent almost all of his time in high school doing this, some habits are harder to break that others. The only problem with this today is that not everyone has left the room. The moment she is in the doorway, without even taking the time to look at me she turns on the spot. Blocking both the way in and out of the room.

Mi: “You were awfully quiet there at the end.”

MC: “Since when have you wanted to perform with others.”

Mi: “Even I can take interest in other people, Masato.”

MC: “Then by all means please do.”

I find myself smiling at how dismissive he is being of her, I know this is as far as he will go. When we confronted her originally he refused to get angry with or about her, instead opting to sympathize. Knowing all too well how easy it is to let your situation change your outlook. It has been two months since then, two months of not seeing for myself how she acts around him. Despite his reassurances that she had been behaving and only talking about club related things. I get the impression that in the last five minutes that isn't the case anymore.

MC: “Why even suggest it though?”

Mi: “The school is making it into a makeshift leaving celebration for the seniors. Us. Doing this we could make the day a bit more active. Those of us who choose to know that we won't get judged on performing additional songs as a duet, but it would certainly help showcase how you can adapt yourself.”

MC: “The idea isn't a bad one, most of those taking part are younger than us and liked the idea. It would be good to include those who aren't taking part. Duet with you though? You have plenty of other choices who could...”

Mi: “Stop forcing yourself to be so tactful. You know as well as I do that nobody else in this whole school could match pace.”

She is fully aware I'm still here, most likely waiting for me to take the bait. Taking a single step forward, trying to keep her position in the doorway while at the same time continuing her attempts for a reaction. Placing the same index finger she had used previously against his shirt. Exactly on the spot I would rest my head against while listening to the rhythmic beat of his heart.

Mi: “You though. You're different. You come out of nowhere, with maybe at most three people in this club who are aware of you. Immediately standing leagues above the rest. Yet you lacked any ambition to push yourself.”

MC: “So I'm a threat to what? Your ego? For someone who once forced me to say you were the better singer, it sounds an awful lot like you think otherwise.”

Mi: “A threat? Don't make me laugh. I said you were above the others. Not Me.”

MC: “Your going in circles here, I don't get what you are trying to say.”

Mi: “What do you want out of this. All of this.”

MC: “There was a chance a job right?”

Mi: “Yes, if you get selected and then pass the course after”

MC: “Which is?”

Mi: “College Masato, did you even look into this at all? Up to six people from different local schools are being given this chance. This is exactly what I'm talking about, where is your ambition. Your drive.”

MC: “Standing right behind you.”

I can make out an annoyed look as she is trying to hide a scowl from the angle I have. Again she seems to refuse to look at me. Trying to hide the fact she knew I was here and that I hadn't played into her hands and reacted. It doesn't last long though, from ignoring to shifting her focus onto me.

Mi: “Maybe you could convince him to take this seriously. He hasn't even submitted what song he will be doing yet.”

S: “Is there really a chance at a college position?”

Mi: “I wouldn't be doing this if their wasn't. But if you don't believe me, read the info sheet he was given about it, because it sounds like he hasn't.”

S: “From what you are saying, this sounds like an entrance exam of sorts.”

Mi: “That is a pretty good way to sum it up. Read the sheet, you'll find all the details there, and Masato, think about my offer. The others will be doing it regardless.”

Knowing I'm not going to react to her close proximity to him, at least this time. Miko begins to make her exit. Something feels off though, for her to walk away like this after speaking to me so.. normally? No sharp last word, no taunting, not even a glance. It makes the walk home feel that much more agonizing, throwing my mind into overdrive.

Why was she like that?

She seemed so focused on not only her future, his too.

It's easy for him to notice that I'm distracted on our way home together, even stopping off for warm drinks and pastries doesn't change things. It helps me to relax a little, but not completely. I don't think I'll be able to until I know for definite what that sheet says.

Digging through school handouts in our room until I find the one that had been mentioned. The edges slightly dog eared, showing the signs of a page shoved into a bag without care. Skim reading the information I already know until I find what she had been talking about. My mouth moving along with the eyes. Re-reading the final details over and over. Each time not any easier than the first.

Placing one foot in front of the other, in an almost trance like state until I reach the edge of the kitchen, where Natsuki and Yuri are sat having warm drinks around the table as he and Monika are sat together listening to music as they had been on our trip away. Slamming my hand down on the kitchen table, causing Natsuki and Yuri to jump, Monika and MC standing up after taking out the headphone each they had been wearing. My hand shifting from being flat against the table to a clenched fist. Letting go of the sheet as I walk over to him. Breaking down as I fall into his chest.

S: “Why.. why didn't you read it...”

MC: “Huh? What's wrong? It's can't be that big a deal?”

Y: “The successful six candidates upon their graduation from High School will be offered a position of enrollment for a Three Year course to attain the following, Bachelor of Arts in Vocal Music and Performance. At the... Osaka University of Arts...”

N: “Osaka..?”

M: “Three years..?”

S: “You'd.. be.. gone... for three years..”

MC: “Hey I haven't been offered anything yet have I? Besides even on the off chance I do get it. If it's that far away I couldn't possibly..”

S: “You have to.. You.. can't...”

MC: “But I'd be.. almost the other side of the country..”

S: “You can't pass up a chance like this.. No matter what..”

M: “Sayori are.. you going to be alright if he does get it?”

N: “I agree that it's one hell of an opportunity. But Osaka.. it took us damn near seven hours to get there in the summer. It's not like coming to visit on a whim for either of you would be possible.”

Y: “A chance at a degree like this is an incredible, Osaka is one of the top five performing arts Universities in Japan, most of the others are in Tokyo...”

M: “So it doesn't matter which of those five it was based at..”

S: “You'd still be so.. far away..”

His tightening grip around me shows that he had no idea how far from home this could take him. My mixed reaction hasn't exactly helped him put things into perspective as we stand holding each other in a now silent room. I'm utterly devastated at the prospect of being separated from him for that long. All of the colleges we had planned on applying to were all at most an hour away from here by public transport. At the same time, I could never bring myself to ask him to turn down something this big. This is potentially an opportunity of a lifetime.

She knew.

This was her parting shot.

She chose her words carefully to hide how big this was.

The reality of how close our lives after high school is apparent for the first time and it scares the hell out of me. While I have a rough idea of what I'd like to do. Not once have I considered that he could be away for any of it. It is a topic we have all been trying to avoid bringing up, we all knew it was coming.

S: “I guess it is about time we talked about what happens next..”

N: “I've applied to culinary colleges, focusing mainly on patisserie stuff. Shocker, right? All have been pretty local. I guess I just.. assumed that I could... stay.. here..”

S: “You don't even need to ask. This is your home isn't it?

N: “I.. that's.. really up to him.”

MC: “Even if I do by some chance get offered this, and take it. The house isn't going anywhere. Honestly I'd feel better knowing someone is here.”

Y: “I.. I've applied mostly locally too.. History and Classical Literature.. People kept saying I should apply elsewhere.. Like Tokyo..but I don't think.. I could do it on my own..”

M: “With how this year has gone, I've been applying for Behavioural Psychology and Law. I've already spoken with Sayori's dad about potentially interning over the summer.”

MC: “That isn't at all what I thought you would go for. What made you change your...”

Pushing my index finger over his lips. It takes a moment for him to realize exactly why she changed. Watching his eyes open a little as he looks towards Monika. Moving his right arm from around me to his side.

MC: “Oh.. that..”

M: “Yes, That. Feeling helpless as you watch one of your friends almost die does kinda force you to have a new perspective.”

MC: “I had applied to some local colleges, mostly introductory courses for programming. I don't think I'd have the grades to go for the more advanced ones.”

S: “I've applied to some teaching colleges, and before you laugh. It's for training to be a kindergarten or elementary school Teacher.”

M: “Why would we laugh? Of all of us, you are the one I could see teaching a class of kids.”

Y: “I don't think I could do it.. It's hard enough being in a classroom full of people my own age..”

There is an awkward pause. For the most part it does seem that we had all planned on staying locally for our own reasons, be it family and living arrangements. The anxiety of going out on your own being too much. Or being so prepared that you had things in place for the next step.

I can tell myself all day that I'm going to hate not being in the same place as him. I'd wait for him for as long as it took. So no matter how much I know I'm going to hate it. I could never deny anyone, especially him, a chance at something like that.

I did say until he finds the happiness he deserves.


	48. Chapter Fourty Eight

# Chapter 48

It's been a week since reading that sheet of paper out loud. Since then, I've talked it over with my parents. But that didn't help me reach any conclusion that I already couldn't see. I don't need to be told that if this opportunity does present itself I have to make sure he doesn't pass on it for my sake. There is no guarantee we would end up attending the same college in the first place. It's not that that I'm worried about losing contact, honestly at this stage I don't think that is even an option for either of us.

I already know all of this.

But knowing what the right answer is doesn't make it hurt any less.

No matter how much I keep trying to tell myself. Until he finds the happiness he deserves. The idea of him meeting someone else while away is something I find myself refusing to accept. This relationship isn't something that I'm willing to give up on. Dr Aiza has previously told me in therapy, that I worry so much about how other people think and feel that I forget about myself, making choices that benefit anyone else other than me to avoid the risk of upsetting people. This feels different. It isn't an entirely unfamiliar feeling, the last time I felt it this strongly was when I took Natsuki's house key back from Miko and stood in her way.

Actively pursuing what I wanted.

What I thought was the best choice.

One more session with Dr Aiza goes by. Talking about how things made me feel before new years has helped quite a bit. Being told that feeling that way given our groups unusual dynamic was fairly natural. I still feel awful though, for being so on guard around my own friends. It isn't exactly like I can just apologize to Yuri for being made to feel this way. Doing that would probably make her feel worse about her own feelings for him. She is the only person I know of who sees the side of him that made me fall in love in the first place.

Being back in this office after what happened is still a little strange, talking things over in this room that almost caused more problems than it helped to fix. I'd rather this than the alternative of being prescribed tablets, I've never been very good with medication. The last time I fell ill, he made such a fuss over me and sat with me for two whole days. Making sure that I was taking tablets every four hours. It honestly made me feel like a child, but to be shown that level of care made me wish that I had stayed ill for longer. To be like that over a simple fever, to be put on something so drastic as anti depressants, I could never bring myself do it. I don't know if I'm more afraid of what the potential side effects could do to me or how it would change his behavior towards me.

This time around he is waiting for me outside the office, with no final changes to be made at this stage. He and all the other vocalists are now spending time apart to practice most afternoons. Because of this, he hasn't been able to attend the literature club last week or this week. Even if it does mean that he is either going home at different times to me on most days, seeing him put this much into something has been great.

MC: “Ready to go?”

S: “You aren't staying a bit later today?”

MC: “Nah, I don't want to over do it so close to the day.”

S: “So you have decided on a song then?”

MC: “Yeah, better late than never, right?”

S: “Well..?”

MC: “Well.. what?”

S: “What did you pick?”

MC: “That would be telling.”

S: “That's why I asked. So you would Tell me.”

MC: “Only one other person knows what it is and that's the music club advisor.”

S: “Oh come on.. not even me?

MC: “It's a secre..”

S: “Masato.”

MC: “Surprise. It's a surprise.”

Despite giving him my best unimpressed glare. He doesn't budge. Our walk home together huddled closely under the same umbrella as the time of year shows. I've never been a big fan of the rain. Often looking back on the times that he and I would shelter from the rain when we were younger, under trees at the park or by the benches if they weren't already taken. How things happened shifted over the years. The younger we were, the more effort we both used to put into taking cover. After his mother left, we would still take shelter together, but his sense of urgency in doing it wasn't what it was. After his father though, we didn't get to spend much time together outside or even walk home together much. The few times we did walk home together are when I skipped out on clubs I was part of back then. To walk alongside him with an umbrella, just like today.

Even if he never properly stood under it with me, that one shoulder was always ending up soaked. I was just glad to be around him, to see him. Seeing the complete disregard of his own well being was painful though, some days he wouldn't even put his hood up. When I'd finally catch up to him, his fringe would be hanging down near his eyes with the weight of the water. The times I was able to catch up to him, I at least knew I could follow him into his house and make sure he warmed up properly, under strict instructions to do so from my mother. Not much different to how she had done to him at Christmas.

Knowing what I know now, I'm glad he never pushed me away. Equally though it still eats away at me how as someone who also suffers from depression, I couldn't see the extent of how tight a grip it had on him. That just like I had been doing, he had his very own mask he wore around me. With how much has changed in the last year, those times seem so long ago.

Opening the front door to the house, the lack of warming scent from the kitchen lets both of us know that Natsuki is with Yuri, checking our phones just to confirm that she won't be home tonight. Leaving us alone to spend the night cuddled up on the sofa watching with the TV on but not watching anything. With the year being in its final stretch, the lack of homework has been absolute bliss.

The following couple of days are mixture of spending time together as a full group or just the two of us. I get the impression that while nobody wants to say it, Monika, Natsuki and Yuri are going out of their way to give us more time alone. I know I should thank them, but MC is right in saying that nothing is set in stone. He might not be going anywhere.

The Friday night going into the Saturday morning it doesn't seem like he slept much at all. It has been a long time since I've seen him this restless. Every time I was awake, I would reposition myself to try and lay with him, partially to stop him from sitting up after I'd fallen asleep again. The anxiety of getting up in front of a crowd that size preventing him from staying asleep long. It's no surprise that he's late down for breakfast and looks like he's straight out of a war zone when he does join us. Reading over the same song lyrics that he wouldn't let me see during the night every time I took his phone away from him. Silently drinking a coffee while barely touching the food on his plate. Standing once his mug is empty and making his way to the fridge, lifting out two small white cans. Catching Natsuki's attention as he sets them on the table, next of his plate.

N: “Raizin Zero? Yeah that's not happening. Give me those.”

MC: “When have you ever seen me drink these normally? Give me a break.”

N: “Do you have any idea how bad those things are for you?”

MC: “You're bad for me.”

N: “I'm serious, you don't need them.”

S: “What are they?”

N: “Basically liquid death.”

MC: “They are no worse for you than a coffee.”

N: “Which you have already had. You don't need more.”

MC: “I'm only having one now.”

S: “But you have two.”

MC: “That's for later.”

N: “How much later.”

MC: “When we get to school.”

N: “So in like 25 minutes. No. I'm having this one, just to make sure you don't.”

Before he can protest, she has already popped the ring pull on it and forced herself to drink it. The face she makes after emptying the can in one go is conflicted. She clearly wants to hate it, but can't hide the fact that she actually liked it.

MC: “You look like you really hated that.”

S: “That's true.”

N: “Shut up. They are still bad for you.”

MC: “Admit it. You liked it.”

N: “It wouldn't sell if it tasted bad, dummy.”

S: “That's also true.”

Finishing the mouthful of egg and toast. The worried look on his face being replaced with a slight smile. While there may not have been any actual laughing, the audible exhaling from him showed that the intent was there.

MC: “Thanks. Natsuki.”

N: “For..?”

MC: “Trying to take my mind off today.”

N: “What gave it away?”

MC: “Drinking that instead of pouring it away.”

N: “I'd say your welcome. But don't make me have to do it again.”

Leaving the house, we are barely out the door before being stopped by my mother. Who hugs him and wishes him well, letting him know that both her and my father managed to get half days from work and will be attending later to support him. Not something that he was expecting with the delay on returning it. Looking at me blankly like he expected to need my permission to do so.

Arriving in the front gates, a handful of food stalls had been put up by a few larger clubs in an attempt for fund raising. While things were still very low key compared to the festival near the start of the year, external visitors wouldn't be likely to be much beyond the friends and family of those competing for the university places. Every stall had a queue of students waiting to be served.

As he joins the other music club members that are taking part today, Natsuki and I make our way back to near the entrance to the building to meet up with Yuri and Monika. Deciding to grab something to drink from one of the stalls to have while we pass the time in the club room. It does feel like everyone else has something they can be doing to occupy themselves. Natsuki and Yuri are looking over a manga that from what I can tell, Yuri was the one to pick after he recommended it to her based on her taste in novels. While it isn't the normal genre of manga Natsuki would have chosen, she is giving it a chance in the same way Yuri is.

Monika is currently going over some old club documents to be submitted to the advisor. The kind of thing that as club vice president, I should really help with. She has always insisted that being such a small club meant we didn't have much in the way of budget or other reports to pass on. Another thing she didn't miss from being in the debate club. She does however take notice that I'm somewhat lost for something to do, signalling me over to join her at the desk.

M: “You look like you need a distraction.”

S: “I'm just a little.. nervous? Is that stupid? It's not even me that needs to do anything.”

M: “It's not stupid at all Sayori. It's natural, especially given your relationship. You aren't the only one who's a little anxious about it.”

S: “So the rest of you feel the same too?”

M: “It's hard not to be after finding out what he has a chance at getting.”

S: “Do you know what he chose?”

M: “He told me it was one I suggested, but he won't say which. Beyond you'll know it when you hear it, he gave me nothing.”

S: “I remember you said before that he had been in one of your classes. What was that like?”

M: “He was quiet, anti social I guess you would call it. Not in the same way Yuri would have been, some people did try to talk to him.”

S: “With no luck I'm guessing? That does sound about right”

M: “It's not like he was being rude about things. But it did worry a few people who had known him in middle school. Saying that he didn't used to be like that. I said before that a few girls liked the air of mystery didn't I?”

S: “I never wanted to ask about that before. The idea of other people being interested in him always worried me. That he would move on if he knew what he was missing. But.. what kind of things did they say?”

M: “Move on? You're kidding right? That's the last thing he would do. If you do really want to know though. Maybe it was because some of the girls read too many shoujo manga, seeing him like a project. They backed off once they realized nobody could get through to him. Well, nobody except..”

Moving her two hands that sat propped under her chin enough to free her right hand, extending her index finger silently in my direction before reaching down to her paper coffee cup. To be told what I already knew being said by others is a bit flattering. I get the impression that this time a year ago had I known that my presence drove other girls away from him would have left me a guilt ridden mess. Hearing it now though, makes me feel.. Happy? A little embarrassed?

S: “Me? But I wasn't doing anything special.”

M: “All be it unintentionally, you marked your territory pretty convincingly. That said, for the sake of both of you, I'm glad that this event is happening so close to the end of our time in school.”

S: “What makes you say that?

M: “I said they backed off. I didn't say they stopped looking. But lets think of it from another perspective Sayori. MC is.. a pretty good looking guy. Very few people know anything about the real him outside of the Literature Club and a select few of the Music Club. And later today people are going to see, or to be more precise, hear. A side of him they didn't know existed.”

S: “You're saying that people are going to take notice. Aren't you?

M: “Take notice, make gossip, spread rumours. Whatever you want to call it. The last part of our three years in this place are certainly going to be interesting.”

S: “Rumour's are just temporary, even what happened before with Miko went quiet after a while.”

M: “Maybe I'm just being cynical and looking way too much into it. Like I said before, you of all people have nothing to worry about. You've already staked you claim.”

Maybe it's all the nights of sitting up late with him watching various different romantic comedy anime starting to take effect on me. The image of him with a tiny flag sticking out of his head with my face on it breaks my train of thought. Causing me to start quietly giggling uncontrollably. Taking a while regain my composure. Monika, despite looking a little confused at first at as to what she said that was funny, doesn't push for an answer. Seemingly just happy with knowing that she successfully took my mind off worrying about today.

Taking my phone out of my blazer pocket as it begins vibrating, to find a message from my mother to let me know that she and my dad have arrived and will meet us in the main hall. Giving Monika the chance to do something she hasn't done in a while. Clapping her hands together to get the attention of the room and address us as a group. That is was time to go and show our support.

So begins the longest walk from the club room that any of us have ever made


	49. Chapter Fourty Nine

# Chapter 49

Joining my parents in the hall as the room slowly fills from the two doors at the back. My parents taking a spot off to the left hand side among other family members of those taking part, almost sat next to Dr Aiza. The rest of us stay close by in the spaces designated for students. Yuri taking up the position on the outside of the row so she wouldn't end up feeling claustrophobic. With no idea what order the thirteen acts would be performing in, it was now a case of waiting until he appeared from the side of the stage.

Once the hall has filled and everyone settles into place. The adviser of the music club gives a brief introduction to the family members and the two representatives of the company that is sponsoring the competition. Some members of the music club who aren't taking part provide some warm up performances before the advisor takes to the stage a second time to signal the start of the 13 individual acts that he would be one of.

After the first five acts, it's hard to pick between those who has gone so far. All good performances in their own right, some songs being more memorable than others. If anything the choice in song is going to play a bigger factor than most people realize. I know that I'm a biased choice here. I'm always going to say he could do better.

The sixth act though, I can feel my knuckles tighten as we watch Miko make her way to the stand and begins to adjust it's height. Just the sight of her causes discomfort, but in the build up to this, no matter how many times I tried to get a response out of him about her singing, to be critical of her. The one thing he wouldn't be critical of was exactly that.

N: “Anyone else want this to go really badly?”

M: “Would you believe me if I sad no?”

N: “No.”

M: “Good, cause I'd be lying.”

Y: “What do you think Sayori?”

S: “I know that MC refused to say anything negative about her voice. So..”

N: “You think she'll do well?”

M: “I do.”

S: “So do I.”

Even her choice of song bothers me, annoyingly it's a song I'm very fond of. So right from the start I want to hate this performance. As the piano intro ends and the vocals begin, it's hard to hate it. If I'm hating anything it's how good she actually is.

Miko's Song Choice. - [My Immortal](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKB4LlvixZU)

Once her turn ends, the round of applause is the loudest it's been yet. Left thinking of her words outside the clubroom. She openly said that he was her competition. The one that she was striving to stay ahead of. Of all the other performers, he is the only one she acknowledges as a threat to her, despite his complete lack of drive to be better than others.

N: “That.. I hate to say it.. but goldilocks can really ummm..”

M: “What you're trying to say is she nailed it.”

N: “Yeah.. I still don't like her though.”

Y: “I don't think any of us ever will. But that was certainly something.”

S: “Not going to be able to listen to that song anymore.”

M: “I know right? I liked that song too.”

The next four acts are much like the first five. Everyone who is taking part is extremely talented, but I almost feel bad for those who were directly after Miko. Seemingly being overshadowed by what came before. As the music begins for the eleventh act, I can hear Monika next to me laugh quietly as the slow sound of the piano builds up into a melody.

MC's Song Choice - [Pieces](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7jA0r8hulo)

M: “So this is what he chose.”

S: “He's up next? How can you tell?”

M: “This is one of the songs we considered.”

N: “You're sure it's definitely going to be him?”

M: “One hundred percent.”

Y: “But.. where is he?”

M: “The intro to this song is long. He has time.”

Y: “You don't think he'll back out do you?”

N: “He better not. Not after I had that stupid drink of his.”

S: “Yeah. That's the reason why he shouldn't.”

M: “Sayori, are you picking up his bad habit of sarcasm?”

S: “...no..?”

Hearing some quiet mutters in the crowd to our right, turns our attention back to the stage. He has made his way out from the side. Being nudged by Monika, as she silently nods in the direction of a small group of people who had been in the same class that she had shared with. Talking amongst themselves once one of the smaller of the group recognizes him. Their expressions not much different from when the other members of the literature club first saw him on a stage.

By the time the guitar joins the piano, he is standing in front of the microphone. Looking visibly nervous and not opening his eyes. Listening intently to the backing track to know when to start, he never did like reading lyrics from a sheet. Moving his hands to rest on the mic stand, the right hand on top and his left holding not far beneath. Given the height of the stand itself, the positioning of his left hand causes his watch to slide out from under his shirt. From the very moment he put it on, with the exception of bathing he hasn't taken it off. Refusing to even get the strap adjusted by removing a link to make it fit better. signalling that the lyrics were about to start. Knowing this, Monika leans in to whisper to me.

_“Pay attention to the lyrics. He chose this because of you.”_

As the lyrics start, he sounds a little different to how he normally would. Like he is putting more into this than anything I've ever heard from him, showing what he can do in full. I know I am the most biased person in this whole hall, but even for him this is.. almost mesmerizing. All I can focus on is him. The way he sounds. It isn't until the second chorus that the what Monika whispered to me properly sinks in.

_Then I'll see your face_

_I know I'm finally yours_

_I find everything I thought I lost before_

_You call my name_

_I come to you in pieces_

_So you can make me whole_

He chose this because of me?

To know that and see him standing up there, in front of all these people. The thought of it terrifies me so I can't begin to imagine how he feels about it. To be up there singing a song he chose because of our relationship. I may have gotten quite good over time at hiding my negative emotions from those around me, but to try and contain how happy I am is still a foreign concept. Wearing a wide smile while trying not to blush. One quick glance to Monika tells me that my attempts to try and hide my happiness needs work, causing her to giggle slightly.

As the music ends, there is a delay in applause. Much like when he sang while we were on holiday it took people by surprise. Our group being the first to start, with the rest of the hall joining in as he makes his way out of sight behind the current to our left and off stage. While it may have not been immediate, the sound easily equals that of the applause Miko received. By the time the room goes quiet again, my hands sting from how forcibly I was clapping my hands together, the only person in the entire hall who may have been louder than me was my mother. The way she is holding her hands coupled with my dad shaking his head slowly as she rests them back on her lap, runs in the family I guess.

With the final two acts finishing, the stage now being used by the members of the music club who weren't taking part again, people coming and going from the hall. Along with my parents, we make our way out of one of the side exits and into the corridor. The narrow space full of the family members of and all of those who took part. Winding our way through the small crowd until he is in sight. Already being spoken to by both Miko and her mother. Remembering what Monika previously said about me already staking my claim. It was time to remind a certain someone of that. Throwing my arms around his middle and grabbing on firmly, resting the left side of my head against his chest. Keeping the eye closest to his chest open while shutting the other, because after everything she did to us I want to see the look on her face. Those teal eyes locked onto mine as I had dared to interrupt their conversation to mark my territory. Trying to hide her annoyance from present company by not wearing it on her face. She doesn't need to be told I'm doing this on purpose.

S: “You were amazing! I'm so proud of you.”

SM: “We are all proud of you Masato.”

M: “Good choice on the song.”

Y: “It was beautiful.”

N: “Colour me impressed, but only a little.”

MC: “Thanks.. was a bit nervous being in front of that many people. Did it show much?”

N: “Yes.”

Y: “Natsuki!”

N: “What? He asked.”

S: “Nervous or not, that was the best I've ever heard from you.”

MC: “Really?”

S: “Really.”

Mi: “I'm going to go ahead to the music room to meet the others. Try not to be too long.”

MC: “I'll be up shortly. Won't be staying long though.”

Mi: “It was good to hear the real you for a change.”

MC: “Umm.. thanks?”

Saying goodbye to her mother, Miko makes her exit. Looking back at us before disappearing from sight. Leaving me with the feeling that I probably shouldn't be taunting someone with a track record of doing what she likes at the expense of others. Everything about her rubs me the wrong way to the point where I don't even like seeing her in the same room as him, let alone talking to him. Even if given their current position as participating vocalists both reaching for the same prize. Knowing she is in close proximity to him makes me uncomfortable, leaving me with no choice but to try and take solace in the fact that they aren't alone.

After spending some time in the room full of the other music club members, a mini celebration to the event now being over. He does join us back at home, opting to walk home instead of asking my dad for a lift. He described it as a waste of fuel to make another trip for just him despite my protests. Truthfully I just wanted to get him home sooner so he would be away from her. Natsuki and my mother are busy in the kitchen preparing lots of small easy to eat snacking dishes. A mixture of sweet and savoury things to satisfy everyone's tastes given how different each member of our group actually is. It does still surprise me at times how we function as a group because of this, but at the same time it does mean that when we go out places or order takeaway that we never get out food mixed up.

The last time either of my parents set foot in this house is a far cry from where we are now. My father especially as he was present for when it happened, understandably he is avoiding setting foot in the kitchen area. Monika and Yuri also both pick up on this, opting to distract him by going through old photo albums that my parents mentioned they've had digitized recently and uploaded to our families cloud storage account. MC showing my father how to broadcast from his phone to the TV so that we can all see. The pictures going back as far as holidays that our families had together from as far back as us being five years old. This does include some pictures of both sets of parents, making it the first time all of the others have seen any photographs of his mother. My father was going to skip until we reached the pictures without her, but it was MC who said to keep looking at the older stuff. Wanting to see things from a time neither of us really remember anything about.

As the first plates of food are set out for people to take from, the old photos that are being automatically cycled through get interrupted by an old grainy video from a camcorder. From a summer trip away. The only thing I can remember about that trip at all were the fireworks being launched from a boat in the middle of the lake. The voice in the background giving away that the one holding the camera is my mother. The video being taken just before the firework display started. The footage being quite dim, showing Masato and I sat next to each other on a blanket in yukatas. His attention being taken by a puzzle that his father had won for him from one of the stalls.

SM: “Are you having a good time sweetie?”

S: “Mmhmm! I love holidays!”

SM: “Do you? What else do you love?”

S: “I love ice cream and ma.sa..o!”

The sound of a wrapper being undone blocks out most of the sound for a second, with the focus of the footage being lost momentarily due to the low light and the movement as my mother opts to open the ice cream with both hands, leaving the camcorder hanging from her wrist by its strap. The footage becoming clear again to show my mothers arm out in front handing my way too excited younger self the blue ice cream before following it up by saying

_“Give a kiss to the one you love most Sayori.”_

The torn look on my younger selves face as she looks down at the blue stick in her hands for several quiet seconds before out stretching them back to my mother to take the ice cream from me, using my now free hands to move towards a still distracted MC. Leaning forward to kiss him on the cheek, only for him to look up at the last second, turning it into a kiss on the lips. My unfazed younger self spinning back around to face my mother, eyes closed and a massive smile before opening my eyes to take the ice cream back. He on the other hand had barely moved, clearly not happy with what just happened. Turning to look at his father for support.

SD: “Masato, I hope you're going to take responsibility for that?”

MC: “But I didn't do anything!”

MCF: “No, no Masato you aren't in trouble. Calm down.”

SM: “Hana! Did you see? She picked Masato over ice cream!”

MCM: “Was it.. oh it was a blue one. That is a surpri...”

The video cuts out, not knowing if it was purposely skipped or if it had naturally ended. Moving onto the next album of the two of us looking in rock pools. My initial embarrassment of my mother being far too excited by my choice dissipating upon seeing his face. The realization of that being the first time he has heard his father in over three years and also the first time hearing his mothers voice at all since she left. I can't tell if its more worrying that he isn't reacting to hearing it. Desperate to break the silence with anything at all, looking to Monika for help as I'm stuck thinking of what to do.

M: “That was pretty adorable.”

N: “So. Your first kiss happened nine years earlier than you originally thought. Seriously what took you guys so long?”

Y: “It sounds like you used to be very fond of ice cream.”

S: “Yeah.. I did.”

MC: “She still is.”

S: “In my defence. Ice cream is pretty great.”

MC: “Yeah, but back then you used to ask for it when it was cold outside as well.”

S: “I wasn't that bad.”

Nodding to Monika to thank her for the quick thinking in pushing for reactions as a distraction. I didn't remember that happening at all. I guess Natsuki is right in saying that would technically count as the first time we did, even if it was accidentally instigated by my mother and unlike the the pocky incident when we were fourteen I didn't really know what I was doing. It did seem like that may have been the moment our parents had thought to themselves we would end up together.

Glancing over to him again, still unsure if it's a good or bad thing he hasn't reacted. Until I notice the way he is sitting, leaning forward in his chair. Both elbows resting just above his knees to try and hide his right hand is resting on his left arm in plain sight. The grip on his own arm being so aggressively firm that there was no way it wasn't uncomfortable. Only stopping when he is handed a small plate of food by Yuri, who has done this on purpose, being the only other person in the room who has picked up on how he was dealing with it in his own self destructive way. Looking over to me once content that he has stopped.

I do hope that was solely because my parents were present and it was just him not wanting to be vocal about it after saying not to skip the older pictures for his sake. Hearing her voice for the first time in almost ten years can't have been easy.

I can't let this spiral from here. Not again.


	50. Chapter Fifty

# Chapter 50

The rest of the evening provides us with the first time we've had a late night get together since the new year. My parents leaving shortly after 8pm. Both taking the opportunity to again let him know how proud they were of him. It isn't difficult to see that while they for the most part do keep their distance to give him freedom and to not seem like they are trying to take anyone's place, both of my parents take their roles as his legal guardians very seriously. A role that technically ends when we graduate high school. With the following day being a Sunday, Yuri and Monika end up staying over.

I've been waiting all evening to get a chance to talk to him alone. To try to get him to open up and tell me how he really feels after seeing that. He's the first to have a shower before getting ready for bed. Taking a seat on the bed next to him as he begins to dry his hair. Resting my right hand on the part of his arm that he had been grabbing hold of, leaving his other arm free and still holding the smaller towel over his head. A silence filling the room as I cup my other hand round the back of his arm, overlapping my fingers.

MC: “You saw it, didn't you.”

S: “I did.”

MC: “Thank you. For not saying anything earlier.”

S: “I didn't want to bring attention to it. Yuri was the only other person to notice.”

MC: “I'm just being stupid, right? It shouldn't still bother me. We did just fine without her.”

S: “You aren't being stupid. Anyone would understand why that gets to you.”

MC: “I've never been told why. I don't even know if my dad or your parents ever found out. If they did, they chose not to say.”

S: “Whatever her reason, it'll never be good enough. Nothing will ever make up for what she did to you. Even if you were to forgive her somehow, I don't think I ever could.”

MC: “Forgive her? You know as well as I do that I wouldn't. It's.. unusual to see you this outspoken about it.”

S: “Her false promises almost took you from me. It used to be a situation I just accepted until you showed me.”

MC: “I hadn't really looked at it like that before.”

S: “I know this is going to sound really hippo..hip...”

MC: “Hypocritical?”

S: “Yeah that. Coming from me of all people, but you don't put enough value in what you mean to other people. I've told you this before, in the last year alone what you have done for others changed their lives for the better. Just by being there.”

I know I'm the last person who can tell him this, causing the room to fall silent again. Given what I tried to do earlier this year, I can tell that for my sake he is biting his tongue. Getting him to open up has always involved some give and take. This being the first time I've told him about how finding out what he went through changed how I felt about his mother. Before I would have always tried to remain passive, I would have always taken his side regardless. To find out she had lied to him, that it was the reason he ended up in the hospital while I knew nothing about it. Part of me is still.. angry? Bitter? That my parents kept it from me, but I do understand why they said nothing. Knowing that it was best to come from him.

S: “Just please promise me that in the future you'll try not to react like that. Please stop turning things back on yourself.”

MC: “I didn't want to do anything in front of your parents, not after I openly said it was fine.”

S: “Masato there wasn't a single person in that room who would want you to do that to yourself, you aren't alone.”

MC: “I know. Old habits die hard. It was.. kinda.. nice to see all the old holiday stuff. To remember how things were. Everyone seemed so happy.”

S: “Except for you. What was that face all about?”

MC: “Excuse me little miss nine years earlier than expected, sorry for reacting the way any five year old boy would?”

S: “Well don't let it happen again.”

MC: “No danger of that, unless of course you are going to be counting old footage like that in which case I can't promise anything.”

After prying what little I could from him, I take my turn in the shower before settling down under the covers. Thinking of everything that was just said. Never being told. Even after finding out what happened. Nobody has ever gone into great detail, or so much as spoken to me about when he was admitted to the hospital for the first time. From over hearing the Doctor speaking to my father in September, I know that while it took longer for him to wake up this time around. The severity of his condition was on par with the previous visit to the ICU. The thought of that scares me, even if it was three years ago.

The thought of something being as bad as the sight of him on the kitchen floor. Or being covered by wires in a bed, not moving no matter how much I begged and pleaded to the chorus of mechanical beeping. At the time I was so distraught that I couldn't stop to think on how it possibly could have been any worse than what was in front of me.

Taking hold of his arm that is around me, to bring myself back to the here and now. Reminding myself that knowing wouldn't change what happened. What really matters is what we have. Making sure that I calm down before falling asleep in his arms.

Starting back at school on the Monday morning, it's quite discomforting to have so many people looking in your direction first thing in the morning. I know they are looking at him and not me, I wasn't the one on stage on Saturday. If this is making me feel uncomfortable, I can't imagine how it would be making someone who would consider themself an anti social recluse feel. The fact that he also doesn't manage to get away from people to meet up with us during the first break shows that he is struggling to deal with the new found attention. His previous strategy of talk to nobody and fade into the background no longer being an option.

The lunch breaks during the rest of the week aren't exactly much better. It takes him almost three times longer than normal to reach the club room at the best of times. I thought Monday morning was bad, Monika's assessment of him getting noticed was an understatement. I don't think I've been glared at so much in my life by girls from every single year in attendance. I'm not the only one either. Yuri and Natsuki have been noticed around him, causing some of the looks to go their way. Yuri and myself not having the confidence to call people out the way Natsuki would. Glaring back and loudly asking what their problem is.

Waiting outside his classroom as the lunch break begins on the Friday. There are some members of the music club in his class, who seem to be enjoying the attention they get from being associated with him. Recognizing the two girls that Monika pointed out in the crowd among those unwittingly holding him hostage. Annoyingly in a desk shuffle that happened just after Christmas, he is now against the window on the far side of the room. Making it easier to trap him to prevent him from leaving. Still not used to the new found attention, those who know him well know that he would rather be anywhere else right now.

Letting out a rather mousey squeak as a face appears over my shoulder, just quiet enough that only Monika, the one who caught me off guard was the one to hear it, letting out a slight giggle given the ridiculous noise I just made.

S: “Don't do that!”

M: “Sorry Sayori. I couldn't resist. So they got him today then?”

S: “Yeah. You weren't kidding. At least it happened when school was basically over.”

M: “You mean after you got your claws in him first?”

S: “Monika!”

M: “Would you like me to go rescue him?”

S: “Please.”

M: “Can I have some fun doing it?”

S: “Are you asking my permission to pretend flirt with my boyfriend to ward off those around him?”

M: “Maybe.”

S: “Do it.”

M: “My pleasure.”

Striding past me into the room, Monika has always carried herself with such confidence. Something I don't think I could ever do. She is quite possibly the only girl in our entire school who gets out of bed in the morning and isn't frustrated by what they see in the mirror. Turning several heads as she makes her way across the classroom. As he takes notice of Monika, he gives a quick glance to the doorway and notices me. Thankfully not needing an explanation of what is going on as Monika lifts herself slightly to sit on the side of his desk. It barely takes more than a couple of words paired with an angled look in his direction from her elevated position on his desk.

I can't help but feel a little envious of her. To be so confident and aware of what you have and be able to use it like she just has. Making it seem so easy. Everything about her is more appealing than me. If it wasn't for the fact I consider myself closer to her than any other girl I know, I'd be utterly terrified by what I've just seen. As the two of them exit the room, Monika giving a slight nod to a successful rescue before we make our way to meet the others for lunch.

What is left of lunch is over quicker than anyone would like. Meeting up again in the clubroom at the end of the day. As has been the pattern all week, MC is the last to arrive. A quiet afternoon of MC and Yuri reading the manga that he had chose for her, as she was gradually starting to understand why Natsuki and him were so fond of it. I found myself working alongside Monika to deal with the gradual wrapping up of club activities. Once he officially joined us, being recognized as an official club also provided us with a slight budget allowance. With no members from the first or second years, once we left the club would cease to be. Which is quite upsetting given that it has provided us with not only the most memorable school year we've all had, but it was what created this mismatched group of people.

M: “You know, we could use the attention he is getting to try and recruit some new members.”

S: “I don't think that's such a good idea.”

M: “For you or for him?”

S: “Are you just trying to get out of all this paper work by pushing the club onto a junior?”

M: “The thought had crossed my mind.”

A slight giggle from the two of us as we accepted our paperwork based fate. I'm brought back to the thought of how she carried herself across the classroom at lunch.

S: “How do you do it?”

M: “Do what?”

S: “What you did at lunch. You were so confident.”

M: “I wouldn't call it confidence. It's more being comfortable around people I know.”

S: “You knew the people speaking to him?”

M: “I know of them. But when I went over to his desk, who did you see me speak to?”

S: “Just him. Why do you ask?”

M: “That's exactly my point. I was comfortable doing that because it was for you and for him.”

S: “Yeah but, you had such presence. It was really something.”

M: “ You think so? Maybe it was my time in the debate club. It wasn't an uncommon thing for the girls to use different tactics to put off the boys.”

S: “You used your feminine wiles to distract people and win debates. Is that what you just admitted.”

M: “Oh don't give me that. I know from hearing the two of you first hand that you've pushed that boat out further than me.”

S: “That.. might.. be a little.. true... but seriously, how is someone as great as you not taken?”

M: “Focusing on my career prospects I guess? Truthfully I've never really been close to any guys. MC not included, he's a different case. The relationship you guys had before even becoming a couple makes me a little envious of you.”

S: “You? Envious of me?”

M: “Is that really so unbelievable?”

S: “Yes?”

M: “Well it shouldn't be. The two of you were best friends before taking things further. A lot of people would give anything for that kind of foundation.”

It's sometimes easy to forget that the relationship he and I had was a special case. To forget that not everyone was as lucky to meet the one they would want to spend their life with before they can even speak properly.

With Natsuki going to Yuri's after we left the clubroom, it meant he and I could be alone together for the evening. Holding on to his arm the entire way home, trying to take a leaf from Monika's book. This is how I am comfortable and I don't care who sees us like this. We might try to dial down how we are when the others are here, but right now it is just us.

As he begins to fumble around in his pocket for his keys, the pent up jealousy that has been building since Monday due to the attention he has been receiving gets the better of me. Turning him on the spot and wrapping my arms around the back of his neck, pulling him in close before he can even remove his hand from the door as it gently swings open. As Monika put it before, staking my claim. Breaking away after several blissfully uninterrupted minutes. Keeping my arms where they are and his forehead resting against mine as we stand in open doorway of our home.

MC: “What brought that on?”

S: “Just enjoying some time we finally have alone.”

MC: “Oh really.”

S: “Mmhmm. Now, what are we doing for the rest of the night?”

MC: “Well.. seeing as we are alone.. I thought we would..”

S: “We would...?”

MC: “Order in some food so we don't end up doing dishes.”

S: “What kind of food did you have in mind?”

MC: “As it's just the two of us.. I was going to order in from that little Malaysian place you like.”

S: “Mmmm, you really do know me too well.”

_“Excuse me for interrupting, but is this still the Chousokabe residence?"_

That voice..

Not now.. Please not now..

The look in his eyes tell me all I need. He knows exactly who it is without having to look. Pulling heavily with my arms to keep him where he is, to keep him focused on me. Keeping my voice down so that she cannot hear the instructions I'm passing on.

S: “Masato. Go inside, call my parents and get them over here.”

MC: “I..”

S: “Masato, do you trust me?”

MC: “of course I do..”

S: “Then please. Go inside and make that call. You are not doing this alone.”

Releasing my arms from the back of his neck and pushing him through the front door before closing it. Blocking any contact before it can happen while keeping my back to her. I'm all but certain my actions have already answered her question.

MCM: “I apologize again for the sudden interruption, I didn't realize he had a girlfriend. But I was hoping to get a chance to speak to my son... By your reaction I'm assuming he has told you about me. I'm..”

S: “I know who you are.”

Slowly and rather unwillingly turning to face his mother. Her black hair being shorter than I remember it. Now only just reaching her shoulders, her face however was the same. Stood in front of me is an older version of the woman that walked out of his life and didn't look back. Watching as she comes to the realization that she also knows me and that I'm fully aware of what she has done.

"...Sayori."


	51. Chapter Fifty One

# Chapter 51

This is not how tonight was supposed to be, our time alone. Our perfect night in. It took all of sentence for the evening we had just planned together to shatter around us. Now I find myself standing in the same doorway I found myself blocking from someone else almost three months ago. But this is different from that time, stood in silence looking at a woman that for his sake I had hoped would never appear in front of him again.

I didn't even need to say that I knew. She could see it from before I turned around. My choice to remove him from sight as quickly as possible. Fulfilling a promise between myself and my mother on the chance that this very thing should ever happen.

_Notify us immediately, and do whatever is takes to not let her near him until we are there._

A promise that I've kept secret from him and my father. Something that when I first made it, I didn't fully know what I was getting myself into. I've seen everything I need to since then. How he speaks of her, his recent admission that he never found out why, what he said when visiting his fathers grave. If I were to close my eyes right now, I could picture every faint line, every scar. An image burned into my memory from when he first properly opened up to me. With the exception of the two new ones that appeared this year, the reason behind them is stood in front of me.

The silence is long and almost painful.

MCM: “You.. look like her so much..If I didn't know any better.. I'd have mistake you for your mother..”

S: “Not being around for nearly ten years would do that.”

MCM: “I.. suppose it would..”

S: “There is no suppose about it.”

MCM: “So..you and Masato are.. dating?”

S: “Is that a problem?”

MCM: “No.. no not at all. I.. expected it.. really.. The two of you were always inseparable. How long have you both..?”

S: “Almost a year.”

MCM: “Good for you.. both of you.. I'm.. actually a little surprised it didn't happen sooner..”

S: “Certain things got complicated. You can blame yourself for that. I do.”

MCM: “I'd.. like to speak to my son, Sayori.”

S: “Not until the rest of his family are here and even then. The decision of if he even wants to see you will be his.”

MCM: “I came here.. knowing full well that people would be angry.. But I'm here to speak to my son, whatever the cost.”

To here that word come from her. I'm already angry just from having to tolerate her presence. Cost? She wants to speak of cost? I've had times over the last year that I've been angry. Almost all of them caused by Miko, but this is something else entirely. With tears forming in the corners of both eyes, I think this is possibly the first time I've ever shed tears in anger. The way she is speaking, knowing what she did was wrong. Without the knowledge of what she has actually caused.

S: “..Whatever the cost..? Nothing.. There is nothing you could ever do or say.. that would make up for what you have put him through.. Do you have any idea.. what you almost took from me..”

SD: “That's enough Sayori.”

Seeing both of my parents appear from behind the fence, passing his mother with only my father turning his head at all to acknowledge her presence. Taking a step to the side to allow them to the door, my mother stopping next to me and resting a hand on my shoulder. Her way of saying well done without letting anyone else know what she had asked of me.

I'm the last person to enter the house, still feeling the adrenaline rush from the confrontation that I'd hoped would never happen. It isn't a feeling that I think I'll ever be used to. Seeing his face though, I start to question if it was the right thing to do. I know that my mother would have his interest in mind, but if there was ever a slim chance for things to be mended.. I don't think I've helped matters at all.

Whether is was the right or wrong decision.. I stand by what I said outside. The last year together has changed how I felt on this matter entirely. Being able to step back and think about more than just how this is on him. I do blame her for almost losing him. I've told him before that him not being here would have had a huge knock on effect. I know for a fact if anything had happened to him that I wouldn't be here. There would have been nobody to help Natsuki or Yuri. Maybe it is a little selfish of me to think of myself, considering my own needs as important isn't something I would have done a year ago. After becoming a couple though, I cherish what we have together. I have and will fight to keep it.

Taking a seat next to him around the kitchen table and resting both of my hands on top of his, as my parents sit facing him. A slight glance to the side from my father showing that he still isn't overly comfortable being in the room with what he saw at the end of the summer.

SD: “Masato, are you alright?”

SM: “You don't need to see her if you don't want to.”

S: “Whatever you decide, we are here for you.”

The look in his eyes is worse than outside, a look that I remember seeing the day of his fathers funeral. Lost. Afraid. Like he can't even think to process how rightfully angry he should be right now. Causing me to tighten my grip out of concern. As much as I'd love for his mother to give up and leave. Her words of 'At any cost' imply that she isn't going anywhere.

MC: “I'm.. yeah..I should.. speak to her.. shouldn't I..?”

SD: “That is entirely up to you.”

SM: “We can arrange it for another time. To let you think about what you want to say first.”

MC: “No.. no that's.. alright. Can we.. hold it in his office..?”

SD: “If that's where you feel most comfortable with this.”

SM: “Do you want us in there with you?”

S: “I'm not leaving your side Masato. Not now. Not ever. Anything she has to say, she will have to do it in front of me as well.”

MC: “Yeah.. please.”

We make our way into the old office, with my father staying out to open the front door once we were inside. The room looks as it always has. Undisturbed, save for the occasional dusting and airing out. All of the files, books, cabinets sit as they have been for as long as I can remember. It was never a room I spent a great deal of time in before he lost his father. Most of the detail of the room in my memory comes from the day of the funeral. The image of him looking blankly out of the window facing the rear garden being something I'll never be able to forget. It hurt to see him like that.

Being rejoined by my father, with MC's mother closing the door of the office behind her. Every part of me wants to leap in front of him and hide her from his view like before. No matter how much I disagree with this, he made the decision. This was his choice and I'm going to support it. Taking hold of his left hand in mine, linking my fingers between his and taking hold.

MCM: “I guess it would be pointless.. to start with I'm sorry.”

S: “Do you even know what you would be apologizing for?”

SD: “Sayori.”

MCM: “I.. saw your performance on Saturday. I was.. proud.. It makes me happy that you've kept singing.”

MC: “I didn't. I only joined the music club properly this year.”

MCM: “Oh.. It didn't show at all.. that song was beautiful..”

SM: “How long exactly have you been here, Hana?”

MCM: “Since last Thursday evening..”

MC: “Not exactly high up on your list of priorities then. What else is new.”

MCM: “Masato that isn't true.. You are the only reason I came here.. I just didn't know how go about.. well.. this.. Not after what I did..”

MC: “Did you go visit.. his..”

MCM: “Yes.. a few times..”

The way she is speaking, it's plagued with self doubt, anxiety and guilt. This reminds me of.. him. The independent, quick thinking and decisive side to him all come from his father. But this.. these are all traits I've seen in him over the last year. Telling him that he is anything like her ranks up near the top of things I'd never do. Feeling his hand grip tighter as he struggles internally with what to say. Taking a step forward and turning sideways to face him, placing my free hand on the back of his.

MC: “I want to ask why.. but I don't know where to start..”

SD: “There is no rush Masato. Start from the beginning.”

MC: “Every question is the same.. why..”

Why..?

Why did you leave..

Why didn't you write..

Why didn't you attend..

Why didn't you call..

Why did you abandon me..

Why are you here..?

Why..?

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see my mothers expression change. She may have tried to hide it, but when the funeral and the phone call were mentioned her face showed her anger. This is a meeting that she never wanted to happen. Even what she said before his mother joined us in the room were to try and at put off or at least delay this.

MCM: “I wish I had all the answers to that..and I'll try my best to try to give you them.. I guess the easiest one to explain first is why I'm here.. I know I haven't been there for you. I wish I could change how things have been.. But you are still my son..”

SM: “No..No. You don't get to say that..Not after what you caused.”

MCM: “Caused..? Koharu I know I messed up. I know that I should have been there both at and after the funeral..but..”

Her words seem to throw fuel on a fire, if it wasn't for my father holding her back, right now my mother would be throwing herself at his. It's rare to even see my mother slightly annoyed about something, to see her seething is something I've never experienced. The look on her face both scares and worries me. I also resent his mother for what happened, but this much? Why?

SD: “Calm down. Now isn't the ti..”

SM: “Do you have any idea.. How difficult it was to see him like that.. to be rushed into an ambulance and then wired up too all those machines.. Being forced to listen to that tone.. That long constant white noise.. helplessly watching as those treating him begin to give up.. All because of you couldn't pick up the phone..”

S: “..what..?”

SD: “Koharu.. They didn't know..”

The reason nobody mentioned anymore details about what happened is because only two people knew it. I can see it on his face that he had no idea. Clueless that during his first trip to the ICU that his heart had stopped. That he had for a moment, succeeded in his attempt. Even though it changes nothing in the here and now, without thinking I drop my hands from his and throw them around him. Tightly gripping onto the back of his shirt, forcefully enough to feel my own finger nails starting to dig in my palms through the scrunched up white fistfuls and burying my head into my favourite spot, listening contently as he returns the embrace.

To know that what I'm hearing had once stopped.

That the sound I now use to give myself strength had gone silent.

I hate it.

I hate that thought.

With every fibre of my being I hate it.

The reason my mother didn't want this meeting to happen is because she blames her for more than either of us knew. I don't know or understand how I'm meant to feel right now, am I supposed to be angry or upset that my parents kept this from me? Am I supposed to be angry at his mother now that I know fully how far she made him fall? They hadn't told me about it in the first place, leaving it up to him to be the one to tell me. The atmosphere in the room has completely changed, with nobody wanting to be the one that wants to break the silence. His mother who was to be the one answering questions looking as if she now had her own to ask. If my parents have never even told him about what had happened, then the chance of her even knowing about him even being in hospital is zero.

After her outburst, she knows that she has said something she shouldn't have. Being overwhelmed in the moment by the anger and grief from the memory of that day. Not once have I stopped to think of how the paramedics even got to him that time. She was the one who opened the door for them, she was there to find him on the floor, in the ambulance, in the hospital. All of it. It makes perfect sense as to why she is so fiercely protective of him. To why she couldn't bring herself to go to the hospital much at all back in September. To have gone through it once before, a second time would be unbearable.

SM: “We should never have let you move back in here so soon...”

SD: “But we knew you had to grieve in your own way.”

MCM: “What happened.. to my son..”

SM: “I.. said you can't.. call him that..”

MCM: “Masato.. what are they saying. Someone please tell me what you mean..”

From the moment she had opened her mouth, her anxiety had been obvious. Maybe she does legitimately want to try salvage something. What we may think of her for what she has done aside, she isn't blind. Between my mothers reaction and the fact that I'm now holding onto him as if he were to disappear forever if I dared to let go. The anxious tone shifting from nervous to fearful. Afraid to find out what had happened but at the same time needing to know. having been dumped into this situation completely uninformed of how bad things had gotten.

Feeling his left arm drop from around me, stopping in front of me. His other arm moving from my back until his fingers reach the button of his sleeve. Without a second thought, my right hand releases it's grip on the back of his shirt, grabbing hold of the now unbuttoned sleeve before it can be moved, pulling it back together out of sheer instinct to protect him. Tilting my head back enough to be able to see him. Smiling at my reaction, knowing that I would do anything to keep him from harm.

S: “You don't have to do this.”

MC: “It was going to happen sooner or later.”

S: “If you think this is for the best, I trust you.”

MC: “I know.”

Using his right hand, he moves my hand from his sleeve to the palm of his left hand. Sliding the now unhooked watch and the faded red bracelet onto my fingertips. Nodding gently at me to reconfirm that this is what he wants. Moving them to my blazer pocket so that I can place my hand back in his for reassurance. Taking a deep breath as he begins rolling back his sleeve.

I hope this is the right thing to do.


	52. Chapter Fifty Two

# Chapter 52

Even if I'm supporting his decision, I can't help but question it. Is it too soon? Right now what is his motive here? At this point does he even blame her for them anymore? He has done it once more since then, of which she played no part of. I might not like it, but I said I'd stand with him.

_Letting him make a mistake like this._

_Some partner you are._

Watching as he continues to roll his white shirt sleeve up. The faint lines being revealed with each time the shirt sleeve is folded on itself. Despite knowing of them, it still isn't something my parents are used to seeing. My father might be trying to hide any reaction to them, leaving me unable to tell if he is doing it for his sake or everyone else's. My mother seeming like she was struggling to even look at them. I know for a fact she thinks the world of him, so for her to be finding it this difficult.. It must have been as bad as what I had to see.

His mother though, the sight of the first arm being bad enough to visibly disturb her, the other sleeve being rolled up to reveal even more of the faint scars hurting every bit as much as the first. Edging her way over to him nervously as she struggles to accept what it is she is looking at. The moment his left arm turns over to reveal what was hidden under the watch that he removed first and handed to me, is the moment she breaks. Dropping to her knees and clinging onto to his legs, causing me to move to his side. Refusing to let go completely. In between ragged sobbing she is saying the same thing over and over.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Before being shown, she had already picked up that people in this room held her responsible for something that she had no idea about. Something more than just leaving, that was bad enough to cause her former best friend to react so aggressively towards her. The instant she saw the one scar that overshadows all of the others, even the recent one which still hasn't fully lost it's colour doesn't stand out as much as it. It doesn't require any explanation as to what the intent behind it was. He on the other hand doesn't know how to react to this. To have the chance to say everything he has suppressed for years, only to find the person it would be directed towards already on their knees almost begging for forgiveness.

It's not that I sympathize, but to be shown the scars of what you didn't know. I know that pain.

To feel like they are there because you failed him as well, I know that pain.

It's several minutes before the silence that follows the initial shock is broken.

MCM: “Why.. why didn't anyone tell me.. I would have..”

SM: “You would have what, Hana? Come running?”

MCM: “Yes! Of course I would have!”

SM: “Do you really think I would have allowed you anywhere near him back then?”

MCM: “He isn't your son Koharu.”

SM: “You threw away the right to call him that.”

SD: “That's enough. Both of you. This isn't getting us anywhere.”

The exchange between the two of them has put a little distance between both his mother and him. With it being the first time her eyes have looked away from his arms since they were first revealed. I don't know if it was done on purpose to draw her away from him or if my mother was doing it for the sake of her own need to vent. The mood in the room seems to change any time somebody speaks, to the point that it's difficult to keep up with. My father being the only one able to keep a level head through all of it. While he isn't keen on her presence here, he knows that first and foremost this should be about Masato.

MC: “Why weren't you there already though?

MCM: “Masato.. I.. wanted to be.. I just.. I was afraid.”

MC: “Afraid?”

MCM: “I still.. loved your father.. I didn't know how to even begin.. to try and become part of your life again..”

MC: “So you just didn't try at all then..?”

MCM: “It isn't like that.. I've regretted my actions for years.. I...”

MC: Some of us didn't have the choice of doing nothing!”

The shift in his tone takes everyone by surprise. Years of bottled up anger showing itself in a single sentence. Like with my mother before, this isn't a side to him I'm used to seeing at all and I'd like to think I've seen more of him than anyone. To try and keep him from reacting any further, I tighten my grip on his hand and arm from my position next to him. It causes him to look at me, to see me staring back at him. A silent exchange between us to calm him down before anything is said that cannot be taken back. Watching as he takes a deep breath to stop himself from going any further, waiting to hear a response.

MCM: “I should have been there for the funeral. I know that..”

MC: “Why are you here. What do you want from me.”

MCM: “I don't want anything from you.. other than that I want to be part of your life..”

MC: “To be part of my life? After you've missed half of it?”

S: “There is barely any time until we're leaving high school. Masato may not even be here for you to reconnect with. We don't know how things will be yet.”

MCM: “I know it's sudden, me coming back. I didn't have contact details.. I didn't even know if anyone still live in the area.. I meant what I said about regretting my actions. I.. wish I had never left.”

MC: “But you did... and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you.”

SD: “So this isn't anything to do with the money?”

MCM: “Of course it isn't! The two of you knew me for years, when did I ever once care about money..”

SM: “People can change. I didn't think that the Hana I knew would've walked away from her only child and her marriage, but you did.”

The sting from each of my mothers comments are easy to see. That last one forcing a break in the conversation. While she hasn't come across as confident at any stage, that last response seems to have caused some deflation in how his mother is carrying herself. Unable to argue back to what is being said and knowing she was in the wrong. As much as my parents had insisted on being present should she ever return while they are considered his legal guardians, I can't help but start to feel like it might be better if they weren't.

Remembering how she found him and being present while he was rushed to hospital has thrown my mother into an overprotective frenzy. Making any form of communication between them much harder than it needs to be. This meeting itself is difficult enough without it.

MCM: “I know that.. you all have your doubts of me being here, but I mean what I say. I want.. to reconnect..”

MC “I don't.. I..need to think. Some time.. to..”

MCM: “This is the name of where I'm staying as well as the phone number I'm currently using.. if you feel ready to talk.. call or message me any time..”

Stepping forward on his behalf to take the small sticky note containing her contact details in my right hand. It feels like all eyes in the room are waiting to see what I do with the small yellow square of paper. I know that my parents would prefer that I handed it to them. With my father choosing to hold onto it for safe keeping, I get the feeling that if given the chance my mother would destroy it. Moving myself back to the position at his side, tucking the small note into my blazer pocket. This is not our decision to make, it's his.

_What makes you think you know any better?_

A few more awkward pauses, followed by an equally awkward and nervous goodbye, with my father opening the door to the office and almost escorting his mother until the front door has closed behind her. Both of my parents try speaking to him to check how he is feeling. They know as well as I do that after a surprise like that is going to be playing heavily on his mind, shown by the fact he can't even get his thoughts straight to give the usual 'I'm fine', an answer I wouldn't have accepted in the first place.

Once my parents are happy to leave things back in my hands, they show themselves out. Leaving the two of us sat in the living room. What was supposed to be our quiet night alone, cuddled up on the sofa after ordering in from our favourite take out place. Neither one of us feeling up to eating a full meal, with myself ending up having some junk food from the cupboard. Despite my best efforts to try and convince him to have anything at all, his appetite is completely gone. Refusing to eat or drink anything, which is something that I've never seen from him before in all the years I've been by his side. I can let it slide for tonight, but I will not let him do anything that could be harmful to himself. Not again.

Several hours later and we're laying in bed together. Neither one of us really trying to fall asleep. I can't even put in to words how I feel about today. I know everything is going to be playing on his mind much more than it is mine and for different reasons. How are we supposed to even begin figuring out how to proceed when our thoughts aren't even in the same year as each other. His are likely bouncing between nine years ago and today, with mine being firmly rooted to three years ago, knowing now that there was a time when everything we have together wouldn't have come to pass. That the heartbeat I listen to every night for comfort could've stayed silent. Closing my eyes and focusing only on the sound.

The slow rhythmic and comforting pulsing giving way to the chillingly familiar mechanical beeping. Opening my eyes to see the same ICU room I had grown accustomed to being in every day at the end of the summer. Curtains pulled shut, along with dim lighting made the room feel much darker and colder than it should've been. Between where I stand and the bed in which he lays, wired up exactly how I remember it, my mother is standing with her back turned to me. Staring silently at the scene in front of her. Any and all attempts to get her attention go unnoticed. The tone of the beeping begins to change, rapidly changing from the steady tone I recognised until it became an almost deafening uninterrupted wail as all of the screens on the monitoring equipment read zero.

Blind panic taking over as my mother continues to watch on without moving, throwing myself forward towards the bed try to call for help. Unable to make it to his side as a hand grips tightly to my left wrist like a shackle from where my mother had been standing, preventing me from getting any closer. No amount of screaming, crying or pulling wildly at my arm helps me get any closer to him. Using my free hand to try and release my wrist from the almost vice like grip, turns to cry out in frustration at being kept from his side.

Only to come face to face with myself.

Looking back at me with a twisted smile on her face, a noose sitting firmly around her neck. Digging into the skin just as it had done during my attempt.

_This is what he wants._

_To be free of his burdens._

_Of you_.

Let go!

He doesn't want this anymore!

_Do you really know him as well as you think you do?_

_You would have said the same back then_.

_You know better now._

The smile on her face growing as each sentence ends, smugly narrowing her eyes more and getting louder each time she speaks.

**_Can you really even begin to understand how he feels?_ **

I'll always be there to listen to his problems..

**_Can you really be the support he needs?_ **

I'll pick him up any time he falls..

**_Can you really have faith that this relationship has a future?_ **

I will fight.. to keep it..

**_You'll fail._ **

**_Like you always do._ **

**_Like we always do._ **

**_You should just give up._ **

stop..

**_On him._ **

I won't..

**_On this charade._ **

It isn't..

**_This isn't the life you were meant for._ **

You don't get to decide that anymore!

Turning away in an angry attempt to ignore her. To find nothing. No MC, no hospital bed, no machines making that piercing noise. The room is empty, silent. The unexpected release of my arm sends me tumbling forward to the floor.

The sudden jolt opening my eyes to find myself laying exactly where I had been, lifting my head just enough to see that he is still awake and looking right at me. I don't even need to speak, his arms around me tighten their grip. After all it's been nearly a year of this, he can tell when I've had a nightmare. Knowing that rather than talk about it, I'd prefer this. Taking a few minutes to try and forget what was said to me. Wriggling around inside his arms to move further up the bed, causing him to turn onto his side to make room for me until we are laying face to face.

MC: “Feeling better?”

S: Mhmm..”

MC: “Well that was convincing.”

S: “After today, you don't need to think or worry about me so much.”

MC: “Yeah? That isn't going to happen.”

S: “I mean it. You haven't gone to sleep yet because of it. So for my sake.. please don't worry so much about me, at least put yourself first for now.”

MC: “Sayori, I can't do that.”

S: “Why can't you put yourself first.. Just this once.. for me?”

MC: “If I did it for you, I wouldn't be doing it for me, would I?”

Frustrated by his roundabout answer, tilting my head forward and softly bumping my forehead against his and making a quiet but clearly displeased growl. Causing him to smile at what can only be described as a the least energetic tantrum I've ever thrown.

S: “Stop using your logic, it's too late at night for it.”

MC: “Not if I can get more reactions like that. God I love you. Besides, there is no you or me to pick from. It always has been and going to be Us.”

Without giving me the chance to reply, he leans forward enough to keep me quiet by placing his lips on mine. Breaking away and returning to laying quietly together with forehead pressed against each other again. He can tell I'm worried about him, who wouldn't be after what happened earlier? Always going to be Us.. thinking of what he said over and over in my head and how happy it makes me to hear it. Those happy thoughts swiftly being interrupted by the things that were being said before I woke up.

Am I the support he needs?

That I'd fail, just like before.

I said it myself today. With high school ending soon and awaiting acceptance letters for places we have applied to, we aren't certain of our own futures. SO how can I be certain about our future?

S: “Masato?”

MC: “Yeah?”

S: “Do you ever.. feel like.. your own worst enemy?”

His delay in responding should be more than enough to tell me how he feels, the look on his face isn't of someone needing to think about his answer, but of one who knows that I won't like the answer that he has. I can feel his arm shift slightly to move me closer to him.

“...Everyday.”


	53. Chapter Fifty Three

# Chapter 53

“Everyday.”

I should've known that his answer would be the same as mine.

It didn't make it any easier to hear.

Our quiet night in turns into a quiet weekend. More than ever he is lost in thought, we tried things to keep his mind preoccupied. Watching a movie together, giving him space to play video games. None of his usual hobbies or escapes could hold his attention for very long.

I hate seeing him like this, seeming so lost and indecisive. With no decision being made on how he would like to proceed with any of it. Placing the note with the contact details in the hidden compartment of his desk. Making the two of us the only people who know of its whereabouts. He did suggest that we invite the others over on Monday afternoon to tell them what had happened. As if he didn't have enough to worry about while waiting to receive the letters from our chosen colleges to find out how our futures will play out.

As has become routine since his performance during the event, during lunch he is the last one to make it to the club room. I'd already informed the others that he needed to say something, but it would be down to him to tell them. Standing back and watching as he explains the events of Friday evening, only speaking when others ask me for confirmation of what he is saying. Each of their reactions as varied as their own personalities. Monika trying not to let her concern show, Yuri wanting to give words of comfort and reassurance but not being able to find the right ones for this. Natsuki however is the hardest to get a read on, probably because after months of living together she is the one I'd consider to be closest to him after myself.

M: “Whatever you decide on MC. We're all here for you.”

Y: “I don't.. think that there is any right.. or wrong answer.. But as Monika said.. You aren't alone.”

N: “I'm going to say something.. and I don't want any back talk for it. This is just.. From one person who has lost family to another.”

MC: “My head is a mess right now Nats, so I doubt what you say is going to make it any worse.”

N: “If what she is saying is true and I'm not saying it is. You are absolutely right to feel wary... But if it is true.. Don't be too quick to turn her away..”

MC: “Are you suggesting I..”

N: “I said no back talk didn't I? Shut up and listen.. please. Look..You.. You have a chance that I don't.. I'm not saying forgive or forget.. But she isn't like my dad, that's a relationship that can never be fixed. But yours could be. You have the chance to get one of them back...”

I want to argue with her.. to find fault in her logic, but I can't. Her family situation was different from his, but at the same time hers is the closest one of anyone in this room. I'm not so blinded by my loyalty to him that I can't see where she is coming from, a chance at reconnecting with family is something she doesn't have after what happened. Looking at Yuri and Monika, neither of them seem to have anything to oppose what Natsuki said either. The best being after a small silence when Monika changed the topic to the results of our college applications being due this weekend.

Knowing what is due at the end of the week seems to be making the days drag in, not just for me but for all of the seniors in their final year. Most only staying for the morning classes, choosing to go home at lunch. Others only staying in preparation to hand over club leadership to those being left behind. Monika in the end choosing not to fully disband the club, but to put it to an inactive state. In case of any new students wanting to take over after we have left and not being left without an available room. The last of our own possessions being moved one by one back to our homes.

The weekly sessions with Dr Aiza little more than a weekly update at this stage. Entering the small waiting area outside her office. A room I hadn't really spent much time in over the last year, it almost reminds me of the small waiting room at the local dentist that I used to refuse to go to unless he went with me. Noticing the sign on her door showing that somebody else was in there, I take a seat and lift out my phone to waste the next few minutes until my session is due to start. Lifting my head to the sound of a door opening, only to be disappointed that it is the one I've just entered through. Looking back down at my phone to avoid making eye contact with whoever has just came in. Big mistake.

Mi: “Not even going to acknowledge me? Talk about rude. I came here looking for you, sort of.”

S: “What do you want?”

Mi: “Many things. Right now however I'm looking for Masato.”

S: “What do you want with him now? Aren't you supposed to not be talking to us?”

Mi: “I thought I had been doing a fairly well at keeping my distance. But seriously, do you know if he has gone home already?”

S: “Even if I did, why would I tell you of all people?”

Mi: “Relax a little would you? Not everything is about you and me. We're doing hand over today of the music club to the second years and the others asked me to find him. The guys he normally performs with said calls weren't going through to his phone. So I thought I'd ask you.”

S: “He normally meets me here after. Where he goes until then, if he wasn't at the music club then I don't know.”

Mi: “Was that so hard?”

I know she hasn't actually said anything unreasonable. Even her simple question of where he is, everything about how she speaks to me gets on my nerves. I'm not going to dignify that with a response. I'm not going to bite. Not anymore. The school year is almost over and I won't have to deal with her again.

Mi: “Nervous about the results this weekend?”

S: “Not particularly...”

Mi: “It's amazing how convincing you don't sound.”

S: “Isn't everyone nervous?”

Mi: “True, but I meant if you are nervous about his.”

S: “I hadn't really thought.. about it.”

Mi: “Really? This weekend he and I both find out if we got accepted or not. If he does get it, do not even think about talking him out of it.”

S: “Why would I do that? This is a huge opportunity for him.”

Mi: “Even if it means he spends the next three years with me?”

S: “He'd.. only be in the same class as you. I'm not worried about that.”

Mi: “Just the same class? You haven't been told of the accommodation have you?”

S: “He can sort himself out. He's good at finding that sort of thing.”

Mi: He doesn't need to. The six people who get chosen stay in a dorm owned by the company sponsoring them... You really didn't know? I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he probably didn't read the paperwork fully, again.”

S: “So what if I didn't know? It wouldn't change if I think he should go or not.”

Mi: “Even if I'd be taking your place as the girl next door in his life? All while you're at home, alone in an empty bed.”

S: “If you are trying to make me worry, it's not going to work. Try as hard as you like, you'll never be a replacement for me in his life. There is no guarantee you'll both get chosen. If only one of the places go to our school, it won't be going to you.”

Mi: “I don't know what to find funnier, your new found confidence or the fact you think I can't do it if given the chance. Three years is a long time.”

S: “You could have Thirty and still never come close to what we have.”

Mi: “That sounds like a challenge to me, careful what you wish for.”

The sound of the door of the office opening preventing this conversation from escalating any further. The two of us refusing to break eye contact right away. Gradually turning to look at the now open door once the silence becomes uncomfortable to see Dr Aiza stood behind Masato, the two of them not needing to be told that we hadn't exactly been having a friendly chat after walking in and seeing the two of us glaring at each other. Leaving me feeling more than a little disappointed in myself, try as I might not to fall for her provocations, I keep doing it.

In the awkward silence of me not knowing that he was here. Seizing the moment to grab his attention before I can ask why he was here. Truthfully though I do know why he is here, the last few days his focus has been all over the place with the unexpected visit from his mother. The fact he waited two full school days to be here instead of being here first thing on Monday is what surprises me the most.

Mi: “There you are! I've been looking for everywhere for you Masato. They're doing the handover for the club today, so the pres wanted as many seniors there as possible.”

MC: “They moved it to today? Sure, I guess I can head there now.

Dr: “So you were asking Sayori if she knew where he was then? Is that all it was?”

Mi: “We also spoke about the results being sent out this weekend, but that was all.”

S: “..Yeah. Miko asked if I knew where he was and then we spoke about the results.”

Dr: “In that case, come on in Sayori.”

MC: “I'll meet you after, yeah?”

Mi: “I think the others wanted to go out after. You should come too Masato.”

MC: “I think I'll pass on that.”

Mi: “Oh come on. You've barely joined us going out after the club meetings this year. There won't be many more chances.”

MC: “But I just said I'd meet..”

S: “No it's fine. You should go. She is right, we aren't going to be in our clubs much longer.”

Mi: “See? You're coming out with the rest of us after the hand over.”

MC: “Are you sure?”

S: “I can ask one of the others to meet me.”

As much as I hate the idea of her being around him, she did have a point. Aside from his recovery period, he could have spent more time with the other members of the music club this year. While he might not struggle in social situations the way Yuri or Natsuki would around people he isn't well acquainted with. He would normally try to avoid the situations, preferring to keep smaller but closer knit company as evidenced by how often he has skipped out on these after club outings. Opting to meet up with and spend time together with just me, or with the other members of the literature club. Which I am grateful for. All the time we have spent together has been a blessing, but this is one of, if not the very last time he could go out like this before his time in the music club is at an end. Knowing him, he'll still come home early though.

A quick text to Monika before the session starts solves the going home alone issue. The session itself is an unusual one, with the topic firmly being set on his mothers reappearance on Friday. Several times she had to almost stop me, my reactions being born solely out of concern for his current well-being and much less of my own thoughts. Being so firmly fixated on supporting him and whatever choice he makes giving me an almost passive perspective on the whole thing. It is reassuring to hear from someone else that the way I handled the meeting and withholding the contact details from my mother was the right thing to do. After talking about what was said and why my mother had acted so hostile to his though. It was a reminder that up until the Friday, the only people who knew what actually happened then where my own parents. It was a little overwhelming, with this being the only chance I've had to talk about it to anyone.

While finding out physically changes nothing. To know that it was hidden from me hurts. A bitter mixture of understanding why my parents had chosen not to tell either of us and frustration that it was hidden from me at all. For what it was worth, Dr Aiza agreed with my parents decision to keep it from both of us, pointing out that I was now already aware of how difficult it had been on him to keep what he did know about it from me. To increase the weight of it could have been a disaster. It also could have had extreme negative effects on my behaviour to have been told. Likely causing me to be in an over protective frenzy that put how my mother had acted to shame and driven a wedge between us and prevented any relationship from occurring.

Dr: “Sounds like the two of you had a difficult weekend.”

S: “It wasn't the cosy, do nothing weekend we had hoped for.”

Dr: “Before you go Sayori, I want you to think about something for next week. As we don't have many sessions left until you leave.”

S: “What is it?”

Dr: “You've spoken at length about your worries of how he feels right now. I want to know how his mother coming back makes you feel. I know you are in his corner here, but you have an opinion on this. Is it possible you aren't expressing it because you don't want to say it?”

I knew that was coming. That I wouldn't get out of this room today without being asked how I feel on the matter. Despite my best efforts to disguise how anxious I've really been by taking a passive approach. No mask in the world would have been good enough to hide behind.

Shuffling slowly out of the room, to see Monika waiting for me, glancing up at me from her phone, doing a double take as the cracks begin to show on my face. She can tell straight away that something isn't right, but before she can question anything I turn around before fully passing through the door frame.

Dr: “You don't need to answer now.”

S: “....ared..”

M: “Sayori...?”

S: “I'm scared.. Scared that everything will repeat itself.. That..he'll isolate himself again..That it'll happen again..”

Two arms from behind me turning me on the spot, palms being placed on each of my cheeks as her thumbs brush under my eyes in the same way that he would have done for me. Despite how gently the hands are resting on me, I can't move my head to try and hide by burying it into someone's shoulder like I normally would. My gaze being held in place, being made to stare into two deeply calming and reassuring green emeralds. Silently reminding me that things are not how they were back then as my composure slowly returns.

I'm not that same clueless child that used to be.

He's not the silent shut away that he used to be

Surrounded by those who are aware of how things used to be. Neither of us are alone in this anymore.

What happened before, Will not be allowed to happen again.


	54. Chapter Fifty Four

# Chapter 54

After what happened when I left Dr Aiza's office, Monika has refused to leave my side. Once arriving back at the house, I spend the first while opening up and telling her of everything that was said between Miko and myself. My fear of everything repeating itself if he were to try to connect with his mother only for her to leave again. At the same time I can't tell him not to try at all, Natsuki was right in saying that he has the chance to fix a relationship.

It's comforting to finally be able to speak my mind openly after having spent the last several days trying to avoid the topic of her return while spending time with MC. As much as I wanted to try and speak to him about it, it was clear he wasn't ready for it. Gradually though, the conversation shifted back to Miko, the pending results and the future. A topic that much like him, I've been trying to hide from.

M: “Have you thought about what the two of you will do if he goes?”

S: “Honestly.. No.”

M: “Sayori you can't keep putting this off, the results will be here in a few days time.”

S: “I know.. I know.”

M: “He hasn't spoken about it either, has he?”

S: “This weekend he didn't really say much of anything.”

M: “Understandable given the surprise visit. So neither one of you has brought up if you're going to try long distance or not?”

S: “I.. uh..”

M: “Not once? So right now neither of you know where you stand.”

S: “What other choices are there other than long distance.. Take a break? Give up?”

M: “I'm not saying you should do either of those, but three years is a long time to be apart.”

S: “But.. What if he meets someone else while away..?

M: “Which is exactly why you need to find out where both of you stand on this. I can't believe you have been putting this off until you got the results.”

Talk to find out how we would proceed with our entire relationship.. A topic that I'll admit to being the one who wrongly sought to avoid it out of the two of us. For the first time in years, I've been content with what we have. Causing me to bury my head in the sand instead of dealing with how our world is potentially about be turned upside down.

_If he were to find someone else, are you really going to stand in the way again?_

_Like you did to Yuri?_

_You know what you should do._

Ignore it, delay it, neither being a viable option anymore, Monika is right in saying that we are out of time. We had been putting it off. Trying to ignore the fact that by the end of the week we find out if he is going to be studying half way across the country or not. As if we didn't have enough to think about right now.

I get a few text messages from him, asking if I'd eaten and if Monika and I wanted to get something to eat without him or wait for him. Opting to both wait for him to have a main meal, trying not to fill up on snacks while finding absolutely nothing to watch while we wait. The final text was around 7.45, saying that he would be on his way home soon. Walking as part of a group of people who live relatively nearby to us.

It's a little after 9pm before Monika and I sit up from the two of us slouching on the sofa to the sound of his keys in the front door and unlocking it. I knew that he wouldn't be out too late, but even being home at this time he was out for longer than I thought he would be. Making my way to the door and opening it slowly to see what was taking so long. To see him leaning against the wall of the house next to the door that connected to the small porch, speaking to other members of the club that I'm mostly unfamiliar with, aside from recognising some faces quicker than others as none of them are in uniform, with the exception of one face that was all too familiar.

Mi: “So this is why you wouldn't join us for pizza then MC? Having to feed the next door neighbour too?”

MC: “Yeah, I kinda asked them to wait for me so we could order food.”

Mi: “Them?”

A puzzled look appearing on some of the faces of the other music club members faces the moment they notice that I'm standing in the now open doorway, with Monika just behind me. A quick glance around at the group of people, I think the thing that is surprising them the most is that I was already in his house. Momentarily forgetting that not many people outside of the literature club, aside from Miko know that we are living together. If it hadn't been for Dr Aiza's recommendation, the school would have never allowed it. A fact that Miko had just been very quick to try to use in front of a crowd of people who at least know of MC and I being together. Time to play along I guess.

S: “I let us in to look at the menus, to try and decide what to order, I hope you don't mind.”

MC: “Not at all.”

M: “Didn't do much good, we couldn't even agree on what type.”

Mi: “Visiting a guys house late during the week Moni? That's not like you.”

M: “Right, because you know me so well”

Mi: “I'm just saying, you wouldn't want people getting the wrong..”

M: “The wrong idea? Our time in high school is pretty much over, let people think what they want. we aren't going to see most of them again. Besides, I'm sure you of all people would agree that there's definitely worse people to have rumours spread about the two of you, right?”

I don't really know who's expression I want to appreciate the most right. Miko's.. lets call it an attempt to keep a smile on her face due to how many people are with her as she glares at Monika, or the almost smug expression Monika has after not so subtly dig about the rumours about the two of them after she caught him in hall a few months back by grabbing onto his then fresh wound. Thankfully some of the group pick up on the tension between Monika and Miko, talking about anything that had happened during their time out, aside from them going to karaoke, it sounds like they spent their day the same way MC and I used during middle school, arcades, food. It isn't until one of the members from the year below mentions MC that I take in what is actually being said.

“Hey, what was that acoustic song you sang to when we were out MC?”

MC: “Eh.. which one, the first or second one? Or do you mean the duet Jay and I did?”

“The second one, the one when the group from the school news blog showed up.”

MC: “Oh that one. That's called 'I'd Rather See Your Star Explode.', Why do you ask?”

“They wanted to know for the piece they were doing on the club. They wanted to upload some videos featuring the seniors that are leaving.”

MC: “..They were recording? I thought they were only there to speak to people.”

“Yeah, they got permission from the former club pres before he stepped down, to get some outside of school footage of people letting there hair down a bit.”

Mi: “Don't be so modest Masato. They'll upload what they recorded today in the post going up tomorrow.”

“It looks like it's up already. They've put them all together into one video.”

I can't say I've heard of the song he mentioned, with his taste in music being so different from mine. Acoustic versions of things he would listen to aren't normally the things you find in any of my playlists. The exception being if I hear them by chance as he listens to them and add them myself, which for someone who rarely listens to music without headphones is difficult to do. So I am a little curious of the video that shows him, as singing at home isn't something he really does much of except for when he thinks he's alone.

After far too much drawn out small talk the group moves on, leaving the three of us in peace to finally be able to decide on what food to order. Finishing the meal, I can't help but feel anxious. As much as I love having Monika around, the reason she is here tonight is to force the issue that both he and I had been putting off. Sat around the kitchen island, each with an extra milkshake we had ordered for a makeshift dessert. While MC hasn't picked up on how nervous I am, Monika has. Watching as one hand restlessly moves on the other as I hold my shake.

M: “There is no subtle way to try and bring this up. I know you have both been avoiding it.”

MC: “Avoiding.. what?”

S: “She means talking about us Masato.”

M: “Firstly wipe that worried look from your faces. There is nothing wrong with your relationship, but you haven't spoken about what you'll do if you do get that placement Masato.”

MC: “Oh.. Yeah.. I guess we have been putting that off.”

S: “Leaving it until we had the results.. Not exactly our best decision ever.”

MC: “Yeah.. I guess it wasn't.”

M: “No it wasn't. I know Sayori has been feeling anxious about this recently, but what do you want MC?”

MC: “I'd be fine doing things long distance. Coming home as often as I can.”

S: “But what if you met someone while there.. I'd only be getting in your way again..”

MC: “Again? You've never gotten in the way of anything Sayori.”

S: “That's not true.. You..”

M: “Sayori. Calm down. That's a topic for another time, right now we focus on what is ahead.”

MC: “I wouldn't meet anyone there, because I wouldn't be looking.”

M: “She's afraid Masato. You don't always need to be looking for someone when you find them.”

MC: “But I have you Sayori. Which is why nothing would happen. Like you, this is what I want. You are the one I want to be with.”

S: “You'd be gone for three years.. are you sure..?

M: “What do you want Sayori, not for the sake of someone else. You. What does Sayori for herself.”

Nervously lifting up my shake to take a drink, raising the index finger from my right hand off of the cup and pointing it at him to try and wordlessly express what I want my future to be. I know Monika is doing this for the sake of both of us. Her approach feels quite aggressive in trying to keep us on topic. She knows that I feel like I prevented anything from happening between him and Yuri by interrupting them on the Sunday before the festival and confessing to him. Despite being told, even by Masato himself that nothing had happened that day between them like that.

That what happened on that day was he found out about the extent of her self harming and in an attempt to calm her down, revealed his own scars to show that he knew what it felt like to hide from others.

No matter how many times I remind myself of this, it is the one thing that the nagging doubt in my head will not let go of. The moment it always comes back to in my head ever since I overheard them together in that empty classroom. After how our year together has been, I'd like to think that I'm slightly more confident about myself than I had been. Waking up with someone who always calls you beautiful, regardless of bedhead or anything else providing a huge morale boost. Despite all of this though, the thought that she can understand him on a level that I never could will not go away. That agonizing voice in my head that can turn clear skies to thunderstorms. Monika is doing anything she can to prevent that voice from being allowed to be part of this conversation.

M: “If that is what you want Sayori, say it.”

S: “I want.. to stay.. as us.. whatever the distance..”

M: “You both want the same thing. To stay in this relationship and to find a way to make it work, should it come to that. Again this is all based on if you even do go at all Masato.”

MC: “I had thought of not going even if I do get offered but I don't..”

S: “Don't you dare. You are not throwing away a chance like this.”

MC: “...think that would go down well.”

S: “You taking this and then getting a job after, would be..”

MC: “I know I know it would be a huge deal for us.. and with this house already being paid off and in my name.. We'd practically be able to start..”

Catching on to what he is about to say, he silences himself the same way I did by taking a drink of what little remained of his shake while going slightly red in the face. Nobody in the room needs that sentence to be finished to know where it was going. To actually stop for a moment and think about it is another thing entirely and was something I hadn't brought myself to think about just yet. After spending years of painfully wanting what we have now, deep down I'm afraid to want more. Still waking up some mornings doubting that I actually deserve the relationship we have.

As for Monika who was trying to make sure everyone was on the same page, the last thing he said also catching her completely off guard. Nobody had expected the conversation to go beyond the three years at college. The rest of the evening is spent mostly in an awkward silence, neither MC or I wanting to continue from what he said just yet and Monika knowing that it was a topic to be raised when she wasn't here. From the very moment he cut himself off, it's all I've been able to think about. It isn't the first time he's said something along those lines either.

Silently changing for bed shortly after midnight and climbing to our normal positions under the covers. Resting my arm on top of his as we both settle down for the night. I can almost physically feel his anxiety brought on by what he said. Turning myself in his arms to be face to face with him and taking hold of his shirt to make sure he doesn't turn away. Waiting until he finally makes eye contact with me.

S: “Did you mean what you said earlier..?”

MC: “I didn't say it.”

S: “Masato.”

MC: “Of course I meant it, but I didn't want to seem like I was getting ahead of myself. We're talking three or more years from now.”

S: “Why do you think you would be getting ahead of yourself?”

MC: “We've only been a couple since last April.”

S: “I know, but what's so wrong about about you wanting to plan for the future? Some people like to try and plan out everything, money, jobs, family.”

MC: “Planning and wishing are two very different things.”

S: “Which were you doing?”

MC: “Sayori thats..”

S: “How about this. Tell me some of the things you've thought about and say which are plans and which are wishes.”

MC: “You're really not gonna let this go are you?”

Shaking my head as we stay laying down, ruffling my own hair against the pillow. He falls silent after I confirm that I wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon due to the curiosity in his what his responses are going to be, given that this is our first real talk about our future outside of talking about places we'd like to visit. Finally he gives in with a long drawn out sigh.

MC: “I already said about the house being paid off, so there is no worrying about finding or renting anywhere. So that one counts as a plan?

Getting a placement and spending three years away studying, that one is wish since there is no guarantee it'll even happen.

Put money aside and get a sensible car. Plan.

Start a family after getting a job I feel I could be in long term. Wish? Plan? It's hard to say as that is a choice not solely down to me.”

S: “What about stuff like, How big a family? Or who with?”

MC: “I don't know. Again that wouldn't be down to just me, but if I have to give numbers, two? Maybe I'm a little biased from being an only child. As for who with... planned, wished, dreamed, hoped, all of the above? I don't know which, but.. anytime I thought of it, it was always you..”

S: “..I'd like that..”

Leaning forward to press my forehead against his while hiding my smile with the edge of the covers, knowing that I've just said something that I can't take back. Listening as he had listed off each thing that he thought about, I found myself agreeing with all of them. Having dreamed of many things over the years, from being together with him right up until picturing what kind of things I'd like to have on my wedding day. Not once did I ever stop to consider the possibility of having to talk about this.

Making plans for our lives beyond high school was alien enough of a topic not long ago, to shift beyond having just picked a college..

It's both exciting and terrifying.


	55. Chapter Fifty Five

# Chapter 55

Since our talk about the future on the Tuesday night, he has been a little more open in terms of talking about things we would like to plan to do. From how he would make sure that he will come home every Christmas, as well as try to arrange something for around my birthday so he can visit as well. These are not the only things on his mind though. Both later than night and the two following evenings I woke to find him looking at the piece of paper containing the telephone and extension number for where his mother is staying. Long enough to have easily memorized the chain of numbers. The inability to decide on how to even approach contacting her showing in the smile he puts on that is meant to reassure me that he is okay, but it doesn't. Not when dealing with this. His bad habit of trying to shoulder the weight of his problems alone instead of asking those around him for help has been the most difficult to convince him to quit.

Much like what we had being doing with talking about our future until Monika rightfully forced the issue into the open, it is likely that he's putting off acting until he has the results. If her intention really is to try and rebuild a relationship with him, she couldn't have picked a worse time to try to do it.

With it now being Saturday morning, our results are due to be arriving today. All five of us agreed to opt for receiving the results by post and then meet up at our place to open them together. Waking up as he starts to move out from under me. My natural reaction to this causing me to clamp on tightly and prevent him from moving just yet.

S: “..mmmm no.”

MC: “No?”

S: “Five more minutes.”

MC: “You don't need to get up as well.”

S: “I meant you. You stay five more minutes.”

MC: “Must I?”

S: “Mmhmm”

MC: “Five minutes and then I'm getting into the shower. Is that good enough your majesty?”

S: “Yes, that is acceptable.”

Hearing him laugh slightly at my less than regal morning tone combined with unnecessary amounts of hand waving as he settles down on his back again is the sign of my victory that was entirely guaranteed. This has almost become routine at the weekends whenever he tries to get out of bed first. Five minutes easily became closer to fifteen, while I like to think that I'm much better at waking up in the mornings than I used to be, my reason for wanting to stay in bed is very different. No longer waking up with zero motivation to do anything. This time a year ago the only thing I would have been motivated to do is click my tongue in frustration that I woke up at all. Knowing where I am now compared to back then, it makes me too happy to be able to fall back to sleep. I'm too busy being content with what I have.

Climbing out of bed a couple of minutes after hearing the running water stop to find him with a towel wrapped around his waist, leaning in closely at a small cleared patch of the mostly steamed up mirror, moving the hair above the temple on the left side of his face. Clearly not happy with what he is looking at but doing his best not to show it as he knows I'm there. I stand leaning against the inside of the door, silently looking on as he continues to move his finger tips in that one specific spot. I know exactly what he is looking at. The one on his side may have been the most serious, but it wasn't the only place that needed stitches that day. He knows that I'm not waiting for him to leave, if anything I'm preventing it. I'm waiting to see if he'll voice his concerns without me having to ask. Something that he did say he would try and work on after what was spoken about earlier in the week in a follow up to Tuesdays topic. Letting out a long drawn out sigh, it seems to have finally clicked with him why I haven't spoken.

MC: “I don't think I can have my hair too short at the sides anymore.”

S: “Why is that?

MC: “You'd be able to see it”

S: “Since when did you worry about your hair so much?”

MC: “You never know, short sides and combed back hair seems pretty popular these days.”

S: “Don't ever comb your hair back. I told you before it makes you look ridiculous.”

MC: “Wow, now aren't those some fine words of support.”

S: “Stop trying to turn this around on me to make me feel bad. You know I like your hair how it is, you look more.. mature.”

MC: “So now I look old do I?”

S: “...Masato.”

MC: “Yes?”

S: “No.”

MC: “Too early..?”

Instead of confirming to him that it is most definitely too early in the morning for me to be play arguing, I push myself forward, leaving my position against the door. Almost skipping across the bathroom with the extra momentum gained from the push until I'm right in front of him. Placing a hand on each side of his head and running my fingers into the sides of his still slightly damp hair and gripping firmly, pulling him down to me and into a kiss that he was not ready for at all. Stopping before he could reposition himself to continue.

S: “I told you, I like your long hair. It's.. useful.”

MC: “Is that right?”

S: “So you know what I'm going to do?”

MC: “Do tell.”

S: “I'm going to have a shower, so get out.”

MC: “..what.”

S: “You heard.”

MC: “Oh come on, you can't just do something like that and..”

S: “Out.”

MC: “Fine.”

After finishing in the shower in an attempt to finish waking up, I make my way downstairs both MC and Natsuki in the kitchen just as she finishes plating up breakfast. Looking around the table it doesn't look like anyone slept much at all last night, the anticipation preventing anyone from settling down properly. I know that each and every time that I woke up, he was already awake and refused to let me know if he had even been to sleep at all. Instead he would make sure I fell back to sleep by doing simple things like brushing his fingers through my hair and letting me hold his other hand. For the most part it meant he was sitting up against the headboard with both sets of pillows stacked behind him. At least that way I knew he couldn't sit at his desk like he had done each previous night.

Slowly I work my way through the unusual mix of breakfast muffins and onigiri made from left over rice and chicken that Natsuki had prepared for us, a reminder that with everything else going on we had forgotten to do a proper food shop. Not that I'm complaining, my co-ordination first thing in the morning is almost non-existent, so having something I don't need chopsticks for makes it much easier. Finishing the food and clearing any dishes in the sink. Wasting time until the others to get here with their envelopes. It was difficult not to tear open his results the moment they arrived, instead setting ours in three piles on the table after retrieving mine from my parents. MC suggested inviting my parents over as well, but their response was this was a once in a lifetime moment for our group, but we had to let them know the results straight after.

Not even a full hour after our results were delivered, Monika and Yuri arrive together. Both anxiously clutching on the strap of their bags. Gathering around the kitchen table and making sure everyone has a drink before we sit down and sit at the envelopes sat in front of us.

M: “So... who wants to go first?”

N: “How about all at once?”

With nobody offering to be the one that goes first, we opt for Natsuki's suggestion of each opening at the same time. The sound of envelopes being nervously torn open filling the room for a few seconds until we are sat with the folded letters in front of us. Slowly opening the page while looking at each other. You can hear everyone around the table collectively inhaling slowly and holding it in. Kind of appropriate seeing as it does feel like we are all taking a plunge. I feel almost afraid to look down at the response, but there is no escaping it at this stage. That future he and I spoke about earlier in the week begins here. Starting from my now viewpoint of the ceiling, slowly tilting my head forward until my eyes hit the top of the page. Skipping all the headers and address until the start of the first paragraph is in view.

On behalf of Tsuru University I am pleased to congratulate you on your acceptance into our program for...

S: “I got in!”

N: “I got in too! To both my choices!”

M: “Me too! I got accepted by my first and second choices.”

Y: “I got into my first choice, my other hadn't arrived yet but I guess it doesn't matter now.

MC: “I got accepted into the local I applied to.”

There is a bit of an awkward pause as eyes shift round to him. While it's great he got accepted into the local college he had applied to, that isn't the result we are all waiting to hear about. The room is dead silent as he sets the first letter down and begins to take the second out of its envelope. Holding the folded letter in his hand with as much hesitation we all did with the first one. Taking a deep breath and holding it for the second time as he unfolds the page. Watching his eyes scan over the page as he says nothing is almost unbearable. I don't think I'm alone in wanting to rip that letter from his hands and find out, seeing as we are all now leaning forward on the table.

MC: “I.. got accepted..”

The silence being broken as people, myself included, jump to our feet to celebrate. The initial rush of adrenaline as we all mindlessly group hug for a while before going back and re-reading our response letters. Once calmed down enough, the group moves to my parents house to let them know what MC, Natsuki's and my own results. Which seems to send my mother into a parental frenzy. Talking about all the thing he would need for his time away and how we would all need new clothes due to not using a uniform anymore, followed by a list that just seemed to keep going until my father intervened to calm her down. With each household item my mother listed he would need for moving away, I could feel a knot tightening in my stomach as it became more real.

He's going away.

He's going to be almost a full days travel away.

Feeling a gentle tug on my sleeve, turning to see Monika standing quite close to me. She had seen right through the front that was up after being there on Tuesday.

M: “You alright?”

S: “Yeah.”

M: “You sure?”

S: “I'll be fine, we talked about this.”

Taking a step back to tune back into the conversation going on in the room, I'm not convinced she believed me. Although I can't really blame her for that, after all the knot in my stomach has only gotten worse. I know that him taking this and being away is the right thing in the long term for us. I said it myself, but to be separated by such a distance after being next to each other our whole lives. Especially after entering into a relationship almost a year ago, something that I had been wanting but didn't believe myself deserving of since I was fourteen years old. Even though we both agreed that we would stay together and do things long distance, to go from sleeping in the same bed next to one another to not even being in the same region of the country. Going to sleep alone is going to take getting used to, as the last couple of times I had to sleep without him I barely slept at all. At least I'll still be able to see Natsuki at home and meet up with Monika and Yuri after classes.

As we leave my parents house, Yuri and Monika headed home to let their parents know their results with the intention of coming back afterwards to celebrate properly. Being accepted into a culinary college seems to have gotten Natsuki fired up. Masato having offered to buy her baking trays and moulds for the house so she could practice at home using the money that was no longer going to his mother to congratulate her on the acceptance. The two of them were huddled around a tablet in the kitchen while filling up an online shopping basket as they pre heat the oven for some celebratory cupcakes. I leave the two of them be and head upstairs, turning his PC on to use to kill some time. I can't help but turn in the chair as I sit to face the bed instead of the desk, my mind going back to what I was thinking about next door.

_You struggled to go a matter of weeks before._

_Do you really believe you'll be able to spend the next three years alone in here?_

_I know you can't._

_You know you can't._

_Not anymore._

_You've had something that was never meant to be yours._

_And now you can't let go._

No..

I should be happy. This is what we planned for together.

I should..

Staring blankly at the hastily fixed bed covers, the moment I blink, a tear runs down my left cheek. Not accompanied by my normal outburst, I cannot allow myself to cry. Not now. Both hands resting just above my knees, gripping tightly as I fight to prevent this from continuing. The sound of the door opening making my eyes shoot open again, staying seated facing the bed as I glance at the now open door to see Monika looking back at me, who had clearly rushed to get back here. She sees the line down my cheek before anything else, my own fault for not having wiped it clear. I don't even get the chance to claim that I'm fine as I had done next door. Without saying a word Monika moves until she is stood in front of the chair, standing so that I can't use my legs to turn the chair away from her. Her hands gently pulling my head forward and into her jumper.

M: “I know your happy for him. I know that the thought of being apart hurts too. You're up here because if he saw you like this, it would make him reconsider accepting his place in Osaka. But for your own sake please do not bottle this up. I won't say a word Sayori, I promise. So while it's only the two of us here.. Just let it out. Please.”

She could tell from the moment we told my parents that I was trying to hide it. Wrapping my arms around her back, both hands taking fistfuls of her jumper. Keeping my face buried to prevent anyone else in the house from hearing, I let out the worries and fears that had been slowly building.


	56. Chapter Fifty Six

# Chapter 56

I don't know if it's because for months I wasn't having to wear a mask to hide how I feel, or just that she had become more aware of the fact I used to do it. Monika read me like a book. She spent the next twenty minutes listening as I unloaded every thought and worry I had about him leaving. Knowing what is the best course of action is one thing, being able to cope with it is another. While he may have grown a bit cold and distant after his father's funeral, he was always still there. Just one house away, always within reach. Where he has been for as long as I can remember.

Coming to terms with the fact that was about to change was more difficult than I was expecting, Monika trying to help me through it by making sense of things each time I apologised, repeating that I know it's stupid to get upset when it's obvious to all that this is the right thing to do. In Monikas own words, it wasn't that I was upset solely because my partner wouldn't be next to me, it was more than that. Due to how much of my life he has been apart of, he's so much more than just my partner.

S: “Sorry.. about your jumper..”

M: “I told you to stop apologising Sayori.”

S: “Sor..”

M: “Don't you dare say it again, my jumper is fine. You can barely see it so it'll dry before anyone notices.”

S: “Thank you for listening.”

M: “Anytime. Besides, I should be the one saying thank you for not wearing mascara right now, or you and I would be having a very different talk about my jumper.”

Rejoining the others downstairs after taking enough time to regain my composure. One trip to the store for extra snacks quickly turned things from a celebration between friends about college acceptance into A movie night. A suggestion by Monika which would serve as a much needed distraction, at least for tonight. What little time spent in the store being our usual thing of each of us separating to buy our own things since catering for five different people who all have different tastes is something we've learned just isn't possible. Standing in the queue just behind Yuri, looking around to see Natsuki and MC stood side by side while picking things out. While I'd never say this to either of them, from a distance the way they behave makes it look like siblings. Once home, Spending the rest of the evening seemingly attached to his side to help make more room on the sofa for the others.

Within the final five minutes of the movie, I began suffering from what he had playfully dubbed Sayori Syndrome over the years. Which involves me running out of my own snacks during whatever we would be doing, followed by me then starting to eat his. Slowly edging my hand into the bag resting between us, carefully lifting a single piece from the bag before quietly popping it into my mouth without him noticing. Biting down onto the chocolate though I realized my mistake of not reading at the bag first.

Dark chocolate, Coconut and Mint. Three things that individually I don't particularly mind, but when mixed together I can't stand them. The bag they come in looks identical to the normal raspberry version of this sweet that I know for a fact he prefers over the coconut version. With the only light source in the room coming from the TV, I wasn't able to notice the difference in colour of the bag. Without a drink, napkin or empty wrapper nearby to get rid of the slowly melting mouthful of unpleasantness. I can only think to go to the last resort. Tapping gently on his chest and silently gesturing that I wanted a kiss, something I would normally not do while we have company. I can only hope that he can doesn't over react to what I'm about to do as he slowly leans down to meet me. Stopping just before contact and moving back to his original position. Not moving his eyes from mine as he sees the exact moment my eyes change from my attempt at a seductive look to someone who is internally screaming. Smiling as he turned around briefly so that he could hand me his drink, using it to mask the taste so that I could finish I. Before I could thank him he leaned back down and began whispering in my ear.

MC: “Nice try.”

S: “Why did you buy those ones..”

MC: “I like them?”

S: “But you prefer the raspberry ones..”

MC: “Why is this my fault? They were meant to be for me.”

S: “You bought them on purpose. Knowing I hate those ones.”

MC: “And you were about to so kindly share it with me if I hadn't noticed the mint.”

S: “You say that like it's a bad thing.”

MC: “I could have let you finish it without a drink.”

S: “Yeah but you aren't mean to me like that anymore.”

M: “Have to agree there, you are much more .. I want to say serious? Compared to when you first joined the club.”

Y: “You're also less sarcastic, with the excep...”

N: “No he damn well isn't.”

Y: “..tion of Natsuki.”

MC: “Huh.. I hadn't noticed.”

N: “Don't let them fool you. You're still an ass.”

After the movie, we let some trailers run one after the other in the hopes of one sparking interest to find our next viewing for the evening. With nothing jumping out after the first few, we start reminiscing about our last three years spent in high school. It was interesting to see how things went for each of the others in the two years before Monika formed the literature club. Hearing how Natsuki has previously looked into the cooking club, but never joined after finding that they spent most of their time cooking simple savoury dishes. In her own words, it's members were comfortable in not challenging themselves. Happy making common household dishes.

How Yuri used to spend a lot of time in a library during breaks until people started trying to talk to her after they had gotten used to her always being there. It did sound like whoever it was simply had a crush on her, which is hardly surprising. I'd heard the name Yuri being used in fairly jealous bitchy girl talk in class as early as our first year. I always thought it was a little funny, quite sad and also slightly ironic that the girls complaining with their almost regimented make up routine, getting made to be so bitter by a girl who didn't wear any at all. So due to interest from others, her social anxiety forced her out of the one place she actually wanted to be in.

Monika seemed to have lived a fairly different life compared to the rest of us for the first two years. Multiple clubs in her first year at the same time. Slowly dialling it back over time. The only thing she seemed to be missing from her list was student council activity, not wanting to deal with the responsibilities of what she called an unnecessary authority. While she might not be ever admit it, nor would any of us want to be the ones to say it to her, she knows full well that due to her popularity with the other students she unofficially had that authority the whole time.

It felt like the others were left a bit disappointed when MC didn't really open up about his first two years. I tried my best to learn his schedule during that time to try and see him as often as I could just so I knew he was alright.

MC: “I don't know what you guys want me to say. I didn't do anything.”

M: “Weren't you briefly in the Music Club in first year?”

MC: “Yeah, briefly. We're talking a matter of weeks at most, then I switched to the going home club.”

N: “So you just went home. Every day. To watch anime, read manga or play video games.”

MC: “Yeah?”

S: “Except for Thursdays.”

MC: “Thursday.. was therapy day, followed by going home before clubs got out so I didn't have to talk to anyone. Can't leave a negative impression on people if they don't know you are there.”

Y: “I wish it was that easy.”

M: “Thinking back, anyone wish they had done anything different?”

N: “Yep.”

S: “I want to say yes, but I don't know what?”

MC: “Maybe.”

Y: “No.”

M: “only one definite No? Going to have to ask why Yuri.”

Y: “Umm.. maybe I'm thinking too much into it..”

N: “Probably, but you can't leave it at that. Why no?”

Y: “Well.. if things were done differently, it would change how things ended up being.. and I wouldn't want to not have what we had this year.”

M: “You're talking about what people call the butterfly effect, right?

Y: “I suppose it's best to call it that than spend the next fifteen minutes talking about time travel theories.”

MC: “Natsuki, while I'm away at some stage you have to get Yuri to play through Until Dawn.”

N: “As long as I don't have to be there..”

While I'm away.

That hurt to hear, much more than I expected it to. A sudden tightness in my chest, followed by an invisible weight pressing down on my shoulders. Comparable to how I felt when he first joined the club and he was spending time with the others. It was exactly what in my head I wanted him to do, but my heart disagreed and it was not afraid to let me know.

A simple comment that has me tucking myself down to hide my face. I can't even bring myself to look up to see if anyone has noticed. I'm left sitting quietly as he and Natsuki explain what the game was they mentioned to Yuri, it sounds like everything she could ever want rolled into one video game. I swear I could see a look of excitement on her face when she was told Yes, depending on your choices you can get all of the trope based American high school characters killed. Like it would be her way of dealing with those who bullied her over the last three years. It definitely got better after people saw her with Monika though.

Getting changed for bed later that evening, waiting on him coming back to the room after bringing spare futons to Natsuki's room for Yuri and Monika. Sitting on his computer desk chair with my night top sitting on my arms, waiting on being pulled over my head. Lost in thought about how things are going to be in just over a months time. Not evening noticing him come back into the room until his hands are on my shoulders, his thumbs gently pinching from behind and moving slowly in circles. One of those moments where you can feel that invisible weight on your shoulders being lifted off, relaxing me enough that the top I had my arms in had slid off and landed on my feet.

MC: “You looked like you needed this.”

S: “I do need this.”

MC: “So I see.”

S: “No I mean all the time. You aren't allowed to stop.”

MC: “Your worried about when I'm going to be away, aren't you?”

S: “Did Monika tell you?”

MC: “No? She didn't mention anything. It's just that I am as well, it's going to take a lot to get used to.”

S: “What do you mean?”

MC: “You know, us actually being apart. Even when I was shut away in here and not talking to anyone, I always knew you were when I needed you. Mostly because you kept using the key your parents had to let yourself in and eat my food.”

S: “I think you'll find I was letting myself to check on you. My parents always thought it would seem less invasive if it was me. Don't blame me that you used to spend your food money almost all on snacks and instant food.. I had to check them too.”

There is a small pause in our conversation, as he continues to move his hands on my shoulders, switching from moving his thumbs in circles to running them up and then down the back of my neck. I really do need to make him to do this more often while I have the chance. It's reassuring that he feels the same after getting the results today, but also slightly worrying. Having seen him at his weakest over the last year, this is definitely an issue I need to push.

S: “Not having you somewhere that I can always get to you, the thought of it is kinda scary. It isn't something I've ever known.”

MC: “I could always take the place for the other course.”

S: “Absolutely not. I cannot allow you pass up a chance as great as this, we said so before. This is for us, long term.. right?”

MC: “I know.. At least I know you won't be alone. Natsuki will still be here, Yuri and Monika seem to be planning on staying at home with their parents too. By how the letter read, I don't get to meet my future housemates until we're at the train station getting ready to leave.”

S: “Finger crossed they turn out to be nice people and.. you know..”

MC: “and not Miko Aiza?”

S: “I was just going to say not all girls, but that works too.”

MC: “Speaking of things for long term.. I was planning on calling my mother tomorrow to arrange a time to meet up.”

S: “Do you want me to go with you? I promise not to butt in or get defensive, I'll let you do all the talking.”

MC: “Yeah, I'd like you to be there. Reading the results today kind of put it what Natsuki said in perspective for me.”

S: “About how you have the chance at something she doesn't?”

MC: “Yeah, but.. with me going away and studying and all.. It's going to be more me saying, I'd like to try, but not yet, not a good time. Gives me more time to prepare for it, how things happened was a little too sudden.”

S: “No kidding, I was really looking forward to that quiet night in too.”

MC: “When did you become the sarcastic one?”

S: “Is it sarcasm if I actually mean it?”

MC: “So what do you think? Would I be doing the right thing?”

S: “I don't know if I can give you an answer to that. Do I think Natsuki has a point about repairing the relationship? Yeah. Would I understand if you chose to never speak to your mother again? Yes I would. Do I see your point that now is an awful time for you to try? Of course I do. Maybe I'm taking the easy way out when I say this, but I'll support whatever you decide.”

MC: “I suppose I should let your parents know what I plan to do. I'll speak to them tomorrow as well. I get the feeling it's going to be easier to explain the reasoning to your dad though.”

S: “She is just a little.. over protective of you. I think seeing you in hospital that time terrified her so much that she refuses to want to let go of her role as guardian, even if that does come to an end soon.”

It isn't hard to understand why he doesn't want a repeat of the last meeting. I'd support him with whatever he wanted to decide to do, but I find myself relieved that he is thinking of going down the I'm not ready yet route with this. Neither he or myself need more to worry about over the next three years. We have enough of that already, although I admit I still want him to get some answers before leaving for Osaka.

It is difficult to even think about what kind of answers she could even give as to why she left. Would he accept the answer? Would I accept it? Forgive and forget are two very different things and I don't see the latter ever happening. Nor do I feel like anyone is currently in the right state of mind to do the former.

Least of all me.

I keep saying that I'll support his choice in this no matter what, but that doesn't mean I agree with it. That isn't something I can do while part of me feels that he would have been better off had she not appeared at all.


	57. Chapter Fifty Seven

# Chapter 57

Staring into the part of the steamed up mirror that has been wiped clear, adjusting the bow in my hair. I may take more time and care of my appearance these days, but I haven't taken this much care since before Christmas. Knowing that the two of us are going to meet his mother without my parents. I have a strange anxious feeling about this, I'm well aware that she already knows who I am and what I am to him after seeing us together before the first meeting, but this feels different, like we are properly introducing ourselves as a couple for the first time. With everything else that has gone on, we haven't actually had to do that with anyone we know. Everyone just accepted it with the same it's about time reaction.

When breaking the news to my parents that we were going to meet his mother, my dad was fairly accepting, my mother considerably less so. It took a while to make the point that the primary point was for him to explain that with college and other things going on, now was not the ideal time to think about attempting form or repair a relationship. She was still wholly against her being involved in his life, but ultimately aware that it was Masato's decision to make.

Happy enough with how things are sitting, knowing that any further attempts to make it neater are just going to make it worse and require another five to ten minutes of trying to get it right again. I move into the bed room to put on a light blue jacket over the top of the plain red sun dress I picked to match my bow. Definitely not the kind of clothes I choose to wear that often, the one thing missing from the outfit that was mostly picked out by Monika was a small pair of heels she suggested. Opting to choose a small pair of flat canvas shoes. Seeing as they are also something that I wouldn't normally wear, not actually own a pair until recently. I don't know how Monika and Yuri can walk in them so effortlessly. Natsuki had some trouble as well, but she was still much better at it than I am.

Lifting a small bag that matches my jacket as I leave the bedroom and make my way downstairs to find him waiting in the kitchen for me, talking with Natsuki. Of everyone she was the most in favour of him meeting with his mother, by the sounds of it she is reassuring him that he is doing the right thing. Turning to notice that I've joined them.

MC: “Hey you're ready. Shall we.. get..”

Between him and myself, it's hard to tell who's cheeks are more red. Me spending this much time on my appearance is rare enough, him actually being there to see what I've done is even rarer. Natsuki has also picked up on his silence, turning back around to hide her mouth from view from me. Pressing one of her feet down on top of his as she pretends to go back to looking at the tablet in her hand. I can hear her quietly muttering to him as she slowly lifts her foot away.

N: “compliment her you dumbass.”

MC: “I'm trying to, I just... wasn't expecting.. wow..”

S: “It's alright, you don't need to say anything.”

MC: “Yes I do. Finding the right words though..”

N: “Well think about it on your way there, you guys are going to be running late if you miss the train. Take his stunned silence as a compliment in the meantime Sayori.”

S: “I suppose I could do that.”

MC: “I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this.”

N: “If you haven't come up with or said anything by the time you guys come back home, you're sleeping outside.”

MC: “But.. this is my hou..”

N: “Sleeping. Outside.”

As we make our way to the door and begin putting our shoes on, Natsuki follows us to the door and takes hold of his Jacket. Glancing at me before looking back at him, she wants to say something about us going to meet his mother but seems to be struggling with how to show it. Despite how much arguing the two of them do, the almost sibling like relationship that they have built up occasionally shows that they can be very protective of each other. Of all people who know, she has been the person most in favour of him to see his mother.

N: “Hey.. umm.. I know it's might be difficult.. but..”

MC: “But..?”

N: “Please don't say anything you might regret. Both of you.”

MC: “I promise I won't.”

S: “I'll try not to get too defensive.”

Having Natsuki see us out the door. It's a fairly quiet walk to the train station and then onward to a small family restaurant. With this meeting not being a surprise like the last one, his silence only confirming how anxious he is. With the exception of using our passes to get through the gates at each station, his hand not leaving mine until we reach the front door of where we agreed to meet. I know that today is exceptional circumstances and I shouldn't let it bother me, but seeing him being this quiet and distant remind me of how he was after the funeral. The last year revealing how painfully unaware I was of exactly how bad things were at that time. Opening the door to find her sitting waiting for us at a booth that is away from the front windows.

Sliding into the opposite side of the booth after letting him take a seat first, setting my bag down between us and hoping that he doesn't notice that I've chosen to sit on the outside to prevent him from getting up and leaving. Waiting until everyone has ordered drinks before starting any form of conversation. His anxiety that was showing on the way here still present, but he isn't the only one. I had picked up on it to a degree during the first visit back at the house. His mother is also showing similar signs. I know for a fact having seen it throughout my life that his confident side that he sometimes shows comes from his dad. Seeing it right in front of me, it's clear as day where his behaviour when anxious comes from.

MCM: “It's.. good to see you both.. Sayori you look wonderful..”

S: “...Thanks.”

MC: “Yes she does.”

MCM: “Thank you.. for agreeing to see me again.. I'm sorry the first time was.. sudden..”

MC: “Yeah.. sudden.. I do have some things I need to ask..”

MCM: “Sayori, do your parents know.. about today?”

S: “They do. My mother wasn't too thrilled about it, but they both know to respect his decision.”

MCM: “I'm not.. proud of how things went before.. But I'm not upset about how people reacted.. to be honest.. I deserved it.”

MC: “It's hard to say nobody said anything wrong when nobody said anything right.”

There is a small break in the conversation as the drinks are set down on the table. Nobody wanting to speak while the waitress is there given the private nature of what is going on. Watching on as the coffee is set down in front of his mother, the hot chocolate for myself and a blueberry soda for MC. The only words being said is each of us in turn thanking her. Waiting until the server is dealing with the next order before continuing.

MC: “So.. I'm assuming you are planning on moving back from overseas.”

MCM: “I am.. I've been looking at places locally.”

MC: “What made you decide it was the right time?”

Before his mother answers his passive aggressive question, I move my right hand from my own leg to his own under the table to prevent drawing his mothers attention to my intervention. Gripping lightly above his knee to remind him that questions like that are exactly what Natsuki asked him not to do. While I personally am happy for him to finally have the chance to say what is on his mind to her after so many years, we both made a promise to not say things that might stop anything from ever happening.

MCM: “I don't know how to answer that.. Since I shouldn't have left in the first place.”

MC: “I'm sorry, comments like that aren't going to get us anywhere..”

MCM: “Masato.. I'm the last person in the world you need to apologize to.”

Her voice trails off towards the end of her comment. Like she actually feels guilty that he apologized to her for what he said. Noticing that there is going to be yet another one of what is going to be many awkward breaks in this meeting, I speak to move the conversation onto the next topic.

S: “We had our college application results arrive yesterday.”

MCM: “Does that.. include the results of that competition?”

MC: “It does, that's actually one of the main reasons I wanted to talk.”

MCM: ”Well how did you both do?”

S: “I got accepted to my first choice. A Teaching College local to here.”

MCM: “You plan on being a Teacher?”

S: “Only at a Kindergarden level, I don't think I'm academic enough for beyond that.”

MCM: “Not a thing wrong with that. What about you Masato?”

MC: “Before we go into this I need to know. If you are moving back here. What's your plan. What are you going to do to support yourself.”

MCM: “Well.. I do have some savings from working. While away, I trained as a music tutor. I'm looking into seeing if the qualification I have is enough to start working right away, or if I need to take any extra exams.”

MC: “So you have put thought into this.”

MCM: “Several years worth.”

MC: “Why though.. why couldn't you just have done it while here..”

MCM: “I know you both may not have the best opinion of me.. I fully understand why.. No matter what I can never come up with a reason good enough for what I did.. Not a night goes by were I don't wish I could go back and stop myself..”

MC: “Then why.. You were at home, you could have..”

MCM: “That was exactly the problem Masato.. I was home.. all day.. everyday.. I wanted to do something.. Don't get me wrong Masato, I didn't need to work, your father's work more than supported us.. but..”

MC: “You could have studied, I'm sure dad would've..”

MCM: “Your father was against it..”

I can almost feel his entire body tense up at the mention of his father. Listening to his mothers tone, I'm able to recognize that she isn't bad mouthing or being critical of his father. I know for a fact though that isn't what he heard. Tightening my grip seems to do little to get his attention, leaving me no choice but to intervene again and attempt to clear up what she meant.

S: “How was he against it?”

MCM: “It's not that he outright refused to let me do it. He wasn't that sort of person. But it did cause some disagreements. All of which seem so stupid now.. He wanted the best for us, to him that meant providing for us completely..”

S: “Was it the main cause of you leaving?”

MCM: “..In a way I suppose it was.. not because of your father though Masato... it's just.. for lack of a better way of putting it.. One of my worst fears was realized when we met the other day.. It seems I passed more than just music on to you..”

S: “Your talking about anxiety and depression.. aren't you.”

MC: “So leaving was your way of coping. Remove yourself from the situation.”

MCM: “Pathetic isn't it? To feel so overwhelmed when you actually had an ideal life.”

In the instant he rejoined the conversation, the tension that I could physically feel in my hand that still rested on his leg began fading. It wasn't gone completely, but enough for me to not need worry as much about him exploding in defence of his father. Up until now his mother had come across as anxious about and during both times we had met. So for him to hear about her suffering from things that over the years both he and myself have become painfully well acquainted with gives us at least a degree of common ground in which to begin to understand the bigger picture.

MC: “I can't really say anything to that.. your way of coping was at least healthier than mine..”

MCM: “My method of coping.. destroyed our family.. and I can never fix that.. Masato, had I have known what had happened to you, I would have been here the very next day.”

MC: “Back then I probably wouldn't have seen you. Even now I'm still annoyed by the fact you didn't come over for the funeral.”

MCM: “I wanted to be there for you. I had my plane ticket.. suitcase.. but when I got to the airport I froze.”

S: “From what you have told us, I'm assuming it wasn't because of a fear of flying.”

MCM: “If only it was something that simple..”

Moving my hand from his thigh, confident enough that he wasn't going to lose control and snap at her. I can't help but feel though that if this topic were to go any further, it would be best for them to do it behind closed doors and not in public where they are both forcefully having to keep their composure in check. Looking at his mothers left hand, she is still wearing her wedding ring. Remembering that in the first meeting she mentioned that she had still been in love with his father. I can't help but wonder, given that my parents both hid the fact his attempt from me and how bad his first time in the ICU actually was from both of us, if they had more to do with his parents divorce than we realize. After all it would be easy to blame it on someone who wasn't there.

MC: “I want to make something clear. I'm not saying I don't want to try and let you back in. But like Sayori said before, the timing isn't great.”

MCM: “I still plan on coming back to live here, but this has something to do with your college results?”

MC: “I got offered, and am accepting a place in Osaka University, it's a three year course. So by the time you find a place to stay long term, I won't be here.”

MCM: “Is that what that event was for? I can't begin to tell you how proud I am! If it wasn't for this table being here I'd hug you.

S: “You aren't upset about having to wait?”

MCM: “I knew before I was on the flight over that the timing wasn't great since you are finishing High School and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset at having to wait longer, but to find out that my son is not only still singing, that he is going to be attending one of the best universities in the country for it. I'm so proud I could cry.”

MC: “So you would be fine in settling down here, knowing that I'm not going to be around for a few years?

MCM: “It would give me time to get settled, maybe even try and mend things with Sayori's parents.”

S: “That.. might take some time.. especially for my mother..”

Whether or not my mother would even listen is another matter. As we order another round of drinks, we spend the next while talking about how high school has been. How MC joined the literature club and met the others. Explaining both that the group of people he is closest to are all girls and that MC no longer lives alone was.. interesting. She was surprised enough to find out that I had moved in, so to find out that there was an additional girl was a bit of a shock. That led on to the topic of Natsuki, her family situation and that Masato had been in the ICU again just after the summer break. The look on his mothers face as we told her about how and why he had ended up in the hospital and how serious his condition had been wasn't exactly a happy one. Given that his original trip to the ICU had been hidden from me for years, I can sympathize in knowing how horrible it is to find out something like this for the first time. I do get the impression that she would like to meet the others, specifically Natsuki.

As things slowly make their way to a close, thanks to Masato being the only one of us to order a third drink. I'm left alone with his mother for what felt like a few minutes. Throughout this entire meeting and even towards the end of the last one. Seeing her anxious behaviour that I had seen before at times in him has left me feeling like my initial treatment of her was perhaps too blunt and harsh. Yet I can't bring myself to apologize for it. Even with now knowing the reasoning, she still walked away from her only son and for almost ten years the only communication being minor amounts through my father around the time of the funeral. At the same time I don't want to give the impression that I'm going to try and prevent her from trying to re-connect with him. Leaving us both in a state of trying to avoid looking around the room too much or staring at each other too much. With Masato coming back into view, we each prepare to stand up from the table, she breaks the silence between the two of us with a request I wasn't quite expecting.

“Thank you for staying by his side. Please keep looking after Masato.”


	58. Chapter Fifty Eight

# Chapter 58

Thinking about what was said as we parted ways has kept me from falling asleep, or at least from settling long enough to get any meaningful rest. For the first time in months he was the one to fall asleep first, while I'm glad to see him actually sleeping for a change, it is leaving me stuck in place, laying under the covers with his arm around my waist and my arm resting on top of his. I'm at least free enough to use my arm to disappoint myself by seeing that it's four am as I lift my phone from the bedside table. While part of me wants to get out of bed to do anything to distract myself from my circling thoughts, knowing how everything is going to change over the next couple of weeks keeps me still. To enjoy this warmth while I still have it.

Please keep looking after Masato.

Something so simple that it didn't need to be said. Yet I'm laying awake thinking about how am I going to be able to do that when he is about to be so far away. Me of all people, I can't even look after myself properly. If anything this last year has only cemented the fact that I'm as dependent if not more on him as he is of me.

Speaking to his mother yesterday afternoon has also left me feeling conflicted. To see how many traits they share up close like that. In some aspects it's reassuring to know where that side of him comes from. At the same time, due to my natural bias and because I know what he had been through and the route cause of it. I'm still on the fence about her return, that her no show at the funeral due to her own anxiety only served to play havoc on his.

_Can you honestly say you are any better?_

Shaking my head into the pillow to try and disperse the negative thoughts. Gently lifting his hand up enough so that I can slip out from under the covers. Using the torch option on my phone to guide myself downstairs to the kitchen. Taking a moment to reach into the cupboard and lift out the flavoured fruit tea that he has made sure is always in the house since the barbecue we had early in the summer. Dropping three heaped teaspoons of the dissolvable flavoured sugar into one of the plastic cups that I can remember the two of us using while we were younger and stirring it into the water. The plastic not making any loud noises as the teaspoon circles the outside.

Lifting myself onto one of the kitchen chairs and taking a few small mouthfuls of the sweet instant tea mixture. Being thankful I had lifted the right one out of the cupboard in the darkness and not accidentally made one of the sharp tasting ones as I set the now half full cup down to enjoy the light flavour that was Apricot, Honey and Vanilla.

Less than a month until we all start our new courses. With his departure being the week before to give he and the other students who were offered places time to settle into the provided dorms. Every time I think about that day approaching, it's always the same. Why didn't I take the entrance exam for the course I wanted for a college nearby where he was going to be as well. We found out well enough in advance for me to do so. Opening the map on my phone and entering in both the postcode for this house and the dorms that he would be staying at, all train swaps combined with any and all distance in between covered on foot took the journey to just over eight hours, the same as it was the last several times I looked it up. Either one of us travelling to spend the weekend would be left with very little time to spend together. Leaving Summer and Winter being the two main times of year we would see each other and even that all depended on if they needed to work for the company sponsoring their tuition fees. That's the part I hate the most, the not knowing if and when.

N: “Sayori?”

S: “Huh? Oh, sorry I was in a world of my own their.”

N: “I could see that. Trouble sleeping?”

S: “Something like that. Needed a drink, but didn't really fancy just water.”

N: “And the map?”

S: “Ah.. yeah.. I was checking something.”

N: “You've never been apart from him, have you?”

S: “I did see him less than I used to for a while when we started high school and... no. No I haven't. You saw the photos and stuff, our families used to take holidays together. He was always where I needed him to be.”

N: “Of all of us, I would've said Monika would be the one that would leave home to study.”

S: “Me too.”

Staring into my cup as Natsuki makes herself a drink and joins me. I can tell that Natsuki knows something is off. Which brings on an awkward silence as we both think about what we do and do not want to say. The safest topic would probably be to discuss what's going to happen with where I am staying once college starts. I had considered moving back in with my parents, but more so than ever I wouldn't want to be in that room by myself again. Especially when he isn't around.

S: “So.. I guess it'll be just us here soon.”

N: “It'll be strange without him here, but at least neither of us will be living alone right?”

S: “I'd considered moving back into my old room. But..”

N: “And leave me here by myself? Not a chance.”

S: “I'm surprised you wouldn't want a little independence.”

N: “If I really wanted it, I'd have moved back into my dads place. Seeing as he wouldn't be there for quite some time. To be honest, I'm glad of the company.”

S: “He didn't.. ask you to keep an eye on me did he..?”

N: “He didn't need to. We had planned on doing it anyway.”

S: “We?”

N: “Yuri and Monika aren't going anywhere are they? They might be attending different colleges, but they are staying at home. So there will always be someone to talk to if you feel lonely without him.”

S: “I couldn't distract them from their college work like that.”

N: “Sayori, they're both top grade students. Whatever work they get I'm sure they'll have already done it before you even lift up the phone.”

S: “What about you?”

N: “I'm doing a culinary course. So long as you don't eat my homework, I'm sure I'll be fine.”

S: “No promises.”

We spend around fifteen minutes finishing our drinks while making small talk. Natsuki knowing well enough that we needed to change the topic or one of us was going to get upset. I know that I'd be the first one to show it visibly, but I get the feeling she is hiding how much his leaving is really effecting her. The dynamic of her relationship with him is different to anyone in the group. I know that I've thought of their relationship as sibling like, as from the outside that is how it appears. How they actually see each other isn't something I've ever felt like I needed to confirm. Something that I wish I shared when thinking about how he and Yuri see each other, if only to shed the nagging doubt that if he knew how she really felt, he wouldn't pick me.

The next week is a mixture of turning up to school, mainly to make sure we didn't leave anything behind at our desks and sleeping in late while we are able to do so. With our club activities being completely wrapped up, it felt a little sad any time we had to go near the room. Having turned in the key for it, all of the memories having collected and brought back to our place with the exception of Yuri's tea set.

Our graduation ceremony felt exactly like the two we had attended previously. It's strange to think that we are included among those who are saying goodbye to this place. Well thought out speeches from familiar faces from other classes that are charged full of emotion. Even one of my teachers looked like she was holding back tears. It seemed that almost everyone was being caught up in the day. Almost everyone, except the two in the chairs either side of me.

N: “Who cries over leaving a school?”

S: “Natsuki! Shhh.”

MC: “I know right?”

S: “Not you as well.”

MC: “What? It's not like I speak to many people here?”

S: “And who's choice was that?”

Natsuki begins putting on a voice as she quotes a line from one of the speeches about how we would all remember each other for years to come before rolling her eyes at the sentiment. Expecting him to add to it, only to see his lips twist into a smirk as he forces himself not to laugh in the middle of the hall. The sound of a teacher clearing their throat at the end of our row shutting the two of them up. None of us needed to turn our heads to know that we were being glared at.

With the ceremony now out of the way and our time in High school officially over. Given how many of our classmates cried during it, I can't help but feel that I may have been more emotional about it if it wasn't for the events during our final year. With all my favourite bits being related to the club and everyone in it, Natsuki was right about with the exception of him that I'll still be close to those I hold dearest.

There was one speech in particular though, about not leaving things unfinished or unsaid that made me start thinking of things that I need to do before he leaves. The last few weeks have shown me that even though I know him better than anyone, there was still many things I didn't know. Either from being too young to understand them at the time they happened or from my parents purposely not telling us. I should be more angry about what was withheld, but given that they don't know the full reasoning behind why I started therapy, it isn't something I can bring myself to be angry about.

Telling them however isn't something I feel that I will be able to do alone. Speaking to Masato about this at some stage tonight will be my starting point. It's not fair to ask him to not keep secrets from me, yet depend on him keeping my biggest secret from my own parents. Given what has happened over the years, my parents couldn't be any more supportive of our relationship. I can't really picture how they will react to being told about what I had attempted to do, or that he was the one to stop it.

Agreeing to meet near our place as Monika and Yuri each head home to change and drop off their graduation certificates. We had originally talked about going out for the afternoon, but decided against it as we weren't the only school in the area having their graduation ceremony today. Figuring that several hundred if not more people our age would be having the same idea. We go to the store nearest to the house to buy what we hope would be enough things to last most of the night, our unusual group dynamic now being something that had become familiar sight to the staff.

With my selections already in our basket, I'm standing next to him as he is picking out the last of the things he wants. Reaching out slowly to a green bag of chocolates that brings back bad memories, only to stop before making contact with it. Turn his head to look at me as his hand reaches the bag. After what happened the last time we had a night like this, without even thinking I gently shake my head. Changing to a slow nod as his hand shifts to the left over the pink bag containing the raspberry version. Without breaking eye contact with me, this goes on for a minute or so as he keeps moving his hand between the two.

MC: “You know these are meant to be for me, right?”

S: “Yes. You.”

MC: “That wasn't convincing at all.”

S: “Well, sharing is caring right?”

MC: “Funny, that's not the impression I got last time.”

S: “We don't talk about that.”

MC: “We don't?”

S: “No, you were mean to me.”

MC: “How do you figure that?”

S: “You wouldn't let me share with you.”

MC: “Because I didn't want the one you had half eaten?”

S: “Yes.”

MC: “Had you asked first, I'd have warned you it wasn't the type that you like. If you want a bag of the raspberry ones then put one in the basket.”

S: “But if you get them we can share them. I know you, if I don't have some too it can take you days just to finish one bag!”

MC: “Why is that a bad thing?!”

N: “Are the two of you quite done having a domestic over some chocolates? We're waiting.”

Turning to see Yuri and Monika standing near the doorway, as well as Natsuki stood waiting. Each with a bag in hand. While this would be embarrassing for most people, when it comes to the two of us buying snacks together this is really pretty normal. Although it does mean we've hit the limit of Natsuki's patience. As he drops one of each bag into our basket, we do one last pass of the drinks chillers on the way to the register. He lifts down a sparkling lemon drink for himself and some apple juice for me.

MC: “Maybe this time you can enjoy it without almost giving yourself a concussion first.”

S: “I hope so. Hard to believe that was nearly a year ago.”

MC: “It's been a pretty busy year. You know the saying.”

S: “Time flies when you are having fun?”

MC: “It also flies by when you are unconscious in the ICU.”

S: “...That isn't funny. Don't joke about that.”

MC: “I don't really know how else to deal with it.”

I can't argue that, for as long as I've known him he has tended to laugh off most things that have happened to him. He knows it won't work with me, but it's his way of trying not to make a big deal of things. Or when he doesn't want people to worry about things. While he might be able to laugh off what happened at the end of the summer, as he would say he was asleep for most of it. To me it's one of those things that will remain burned into my memory, likely for the rest of my life.

Noticing that the others have moved outside to wait for us. I guess now is as good a time as any to make the first step.

S: “Hey.. umm.. can we talk later?”

MC: “...Have I done something?”

S: “No.”

MC: “...Was I meant to do something?”

S: “No no. It's nothing bad Masato, it's about my parents. Stop worrying.”

MC: “Right. You should know that most guys are pre programmed to think the worst when they hear the phrase, can we talk or we need to talk.”

S: “And miss seeing your reaction?”

The look on his face as he turns back to face me after paying for our basket shows that he didn't like that I'd knowingly worded my sentence that way. Also made very clear at the fact he handed me the bag containing my choices instead of carrying it for me. Seeing as this is as far as his punishment for teasing him will go, I can't help but stick my tongue out at him playfully as I take hold of the handles.

I know that he wouldn't let me speak to my parent's about it alone. I still can't help but feel a little uneasy about revealing to them what had happened which lead to me starting therapy. I suspect they know that I had been depressed, as well as it being Masato that pushed me to try therapy. As being his registered guardians, they would have been aware that he had previously been seeing Dr Aiza and that I started attending after we had become a couple.

I just need to let him know of my intention tonight.

Then speak to my own parents tomorrow.

...I don't think I've been this scared of a topic since I told him about my depression...


End file.
